A New Devious Chapter

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mother.  About how I tend to not really wear perfumes, because Lux has no sense of smell, and I don't really care for them.  That I don't make any decisions on my appearance for how other people feel about them, but for me. My mother scoffed at it, and responded as though that made me an asshole.   Mind you, I very rarely look like a shlub.  I'm always clean, and groomed, and like to keep up with myself, as well as wear clean clothing. But I wouldn't make anywhere near the decisions about my appearance that I do if I was so worried about other people.  I wouldn't dress anywhere near the same, because as is, I am constantly stared at, put down, and treated like I'm a freak.  I would just be trying to fit in to fashion, and have no sense of self expression, too afraid to do something outside of what society deems as appropriate. I wouldn't have my tattoos, or piercings, or wear the jewelry

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that Lux commented that he had no way to really threaten me, or assert dominance over me.  That is was nice in a way, that he knew all submission was purely because he had been a safe and supportive enough domly dom to earn it, but sometimes he wants reinforce that he's in charge. Just, keep that post in mind.  It'll come back, I promise. Last weekend Lux came to visit for both our birthdays, and to drop off fabric for me to make him some things, and see his parents before Pennsic.  Oh, and show off his new swanky truck. We went to dinner, and an arcade afterward where we were super silly, then got ice cream.  Afterward, we came back to the house, and snuggled up for a while. Then he snuggled half his weight on me, and I went to grope on his arms.  Which, for those of you who don't know, are giant, and with him working out lately, have gotten very defined, and super pretty.  I often nom on them, sometimes to show affection as a whole, an

While Pyre, Panda, and I were talking last weekend, Pyre brought up that a guy had given her a foot rub at Fusion last year because he feet were so fried.  At Summerfest, he expressed desire to submit to her, and all that jazz. And her reaction was that she doesn't really like to top or dominate guys.  Panda agreed that even though she's primarily a bottom and a submissive herself, she felt the same. I didn't agree, saying that the vast majority of the time, I lean toward topping or being the domly person in a play situation. Sometimes, I feel like that view on things is kind of a cop out.  It sort of just runs on physical appearance and standard gender ideas when switches choose what side they'll take just by the gender of the other person. It means Pyre will never really fight back with Kitty (even though she is a brat to him, as we all are and should be) or feel like she wants power over him just because he's a boy.  That's so weird.  It's just so

So, Pyre and her wife crashed over this weekend before going on their mini tour.  Kitty was of course super happy that we were hanging out, and I was helping the people he cares about.  At the same time, he was a little worried. See, I might not be considered the best influence for the behavior of others.  I never endanger people, or pressure them into things that would be seen as harmful, or damaging.  I however, put bugs in their heads to say things that might not be the most appropriate, or would be more entertaining to everyone.  This has a tendency to get Pyre in trouble with Kitty, which I am remarkably ok with. He also apparently barely talks about everything that's happened to him before moving to DC.  He only mentioned me before I really actively came back into his life seriously, and so there is a massive chunk of his life that he either doesn't remember, or doesn't mention. And then along comes a good partner like me, who fills in some of those holes.  Some

I've been trying to do more to take care of myself lately, especially in order to be in better shape for Pennsic, but also just to feel better over all. I've decided to do a slow, but complete detox off of caffeine.  I started drinking coffee, and any caffeinated beverage for that matter, only due to the taste, and now having to consume some in the morning because otherwise I will get a horrible headache is no fun.  I want to be able to make that choice, not for it to be mandatory.  So right now I'm limiting myself to one cup a day, and still not drinking any soda, and very reluctantly not diving into my jar of chocolate espresso beans.  I'm finding that the mornings are a little easier for me, and I'm taking less time to feel awake. Even with the vast amount of birthdays and things going on this month, I'm trying to watch how much, and what I eat more closely.  That's not very easy here, where my parents basically live on meat and carbs, and I'm con

When Thrax was trying to convince me that we needed to date Bit, I constantly told him that I didn't want it to happen.  I told him that if he was going to bring in another partner, it had to be someone I approved of, because with how often we spent time together, and that he wanted her to live there, it would be like me dating her too.  He swore that I wouldn't be dating her, but then also said that "our" relationship needed a girlfriend in the same breath, hoping that would make him look less like a selfish asshat. Well, y'know, I didn't want someone who lied, stole, did drugs, had a bunch of unprotective sex already with STDs, and was generally disrespectful in our dynamic.  Oh damn, look at me being the bad guy. Now, while I don't really care if my partners become super besties, it is significantly easier for me if they get along.  I'm really lucky that Lux and Kitty approve of each other, and hit it off pretty well. And, Kitty feels the same

To be honest, I have no idea what to write about lately.  There isn't much really inspiring me to write, so, a normal update and rambles until I find something more interesting. I've been getting things ready for Pennsic while the beastie is gone so I don't have her up my butt.  She's also been away for a while, and it makes me miss tackling the little beast.  I've been trying to utilize the time though, which is helping me get through all the quiet. Spending this much time without people I care about around really digs at me though.  It is in general not good for me, and hasn't had a good effect on me at all, especially because cute boys are still completely busy during the day. My friend and I went to do something new lately, and I think I might give it to Lux for his birthday.  It's kind of lame, and really random for a gift, but it's the first thing I've made in the medium, which makes it a bit cooler.  I'll have to see once I look at t

One day last week was apparently straight pride day.  Of course, for a lot of reasons, there was flak on social media over it.  And, while yes, there are problems with putting that on the same level as other pride celebrations, or putting down other orientations in order to celebrate something, I personally, do get to have pride in my heterosexuality. I have pride because I've had people say to my face that they would never consider dating me not because of who I am, but because I am straight, and they would only date someone bisexual, because they "need threesomes, and would want the other person to enjoy it".  Where he literally didn't know how to have a significant other her couldn't fetishize by their sexuality. I have pride because for two years, I was told to lie about my heterosexuality.  That being straight was a "construct of society being forced on me" and that I "had to like girls, because they were hot." That even though I

I've had a lot of conversations about gender lately.  With people who are nonbinary, are in relationships with nonbinary folks, and how others feel about nonbinary folks. And ofcourse, it has me thinking. If I was hardpressed, I'm probably somewhere on the scale of being Agender.  And while this is likely surprising to people because I don't talk about it, it likely makes sense to them. I have no real problem saying that I am genetically female.  I've got female sex characteristics, and that's cool.  She/Her pronouns are fine, and have never bothered me.  They fit my appearance, which is no problem. However, calling myself a "girl" or a "woman" never really feels like it fits.  Feminine titles seem wrong in a way, and in fact, I've had conversations with people that masculine ones feel more suited to me. I don't really feel like a boy either though. And their isn't any fluctuation.  I'm just always statically me.  No g

(Written on the way home) My last post was written over the first few days of my visit north.  It was quiet, and calm for us, but we didn't get much done.  However, the rest of the week was absolutely wonderful.  We were far more snuggly and affectionate, relaxed and had more sex than during the week, and just were able to enjoy each other.  We discussed Pennsic, and projects, and plans.  I helped him with a few things he needed to get done, continued to take care of the apartment, and actively did what I could to help.  He seemed to relax as the week went on, and told me that everything I was doing was appreciated, and did in fact have a positive effect on his mental space. On Saturday, we went down to the city with some of his coworkers, to see a museum, and go to dinner for one of their birthdays.  It was fun, and Lux and I got to flail over the arms and armor for most of the day.  We both burned out on the other people present though, and on the train home we were mostly ju

This week with Lux has been just what I expected it to be. When he arrived to pick me up, so we could make the long drive back north, he felt the need to talk for a bit first.  To explain his distance, and the stress that has been heavily affecting him.  How everything is digging lately, and it's taking work not to snap.  He also made sure to say that he had a hangry, in case anything came out the wrong way. I assured him that so long as we were in an ok place, I had no problems, and just wanted to help him in whatever way I could. He laughed at how I was so simply comfortable with it, and honestly, so long as I see that he still cares, and is trying to be present, I'm confident we'll get past it. Anyway, after a long trip north (with stops for coffee and fried chicken, because sometimes he really is a stereotypical black man), we got in and relaxed a bit. Oh, and sex.  A lot of sex.  So much sex in the first night that I apparently slept through some of it. Sin

I'm sitting in homeroom.  It's early in the morning, and I'm digging out my drawing stuff from my backpack while sitting on my desk, getting ready to draw through geometry class and the review for the final.  As I shuffle through, I'm talking to my friend Nano.  Talking about my going to the larp that month. He tells me that if I see a person playing a character named "Kage", to challenge him and kick his ass.  That he had beaten Nano, and I had to get back at him.  I laugh, and agree rather sarcastically.  Out of our little group, I'm probably the best fighter, but I don't really care about getting back at anyone, and it isn't something my character would do. I'm sitting on a picnic table, late at night, with only the light on the porch of a building to go by.  There with me are two guys, one who is a couple years older than me, and wound up being a total skeezball, and one older than that, who found himself very pretty, and later admitte

With Lux and Kitty both being busy, I really haven't had much time with them.  I haven't seen either one of them in months, and only now have been managing to find time to talk to Kitty on the phone because he's at home getting things finished up for the move.  However, they've both been so busy during the day that I'm barely able to talk to them. It definitely has an impact on me.  I'm trying to be supportive and helpful, and stay present and consistent.  While that might not be helping them much, I think it does help, and sometimes I get time where they are responsive in return. However, the lack of time with them, even if things are relatively calm here right now makes me feel like I need some sort of presence.  These lengths of time away make me want simple affection even more than I want the sex, and more than anything, I crave just having time with them.  Those silly and simple moments that don't really involve anything other than time together.

It's the time of year when Lux gets sick, and this spring is no different.  We missed out of war camp because he wasn't feeling well, and neither one of us wanted him to risk anything by pushing himself over the weekend.  He needed to take care of him. And, while I wanted to go, I mostly just wanted time with him.  Time to snuggle up and decompress.  Time to be affectionate, and show care.  Time to just enjoy him.  And, time to discuss a lot of things. I had been trying to get a lot of answers out of him lately on things.  And the responses and figuring out just hasn't been there.  I was banking on having that time together to finally get answers, because I was just getting more and more frustrated with feeling like I was being dismissed. However, I told him how I felt, and he told me we'd finally talk.  And we did.  A short discussion which took care of half of what we needed.  I'll be heading up and spending all of next week with him, where we'll have plent

I read an article the other day that said the women no longer need to have periods because of all the advances in birth control.  That they serve no purpose, and that are completely unnecessary now. After I had the beast, I was pretty hardcore into my research on birth control.  I looked up every option out there for what I thought was best for me.  I decided on the paraguard IUD, for many reasons, the main one of which was because I wanted to continue to have my period.  I wanted that monthly reminder that I wasn't pregnant, and to be able to more carefully keep track of my cycle and my body. My cousin, years ago, decided to just skip her placebo week on the pill.  She hopped from new pack to new pack, and stayed on those pills for a few years.  Eventually, she went off of them, because she was having a small health issue and the doctor recommended it.  It's been almost a decade since then, and she's never had a period.  Her reproductive system shut down, and now she has

Now that summer is about here, it means clusterfuck mode is starting. This weekend, Lux is visiting and we're off to an SCA event for the day.  I'm looking forward to watching him fight, and running around causing a bunch of trouble.  We're also supposed to discuss everything for Pennsic, and finally get to planning.  It should be some much needed fun time together. After that, it's Kitty's birthday before he finally moves, and that has me feeling incredibly bummed that I'm not getting to see him for it.  During that time, the beast will be with the gnome, so I'll be distracting myself with plenty of Pennsic prep.  Then, the week before mine and Lux's birthdays, the beast is back with the gnome, and I'm hoping to get up to spend the time with Lux, because I miss being up there and spending time snuggled up with him. And then, birthdays.  Which, even though I want to do something, there's still a part of my mind that makes me want to run from

The other day Lux was working from home, and when he told me, I said I wished I had been there to distract him all day.  To be there to pester him then after a while start giving him a blowjob, and being able to get away with it.  It's a normal sort of comment for me to make, and while I generally let him work when he needs to, it's not something that is out of character if I'm feeling super bratty. He responds by saying that he knows he has no real way to threaten me anyway, except with ignoring me, which isn't actually a healthy response in any way.  We continued to discuss it for a little while. It made me think about it from a lot of different views.  Mostly ones that were actually helpful, but some that are less fun. On one hand, Lux has had a lot of problems with power exchange after his previous partners.  He claims he pushed too hard with one, and was too absent subsequently with another.  Yet here I am, just as consistent as ever, and happily handing over co

Everyone was all over the place last weekend.  With the holiday, so many things were banking on the extra time to throw events. I however, live on the shore, and frequently avoid leaving the house over Memorial Day weekend because it's so insane here. Weeks ago, I decided to have a bonfire, and invited a ton of people.  One of which was a friend of mine and Lux's which was apparently having his birthday.  I offered to make him a cake, and he jumped on the opportunity. Lux however decided to take his new gear for a spin, going to a big SCA event to hit people.  I would have planned to go, but I had the beast for part of the weekend, which makes things like that difficult.  Which means even longer without a cute boy to snuggle.  Which sucks, but it saved him a lot of driving, and that's more important for him.  Give him more time to have fun out. Kitty was off to PDF, with it being his last burn before the move.  The day he left to head out, the movers were there packing

The other day I had a stream on while working on things, and the beginning of it was just talking to chat while waiting for people to show up.  At one point, they started talking about ragefucking, and argument sex.  They then said that it is never actually a good idea, and I started thinking about the science of it. Ragefucking is a trap.  Full on Admiral Ackbar trap.  When people are fighting, it stimulates the brain to create similar endorphins that would occur when we're turned on.  And because we're that worked up, we look at the other person for the same relief we would want when we have too much stress, or need comfort and catharsis.  That physical barrier is broken, so both parties let that be an instant response.  Afterward, all the bonding chemicals happen, and bring them back together.  It's probably the reason why most of the couples who constantly split and get back together do so.  They know they're incompatible, but there's that anger and then sex b

A while back, I was scrolling through a feed, and found a link to an article labelled "Most overrated things about sex".  I fell victim to the clickbait, wondering exactly what the writer thought went into this category. And, as I read the list, I kept feeling sorry for anyone that person ever had sex with.  The list was riddled with things like blowjobs, positions other than missionary, and even sex outside the bedroom.  It absolutely painted a portrait that she just wanted to starfish and let the guy do the work to get sex overwith, without her having to do anything. She whined about sex making her tired, and how having to hold herself up was too hard of work.  Now, I know I have better endurance than quite a few people, but getting tired is part of the point.  If you haven't gotten completely worn out, and your body still works, you haven't had enough sex.  Sometimes that means incredibly rough sex that doesn't last as long, or something easier that you can s