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Space

I've been thinking lately, about how I space, and how the vast majority of the time, I don't get there.  Thinking about how even though I can space from singular aspects, it rarely happens, and why. I have to be able to actually relax in order to space.  However, through my early teens, and even into my present, I'm frequently told that even though I'm funny, and fun, and helpful, I'm wound tightly, and generally very tense.  People used to tell me all the time to relax until I learned to just cover it up with actions. And, that comes through in play.  I need to be at a point where I know I won't have to do damage control or keep a heavy eye on things in the moment.  I can, and will always do what is necessary after the fact, because that has no impact on me during. Especially when it comes to pain though, I have to monitor what is going on so closely due to my pain tolerance.  I have to know what the difference is between pain that feels good, pain that nee

Annual Obligatory Post

So, stuff I'm thankful for and junk. This year has been weird, and I'm not in the best mental place when I'm writing this, so this one might be a little weird. I am thankful for getting to learn new things about me.  That while I don't get subdrop, I do get poly drop.  That I will always find ways the abuse of my past will creep in, and that I can get past it all.  That I am far better at communicating than a lot of my friends, and that I truly won't stand for any of the shit I've dealt with in the past. I am thankful for having safe people to do new things with!  And then to find my space in those things, and discover what I enjoy about them.  I am thankful for my love of a challenge, and always wondering just how far I can push myself. I am thankful for getting to learn how poly works for me, and having two absolutely wonderful and patient partners, who I can't imagine having ones that I care for more.  Who are supportive, and fun, and no matter how

Branching Path

I follow quite a few Tumblrs.  One of which I found out was actually really local to me.  She is close to my age, hypersexual, and very masochistic.  We actually started talking because a new partner of hers had been giving her trouble, and I offered my ear and whatever advice I could give. Well, this partner had only been around a couple weeks, and she already wanted to be in a committed relationship, with power exchange, and they were fluidbound the first time they met.  She claimed kissing during sex was being affectionate, and that they were super close friends, even though they'd never gone and done something out of the house together. Needless to say, I tried to explain to her that this situation wasn't exactly a healthy set up, and if she was already having issues a couple weeks in, it probably wasn't going to last a super long time under any real harmony. He dumped her for another girl the next day, and she moped for a day, before finding several guys onl

Carry Over

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better. I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep. He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surprised that this even need

Proud of weirdness

Thrax only ever tried rope with me once.  He didn't get very far, because I stopped him a few seconds in.  As I watched him trying to tie a simple pair of cuffs, and how badly it was being done, I didn't want to risk the danger involved with letting him continue.  He threw a tantrum as I stopped him, thinking he could manipulate me into letting him be unsafe.  When he realized he wasn't going to work, he grumped his way into the living room, and I grabbed a second bundle of rope before following him.  I threw him one of them, sat on the couch, and told him I would walk him through tying it, and we would both practice by self tying our ankles. He refused, claiming that by having any part of himself tied was a submissive act, and he refused to submit in any form.  So, basically he refused to learn things.   I feel like this is far too common a thing with a lot of people out there.  Tops and domly folks who refuse to experience things because it invalidates their claims

No Pants is Best Pants

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles. He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time. Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later. When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day. Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day. At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thought that meant conspiring agai

Muppety Flails

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels. Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is. Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles. Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be doub

Maybe Soon Stuff?

When I was in elementary school, I wound up helping the class more often than I was just a student.  I learned concepts more quickly than my teachers could get through the material for the rest of the class to keep up, and so I would help catch the other students up, and give the teachers a hand, as their way of giving me extra work to do.  Some of the kids developed animosity toward me for obvious reasons, but a lot of the kids liked having me basically teach them mini-classes, and getting to talk while explaining things in ways the books didn't, which made it easier for them to understand. In High School, if you'd asked me what I wanted to do, if it wasn't some special effects makeup and animatronics, I would say teaching senior english.  I liked the idea of being able to talk about serious topics, and having mature conversations about what was going on, with complex thoughts and ideas in books.  While covering the books I needed to, I wanted to inspire ideas in other p

Ready

Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with. In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot goin

Can't Stop Won't Stop

I'm writing this because I'm forcing myself to give my hands a break. Yes, this sounds strange because I am still using my hands to type.  But this is fine for them as far as I know today. Lately, I've been running hard to finish the projects I have.  Crocheting in whatever time I have to make a ton of pieces, then stitching them together to build one of the coolest comforters I've ever put together.  It's massive, and almost done, but with the little bit of force it takes to get the yarn needle through everything over and again, and the speed I've been going at, the muscle in the thumbs are sore as hell.  It's like after leg day, but for my hands. And it's been an odd day.  At first I used the time to do some cleaning and chores, and waiting for Squishy's father to get here before I really dug into anything.  As I looked at what I needed to do though, I couldn't find much that wasn't going to be hard on my hands.  I worked out, and got

Nosedive

The other day, I'm downstairs having some water, and putting on my shoes to get the beast off the bus.  The doorbell rings, about five minutes before I would normally walk out the door.  It's an odd time for people to show up, and no one had ordered anything. I open the door and find my uncle.  The asshole one I posted about a while back.  Except I have no mental preparation for him to visit, so instantly my brain panics. No more than two minutes after he walks in the door, the starts swatting at my stomach asking what "that" is.  I tell him it's my stomach, and has a bunch of extra skin from having a kid.  He gets like two inches from my face, saying it's been too long since I had the beast, and so it should be gone.  My mother and his wife (who has a kid from before they were married) all say with me that it's extra skin and will be around forever. He insists it can't just be skin, to which I tell him that there is a lot of muscle under what is

Curled Up

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other. And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.   To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week. We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping. Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm

Pains in the Butt

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side. There's a reason I point this out, I promise. Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together. And Lux will be just back from h

Messy

If my brain were a room, It'd be a big space, with lots of random things.  Space to dance, and work tables, and big bookshelves, and big boxes where cute boys live.  Normally, it's got lots of things being worked on and thought about but all in their respective areas, where they stay organized, and let me work on everything I want. Right now though, it's a mess.  A mess of different things. I miss spending time with Lux and Kitty.  Even though I've been talking to them both more regularly, I haven't had time to relax with either of them in person for months.  Lux was planning to come down last weekend to spend time with his parents, and we would have found some time for quiet snuggles, but he was sick, which means I won't be seeing him until after he gets back from travelling to far away lands for work.  Pretty much all I want at this point is time to actually physically snuggle up with them. I'm worried about Lux with everything in his life right now.

Reminders

There are times that I see how much I've grown over time, and how I've learned to see red flags, and just how much I truly won't put up with. Unfortunately, I'm seeing this because of other people. There are emotionally abusive people out there who purposely seek out those who are fresh out of relationships.  People who hunt down those who have been single for a long time.  The kind of people who know they are toxic partners, but don't want to change themselves to have healthy relationships, but hope they'll find someone that will believe their poison for the long term. When someone gets out of an abusive relationship, or gets done with a bad break up, or has been unpartnered for a long time, it causes them to crave attention.  To eat up any acknowledgement focused at them, and throw themselves at it, because they are so used to the opposite.  They hope that this person that says positive things means them, even though they say it without knowing who they

A Difficult List

There was this thing on social media lately, where people are supposed to choose three fictional characters that they relate to/explain who they are.  A ton of people were posting it all around, and while I wanted to see what people thought of, I couldn't think of a list for myself.  I am in general someone who is very much only myself.  I'm weird, and proud of it, and it makes it hard for me to be really similar to anyone. I posted it anyway, wondering what people would respond with. One person posted a purple minion.  Yea, thanks asshat.  While that may have been a joke once, it actually doesn't relate to who I am at all.  Glad to hear that you have no idea about me. Someone else said Karen Murphy from Dresden Files.  Which, while I wouldn't normally make that correlation, I do find a ton of similarities when I think about it.  I enjoy this comparison, for several reasons, and as such, I will put her on my list. Well, then I kept thinking.  Three characters th

Time

I've been trying to have more time talking to both Kitty and Lux.  Regular chats with Kitty have been helping a ton, and have had a very positive impact on my mood.  Lux has been stressed though, and even though we recently saw each other when we went camping, we got very little time to relax together. And that's what I want. I want time to just curl up and relax with someone.  Time when we're not running around trying to get stuff done, and I can actually have physical contact and comfort. It's been a couple months since it's happened at this point, and it's definitely affecting me.   Things like this cause me to be cranky more easily, and I lose my place in thought, or just feel off.   While there's possible time I'll be spending with both boys in the next month, I don't know about either of them definitely yet, and it makes me feel worse in a way.  Because at this point, I've more or less learned not to expect the happier op

Busy Hands

Now that the summer is done, and I'm no longer prepping for a ton of different large events, I'm back to wanting to dive into a ton of creative projects. I'm knee deep in crochet, both with a massive project started, and a ton of ideas for things I want to make.  Those alone will likely keep me busy for a while.  They'll be super cute, and the people they're going to should love them. I have been wanting to try a ton of new recipes, both on random impulse things that look tasty, and ideas for the beast's breakfasts and such.  We're also still testing out timing for things on the new stove since swapping over to gas, which means needing to use Rosh Hashanah as an excuse for experiments.  So far nothing has gone too oddly though. Even though I already do a ton of different things, I want to try making a quilt for the first time.  It doesn't seem like it should take too long to do if I pick something simple for a pattern, and this time of year is the

Growth

This is going to be a dancey rant.  Because it needs to happen.  Consider yourself warned. Over the faire I worked at, I spent time with some of the dancers I've known for just about my entire time doing belly dance.  They've always been very chill, and decent people, but as dancers, they are incredibly frustrating. Everything from costuming, to makeup, to their dancing itself, and attitude towards it is a project for me to be around.  They have this sort of half assed attempt at education in regards to tribal belly dance that leads them to having barely decent costumes (that they don't even know what they're actually wearing) giant swirls on their face that they think are traditional harquus (normally small dots and simple lines), and a level of proficiency in dance that is just enough to where if they actually practiced with how they've been taught, they're likely to injure themselves. The point of tribal belly dance is to use a series of moves with othe

Shy on Snuggles

Last weekend was a faire I was dancing at, and Lux went to fight and see friends.  It was also a really long week prior to.  Lux will be travelling far away for work in a month, and things with his family were a bit stressful, as well as things at home being difficult for me. We both have somewhat different circles at this faire.  Where Lux is good friends with all the fighters, I've become friends with the other dancers, vendors and performers over time, so we wind up doing very different things during the day.  This resulted in both of us having a very different days, that were less relaxing than we'd expected them to be. Lux saw a lot of his old partners, and there is a ton of things going on with all of them, Most of which were either creating stress in their lives, or frustrating for him.  And after they'd all expressed interest in playing, they all bailed.  Had I not been so busy as well during the day (with things I intend to write about later) I would have made