A New Devious Chapter

Last weekend, I attended my first public yoga class.  Even when I taught dance at a yoga studio, I didn't make it to a class. My wifey friend knows the owner of a brewery, and they have a fancy yoga class every other week, then reward everyone with a flight of adorably tiny beers.  We decided to go as a way to kick off a new set of dance classes after going to a hafla together recently. I've got to say, there was a lot of weird things about it, and not all of them were bad. When we got there, we went up the stairs, and I saw a bunch of people around the room, and noticed there was a good mix of different body types, and a handful of guys in the class.  Of course there were a good chunk of super super skinny girls all in designer yoga pants that probably cost more than all the clothing in my closet, and overpriced mats.  I giggled to myself when the teacher asked who had done yoga before, and they all said it was their first time, as I am there in my loose thai fisherman p

I put a lot of focus into trying to instill a good sense of right and wrong when it comes to the wee beastie.  Not just for how she should act, but in the actions of others around her, and what is acceptable, and what she should never allow or back down from. Unfortunately, my parents are a constant example of everything she should never do or allow. With very few exceptions, I make sure to respect whenever Squishy says she doesn't want hugs, or when I've snuggled her up too much and she wants a bit of space.  In return, she knows to respect that from me, and while we might pout a little if one says no, it's never meant maliciously. However, lately she hasn't wanted to hug my parents at all.  They openly treat me with very little respect, and try to force Squishy to show affection when she doesn't want to.  Usually she tries to run away in order to avoid it, and often winds up wanting to hug me.  Every time I ask her, she just says she doesn't want to

So, the other day Lux was feeling some kind of way, and after some encouragement, he sent me some nudes.  Which, I mean, getting to check out cute boys I like while they're far away is something I'm not going to complain about ever. However, I saw very clearly that he was uncomfortable with it, which is not something normal for him.  We talked about it, and how he doesn't want to feel so self conscious anymore.  That I would help him figure out things to do about it, and affirmed that I will nom on him as much as necessary until he feels pretty again.  And then after, because I already think he's pretty. Afterward, when he'd gone to work, and was busy in meetings, I thought about it more.  That his goal is to feel sexy again, and not feel so self conscious in front of a camera again.  And about how he wouldn't have much problem if I was on the other side of the room instead of a lens.  That usually I am reaffirming, and making contented grabby hands at him b

To start off, a short story: Kitty left the larp we attended before I did.  He was done there, and no longer having fun, and so he needed to leave.  As we were both doing logistics at the time, I took over, and continued to attend.  However, given the amount of time we spent together at events, no one really bothered trying to do anything with me because he was always there. Well, literally the event after he left I'm walking up to where some people are hanging out to join in on conversation, and a guy who is a known douchebag walks up to me.  He cuts me off in my tracks, grabs me by the shoulders, and tells me he's high, and that he wants to drag me into the woods to fuck me. Needless to say I'm a little put off by this and say something to the president of the larp.  He comes back to me later, telling me that he said he was just joking. Um, excuse me, the fuck?  He's not my friend, and if he was, he'd know that any sort of joke like that would be me

So, as a more lighthearted topic, something I often giggle at. As much as I don't want to get old, stop doing things, or become ignorant to the world, I absolutely can't wait to become a crotchety old person. Lux already says I'm a crotchety old man. Sometimes, we sit together either on his balcony, or my back porch, or while camping.  We set ourselves up with a cigar, or our pipes, smoke something tasty, and sip rum.  We look exactly like an 80 year old couple yelling at the hoodlums running around outside.  It's probably adorable. There are times even when it's just me, with a cigar and a drink, reading a book and hollering at anyone making too much noise. The other day, a remake was made of my favorite NES game.  I went on an old person rant with a friend, about how back in my day, we weren't able to save our game, and limited lives, so we had to get good enough to beat the game in a day.  And we couldn't just leave the console on, because the c

It's been a long time since I've broken up with Thrax, and gone without an abusive partner in my life.  A long time since I've had that negative influence, and everything that comes with it. In that time, I've learned a lot.  I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more. Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through. I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time. Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault.  Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time.  Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked. Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in m

So, I found out some spoilers of the new Logan movie that came out recently.  Apparently, one of the main themes is the concept and lesson of "Don't become what they've made you into".  And, I think it's a hell of a theme for a story like that, and one that really gets into some of the nitty gritty of the old marvel comic universe, especially for a character like Logan. But, when I heard that the theme was something like that, I thought about it, and how much I fought to be different from what others have tried to force me to be. I was taught to cower.  To just take whatever others do to me, because they're entitled to treat me like shit.  I was taught to have to do without because I must be like others, and plan to fuck things up in exactly the same ways.  I was taught that wanting to be treated with respect made me uncontrollable.  That I should never ask for help, but expect to have to do absolutely everything for others. I was taught to take advantag

The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state.  That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements. Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me.  I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point.  That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward.  That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can. And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point.  Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed.  I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there. It'

The other day, I got what I thought was a smart idea.  I'd just google "Thunder thighs" and get to enjoy lots of pictures of men with big pretty legs and cute butts.  It seemed like a great plan, full of awesome rewards. Well, I tried it, and what came up was a ton of images of things like ways to get rid of thunder thighs, ways to slim down legs, and what exercises are necessary to have thin thighs and legs.  To have "sexy legs" and how to get them. Then I looked and saw more showing women who were talking about how strong they were with their thicker legs, and how it was them showing love for themselves, and not needed to find a partner. It very blatantly showed this divide in society for women.  That idea that you can be strong an independent, or thin and attractive, but never can they mix.  And I think that's more media than real life right now. And we know how much I like to follow the suggestions of media. I hate that there is this divide.  T

Someone was talking to me the other day about how she actually kicked her husband's partner out of the house a while ago.  He has had serious health issues for months now, and is unable to drive for a good while longer.  So, his other partner has to come to the house to see him.  Apparently, she was coming by so often to act as a supportive partner that his wife felt like she was "shoved into a co-wife situation" and his partner was acting like she wanted a "mommy dom". Now, this person is bad with people.  Like, she pretty much shuns anyone outside of a handful of people away, and is so closed minded in seriously radical ideas that she shoves most of those away as well.  Having not been there, but knowing her, I'd say she just got tired of having someone else female in the house, and threw a fit. To which, she then told me that she actively wanted to avoid talking to or seeing her metamour, and was only ok with her husband having her around when he

Usually, Kitty and I make time for each other on Mondays.  We spend some amount of the evening  talking, and going on tangents, and being silly.  We still have some problems staying connected and communicating with the distance through the rest of the week, but generally this is pretty reliable time together. The Monday before Valentine's, I got a message from him saying we wouldn't be able to talk, because it was his anniversary with Pyre, and he wanted to go out and celebrate with her.  While I thought to myself that they probably have the worst date for an anniversary ever, I'm never going to stop him from spending time with a partner, or him from celebrating something. It happened to be a particularly bad day unfortunately, and so he was being a bit more present than usual as we talked about several things, including how Pyre absolutely loved the present I made for Kitty.  That he bought her a chain starter kit and some scales so she could play around with learni

Lux decided that with everything going on, he was going to come down and visit on his own decision the weekend before Valentine's Day.  He needed to do it on his own, and for his own peace of mind, instead of things exploding and him being asked to rush down by his mom. Having not seen him since Christmas, I asked if it was possible for us to have some time.  We've both had a lot going on, and probably needed the time together to talk and hang out and be present for each other. Well, we didn't quite get the amount of time we wanted, but I know it helped me a lot.  We didn't do anything special, but there were lots of little gestures that reminded me how much he cares, and set a lot of things straight in my head.  He also needed to talk about a lot of serious things going on in his own brain, and how messed up he is right now, and some little conflicts in personality we have.  I assured him that while yes things we going on, and that we both wanted some different thi

A lot has been going on in the last few weeks.  Some of it will finally start calming down, and others are going to continue creating anxiety. Things at home are worse than ever.  The gnome has just started making empty promises and not telling me he's breaking them, so I've lost out on plans, and means I'm getting very little time out with anyone.  This is even more heavily changed by the fact that he is seeing the beast during the week, which means her entire schedule during school is getting fucked with.  My parents have just decided t completely ignore me as a person unless they're telling me I'm stupid or worthless because I'm either trying to point something out, or have a different opinion than they do. I've gone through a lot of my clothes to start dressing in a way that makes me feel more like me, as well as cracking down on my diet, and working out more.  I will find a way to stop hating my body this year, and stop the anxiety attacks that my d

It's Valentine's Day soon, and I have very mixed feeling this year. I'm feeling incredibly lonely lately, and my mental state is much lower than it has been in a while.  It's been a long time since I've had any chance to decompress, and longer since I've had real time with my partners to just enjoy them.  At the same time, I've been doing as much as I can to help them, as they both have massive stressful things going on, and need presence in whatever ways I can provide. At the same time, I've pushed aside all the commercial bullshit of this holiday.  If it isn't obvious, I don't need a holiday to show people affection, but it gives me an excuse, and a desire to do a ton of little cute and fun things for everyone I care about.  No pressure of grand things, or feeling of obligation.  However, I want everyone, from just friends, to partners, to feel cared about, because that's incredibly important. I've decided that holidays aren't

Today marks six years since I kicked out the gnome.  Not even on the day I had planned, but when he tried to pull his manipulative bullshit so close to when I had planned it for, that I pulled the trigger early. So often, my needs and words were ignored.  Even when I was so depressed and my stress levels were so high that I had vertigo that left me unable to turn my head without nearly collapsing (but still taking care of an infant despite this) and told him that I had started having suicidal thoughts, I was ignored, and instead he shoved at me that I made him want to kill himself suddenly.  Trying to weaponize my thoughts, and wanting to be treated like a human.  Everything I would tell him would be ignored.  Everything I said was a problem, and would be shoved down so hard with a big dose of poison and attacks.  I wasn't allowed to have a voice. And then, six years ago, I was done.  Done having that poison shoved down my throat to shut me up.  Done being forced into silence.

I recently was talking to some folks, and when talking about exes, I mentioned some of the things that the gnome and Thrax had done.  I said it all casually, just like normal conversation.  After they got over their surprise of how much I'd dealt with through them, they said they were glad that I'd forgiven them for my own peace of mind and healing. I very quickly corrected them. I'm not the type to forgive a person for things they've done, and I definitely don't forget.  It doesn't bring me peace, or help me heal or anything like that.  What I can do though, is move on, and realize that they aren't worth my time any longer, or the effort to actively wish them ill. I'm aware of what they've done though.  Always.  People don't change.  They don't deserve to be treated like everything is bright and shiny for everything they've done.  I will take what they've done as something to learn from, and never stand for anyone doing similar

I've had a major pet peeve with any partners and loved ones for as long as I can remember.  Honestly, any time I've even seen someone else do it, it makes my skin crawl, and fills me with rage.  The kind of thing where it legitimately makes me feel like they are less healthy of a partner when it happens.  Unfortunately, it's something really common. Things like "if you love me you'll..." or "Because I love you" or "Don't you love me?" I've literally told partners that if they were said those things to me, I'd walk.  I'd be done, and never look back. I do a ton of things that show affection and how much I care.  I am very blunt and blatant about how I feel with people.  To bring any of that into question isn't funny, or cute.  It feels and looks manipulative, and like you're looking for me to prove something, and I don't stand for that.  I shouldn't have to prove anything to a person in order to consiste

In a way to continue my focus on a more positive mindspace, I think about the ways my mind works.  The things that give me better focus, and bring me peace. Obviously, I've talked about how service is how I show affection.  Getting to do things to help and take care of friends and loved ones gives me a sense of satisfaction in showing how I care.  Even when people are overly stressed, if I can take on some of it, or do things to help, it actually helps me manage the stress in my own life, and makes me feel happier, and more like me. Bringing people up, bringing them affirmation, and being a source of help probably brings me more positivity and peace than most other things in life, and I think I need to figure out how to utilize that. I know that I have a lot of experience with a lot of toxic and shitty behaviors.  I know that when I am not constantly being pushed down that I am a force of nature, and someone that many people are intimidated by.  I know that I am someone who i

One of the things I'm determined to manage this year is having a better sense of body image.  To do whatever I can to have a more realistic and loving view of my body and who I see in the mirror. My dysmorphia has been doing a hell of a job on my mental state lately, and I am absolutely not going to stand for it.  I shouldn't hate the way I look, or my body at all this much.  It's not healthy, and it's impacting on my life at times. If I didn't mention it recently, I've finally managed to do a headstand for the first time in my life!  I've been practicing it as a part of my workout almost every day, and it's making my shoulders and upper arms noticeably stronger.  I am finding issues with balance rather rather than strength, and so I know I'll find progress just with continuing practice.  I'm also enjoying seeing the progress I make overall with time. I've gone back to short hair, and that will be getting fixed soon after the clusterfu

Recently Fetlife went through and made a ton of words forbidden.  Made groups with vast sources of information invisible, and removed them from searches.  Some of the list includes things that we can pretty much all agree were not things to discuss on the site itself, and happen to be illegal in every sense. A lot of them though, were my major kinks.  I looked through that list and realized that all that was left of my interests were some very popular surface things, and it gave me a reminder of how many things I enjoy are considered taboo and edgeplay. And then I think about how often people acknowledge what they do as edgeplay.  That there is such a large chance for error if someone isn't educated or doesn't keep their focus.  To be honest though, that applies to so much of kink. If Kitty gets complacent with fire, he could give someone serious burns that require hospitalization and skin grafts.  If he gets greedy with hypnosis, he can completely reset someone's min