A New Devious Chapter

I've been trying to actually do more to pursue getting into better shape.  Of course, it's all hard to actually do here, as I fight for healthy foods, and then see only meat and potatoes in my fridge.  I'm trying to make the most of the little things in the house, and create small adjustments to eat better, and feel better. It's much harder to do this time around, than when I lost all the weight after Squishy.  I've cut out most sugars comparatively, and don't drink many calories, as well as limit processed foods to a minimum.  What worked the first time still exists, so the only place to really go from here isn't much of an option in my current situation. And there isn't much advice out there for people in my situation.  Apparently the average person lives off fast food, never exercises, and chugs soda and frilly coffee drinks.  Obviously making changes from that will cause massive differences.  There isn't much out there for people who already

Lux and I were having a conversation in a diner about a handful of things while I was up there, prior to some grocery shopping that needed to get done.  It was a few really important things we needed to go over, on several topics, and then apparently I reminded him of something that he often forgets about. When we go out places, I'm usually with someone.  I very rarely walk anywhere at night by myself, even though Lux encourages me to go out by myself if he decides to stay in when we go out to something on the larger side. He forgets though, that as someone small, and female bodied, who is pretty blatantly sex positive, and while I intimidate women, a lot of men who don't shy away from me tend to look at me like an easy target.  In fact, there have been very few venues I've gone to where at some point someone didn't try to go further than I was comfortable. And Lux knows that I'm not an easy target, because I'm going to keep anything I don't want happe

This week has been incredibly draining.  Every day there has been something else happening that has just left me more and more fried. The old man has been throwing screaming fits telling me how I'm too stupid to function.  This is after I am asked to literally put cookies on a plate for him to offer people who come over and prepping a pot of coffee, because he admits he "can't handle doing that" himself. Gnome has been bringing Squishy home super late on weekends he takes her, both on a holiday (so she spent none of it with us, making my mom a pissy pain in the ass to boot) and on a school night.  Not only that, but I sent her with a school project over her spring break, and in that week, and the weekend after they had barely anything done, but swore they'd get it done this weekend.  I told him to just bring it down, and we'd finish it.  Well, there was so little done, and almost all incorrect, which meant we needed to do it all over, in a week before it was

Even when I was a teenager, I got calls when shit hit the fan.  Massive things happened, and I was the person who could figure out what to do.  The one who reminded other people to breathe, and stayed calm and handled things. For some reason, I kept my composure during these massive explosions.  I can keep cool, and direct things, and figure out what to do, and help everyone, or take action myself. The little things though.  They tear me apart.  I freak, want to curl up in a ball, and hit things, and scream. And, I think it's because there is so little I can do.  With an abusive household, the little things happen a lot, and it winds up turning into me venting to Lux a lot, even though he doesn't deserve it with everything else going on right now. Little issues, and small problems with people being assholes get to me way more than they should. And, I think it's that those little things are so constant.  So consistent, and without me able to just do what's nece

So, I'm pretty open with the general public about the goings on in my life.  About kink, and poly, and gender, and all those things.  Obviously, I don't let it take over conversation with my vanilla friends, and am able to keep things professional and appropriate when needed, but I don't feel a need to hide that from every other aspect of my life. At home though, I deal with listening to my parents spewing all the bigoted shit about how so many people who aren't almost completely heteronormative are broken, sick, looking for attention, or a thousand other things.  I listen to them reference things I identify with, and that they believe those people demented.  They tell me that because I don't have a stereotypical relationship, I'm being taken advantage of, and that I'm just being stupid. And so even though I'm not gay, or trans, I'm in the closet at home, with so many aspects of my life. It's stressful honestly, and I don't know how so

I've been thinking a lot about how looking like me, and feeling like me helps my mood. I went through my old clothes a while ago, and got rid of a lot of stuff that fit poorly, or was getting old, or things that had been bought for me that I just hated.  Since then picking out clothes makes me feel like I'm being me, rather than having to force myself to act like me while in someone else's clothes. I generally dress very differently how society would deem "normal", or a preferred way from anyone else in my house, and a lot of people I know.  I also have a lot of things about my appearance that have me regularly getting stared at in public, and told are bad or stupid decisions. Here's the thing though.  The choices I make about my appearance are the kind of thing that is damn near impossible to actually get me down on.  Because those things make me who I am.  They make me feel like me, and I can't be brought down for that.  My goal isn't to just f

The day after I arrived in the frozen north, Lux and I went grocery shopping for the week.  He was happy not to have to cook for a week, and I enjoy grocery shopping, and cooking. As we were checking out, Lux found a cashier that he normally flirts with the entire time.  As he's trying to casually flirt in the same way that he usually would, and I very clearly have no problem with it, being polite, and bagging things up so they can talk, she suddenly gets very quiet, and even moreso as I respond to Lux. We walked out, and went to load up the truck, and I pointed out something to Lux that I've been meaning to write about anyway. Most women are incredibly intimidated by me. More often than not, women treat me like shit because they don't know how to act around me.  I mesh very well with more masculine people, put off a very masculine energy, and generally don't give a fuck what people think of me so long as they are respectful.  Women in general seem to not know w

For being in the frozen north, it feels really close to summer time.  I decided to spend some of the afternoons on the balcony, because it's nicer out, and it almost feels uncomfortably warm. Oh well, I'll take being outside again. It's been a good couple days as of writing this.  Lots of snuggles, and talking about stuff going on currently and planning ahead.  We've made jokes about how we usually get nothing done together when we have so much time, constantly using the excuse that we have enough chance to get to it, and simply never do.  That we opt to simply snuggle up, and do the little cute things together, but when we only have a weekend, we rush for everything.  I find it really funny how long this has simply happened for us. It's been nice just relaxing though.  It's noticeable how much we enjoy the little things we do, and how they make us happy even if we are poking at each other. Also, I think people are confused when they see or hear us being

I've had very similar conversations a few times in the last week, and once even in regards to this current trip to see Lux.  It has to do with bratty behavior, and where the lines lie between healthy, being an asshole, and manipulation. This is one of those things where I think being a switch gives me a bit of an advantage in knowing where those lines are, but I also try to be as respectful of people as possible, and keep track of their personal lines. I have no problem saying that I'm a brat when it comes down to it.  I sass people, cause trouble, make mischief, and press buttons.  I however, see when someone is legitimately busy with something, and know when they don't have the personal bandwidth to deal with me poking.  Adapting to situations, and respecting requests and being aware is part of being a decent partner, friend, and person. It's easy to hit the point of being an asshole, or down right manipulating someone and trying to pass it off as playful bratti

Tomorrow, the wee beastie goes off with the gnome over her spring break from school.  That means over a week when I don't need to be home to watch over her.   Which means that the next morning, I start a long trek of trains to head north and spend time with Lux, which I'm looking forward to more than I can say.   It's been a long time since I've been up there.  Almost a year honestly, and I miss getting to have time just with him up north.  We also haven't had much chance to spend any sort of extended amount of time together in far too long.   We've both hit the point where that distance has created that purely imaginary paranoia.  I recognized it a while ago, and I think getting to spend some serious time together will help.  Getting to relax, and enjoy time, and not try to cram a couple of hours with each other will definitely do us both good. We managed to go a long time with this distance, and the last year has really been a test with far less

Quite a while ago, Lux and I were talking about some of the effects of his being hurt by past partners.  How it affected us, and our dynamic. And while yes, that hurt did cause our dynamic to change a lot, as well as take some steps back in several ways, Lux is the kind of person who thrives when he has multiple partners.  I've noticed a few times that when he has a pool of active partners, he tends to be more affectionate and connected and move further with all of them.  When it's just us, he's present and attentive, and I don't feel ignored in any way, but there is massive change when he has another partner there. It's amazing in some ways.  To see how someone thrives as a partner, just by having someone else there.  And I know I'm not lacking in any way that I don't bring that out in him, but simply that he is wired in a way where he best fits into a open poly situation. I'd need to ask Lux to be certain, but I feel as though it doesn't

Last weekend, I attended my first public yoga class.  Even when I taught dance at a yoga studio, I didn't make it to a class. My wifey friend knows the owner of a brewery, and they have a fancy yoga class every other week, then reward everyone with a flight of adorably tiny beers.  We decided to go as a way to kick off a new set of dance classes after going to a hafla together recently. I've got to say, there was a lot of weird things about it, and not all of them were bad. When we got there, we went up the stairs, and I saw a bunch of people around the room, and noticed there was a good mix of different body types, and a handful of guys in the class.  Of course there were a good chunk of super super skinny girls all in designer yoga pants that probably cost more than all the clothing in my closet, and overpriced mats.  I giggled to myself when the teacher asked who had done yoga before, and they all said it was their first time, as I am there in my loose thai fisherman p

I put a lot of focus into trying to instill a good sense of right and wrong when it comes to the wee beastie.  Not just for how she should act, but in the actions of others around her, and what is acceptable, and what she should never allow or back down from. Unfortunately, my parents are a constant example of everything she should never do or allow. With very few exceptions, I make sure to respect whenever Squishy says she doesn't want hugs, or when I've snuggled her up too much and she wants a bit of space.  In return, she knows to respect that from me, and while we might pout a little if one says no, it's never meant maliciously. However, lately she hasn't wanted to hug my parents at all.  They openly treat me with very little respect, and try to force Squishy to show affection when she doesn't want to.  Usually she tries to run away in order to avoid it, and often winds up wanting to hug me.  Every time I ask her, she just says she doesn't want to

So, the other day Lux was feeling some kind of way, and after some encouragement, he sent me some nudes.  Which, I mean, getting to check out cute boys I like while they're far away is something I'm not going to complain about ever. However, I saw very clearly that he was uncomfortable with it, which is not something normal for him.  We talked about it, and how he doesn't want to feel so self conscious anymore.  That I would help him figure out things to do about it, and affirmed that I will nom on him as much as necessary until he feels pretty again.  And then after, because I already think he's pretty. Afterward, when he'd gone to work, and was busy in meetings, I thought about it more.  That his goal is to feel sexy again, and not feel so self conscious in front of a camera again.  And about how he wouldn't have much problem if I was on the other side of the room instead of a lens.  That usually I am reaffirming, and making contented grabby hands at him b

To start off, a short story: Kitty left the larp we attended before I did.  He was done there, and no longer having fun, and so he needed to leave.  As we were both doing logistics at the time, I took over, and continued to attend.  However, given the amount of time we spent together at events, no one really bothered trying to do anything with me because he was always there. Well, literally the event after he left I'm walking up to where some people are hanging out to join in on conversation, and a guy who is a known douchebag walks up to me.  He cuts me off in my tracks, grabs me by the shoulders, and tells me he's high, and that he wants to drag me into the woods to fuck me. Needless to say I'm a little put off by this and say something to the president of the larp.  He comes back to me later, telling me that he said he was just joking. Um, excuse me, the fuck?  He's not my friend, and if he was, he'd know that any sort of joke like that would be me

So, as a more lighthearted topic, something I often giggle at. As much as I don't want to get old, stop doing things, or become ignorant to the world, I absolutely can't wait to become a crotchety old person. Lux already says I'm a crotchety old man. Sometimes, we sit together either on his balcony, or my back porch, or while camping.  We set ourselves up with a cigar, or our pipes, smoke something tasty, and sip rum.  We look exactly like an 80 year old couple yelling at the hoodlums running around outside.  It's probably adorable. There are times even when it's just me, with a cigar and a drink, reading a book and hollering at anyone making too much noise. The other day, a remake was made of my favorite NES game.  I went on an old person rant with a friend, about how back in my day, we weren't able to save our game, and limited lives, so we had to get good enough to beat the game in a day.  And we couldn't just leave the console on, because the c

It's been a long time since I've broken up with Thrax, and gone without an abusive partner in my life.  A long time since I've had that negative influence, and everything that comes with it. In that time, I've learned a lot.  I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more. Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through. I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time. Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault.  Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time.  Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked. Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in m

So, I found out some spoilers of the new Logan movie that came out recently.  Apparently, one of the main themes is the concept and lesson of "Don't become what they've made you into".  And, I think it's a hell of a theme for a story like that, and one that really gets into some of the nitty gritty of the old marvel comic universe, especially for a character like Logan. But, when I heard that the theme was something like that, I thought about it, and how much I fought to be different from what others have tried to force me to be. I was taught to cower.  To just take whatever others do to me, because they're entitled to treat me like shit.  I was taught to have to do without because I must be like others, and plan to fuck things up in exactly the same ways.  I was taught that wanting to be treated with respect made me uncontrollable.  That I should never ask for help, but expect to have to do absolutely everything for others. I was taught to take advantag

The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state.  That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements. Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me.  I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point.  That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward.  That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can. And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point.  Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed.  I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there. It'

The other day, I got what I thought was a smart idea.  I'd just google "Thunder thighs" and get to enjoy lots of pictures of men with big pretty legs and cute butts.  It seemed like a great plan, full of awesome rewards. Well, I tried it, and what came up was a ton of images of things like ways to get rid of thunder thighs, ways to slim down legs, and what exercises are necessary to have thin thighs and legs.  To have "sexy legs" and how to get them. Then I looked and saw more showing women who were talking about how strong they were with their thicker legs, and how it was them showing love for themselves, and not needed to find a partner. It very blatantly showed this divide in society for women.  That idea that you can be strong an independent, or thin and attractive, but never can they mix.  And I think that's more media than real life right now. And we know how much I like to follow the suggestions of media. I hate that there is this divide.  T