A New Devious Chapter

I've had a few reminders over the last few days of how I react to high protocol, and strict power exchange situations.  Not that I have any innate problem with them, but more that I learn how little I fit into it. High protocol situations make me want to grab someone, make popcorn, and sit to the side snarking away like Statler and Waldorf.  That if someone were to expect me to act with all the rules and ritual and hierarchy around others that gets used, I'd just pull out every bit of sass possible, then go hug Lux, because while he's the domly dom, there isn't a thing in the world that will tell me I'm lower than anyone else, or should be treated that way. Even just with regular power exchange, I'm loud.  I speak up, and don't look for tasks or stereotypical gestures.  I let my needs and wants be heard, no matter what might be the more ideal behavior.  I however, do my damnedest to take care of any domly person I have, and when the chips are down, they&

The last week, while not bad, has had a lot going on. Everyone who I had started to make plans with had flaked on me, either by simply falling off the face of the earth, or cancelling with excuses (to which I saw them making plans elsewhere).  It meant being stuck home in the rain, which while not horrible, could have been better.  Instead, it meant I could be present for many people who needed it, wherever they were, which is also good. Squishy also goes back to school in a couple days.  The last week has been spent getting her sleep schedule sorted out, and taking care of all the little school things so the first day goes smoothly.  As much as the summer allows me to take longer trips, I enjoy the routine of knowing I have time for what I need to do during the school year. I've also had a few things I need to cancel on myself, or get scheduled and sorted out for a multitude of reasons. There's a lot going on, and in some ways, the changes are things I would prefer not

It's been about a month since taking out my nipple jewelry, and since also having a trip to see Lux, I figured it's a good time to mark the progress on them. I still miss them.  It's weird not seeing them, or having them.  At times, I find that I feel sad not having them still.  Even now, in the evening, I notice myself caught in the muscle memory of going to clean them. However, I haven't had the slightest bit of pain since the day I removed them.  Only while up with Lux, which was also when I happened to be in the middle of my cycle, and meant a hormonal flux, did I see a tiny bit of lymph.  Lux even took advantage of many chances to go after my chest in ways he has never really been able to, remembering to ask how they were doing afterward, and I had no problems. They still don't go flat though, which is upsetting, but it looks like if I were to put a taper through, I wouldn't have any problem.  I suppose they still have more healing to go through than

While spending the week with Lux, I felt a massive recharge in a ton of ways.  Being social helped, and away from the house, and getting to touch on a bunch of projects, as well as helping Lux out around the apartment and all. But, the biggest of all was just little gestures from other people.  And it didn't really matter who.  Just little unprompted things outside of the routine.   While at Shelter, Blue would occasionally give me hugs when he walked past, and even though I was a bit worn down from the day, and awkward as hell from not knowing many people, it made me feel a lot better than I was able to express. Then going back north, and over the course of the week, Lux was significantly more affectionate than normal, and even the smallest things made me feel better for a day or afterward. It goes to show how little I actually need at this point to feel affirmed, and that I've apparently been starved for affection with everything happening lately. But in th

Last weekend was long, and certainly a roller coaster overall. It started with me having to pull a knife on a guy who tried to get handsy with me on the train, and having to rely on Lux knowing what I would do in a shitty situation in order for us to meet up. We then found out we were running late, and had to bust ass upon meeting Blue, heading over the the Bomb Shelter venue to set up the rigs and lights and all.  On the bright side, I now know how to put together all of Blue's suspension rigs, which means I can help with more in the future. Lux was part of a rope performance, and everyone who wasn't actively in a scene made sure to watch.  He wound up with some rope burn, but looked fantastic the entire time, and I got to enjoy how good his butt looks when he is in an inversion. I had asked Blue near the end of the night if he wanted to put me up, asking if he was up for stupid time, which is the sort of special way we refer to rope.  He still had one more scene to go

Last night, Lux and I got to go to a play party with some of our friends. And, it means getting to play again, for both of us.  He wants to pursue more play partners finally, playing with me again, and in general. With the long break from it, I've noticed my mind distancing itself from it, which only tells me that I need it more. I've been trying to balance out and reset and take care of myself in so many ways.  I need play lately, both for the fun time with people, and the chance to just clear my head of everything and start at a level ground, using the endorphins to sit in a better space. I need to remember how good regular play is for me. That paying attention to the play I want helps me immensely. And, seeing that Lux wants to pursue it as well is fantastic.  It shows he's trying to get back to a more comfortable him, and means he'll hopefully be in a better space soon, and that we'll maybe make progress back to where we were as well. We both need to

I very nearly had to walk in and give my father a reality check the other day. I was sitting in the living room reading, and heard him getting louder, of course needing to show my mom everything he scrolled through on social media, and talk about how everyone is stupid and wrong.  This time he was showing her a picture of a girl with tattoos. He says "You have all these beautiful girls, and they force you to try and see past these tattoos.  They're just a fad right now, and people don't understand that when they get older, it won't be a fad anymore, and then they'll just be ugly." My mother responds with "They don't know it isn't attractive.  I see all these people come in with things that get pierced, and then they get infected and they wind up with issues from it." And oh, did I want to walk in there.  To storm in like a fucking hurricane.  To explain that these girls are beautiful.  Full fucking stop.  They are beautiful because th

I've been having more projects to manage lately.  Things to do and make and manage and get through.  It's helping my mental state a lot. Working out has been difficult this summer, but with school starting soon, and a trip to see Lux, it should be a good time to really reset things and start with more preferred habits. It's amazing, how just the act of having a physical project and something to make can help me feel better.  Even something as massive as what I'm currently making, which happens to kill my hands in the process. I'm packing up a few things to work on and play with during my trip, and I'm feeling myself be a bit more inspired and motivated.  I'm still feeling very drained due to lack of social stimulation (again, not for lack of trying) but not finding myself overthinking and going into depressive spirals regularly like I was.  I feel like I can be around people, and want to be going and doing things for the act of recharging. And hopefu

I'm the kind of person who believes that I should always be able to look back at who I was at any point in my life, and think I was an idiot compared to what I know in the present.  Not to say that I'm a genius now, but that I have learned so much, and become even more myself over time. And lately, I've been thinking about how my surroundings have affected that, in many good ways. I've noticed that I have the broadest span of people out of my family.  I know people all over, and touch on many different circles and hobbies and groups. My siblings tend to think a lot like my parents.  They have a lot of the same abusive tendencies, and gaslight, and have no idea what healthy relationships are.  They also have a lot of very racist and bigoted habits and views. And, I know I started there at one point.  I can think of a lot of points in time when I held views similar to them just because I wasn't taught that anything could be otherwise.  I've had to learn ho

While Lux and I aren't at Pennsic this year, and I'm still not able to make it to Summer Camp this month, I still seem to be just as busy. The biggest thing is that my brother is moving back from North Carolina.  He and his abusive girlfriend had been looking for a house up here for a while, and they found one about a month ago, and a couple weeks later, they got an offer on the one down south.  Things went from a crawl, to planning a move in a month and a half, and they'll be officially back up here at the end of the month.  I saw the property earlier this week, and it's exactly what he has wanted since he was a kid.  Tons of land to turn into an offroad track, far off the street so he can't be bothered, a barn to turn into a shop, as well as a full basement.  He's even already planning on taking Squishy for overnights.  I think he'll be happy up here once he gets settled in to house a bit more. Later this month I'm headed up to Lux's for a week

When I was sixteen, I remember sitting at the computer, and deciding that at some point, I wanted a body piercing.  Because it was me, I then went about researching different piercings to see exactly what I wanted done.  Most of the piercings out there looked at the time rather unappealing to me, but I really enjoyed the way pierced nipples looked.  I loved them, and decided that I would at some point have it done. Well, then I was dating the gnome, who, along with any other form of self expression I wanted, tried to fight against me ever having the piercing done. Then, on April 21st of 2011, I decided to go and have them done.  It was a gift to myself for finally getting rid of the gnome, and gaining new independence and sense of self. I unfortunately had also already started playing with Thrax. Well, he decided that these piercings were something that he didn't need to care about.  He pressured me to stretch them faster than they should be, and if I went to stretch them w

I've been seeing a ton of stuff all over about how women are avoiding lines on their faces, and winding up with any signs of aging, or marks on their faces. That these lines are frowned upon, because skin should be perfectly smooth without any signs of anything. And, maybe it's me being more masculine, but unlike most of my body, I have no problem with the lines on my face.  In fact, I'm kind of proud of all of them. My smile lines mean I've laughed, and found happiness in things despite how my life has been. The lines starting to form near my eyes don't mean I've scowled, but that I've smiled with my entire face, in a way that couldn't be mistaken. Even the lines in my forehead, are because I fought.  I fought for respect, and to be treated like a person, and these lines show me that I refuse to back down. I'm reminded of who I am by the lines that have formed on my face, and what I've stood up through, and what I've done. And

Lux came by the night before my birthday, because we hadn't seen each other in so long.  We didn't get to go out, but at least got a couple hours to hang out and snuggle, which we both needed. It also meant I got to give him his birthday present, which was a heavy as hell flogger with monkey fists at the end of each fall.  He'd mentioned wanting one in the past, and so I of course put way more thought than necessary into every step, and it wound up with a ton of detail. And, being me, and not doing nearly as many projects as normal because of my mental state, was beyond overly critical about it.  He loved it though.  He kept checking it out, and thanking me, and saying he was going to kill people with it. It reminded me of how I function so much better when I'm making something.  That I'm someone who feels fulfilled with creating, and having projects to look forward to. I'm a builder, and a creator, and someone who needs to be constantly learning and exp

It's my birthday! I've spoken on here a few times before about how I usually dislike my birthday.  That things tend to explode, and I wind up just being upset and alone.  Like with other things, I wind up being forgotten. This year, I made the decision to hide my birth date on all social media.  While I'd done this as a social experiment in the past, which proved positive to my thoughts, this time it's a bit different. I dislike the idea of social obligation and going through the motions.  I enjoy things to be real, and honest.  I often don't do a lot of things that might be expected of me with certain people because it's more social obligation, and because it isn't completely heartfelt, I skip out, and it puts me in worse graces of some. But, I've gotten old enough that I don't give a shit about everyone liking me.  I'm far too strong a personality, and rarely censor myself, and that's going to put off a lot of people.  I however wil

So, this person who was projecting the other day.  What was he projecting about you may have asked? Well, he's been consistently saying lately that he doesn't feel like he is represented anywhere, and that he has no specific place that he fits into and belongs.  That he feels like an outlier. And I think that was why he was trying to claw for something.  He wanted to cling to an idea that he could relate to, that it would give him something he held in common. But, you'd think that he would have looked at me, and realized that he was talking to the wrong person in that moment. I can't actually remember a time at which I was around incredibly similar people.  My friends are generally of a different gender.  Any nerdy circles I go into often don't share my other hobbies.  My taste in media is often odd. I'm a weirdo, and that's never been something that bothered me. I don't look for a circle to fit into.  I look for singular people to bring into

I had an exchange with someone the other day, where simply poking fun, and a single comment spurned a spiral of butthurt that I couldn't comment on there any longer because I knew it wouldn't be heard. However, I knew a good chunk of it was mistargetted projecting, and I very nearly flipped. This person, who I will admit is of a minority, happened to say that I didn't know about under-representation or toxicity in the geek community. Let that sink in. Give it a minute. Read it over again. He told an Agender female bodied person who attends events and hobbies solo that they don't understand toxicity in geek culture. Because, when I was a young teen, there were tons of girls playing magic who didn't just do so because their boyfriend did.  That I was spoken to as though I knew the game, and that people didn't just think they could take advantage of me.  That my consistently goth and masculine preference was absolutely accepted by everyone. And that

I've noticed the term "Queer" becoming a catch-all for most people who fall into non-hetero or non-cis folks.  And I know that for a long time it was considered a slur, and this is sort of the phase of taking it back, and giving the term a more positive presence.  It's increasingly common amongst a lot of people I know as a way of explaining orientations, and I just can't get used to it. I don't remember myself ever using it as an insult in any way, but I did say queer by its literal definition as being strange or abnormal.  It was definitely a part of my long goth phase where I wanted to sound poetic and cool.  Then I just became a goth that didn't give a fuck. Anyway, even though time has passed, it still takes the same place in my head, and now, that's very conflicting. You have people claiming to say that there is no normal in terms of sexuality and gender, and heteronormativity is something to be fought against so they can be acknowledged as

To start this off, I need to explain a couple small things in order to get even more humor from this.   My sister and I both have broad shoulders, and small breasts.  Boobs never really appeared for us, and even through my pregnancy, I simply actually fit into the B-cup bras that I'd only had because my mother refused to accept that I was actually an A-cup.  My mother on the other hand, has ginormous boobs, and has often spoken of her disbelief of my chest size.  To mess with her further, I often point out while finding clothes for squishy, that bras my size can be found in the children's section. Anyway, on to the silliness. Apparently, while squishy was gone, my mother had bought her training bras, because I don't know why.  The evening after she got home, she was laying with me as we watched something nerdy, and ma was trying to get her away to be up her butt and get her ready for bed. Ma got Squishy into her room by asking if she'd seen the new things

I looked down at the date on Tuesday, while having a particularly difficult day for a ton of reasons, and realized that it was four years to the day since Thrax and I broke up.  I mentioned it to Lux, and that I should do something he would have hated.  He jokingly just said "Yea, forget about him."  And while yes, it's best not to dwell on the past, and it's not like I went out of my way to remember it, or had even thought about it before that moment, it's not the best thing to completely forget. I don't think back on him fondly.  I don't think about it and blame myself.  I think about it, and remember the things he did.  How often he lied, or kept secrets, or tried to manipulate me, gaslight me, and use me to do whatever he wanted with disregard for myself. I try not to fixate on it, but I do think about it and feel glad that it's been gone from my life.  That I keep it in mind so I never do deal with it again.  It's something to acknowledg

Right now, a ton of vidja games are on sale, and so this week has had a super dopey thing going on, but it's kind of funny in its own way. I decided it was a good time to pick up some new games for myself, as they are really cheap, and my wish list was piling up.  I had a gift card I'd use to get a couple little things for myself, and something for Lux and I to play together. Well, I asked him which of two games he'd rather play with me, having told him about them both in the past, and that we would probably have a lot of fun with them.  Instead of getting a response, he buys me both, with a note saying he was sorry for being a dick lately.  Well, not only was he not being a dick lately, but now I needed to figure out what to get all over again.  I had wanted to be nice, and not make him buy games for once, and he did it anyway.  Which in ways was irritating, and cute, but still a little disheartening because I had wanted to be the one to pick things up for a change.