A New Devious Chapter

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels. Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is. Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles. Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be doub

When I was in elementary school, I wound up helping the class more often than I was just a student.  I learned concepts more quickly than my teachers could get through the material for the rest of the class to keep up, and so I would help catch the other students up, and give the teachers a hand, as their way of giving me extra work to do.  Some of the kids developed animosity toward me for obvious reasons, but a lot of the kids liked having me basically teach them mini-classes, and getting to talk while explaining things in ways the books didn't, which made it easier for them to understand. In High School, if you'd asked me what I wanted to do, if it wasn't some special effects makeup and animatronics, I would say teaching senior english.  I liked the idea of being able to talk about serious topics, and having mature conversations about what was going on, with complex thoughts and ideas in books.  While covering the books I needed to, I wanted to inspire ideas in other p

Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with. In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot goin

I'm writing this because I'm forcing myself to give my hands a break. Yes, this sounds strange because I am still using my hands to type.  But this is fine for them as far as I know today. Lately, I've been running hard to finish the projects I have.  Crocheting in whatever time I have to make a ton of pieces, then stitching them together to build one of the coolest comforters I've ever put together.  It's massive, and almost done, but with the little bit of force it takes to get the yarn needle through everything over and again, and the speed I've been going at, the muscle in the thumbs are sore as hell.  It's like after leg day, but for my hands. And it's been an odd day.  At first I used the time to do some cleaning and chores, and waiting for Squishy's father to get here before I really dug into anything.  As I looked at what I needed to do though, I couldn't find much that wasn't going to be hard on my hands.  I worked out, and got

The other day, I'm downstairs having some water, and putting on my shoes to get the beast off the bus.  The doorbell rings, about five minutes before I would normally walk out the door.  It's an odd time for people to show up, and no one had ordered anything. I open the door and find my uncle.  The asshole one I posted about a while back.  Except I have no mental preparation for him to visit, so instantly my brain panics. No more than two minutes after he walks in the door, the starts swatting at my stomach asking what "that" is.  I tell him it's my stomach, and has a bunch of extra skin from having a kid.  He gets like two inches from my face, saying it's been too long since I had the beast, and so it should be gone.  My mother and his wife (who has a kid from before they were married) all say with me that it's extra skin and will be around forever. He insists it can't just be skin, to which I tell him that there is a lot of muscle under what is

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other. And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.   To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week. We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping. Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side. There's a reason I point this out, I promise. Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together. And Lux will be just back from h

If my brain were a room, It'd be a big space, with lots of random things.  Space to dance, and work tables, and big bookshelves, and big boxes where cute boys live.  Normally, it's got lots of things being worked on and thought about but all in their respective areas, where they stay organized, and let me work on everything I want. Right now though, it's a mess.  A mess of different things. I miss spending time with Lux and Kitty.  Even though I've been talking to them both more regularly, I haven't had time to relax with either of them in person for months.  Lux was planning to come down last weekend to spend time with his parents, and we would have found some time for quiet snuggles, but he was sick, which means I won't be seeing him until after he gets back from travelling to far away lands for work.  Pretty much all I want at this point is time to actually physically snuggle up with them. I'm worried about Lux with everything in his life right now.

There are times that I see how much I've grown over time, and how I've learned to see red flags, and just how much I truly won't put up with. Unfortunately, I'm seeing this because of other people. There are emotionally abusive people out there who purposely seek out those who are fresh out of relationships.  People who hunt down those who have been single for a long time.  The kind of people who know they are toxic partners, but don't want to change themselves to have healthy relationships, but hope they'll find someone that will believe their poison for the long term. When someone gets out of an abusive relationship, or gets done with a bad break up, or has been unpartnered for a long time, it causes them to crave attention.  To eat up any acknowledgement focused at them, and throw themselves at it, because they are so used to the opposite.  They hope that this person that says positive things means them, even though they say it without knowing who they

There was this thing on social media lately, where people are supposed to choose three fictional characters that they relate to/explain who they are.  A ton of people were posting it all around, and while I wanted to see what people thought of, I couldn't think of a list for myself.  I am in general someone who is very much only myself.  I'm weird, and proud of it, and it makes it hard for me to be really similar to anyone. I posted it anyway, wondering what people would respond with. One person posted a purple minion.  Yea, thanks asshat.  While that may have been a joke once, it actually doesn't relate to who I am at all.  Glad to hear that you have no idea about me. Someone else said Karen Murphy from Dresden Files.  Which, while I wouldn't normally make that correlation, I do find a ton of similarities when I think about it.  I enjoy this comparison, for several reasons, and as such, I will put her on my list. Well, then I kept thinking.  Three characters th

I've been trying to have more time talking to both Kitty and Lux.  Regular chats with Kitty have been helping a ton, and have had a very positive impact on my mood.  Lux has been stressed though, and even though we recently saw each other when we went camping, we got very little time to relax together. And that's what I want. I want time to just curl up and relax with someone.  Time when we're not running around trying to get stuff done, and I can actually have physical contact and comfort. It's been a couple months since it's happened at this point, and it's definitely affecting me.   Things like this cause me to be cranky more easily, and I lose my place in thought, or just feel off.   While there's possible time I'll be spending with both boys in the next month, I don't know about either of them definitely yet, and it makes me feel worse in a way.  Because at this point, I've more or less learned not to expect the happier op

Now that the summer is done, and I'm no longer prepping for a ton of different large events, I'm back to wanting to dive into a ton of creative projects. I'm knee deep in crochet, both with a massive project started, and a ton of ideas for things I want to make.  Those alone will likely keep me busy for a while.  They'll be super cute, and the people they're going to should love them. I have been wanting to try a ton of new recipes, both on random impulse things that look tasty, and ideas for the beast's breakfasts and such.  We're also still testing out timing for things on the new stove since swapping over to gas, which means needing to use Rosh Hashanah as an excuse for experiments.  So far nothing has gone too oddly though. Even though I already do a ton of different things, I want to try making a quilt for the first time.  It doesn't seem like it should take too long to do if I pick something simple for a pattern, and this time of year is the

This is going to be a dancey rant.  Because it needs to happen.  Consider yourself warned. Over the faire I worked at, I spent time with some of the dancers I've known for just about my entire time doing belly dance.  They've always been very chill, and decent people, but as dancers, they are incredibly frustrating. Everything from costuming, to makeup, to their dancing itself, and attitude towards it is a project for me to be around.  They have this sort of half assed attempt at education in regards to tribal belly dance that leads them to having barely decent costumes (that they don't even know what they're actually wearing) giant swirls on their face that they think are traditional harquus (normally small dots and simple lines), and a level of proficiency in dance that is just enough to where if they actually practiced with how they've been taught, they're likely to injure themselves. The point of tribal belly dance is to use a series of moves with othe

Last weekend was a faire I was dancing at, and Lux went to fight and see friends.  It was also a really long week prior to.  Lux will be travelling far away for work in a month, and things with his family were a bit stressful, as well as things at home being difficult for me. We both have somewhat different circles at this faire.  Where Lux is good friends with all the fighters, I've become friends with the other dancers, vendors and performers over time, so we wind up doing very different things during the day.  This resulted in both of us having a very different days, that were less relaxing than we'd expected them to be. Lux saw a lot of his old partners, and there is a ton of things going on with all of them, Most of which were either creating stress in their lives, or frustrating for him.  And after they'd all expressed interest in playing, they all bailed.  Had I not been so busy as well during the day (with things I intend to write about later) I would have made

I had that talk with Kitty a while back.  One that honestly had me worried if it would have any effect. Much to my happy surprise though, even throughout camp he kept up some level of communication, which I didn't expect at all given how busy he would be.  It continued past then, and we finally got time to have a long video call. We also talked about keeping up with them while he's not in an office, and even after.  With the beast in school, lunch dates are seeming like a plan to become a regular thing, and I can't wait. Apparently, he had been aware of his lacking in contact, and was planning on saying something when he got back from camp.  I just got to it first. We're also talking about possibly seeing each other again soon, which I'm really looking forward to. A little while ago, I was feeling so incredibly frustrated with him, to the point where if it was anyone else, I would get rid of them without a second thought.  With how he's responded thoug

I have been insane over the last two weeks. Things are picking up again, and honestly, after the lull after Pennsic, it feels good. The beast is back, and she's started school again.  That's both something that gives me time to get things done, and removes time because it enforces a schedule on me that much more heavily.  She's also been trying to avoid doing what I need her to lately, with the other people in the house letting her get away with too much, which will need to change as the school year gets going. I've taken on a few new projects that I can't wait to finish.  I think they're all going to look fantastic.  They are all of course also very time consuming. With the beast back in school, I have no excuse not to get more serious about working out again.  I started slacking off too much after Pennsic, and need to dive back in head first.  Hopefully that will help me feel a lot better again. And on that note, Lux and I are going to be at a faire

I've had to speak about my pain tolerance to people a lot lately.  Either explaining it to people, or others discovering it, and talking about all the little ins and outs of being able to take a beating like I can. When I first tell people how high my pain tolerance is, they usually wind up asking first if I have to be careful of permanent damage before my brain tells me something is hurting.  They just think that I go from zero to broken bones. And, I mean, for some people, the amount that I take and shrug off may honestly be enough to do near permanent damage to others I do a lot of listening to my body though.  Whether it's pain, or just little changes in my system.  I know when I ovulate, and can usually tell exactly when my period will start well before it does.  I know early on when I'm dehydrated, and what my body needs to run properly.  I pay very close attention to when my body is telling me something is wrong, and when something is just an irritation.  And,

One day last week was particularly draining for me, though it had a lot of good come from it. Lux and I wound up talking through a bunch of stuff, and at the same time, I was feeling very frustrated with Kitty.  Over the summer, there were countless times when we'd planned to talk, and I'd sat waiting to hear from him, or even though I would send him regular messages trying to keep up communication, I had only got a small scattering of responses, usually with no actual information about his goings on. It had me feeling such a mix of bad things.  I felt ignored, and like he was taking advantage of how loyal he knows I am.  I felt like he was just leaving me aside as he tried to balance his other partners, that I could simply be dropped while he tended to them.  It felt like even after I spoke up from my visit, I was just hearing less and less from him.  Like he was leaving again, but more slowly this time. I had planned to bring it up to him after camp.  He had enough on h

I had a really interesting moment while at Pennsic, and walking away from it, I felt really happy, and proud of myself. One day, in between classes I had a couple free hours.  Instead of walking back to camp and getting comfy only to have to go back, I decided to use that time to look around the vendors for a new mug, as mine was old and dead.  While walking by, I was stopped by an artist whom I had met a Flea.  He called me over, trying to pull schpeel about his product, of which I was fairly uninterested.  I tried to make conversation at a casual level, but he kept pushing product down my throat, which is probably the worst way to get me to buy something.  Even when I tried to talk art with him, stating that I'd put together a coloring book earlier this year, and loved doing anatomy drawings, he just tried to say that I needed some of his drawings. Alright, so this guy didn't even see people as people, but only a wallet.  Got it. And at one point, he says "You know

One of the happiest things about Pennsic this year was how much I saw Lux growing, and taking steps to move forward from many things. He wants to be acknowledged as a fighter, and move forward in his knowledge and skill in the SCA, instead of just being a stickjock.  This will likely lead to us making and researching a ton of fun and interesting things in the future, and my helping him to be seen more as an incredibly competent fighter. Which, he managed to not only fight on the field, but enter other tournaments as well.  He tried the Tuchux tournament, and loved every moment of getting to grapple, and wrestle, and fight dirty compared to normal SCA rules.  He just pouted because he couldn't punch them.  Poor sadist. At the play party we went to, he was far more comfortable, actually said he wants to try doing more public play in the future.  He was also far more acknowledging of our power exchange as a whole, and seemed way more interested in beating me up.  All things that