A New Devious Chapter

To start this off, I need to explain a couple small things in order to get even more humor from this.   My sister and I both have broad shoulders, and small breasts.  Boobs never really appeared for us, and even through my pregnancy, I simply actually fit into the B-cup bras that I'd only had because my mother refused to accept that I was actually an A-cup.  My mother on the other hand, has ginormous boobs, and has often spoken of her disbelief of my chest size.  To mess with her further, I often point out while finding clothes for squishy, that bras my size can be found in the children's section. Anyway, on to the silliness. Apparently, while squishy was gone, my mother had bought her training bras, because I don't know why.  The evening after she got home, she was laying with me as we watched something nerdy, and ma was trying to get her away to be up her butt and get her ready for bed. Ma got Squishy into her room by asking if she'd seen the new things

I looked down at the date on Tuesday, while having a particularly difficult day for a ton of reasons, and realized that it was four years to the day since Thrax and I broke up.  I mentioned it to Lux, and that I should do something he would have hated.  He jokingly just said "Yea, forget about him."  And while yes, it's best not to dwell on the past, and it's not like I went out of my way to remember it, or had even thought about it before that moment, it's not the best thing to completely forget. I don't think back on him fondly.  I don't think about it and blame myself.  I think about it, and remember the things he did.  How often he lied, or kept secrets, or tried to manipulate me, gaslight me, and use me to do whatever he wanted with disregard for myself. I try not to fixate on it, but I do think about it and feel glad that it's been gone from my life.  That I keep it in mind so I never do deal with it again.  It's something to acknowledg

Right now, a ton of vidja games are on sale, and so this week has had a super dopey thing going on, but it's kind of funny in its own way. I decided it was a good time to pick up some new games for myself, as they are really cheap, and my wish list was piling up.  I had a gift card I'd use to get a couple little things for myself, and something for Lux and I to play together. Well, I asked him which of two games he'd rather play with me, having told him about them both in the past, and that we would probably have a lot of fun with them.  Instead of getting a response, he buys me both, with a note saying he was sorry for being a dick lately.  Well, not only was he not being a dick lately, but now I needed to figure out what to get all over again.  I had wanted to be nice, and not make him buy games for once, and he did it anyway.  Which in ways was irritating, and cute, but still a little disheartening because I had wanted to be the one to pick things up for a change.

A while ago, my mom and I were out to lunch after running a bunch of errands.  We're sitting in a local diner, waiting on our food, and she mentions how my old man refuses to do anything for himself, and has never actually had to do for himself.  We talk about it for a bit, and then she makes the comment of "You had better hope I outlive him, so that you don't have to take care of him." And I didn't even pause before responding.  I told her that she had better hope one of her other kids steps up, because I'm not doing it.  That with how he treats me every day if he says I'm too stupid to have a conversation with, that I'm too stupid to take care of him. I said it very plainly, and sternly, and she just looked at me as if something clicked and she was afraid.  She didn't argue, or respond in any way, and just sat quietly for a moment.  As if in that moment, she realized that her husband is actually abusive, and that I sit and tolerate more than

I like to consider myself pretty low maintenance in the scheme of things.  I don't do any real stuff for my skin, and use cheap soaps and shampoos.  My makeup comes from the drugstore, and I'm not into all sorts of vitamins and meds all the time. And this is where the warning comes up.  This is gonna contain a ton of talk about my cycle and bits.  If you wanna be a weenie, go away. I've been getting my period like clockwork since I was ten.  The only times I've ever not gotten it right on time is either when I was pregnant, or twice because my stress levels were through the roof.  In fact, I got the IUD I currently have (and plan to stick with, but more on that in a minute) because it would not remove my period. However, even though it was regular, and my flow has never been super incredibly heavy, I have also always had absolutely intense pain during my period.  When I was a teenager, and trying to tell my mother about it, she would say she was going to call the

It seems like the end of the year is always really hard for Squishy.  She's now done with school for the year, and the last month or so has been a lot of talking with her about things. There are some girls in her class that would flip flop with day by day.  One day she'd be telling me they were attacking her, lying to everyone about her, and yelling at her on a near daily basis.  Then she comes home and says they were nice and asks me if they can come over. And, I know I can't control who she's friends with.  I can however try to talk to her about what is and isn't healthy behavior in people you keep as friends. She later would tell me about how she would get told off and attacked whenever she didn't want to play the same things as them, and would even do what they wanted for a little bit of time, wanting to compromise, and they would go off on her.  Then, whenever she would ask if someone else in the class wanted to play, these girls would walk up and say

So, I said I would talk more about Zero, and things going on with him that have me rather cranky. I had to be all pride though, cause it's the thing to do. Last time I talked to him, I was trying to make plans for us to hang out, because it's been a while, and he keeps saying he's missed me.  I made a few suggestions of dates that worked with his schedule, and he started saying that he wasn't sure, and might be hanging out with "the girlfriends". To which, I asked if this new girl had flat out said she wanted poly and to date.  He said "Not yet, but just taking it day by day".  Bitch, if you already started calling this person your girlfriend, when she isn't, and hasn't yet said she wants to be, you aren't taking it "day by day".  You're reaching for an ideal situation in your head, and don't want to accept that things might not be that way. We continue talking though, and he fills me in that this girl has a ton

Happy Agender day! As much as this is something that I've actually used to identify me for the shortest time, it's something I've been aware was different about me since I was my daughter's age or younger. That I didn't recognize any sort of difference between people in regards to their gender, but simply found myself getting along better with boys.  Apparently, the gender divide was already there and strong, because other girls had a lot of issues with that, and attacked me over it. As I got older, and started to actually have some personal agency over myself (because my family) I found myself wanting to present more masculine, and of course my family then started to shame on me, and again refuse to let me look the way I wanted.  My father still hates that I keep short hair, but he can blow goats. No real terms for me have ever fit.  In fact, most gendered terms besides pronouns kind of make my brain tweak because they just feel wrong.  Even though I can

Is Polyamory day! I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet. Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves. Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps. Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a resp

It's pride month and shit!  And it just so happens that the days that would apply to me actually match my posting schedule!  Which means the next few posts are going to focus on an aspect of me is meant to be celebrated, because it's weird, and that's cool. Today is Demisexual pride day, and I can clearly say this is something I've been more aware of for the longest time.  The fact that I'm attracted to so few people out there, that for a very long time I had no idea that sexual attraction was actually a thing, and that it was separate from emotional attraction. Because it's something people especially don't talk much about when they're younger (and for reasons I'll probably get to in a post soon) I thought all this was normal.  As I got a little bit older and figured out what the actual difference was, I thought I was just really picky.  Incredibly picky, and awkward. Well, the awkward part is right, but that has nothing to do with it. See,

Lux and I were chatting the other day, and he asked me if I'd seen Berserk.  I actually just watched it recently, so it was all fresh in my head.  Then he asked me if I felt like Griffith was justified. If you don't know, Griffith is the leader of a mercenary group who starts taking on a lot of royal contracts, and gaining status while holding onto a cursed pendant.  At one point, he is captured, and tortured every day for three years.  He then is rescued by the protagonist Guts, and his second in command, Casca.  Shortly after, he sees the budding romance of the two of them, then triggers the Eclipse with his pendant, sacrificing his entire group to a collective of greater demons, in order to become a demon himself.  To top it off, he then rapes Casca in front of Guts, who is barely alive. And, then he sort of helps some people after. Here's the thing.  He's classically pretty in the silver haired bishounen kind of way.  Which means that he honey dicks everyone.

Last weekend with Memorial Day, the beast was gone with the gnome for a while, and I had figured on spending the time cleaning through things that really needed sorting, reading, and catching up on a ton of things that I need to start forcing myself into head first. Well, Lux was just back from a trip to see his family on the island, and wasn't sure when he was headed home.  One morning, he asked what I was up to, and I'm pretty sure my answer didn't matter.  He said he was going to pick me up so I could help him with some things, and we could spend time together. It was a day out of nowhere, and he was pulled in many different directions mentally, but in several ways, almost seemed like he was better put together than he has been in a while.  And honestly, a lot of things are more resolved now than they were a while ago.  So many things that were up in the air have been decided on, and I think it's brought him peace of mind.  He's been much more affectionate ag

Sometimes, I'm reminded that I've learned a lot of things the hard way.  That with the amount of emotional or physical abuse I've dealt with, I do have a lot of typical traits that occur, but I've also picked up a lot of good from it.  I take the time to heal, and look at it all, and realize what is and isn't healthy or acceptable. Recently, I've realized a few things. That whole learning process is a very rare thing. Without dealing with all that shit in the past, I didn't have those poor examples to look at, a lot of people I know just avoid confrontation and full healthy interaction.  They grow complacent, and figure that things don't need real work, or know how to speak of their own needs, because they've never really examined them.  I wouldn't have the mental pressure on myself to be a decent and present partner. And likewise, after dealing with everything, and then taking the time to examine, I learned exactly what is toxic behavior

I realized the other day that with the exception of little bits of dopey giggles, it's been months since I've had any sort of kink in my life.  That I grew complacent with it being absent from my life, and while I felt the occasional twinge for it, I found myself blaming my poor mental space for it, and dismissed it. What I didn't do, was acknowledge how much kink helps me in the day to day.  How much it does give me peace of mind, and makes me function better in the day to day.  Kink and play boosts my mood, and all those wonderful bonding chemicals in my brain. Unfortunately, my mental state is such that Fusion isn't an option for me.  I can't do any event that large essentially by myself, because for the most part, I will be.  That would have been a good opportunity for me to have play time, but there is too much else that it wouldn't do me much positive in the scheme of things. I'm going to make it a point to start forcing myself to do more with my

I know I said I was going to try and post less negative stuff this year, but holy hell, life saw that post and has been doing everything it can against that. I've been consistently in one of the shittiest mindspaces I've ever been in.  Things at home consistently get worse, I've been stood up or dropped more times than I can count, and had more things be cancelled, pulled from me, or simply made no longer an option. I'm feeling alone.  Alone and in constantly growing pile of shit that pulls me further and further from hope and happiness.  I absolutely notice a pile of key symptoms of depression in me, and they're all here and screaming. A lot of things need to change even with so much stacked against me.

Lately, Zero has been coming to me a lot with issues about poly stuff. Mind you, he still hasn't actually been in a poly dynamic, but is striving for it. And, I'm finding that he's becoming more reclusive, and at the same time just hunting for a third.  Like, giving people job requirements when meeting them of "This is the only role I'm looking for to have someone fill in my life right now" And I looked at everything he was saying, and the issues he's having, and confronted him about them. He wants a local support network.  People close by that he can confide in, and spend time with.  Well, I might think he needs to get rid of his current partner, because that relationship is toxic, and the things he says he wants he refuses to give to his current partner because he doesn't feel happy around her, but maybe meeting more people will help with that. I told him though, that he doesn't need a romantic partner to create a support network.  Some

It's Mother's Day again.  And I have to say, that since becoming a mom, I've had this day go from being absolute shit, to apathy over it, and now like all other holidays, feeling ignored. It's a day when I have no voice, and am actively disregarded for no reason.  A day when I've been the target of abuse when others have fucked up.   A day when I'm told I should be acknowledged, but then told that other people who are toxic as meant to be celebrated, and given whatever they want. And so, it's become a day that I've come to actively hate.  A day where it just reinforces that everyone here looks at me like I'm not a person.  And I'm tired of it. Because I am a person.  And I'm a mom because I was forced to be, and a damned caring one, that fights tooth and nail to teach and raise my daughter right.  I am worth celebrating, and I'm glad at least my kid knows that.

On Sunday morning, I was the first one out of bed.  I shambled my way down the stairs, and started the coffee.  As I sat down, with my warm mug of happy comfort, I took a few sips, and my mom shambled down as well, looked at me, and asked if I wanted to go to the flea market in search of produce. The year round farmers market we would normal hit up is currently closed, so it's been hard to find decent produce, but the weekend prior we went to a further flea market, and found so much we stopped when we literally couldn't carry any more. We went to one closer, which I've known had turned into a shit pile, but she insisted anyway.  As we walked from the parking lot, to find the fruits and veggies we hunted for, I found myself being the target of near constant comments.  People in near consistence either saying that I deserve an award for looking so much like a freak, about how fucked up my clothing was, or at the same time making passes in incredibly disrespectful ways.

I've been trying to actually do more to pursue getting into better shape.  Of course, it's all hard to actually do here, as I fight for healthy foods, and then see only meat and potatoes in my fridge.  I'm trying to make the most of the little things in the house, and create small adjustments to eat better, and feel better. It's much harder to do this time around, than when I lost all the weight after Squishy.  I've cut out most sugars comparatively, and don't drink many calories, as well as limit processed foods to a minimum.  What worked the first time still exists, so the only place to really go from here isn't much of an option in my current situation. And there isn't much advice out there for people in my situation.  Apparently the average person lives off fast food, never exercises, and chugs soda and frilly coffee drinks.  Obviously making changes from that will cause massive differences.  There isn't much out there for people who already

Lux and I were having a conversation in a diner about a handful of things while I was up there, prior to some grocery shopping that needed to get done.  It was a few really important things we needed to go over, on several topics, and then apparently I reminded him of something that he often forgets about. When we go out places, I'm usually with someone.  I very rarely walk anywhere at night by myself, even though Lux encourages me to go out by myself if he decides to stay in when we go out to something on the larger side. He forgets though, that as someone small, and female bodied, who is pretty blatantly sex positive, and while I intimidate women, a lot of men who don't shy away from me tend to look at me like an easy target.  In fact, there have been very few venues I've gone to where at some point someone didn't try to go further than I was comfortable. And Lux knows that I'm not an easy target, because I'm going to keep anything I don't want happe