A New Devious Chapter

Is Polyamory day! I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet. Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves. Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps. Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a resp

It's pride month and shit!  And it just so happens that the days that would apply to me actually match my posting schedule!  Which means the next few posts are going to focus on an aspect of me is meant to be celebrated, because it's weird, and that's cool. Today is Demisexual pride day, and I can clearly say this is something I've been more aware of for the longest time.  The fact that I'm attracted to so few people out there, that for a very long time I had no idea that sexual attraction was actually a thing, and that it was separate from emotional attraction. Because it's something people especially don't talk much about when they're younger (and for reasons I'll probably get to in a post soon) I thought all this was normal.  As I got a little bit older and figured out what the actual difference was, I thought I was just really picky.  Incredibly picky, and awkward. Well, the awkward part is right, but that has nothing to do with it. See,

Lux and I were chatting the other day, and he asked me if I'd seen Berserk.  I actually just watched it recently, so it was all fresh in my head.  Then he asked me if I felt like Griffith was justified. If you don't know, Griffith is the leader of a mercenary group who starts taking on a lot of royal contracts, and gaining status while holding onto a cursed pendant.  At one point, he is captured, and tortured every day for three years.  He then is rescued by the protagonist Guts, and his second in command, Casca.  Shortly after, he sees the budding romance of the two of them, then triggers the Eclipse with his pendant, sacrificing his entire group to a collective of greater demons, in order to become a demon himself.  To top it off, he then rapes Casca in front of Guts, who is barely alive. And, then he sort of helps some people after. Here's the thing.  He's classically pretty in the silver haired bishounen kind of way.  Which means that he honey dicks everyone.

Last weekend with Memorial Day, the beast was gone with the gnome for a while, and I had figured on spending the time cleaning through things that really needed sorting, reading, and catching up on a ton of things that I need to start forcing myself into head first. Well, Lux was just back from a trip to see his family on the island, and wasn't sure when he was headed home.  One morning, he asked what I was up to, and I'm pretty sure my answer didn't matter.  He said he was going to pick me up so I could help him with some things, and we could spend time together. It was a day out of nowhere, and he was pulled in many different directions mentally, but in several ways, almost seemed like he was better put together than he has been in a while.  And honestly, a lot of things are more resolved now than they were a while ago.  So many things that were up in the air have been decided on, and I think it's brought him peace of mind.  He's been much more affectionate ag

Sometimes, I'm reminded that I've learned a lot of things the hard way.  That with the amount of emotional or physical abuse I've dealt with, I do have a lot of typical traits that occur, but I've also picked up a lot of good from it.  I take the time to heal, and look at it all, and realize what is and isn't healthy or acceptable. Recently, I've realized a few things. That whole learning process is a very rare thing. Without dealing with all that shit in the past, I didn't have those poor examples to look at, a lot of people I know just avoid confrontation and full healthy interaction.  They grow complacent, and figure that things don't need real work, or know how to speak of their own needs, because they've never really examined them.  I wouldn't have the mental pressure on myself to be a decent and present partner. And likewise, after dealing with everything, and then taking the time to examine, I learned exactly what is toxic behavior

I realized the other day that with the exception of little bits of dopey giggles, it's been months since I've had any sort of kink in my life.  That I grew complacent with it being absent from my life, and while I felt the occasional twinge for it, I found myself blaming my poor mental space for it, and dismissed it. What I didn't do, was acknowledge how much kink helps me in the day to day.  How much it does give me peace of mind, and makes me function better in the day to day.  Kink and play boosts my mood, and all those wonderful bonding chemicals in my brain. Unfortunately, my mental state is such that Fusion isn't an option for me.  I can't do any event that large essentially by myself, because for the most part, I will be.  That would have been a good opportunity for me to have play time, but there is too much else that it wouldn't do me much positive in the scheme of things. I'm going to make it a point to start forcing myself to do more with my

I know I said I was going to try and post less negative stuff this year, but holy hell, life saw that post and has been doing everything it can against that. I've been consistently in one of the shittiest mindspaces I've ever been in.  Things at home consistently get worse, I've been stood up or dropped more times than I can count, and had more things be cancelled, pulled from me, or simply made no longer an option. I'm feeling alone.  Alone and in constantly growing pile of shit that pulls me further and further from hope and happiness.  I absolutely notice a pile of key symptoms of depression in me, and they're all here and screaming. A lot of things need to change even with so much stacked against me.

Lately, Zero has been coming to me a lot with issues about poly stuff. Mind you, he still hasn't actually been in a poly dynamic, but is striving for it. And, I'm finding that he's becoming more reclusive, and at the same time just hunting for a third.  Like, giving people job requirements when meeting them of "This is the only role I'm looking for to have someone fill in my life right now" And I looked at everything he was saying, and the issues he's having, and confronted him about them. He wants a local support network.  People close by that he can confide in, and spend time with.  Well, I might think he needs to get rid of his current partner, because that relationship is toxic, and the things he says he wants he refuses to give to his current partner because he doesn't feel happy around her, but maybe meeting more people will help with that. I told him though, that he doesn't need a romantic partner to create a support network.  Some

It's Mother's Day again.  And I have to say, that since becoming a mom, I've had this day go from being absolute shit, to apathy over it, and now like all other holidays, feeling ignored. It's a day when I have no voice, and am actively disregarded for no reason.  A day when I've been the target of abuse when others have fucked up.   A day when I'm told I should be acknowledged, but then told that other people who are toxic as meant to be celebrated, and given whatever they want. And so, it's become a day that I've come to actively hate.  A day where it just reinforces that everyone here looks at me like I'm not a person.  And I'm tired of it. Because I am a person.  And I'm a mom because I was forced to be, and a damned caring one, that fights tooth and nail to teach and raise my daughter right.  I am worth celebrating, and I'm glad at least my kid knows that.

On Sunday morning, I was the first one out of bed.  I shambled my way down the stairs, and started the coffee.  As I sat down, with my warm mug of happy comfort, I took a few sips, and my mom shambled down as well, looked at me, and asked if I wanted to go to the flea market in search of produce. The year round farmers market we would normal hit up is currently closed, so it's been hard to find decent produce, but the weekend prior we went to a further flea market, and found so much we stopped when we literally couldn't carry any more. We went to one closer, which I've known had turned into a shit pile, but she insisted anyway.  As we walked from the parking lot, to find the fruits and veggies we hunted for, I found myself being the target of near constant comments.  People in near consistence either saying that I deserve an award for looking so much like a freak, about how fucked up my clothing was, or at the same time making passes in incredibly disrespectful ways.

I've been trying to actually do more to pursue getting into better shape.  Of course, it's all hard to actually do here, as I fight for healthy foods, and then see only meat and potatoes in my fridge.  I'm trying to make the most of the little things in the house, and create small adjustments to eat better, and feel better. It's much harder to do this time around, than when I lost all the weight after Squishy.  I've cut out most sugars comparatively, and don't drink many calories, as well as limit processed foods to a minimum.  What worked the first time still exists, so the only place to really go from here isn't much of an option in my current situation. And there isn't much advice out there for people in my situation.  Apparently the average person lives off fast food, never exercises, and chugs soda and frilly coffee drinks.  Obviously making changes from that will cause massive differences.  There isn't much out there for people who already

Lux and I were having a conversation in a diner about a handful of things while I was up there, prior to some grocery shopping that needed to get done.  It was a few really important things we needed to go over, on several topics, and then apparently I reminded him of something that he often forgets about. When we go out places, I'm usually with someone.  I very rarely walk anywhere at night by myself, even though Lux encourages me to go out by myself if he decides to stay in when we go out to something on the larger side. He forgets though, that as someone small, and female bodied, who is pretty blatantly sex positive, and while I intimidate women, a lot of men who don't shy away from me tend to look at me like an easy target.  In fact, there have been very few venues I've gone to where at some point someone didn't try to go further than I was comfortable. And Lux knows that I'm not an easy target, because I'm going to keep anything I don't want happe

This week has been incredibly draining.  Every day there has been something else happening that has just left me more and more fried. The old man has been throwing screaming fits telling me how I'm too stupid to function.  This is after I am asked to literally put cookies on a plate for him to offer people who come over and prepping a pot of coffee, because he admits he "can't handle doing that" himself. Gnome has been bringing Squishy home super late on weekends he takes her, both on a holiday (so she spent none of it with us, making my mom a pissy pain in the ass to boot) and on a school night.  Not only that, but I sent her with a school project over her spring break, and in that week, and the weekend after they had barely anything done, but swore they'd get it done this weekend.  I told him to just bring it down, and we'd finish it.  Well, there was so little done, and almost all incorrect, which meant we needed to do it all over, in a week before it was

Even when I was a teenager, I got calls when shit hit the fan.  Massive things happened, and I was the person who could figure out what to do.  The one who reminded other people to breathe, and stayed calm and handled things. For some reason, I kept my composure during these massive explosions.  I can keep cool, and direct things, and figure out what to do, and help everyone, or take action myself. The little things though.  They tear me apart.  I freak, want to curl up in a ball, and hit things, and scream. And, I think it's because there is so little I can do.  With an abusive household, the little things happen a lot, and it winds up turning into me venting to Lux a lot, even though he doesn't deserve it with everything else going on right now. Little issues, and small problems with people being assholes get to me way more than they should. And, I think it's that those little things are so constant.  So consistent, and without me able to just do what's nece

So, I'm pretty open with the general public about the goings on in my life.  About kink, and poly, and gender, and all those things.  Obviously, I don't let it take over conversation with my vanilla friends, and am able to keep things professional and appropriate when needed, but I don't feel a need to hide that from every other aspect of my life. At home though, I deal with listening to my parents spewing all the bigoted shit about how so many people who aren't almost completely heteronormative are broken, sick, looking for attention, or a thousand other things.  I listen to them reference things I identify with, and that they believe those people demented.  They tell me that because I don't have a stereotypical relationship, I'm being taken advantage of, and that I'm just being stupid. And so even though I'm not gay, or trans, I'm in the closet at home, with so many aspects of my life. It's stressful honestly, and I don't know how so

I've been thinking a lot about how looking like me, and feeling like me helps my mood. I went through my old clothes a while ago, and got rid of a lot of stuff that fit poorly, or was getting old, or things that had been bought for me that I just hated.  Since then picking out clothes makes me feel like I'm being me, rather than having to force myself to act like me while in someone else's clothes. I generally dress very differently how society would deem "normal", or a preferred way from anyone else in my house, and a lot of people I know.  I also have a lot of things about my appearance that have me regularly getting stared at in public, and told are bad or stupid decisions. Here's the thing though.  The choices I make about my appearance are the kind of thing that is damn near impossible to actually get me down on.  Because those things make me who I am.  They make me feel like me, and I can't be brought down for that.  My goal isn't to just f

The day after I arrived in the frozen north, Lux and I went grocery shopping for the week.  He was happy not to have to cook for a week, and I enjoy grocery shopping, and cooking. As we were checking out, Lux found a cashier that he normally flirts with the entire time.  As he's trying to casually flirt in the same way that he usually would, and I very clearly have no problem with it, being polite, and bagging things up so they can talk, she suddenly gets very quiet, and even moreso as I respond to Lux. We walked out, and went to load up the truck, and I pointed out something to Lux that I've been meaning to write about anyway. Most women are incredibly intimidated by me. More often than not, women treat me like shit because they don't know how to act around me.  I mesh very well with more masculine people, put off a very masculine energy, and generally don't give a fuck what people think of me so long as they are respectful.  Women in general seem to not know w

For being in the frozen north, it feels really close to summer time.  I decided to spend some of the afternoons on the balcony, because it's nicer out, and it almost feels uncomfortably warm. Oh well, I'll take being outside again. It's been a good couple days as of writing this.  Lots of snuggles, and talking about stuff going on currently and planning ahead.  We've made jokes about how we usually get nothing done together when we have so much time, constantly using the excuse that we have enough chance to get to it, and simply never do.  That we opt to simply snuggle up, and do the little cute things together, but when we only have a weekend, we rush for everything.  I find it really funny how long this has simply happened for us. It's been nice just relaxing though.  It's noticeable how much we enjoy the little things we do, and how they make us happy even if we are poking at each other. Also, I think people are confused when they see or hear us being

I've had very similar conversations a few times in the last week, and once even in regards to this current trip to see Lux.  It has to do with bratty behavior, and where the lines lie between healthy, being an asshole, and manipulation. This is one of those things where I think being a switch gives me a bit of an advantage in knowing where those lines are, but I also try to be as respectful of people as possible, and keep track of their personal lines. I have no problem saying that I'm a brat when it comes down to it.  I sass people, cause trouble, make mischief, and press buttons.  I however, see when someone is legitimately busy with something, and know when they don't have the personal bandwidth to deal with me poking.  Adapting to situations, and respecting requests and being aware is part of being a decent partner, friend, and person. It's easy to hit the point of being an asshole, or down right manipulating someone and trying to pass it off as playful bratti

Tomorrow, the wee beastie goes off with the gnome over her spring break from school.  That means over a week when I don't need to be home to watch over her.   Which means that the next morning, I start a long trek of trains to head north and spend time with Lux, which I'm looking forward to more than I can say.   It's been a long time since I've been up there.  Almost a year honestly, and I miss getting to have time just with him up north.  We also haven't had much chance to spend any sort of extended amount of time together in far too long.   We've both hit the point where that distance has created that purely imaginary paranoia.  I recognized it a while ago, and I think getting to spend some serious time together will help.  Getting to relax, and enjoy time, and not try to cram a couple of hours with each other will definitely do us both good. We managed to go a long time with this distance, and the last year has really been a test with far less