A New Devious Chapter

I recently was talking to some folks, and when talking about exes, I mentioned some of the things that the gnome and Thrax had done.  I said it all casually, just like normal conversation.  After they got over their surprise of how much I'd dealt with through them, they said they were glad that I'd forgiven them for my own peace of mind and healing. I very quickly corrected them. I'm not the type to forgive a person for things they've done, and I definitely don't forget.  It doesn't bring me peace, or help me heal or anything like that.  What I can do though, is move on, and realize that they aren't worth my time any longer, or the effort to actively wish them ill. I'm aware of what they've done though.  Always.  People don't change.  They don't deserve to be treated like everything is bright and shiny for everything they've done.  I will take what they've done as something to learn from, and never stand for anyone doing similar

I've had a major pet peeve with any partners and loved ones for as long as I can remember.  Honestly, any time I've even seen someone else do it, it makes my skin crawl, and fills me with rage.  The kind of thing where it legitimately makes me feel like they are less healthy of a partner when it happens.  Unfortunately, it's something really common. Things like "if you love me you'll..." or "Because I love you" or "Don't you love me?" I've literally told partners that if they were said those things to me, I'd walk.  I'd be done, and never look back. I do a ton of things that show affection and how much I care.  I am very blunt and blatant about how I feel with people.  To bring any of that into question isn't funny, or cute.  It feels and looks manipulative, and like you're looking for me to prove something, and I don't stand for that.  I shouldn't have to prove anything to a person in order to consiste

In a way to continue my focus on a more positive mindspace, I think about the ways my mind works.  The things that give me better focus, and bring me peace. Obviously, I've talked about how service is how I show affection.  Getting to do things to help and take care of friends and loved ones gives me a sense of satisfaction in showing how I care.  Even when people are overly stressed, if I can take on some of it, or do things to help, it actually helps me manage the stress in my own life, and makes me feel happier, and more like me. Bringing people up, bringing them affirmation, and being a source of help probably brings me more positivity and peace than most other things in life, and I think I need to figure out how to utilize that. I know that I have a lot of experience with a lot of toxic and shitty behaviors.  I know that when I am not constantly being pushed down that I am a force of nature, and someone that many people are intimidated by.  I know that I am someone who i

One of the things I'm determined to manage this year is having a better sense of body image.  To do whatever I can to have a more realistic and loving view of my body and who I see in the mirror. My dysmorphia has been doing a hell of a job on my mental state lately, and I am absolutely not going to stand for it.  I shouldn't hate the way I look, or my body at all this much.  It's not healthy, and it's impacting on my life at times. If I didn't mention it recently, I've finally managed to do a headstand for the first time in my life!  I've been practicing it as a part of my workout almost every day, and it's making my shoulders and upper arms noticeably stronger.  I am finding issues with balance rather rather than strength, and so I know I'll find progress just with continuing practice.  I'm also enjoying seeing the progress I make overall with time. I've gone back to short hair, and that will be getting fixed soon after the clusterfu

Recently Fetlife went through and made a ton of words forbidden.  Made groups with vast sources of information invisible, and removed them from searches.  Some of the list includes things that we can pretty much all agree were not things to discuss on the site itself, and happen to be illegal in every sense. A lot of them though, were my major kinks.  I looked through that list and realized that all that was left of my interests were some very popular surface things, and it gave me a reminder of how many things I enjoy are considered taboo and edgeplay. And then I think about how often people acknowledge what they do as edgeplay.  That there is such a large chance for error if someone isn't educated or doesn't keep their focus.  To be honest though, that applies to so much of kink. If Kitty gets complacent with fire, he could give someone serious burns that require hospitalization and skin grafts.  If he gets greedy with hypnosis, he can completely reset someone's min

Eight years ago today there was snow on the ground, and more falling.  It was cold, but quiet and beautiful.  I remember sitting in the car, sore, feeling awkward, and still not like my body was right.  I was on the way home with the beast, less than 48 hours old, and still scrunched up in her green pajamas that didn't even fit yet. The previous days had been insane.  My water broke in the middle of cake for my brother's birthday.  I found out when I went to use the bathroom, and because I wasn't sure, I went to check without telling anyone.  Obviously, because of this everyone panicked, and I was off to the hospital. I didn't know it then, but I was apparently feeling contractions of labor.  Everyone swore that I wouldn't be able to function through them, but they just felt like irritating cramps.  Apparently, that's what early labor feels like. At the hospital, the nurses are weird.  However, one of the doctors I like is on duty, and that makes it a bit

Because I want to try to focus on the positive more, I feel like the most important thing is to remind yourself to find joy in the smaller things, and use that to bring light to the shitty situations, instead of only surrounding yourself with negative.  And so, I feel like thinking about all the little things that make me super happy. a good cup of coffee a cigar after a long productive day successfully doing something new for the first time seeing a finished project long car rides in spring fresh fruit smelling something cooking in the oven a piece of really good dark chocolate snuggling up and watching someone play video games sitting down with a puzzle having winding conversations that wind up being silly discussing science and logic going on an adventure sitting in front of a fire running around with friends dancing around to fast music listening to fun music and singing far too loudly walking through old books stores making food for, and taking care of loved

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what draws me to most kink. I very seldom get the chance to enjoy that floating rush with anyone, and don't ever expect it to happen.  I don't find zen in almost any play, or get a meditative feeling.  And yet, I want to do these things, and enjoy them. Lux and I recently have been talking a lot about how our tastes in video games differ.  He likes vast open world games, without a lot of demand, and the ability to just run around and zone out and do whatever.  I however, really enjoy very mentally stimulating games, and puzzles, and things that force me to think and learn.  I enjoy the intellectual and psychological challenge in video games. And, I think that's exactly it.  I enjoy rope because I don't know exactly what's coming next, and because there is always another step further.  I'm going to be challenged in rope, and need to focus my way through the ties, holding on in some places, and relaxing in others.  Wh

I finally got to the post office last week to send off the box of things for Kitty and everyone in the house down in Florida.  After I very impatiently waited for the two days it took to get there, I got to enjoy all the happy messages from all of them, snuggling their new things, and flailing with them, and having them oogle everything.  I was so happy that everyone found joy in the little things I made, and that it brought peace and happiness to house that has had a lot of anxiety all around lately. Afterward, I was talking with Kitty in the moments before he wound up falling asleep on the couch.  I reminded him to enjoy the happiness of the house today, and use it as time to relax and reset.  Apparently, his anxiety was so high, he hadn't even thought of that, and thanked me for the reminder.  I joked that it was part of my job, and something I had signed on for a long time ago.  That he had dealt with so much of my shit long ago that he didn't have to worry about things n

So, I notice that I post a lot of negative on here. I need to stop focusing and overthinking on that, and finding more sources of positivity to try and cultivate something better. As such, I will try to post less about negative things going on in this blog from here on out.  I will still keep things relevant and current to my life, but without so many things that hone in on the bad, and instead, try to talk more about the good. I've even posted here before about how people talk too much about the negative online, and not enough about the things that make them happy.  Time to try and start turning that around.

This year may be ending on a sour note, but more on that later.  In the meantime, I want to try and push more positivity by looking at everything I want the new year to bring. In the next year I want to: Dance somewhere new Finally get into a scorpion pose Spend way more time on an endorphin high Try something new Play around with a new coloring book Be around friends and partners more Go on adventures Continue growing beyond all the shit in my life Try to be as healthy and supportive as possible Become happy with my body That's a hell of a list.  Let's see if I manage.

This year has been... weird. I learned that I can balance multiple partners in person, and not just stare at them confused about which one to snuggle. I learned that metamours, and building connections with them can be awesome. Headstands became so close to my reach I can smell it. I experienced polydrop for the first time, and it sucks. I attended a partner's wedding, and used that time to dig into him in ways only I can. I was present. I learned as much as I could. Over just a couple weeks, I put together a coloring book to share with friends. For the first time, I wore rope, and got suspended. I built new friendships. I ended some toxic ones. The karma dance was performed. I spoke up. I started explaining to my daughter about negative behavior, manipulation, and abuse so she will always be able to recognize it. I discovered how much my body and mind is affected by my diet and exercise, even after only a couple days. This year has been a lot of goo

A little over a month ago, Kitty had a friend over, who had asked for help with some serious stuff.  We talked about it, and discussed about how she would likely start attaching herself to him, and that he needed to be aware of that. Well, gave it a couple weeks, and she wants to be a serious partner of his.  He's saying that she's making legitimate progress on making herself a better person, and someone who he would consider dating, but mostly just says she's cute.  Sometimes, old habits die hard. However, he already has three partners, and still has trouble balancing that many.  He knows this, and often talks to me about how badly he feels for not being able to give proper time to everyone.  Of course, he barely thinks about that when considering taking on another partner though. And it makes me think about how after a while of having two partners, that I'm still completely poly-saturated.  I can't imagine taking on another partner.  Both because I doub

Along with all the normal holiday stress, this year also brings about the cookiepocalypse, and making a ton of gifts for people. This year the cookiepocalypse happens to be a little smaller than normal.  I was initially told to barely make any, and when I pointed out how little it would be, I then said I would be making more, and it was understood.  The house is full of a ton of cookies, but unfortunately, there's been very little healthy stuff in the house as well, which has been turning my mood to garbage. I have also put together a whole box of stuff for Kitty, and the house down there.  I need to remember to mail it, and at this point it likely won't make it for Christmas, but it will make it there eventually.  I think it's all stuff they will enjoy, and can't wait for them to see everything. I've made some super cool stuff for Lux, and it's been really hard to keep it a secret.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him over the holidays, and

I saw Lux before he went back home last week.  He has been dealing with serious issues with his parents, and finally came by to see me while taking care of things. And where he had said he planned for us to go to brunch, he instead dropped the emotional bomb of everything going on.  And I just listened, curling up next to him while he dumped it all out.  Normally, Lux focuses so hard to keep everything at a baseline.  To act like he's unphased by things, and just able to move and flow with things.  This time, he let down those walls, and just spewed. It was one of those times when it reminds me there are still people who think men, and domly folk can't feel stress.  They need to be a rock through everything.  Those absolutely unrealistic expectations that prove they've never had a partner through any sort of serious life event.  This didn't make Lux weak, or any less of what he is.  If anything, it showed the trust and connection we have. And of course, he apologi

I've mentioned how Pyre and Lux are going through a lot of stuff right now.  There's chaos on all sides of my polycule, and it's creating a lot of stress. Kitty has been using what time he can to help with Pyre, and I've been trying to give him time and presence through it to process things.  Also discussing my view on the situation as a whole.  He's been helping Pyre, because they're living together, and she's his partner. I've also been talking a lot with Pyre through everything.  Even though she doesn't effect the stability or health of my relationships, she's still important to one of my important people, and someone I know would be a good friend regardless of us having a mutual partner.   Side notes: When Thrax was trying to win over Bit, I didn't approve of her at all.  She had no ambition, no respect, and barely took care of herself.  If Thrax wasn't trying to get into her pants, I never would have given her the time of

Everyone is entitled to bad days.  The world isn't all sunshine, and so we don't all need to be happy and sparkly every day.  In fact, that is part of what makes life and the world beautiful, is all the complex emotions and things that occur every day. And sometimes, on those really bad days we might be a bit of an ass.  Someone tries to help at just the wrong moment, and winds up being snapped at, taking the brunt of the stress from the day.  It's something that happens, and being able to see that this is what happened is important as well, so both parties can recognize it, talk as necessary, and move on. However, mental illness doesn't give an excuse for that to happen more often.  It doesn't create much excuse for it at all.  Unfortunately, a lot of people use mental illness as an excuse for poor behavior.  That it allows people to turn toxic, and then sweeps that under the rug because they have something to throw it at. But toxic behavior is never acceptab

I want to talk a little about mental illness. Which, I don't like calling it that.  It makes it sound like something similar to a cold.  Like you can just take something and everything goes away, and you feel fine, and go about the world like normal.  Like someone can visit, and tuck you in and bring you tea and soup and the next day you wake up feeling like you're back in fighting shape. And, it's not like that.  Things like depression, or anxiety or a slew of other things are something that sticks around for a long time.  Even if you manage to overhaul your life and feel better, you're still susceptible to it.  If the personal case is enough to feel that meds are necessary, they often lessen the symptoms, but don't completely alleviate them, and in most cases, isn't something that after taking them long enough you no longer need. While talking to Lux after Thanksgiving, he said he often feels like people go away when they realize that he doesn't want

The last week has been rather weird.  Sure, the weekend was good, but this week overall has just been a lot of stuff coming from everywhere. Apparently things exploded down south with Kitty, and now a lot of things are very shaky.  I've spent a lot of the week trying to talk to Pyre and Kitty about everything going on, and give my view on it all.  Unfortunately, it either has a lot of potential for harm, or people to be very upset for a good while.  It has me feeling rather protective of many people, and with them being far away, makes it worse. Lux is having some family issues, which has him incredibly stressed, and makes me very concerned for his family as well as for him.  He has a lot of anxiety over it, and I'm trying to help him stay calm and help where I can. Many things are going on, and not for the better.  A ton of things are in the air right now, and many others are exploding. While I may be trying to deal with things in my own house, it's times like this

While Lux was here for the holiday, we had initially made plans to go see a movie together, and hang out and talk and try to relax together.  A couple days before I looked up movie times and we made up a plan to spend Saturday together. We had also been talking about wanting to play more, and get back into things, and interest with all the stuff.  About having more comfort getting back into play, and how to have the little kick in the ass so that we do actually play, and not just have sex and snuggle, and more sex and video games. Well, Lux got to my place late on Saturday, and said that we should go get food.  On the way, he made a point of showing off his new toy bag (mostly because of some new things he got for himself), and mentioning all the other things in there.  We talked about some serious things, and some fun things, and found somewhere to eat near the theatre. During dinner we talked about some more serious stuff, and asked about the time once, and shrugged when I said