A New Devious Chapter

It's another new year, and a good thing for it.  The last year has been hard for me, in a lot of ways.  I didn't do a lot of what I had wanted to, and it took my mental state which was already poor, and made it even worse. So this year, I want to focus on a lot of the things that make me happy. Learn to make things I enjoy that I don't have recipes for yet. Finish the coloring books I wanted to publish last year, and figure out a way to show more of my art to the world. Dance more, both publicly and in spare time. Spend time with the people I care about. Adventure more Find a way to feel healthy again, both physically and mentally We're also currently looking for a dog, which has me very excited.  I'm being very stern with myself to keep to the things we need out of it, while looking for the pup that chooses us as its family. I want this year to go well, and I want it to be far more positive.

Unsurprisingly, while Lux was streaming the other day, I was sending fun little things to him and our friends. At one point, in the middle of the raid they were on, while dying a few times, I sent a snarky thing to Lux.  When he found it, he made sure to tell everyone he was playing with, obviously just seeing it as our normal routine of behaviors, and treating it that way. Not having as much knowledge of us together, one of them comments "Is there some way you can punish and correct that behavior?  I'm sure between all of us, we could help bounce ideas and figure something out." Lux is quiet, as everyone giggles over both my comment, and in agreement of the correction. Meanwhile, far away from any microphones, I am laughing so hard my face hurts.  Something they'd probably all see as defiantly bratty, confident in the fact that people don't stop me from being me, and that includes my snarky troublemaking behavior. It was a small moment that act

Sometimes, Lux streams himself playing video games with his friends.  I get to giggle at silly things, sometimes help, and enjoy seeing and hearing from people. He always tells them, just in case someone pops onto the stream that we don't know, so they can censor any personal stuff.  Usually though, I'm the only one watching, and he tells them.  And in the cloud of folks saying hi, if there is someone new, I will hear a "What's a [Loki]?" And, last time, one of our friends just said "It's complicated" Lux was quick to correct him, but rather than letting Lux get to explaining, or simply asking for a title we use, said that. But, it's really only complicated if you only want to use titles that wouldn't apply.  There are many things that would work at this point and be perfectly acceptable. Long term partner Primary partner Submissive Best Friend All things that would work, but just don't hold stereotypical romantic relations

In the week of everything blowing up, my mom got a call from her brother for Channukah.  They caught up for a bit, and during that talk, he told her that he'd volunteered our house for a birthday party in April for both him and his twin brother.  Y'know, the physically abusive one, that I'd been promised I would never see again. You'd think given the promises made to me, and wanting to actually protect your own kid, my mom would have told him that my one uncle isn't welcome. You'd think. When I was told this, I brought that up.  My mother's response was simply "Well they decided." So, because they volunteered our house, and us to throw them a party, it doesn't matter that they're abusive apparently. I told her that I would find a way to be absent as soon as I found out the dates. She threw a huff, and said that Squishy was staying so she could see the one decent uncle. Except, I spoke to Squishy, and she repeated

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my pseudo nephew here, but know I've mentioned his parents.  His father was my brother's best friend literally since I was born, and his girlfriend has been around for over a decade. Their son, Red, is a couple years younger than Squishy, only being in first grade where she is in third. And, in the just over a year he's been in school, he's assaulted at least four kids.  Not just a small shove either.  The last one he smashed another kid's head into a bench. He's continually attacked Squishy, and destroyed her things, lying to us repeatedly about it afterward when we'd either seen it happen or his reasoning were things we knew couldn't happen. Some of their friends no longer allow their kids near him, because he attacks them so often. And you know what her response is? "Well, he's just a boy.  He's just like his dad.  He isn't violent at all." Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

With everything going on lately, I'm reminded of how careful we all need to be.  That no matter what side of what we're doing, there's a risk with every person we involve. And while there is a little more to worry about as a bottom, since it adds in the physical risk, so many things are shared. Both parties need to be responsive in the moment.  They need to be honest, and receptive, and unafraid to speak up at any point.  Limits need to be respected for everyone, and any aftercare necessary needs to happen, with both parties responsible for it. What's also important though, is honesty and clarity afterward.  I find that many bottoms want to look tough in the moment, and then cry out after.  The problem with this is that you never know which one is the truth. I'm reminded of the time someone accused Lux of beating them beyond their limit and walking away.  An accusation made of an event I was in the room for, which was an absolute lie, to the point where we b

This last week has been a whirlwind for people in my life, and it has me worrying about so many. Zero discovered that the girl I expressed to him my dislike was manipulating him, taking his money, and using him to feed her drug addiction. Kitty is stretched beyond his spoons, making excuses, and feeling battered in his own home. I have friends being attacked on all sides, in life changing ways, over what was likely some dumb mistakes being taken far out of proportion. Lux is still dealing with family insanity. And all I want to do is have physical presence for all of them.  Be with them, hold a calm environment, and help however I can.  Talk things out to death, reassure them, provide comfort and support, and remind them all that sometimes they're dumb boys with good intentions that simply want to see the best in people.  They're good boys, but there's too much crazy elsewhere in the world for them to keep their intentions sometimes.

Kitty and I have a very long-standing relationship, even if it's taken many forms throughout the years.  Changing needs, and spoons, and lives and events which have made us become who we are, both separately and together. And, unfortunately, it's caused me to become even more of his voice of reason and calm than I have been for a long time.  Constantly reminding him that he needs to worry about and take care of him.  What's more though, reminding him that he can express things to me, always, and will never be without my care and presence.   He's been rather poor at keeping present lately.  Just not enough time and energy to put toward anything.  It sucks, I'll fully admit, but it happens.  He's aware of it though, and does want that to change.  What's worse though, is that because of this, he doesn't think he deserves any sort of presence during this time.  That he's only kept around because his lack of presence makes them feel like a better p

Years ago, I was talking to Squishy about friends of mine, and how they married, and both female.  She questioned it for a second, and when I simply said that people can marry whoever they choose to, and for whatever reason, she accepted it without any question. I remember her friends coming over, and not believing her when she would say it.  Saying that it couldn't possibly be true, while my daughter just simply agreed that people should be able to love and marry whoever they choose. Sure, it's a good thing, and speaks volumes for how we often hold the beliefs we are told to have early in life, but that isn't what this is about. This is about something a lot funnier. I'm talking with Squishy the other day, and mentioned a friend of mine, and then that turned into her asking if I had a boyfriend, and then asking if I had a secret boyfriend, and then asking if I had a girlfriend. And upon that, instead of the "No" I gave the other two, I said "Na

Lux just left from a visit.  The first time he's been here since the clusterfuck that happened a couple months ago.  While it wasn't the weekend we had planned, due to timetables changing, it was still good time for us. Rather than focus on a lot of the goings on, we just kept it to time together, talking about the future, and things we want to do, and normal conversation.  Definitely something that felt more like recharging and simply enjoying, rather than needing to go through the process of catching up or obligation.  Lots of affection and appreciation and just being thankful for the other. He also liked the present I made him, which was super nerdy and only he and his super nerdy friends will get. The next while is going to be really difficult to find time to actually be with each other, and while that does suck a lot, and I already miss him, we'll manage through this like everything else. For now, we just enjoy what we have.

Something crazy has happened.  Something unheard of for this time of year. For a couple of days, I'm caught up on everything.  As in, there's no holiday prep to do right now, no schlepping to manage, and no gifts to make.  I started early, and so I'm caught up on just about all of it. It's a strange feeling to be sure, and almost makes me more anxious that I don't have a thousand things to do at every moment. It also makes me crave time with people even more though.  Not knowing when I'll see them again, and now having space when I'm not running, and could be getting in quality time recharging with them.  It makes me feel like a big awkward jumble, and almost impatient to get moving again just so I don't have to miss them so much. This time of year is such a strange thing for my mind.

I read a lot of things about poly, and hear a lot of arguments for it that give the reasoning of one person not being able to be everything a person needs.  That they need another person to fill in the gaps, and this should just be considered normal. Except, I feel like that cultivates a negative space.  It means telling someone they aren't enough every day.  It encourages a competitive environment in hopes that you'll become the more tended to partner by being more appealing than the other.  It creates a space where we look at things as needs, which may just be surface desires.  And it makes us look at people more as a checklist than as people. I have the same needs for every partner I have, regardless of their space in my life.  Those needs are things like presence, acceptance of who I am, respect, and conversation.  They are all pretty basic, and that's because I need that to be fulfilled more than most other things.  There's never a gap to fill, and I think th

I will now take advantage of the fact that my posting schedule means I will always have something appear on Thanksgiving. This year, I'm particularly grateful for only a couple things in my life, but they're pretty big ones. I'm thankful for having people who stay around.  The vast majority of the people in my life have been there for a long time, even if they aren't constantly present.  They're people who know who I am, and what that entails.  Knowing they've been around a long time and still haven't disappeared gives me feelings of support, and that's the best ever. I'm also thankful for my sense of inspiration and desire for growth and progress.  I've seen myself be able to do a lot of things I couldn't, or wouldn't even touch a year ago.  I see myself becoming more comfortable and content with some things, all in positive ways. While this year was hard on my mental state, and there wasn't much good overall, I'm finding

It has to be something with the seasons, but I've noticed that especially with so many people becoming busy with the holidays, I'm craving presence.  Rather than wanting to simply be out among groups and wanting to be social, I feel like I need to be with the people I care about most, and have more time together to take care of them, or snuggle up.  I'm not even craving force in play, but rather the affirmation of power exchange and affection. I think that part of this is also just the long time I've had apart from so many of the people I can actually be affectionate with.  The ones I can just relax around, and feel inspired and relaxed and like I can recharge however I need. Hopefully with the holidays I'll be able to spend more time with them soon. In the meantime, I'll find self-affirmation in the things I'm learning over the next few weeks.

We've officially moved into the mass of holiday prep.  The other day I was going through my project lists, and massively time consuming things that need to happen in the next few weeks.  And, it's the time of year when I barely have time to breathe. Well, I was working on a bunch of things that I had needed to get more done with, but now that gets put aside again.  Not because of my mental space though, but because I have so many things to do on a deadline that it has to move to the backburner.  That alone makes me feel a little better about it. This year is really pushing me in a few ways.  I'm trying a completely new medium, which is going pretty well.  I'm also attempting some new techniques with other mediums, and just making up patterns as I go along.  It's the sort of year where I'm really feeling like I'm rather adept with things.  It's also fun to actually make things up just from a flat picture rather than follow a pattern. It's also t

Almost as though it's being shoved in my face to show my own progress, I've seen so many cases of people being insecure lately, and noticing how normal that is. A few cases were the after effects of abuse causing people to be overly paranoid, or constantly placing blame on themselves.  Some were simply being afraid of voicing their own needs, or feeling like they were wrong for having them.  Even more were being told they felt they had to ignore their own limits, and learn to do things they didn't enjoy to get the attention that other partners did.  And occasionally to the point of being shamed for not simply blindly obeying alongside other parts of a dynamic. I look at these, and first I feel badly for those people for being in those situations and mindsets.  Then, I realize how much more secure I am in being me, and knowing that I am justified in what I need.   There was too much of my life where I wasn't secure, and it was because of the shitty treatment o

I had a friend over last weekend, who is going through a breakup, and realizing her needs and such in the process.  It's insane, to see so much of my past in another relationship, and that imbalance and disregard of needs. Over the last couple years, I've had so much concern for my partners.  For their lives, and safety, and taking care of them how I can.  I've also had to keep track of my own bandwidth of being able to balance them both.  Something frequently in my thoughts, and that I take great care with. And the number of people I see that don't do that astounds me.  The people who simply throw attention where they want.  And how people make excuses for that, and encourage that behavior, will never solve the problem. I've realized a lot of things about myself over the last weekend, and how far I've come.  I've also realized how far from the norm I am, and that I am not the kind of person most would be able to deal with in any sort of dynamic. T

I finished a massive project about a week ago. Like, lace tablecloth size project. And I feel like it helped kick me in the ass to want to work on more things. I have a few things I want to get to, but I also have projects that got put down earlier in the year.  Things I had a lot of drive for before I wound up in such a shitty rut for a good while. And while I may have first said I would pick them back up in the beginning of the year, now that I'm through a small pile of projects, I feel like I should just do it now.  Tackle what I can and see what I can get through. I need to cultivate more creativity in my life.  I need to create more in order to feel more inspired, and that will make me feel better and more motivated overall.

I've managed that even though lots of things are going on, to keep social lately, and it's helping me.  Last weekend I spent some time with a friend who I hadn't seen in about a year, and I have plans for this coming weekend as well. It was nice to see a friend though, even if it seemed very confusing on more than one occasion. When I saw him last year, he was just barely fresh into a new relationship.  And a full shift in lifestyle with this person.  For his entire life, he'd had open, and kink positive relationships.  He's spent a year though in a monogamous, vanilla relationship, with someone who is incredibly sexually insecure, passive, and limiting. He goes from one breath saying that she's "the one" and going to be his forever, and then in the next breath saying he can't stand his sex life, and that it's taking a toll on his everyday life beyond where he can deal with. Why is it that so many people share this to me, and I have t

The other day I was puttering about twitter, and hopped on a hashtag to say that people should be treated with respect.  I said this because far too many times the day before, I felt like I wasn't treated with basic human decency, even though I know I deserve it. Well, someone who apparently thought they could get a feeling of superiority from me tried to tell me that people in general are not deserving of respect. Mind you, other people in this tag posted about things like having a right to kisses and shit.  He wanted to go on a power trip. He picked the wrong person. Continually, he tried to put words in my mouth, hoping I'd get angry and make a mistake.  At one point even said that the fear of jail is what keeps him from violating consent, or simply that he was "raised by women" not simply that he believes violating consent is wrong, y'know, because he respects people.  Only because it's a crime. Oh yea, this guy had no idea what he was getting in