A New Devious Chapter

Since I was in about middle school I suppose, and my mom could no longer control what I wore as much, I have been more drawn to men's clothing.  Being more masculine, and my body dysmorphia really starting to kick in had me wearing clothes to hide myself, and really embrace the more goth industrial style that I still haven't given up.   As a bit more time went on, I found myself more drawn to feeling tailored and put together.  By the middle of high school, I was wearing some semblance of a suit almost every day.  Still with goth touches, but opting for vests, waistcoats, and blazers.  I did what I could to look well put together, but still have a very unique style. The difficult part of this was that I couldn't shop in the men's sections.  With the curves I have, women's clothing rarely fit me properly, let alone the square cuts of masculine clothing.   Then, after having squishy, before I had even gotten down to my pre-pregnancy size, the gnome lost everythi

This week, I've been focusing on all the things that have fallen to the side which I know are killing my mindspace.  Trying to contact people, and keep up conversations.  Making plans, and doing things.  I've been diving into what art I can, and books as well.  Making myself stay active. All things that I know help me function and keep from wanting to curl up in a ball the way I was. I need to keep kicking myself in the ass to make all these things habit again.  I can't let them fall aside like they were.

Since the weather has been nicer lately, especially for being knee deep in winter, we all decided it would be a good idea to get Oliver's pass for the dog parks in the area early in the year.  This way we could utilize nice days with letting him run about off leash, meet other dogs, and be social. Except not when it's rainy because he wants nothing to do with even the slightest drizzle. Anyway, while on the way to pick up his pass, just heading down some back roads, the idea pops into my head of finding some boy to choke. Unprompted, and out of nowhere, I found my sadist perking up with a vengeance.  The intense craving to find a nice sweet boy, pin him to the wall by his throat, and beat the shit out of him.  The weirdest part is that it wasn't only a nonsexual craving, which is very uncommon for me.  Normally all of my topping, and most of my play in general is incredibly nonsexual. That might be because of the long dry spells I've been having. Either way, i

There's a new game coming out in a week or so.  One I had heard about, and initially, I had actually sent over to Lux because it sounded funny.  It's a game about trying to pick up women, and I thought it would be a full comedy type thing similar to the old Leisure Suit Larry games which I have loved for far longer than would probably be appropriate. However, then I found out the creator is making this as a serious advice tool, and has written books, and teaches workshops on pick up artistry. As a side note, because my view on this is probably obvious, I tweeted about how this will likely have a poor effect on gamer culture as a whole, and push away female gamers and nerds even more than they already are.  The creator of the game liked my tweet.  Pretty sure he's too dumb to realize what his game is going to do. Back on topic, I saw footage of the first four levels of the game.  And rather than finding it funny, I just found it more and more infuriating.  It tries to

I'm reminded fairly often, but even more this week how my appearance affects how I will exist as a dancer. I often see pictures of a dancer who started shortly after I began learning.  Her teacher wasn't certified with anyone, and had poor technique.  They had a small vocabulary, and every set they do is repetitive, and sloppily executed.  Over time, her technique has stayed in a way where she tries more to look sexy than show skill, and winds up looking like she's throwing her body around. She however has long blond hair, and big tits, and looks like a stereotypical american cabaret dancer. Meanwhile, I work my ass off to keep up strong technique, understanding of moves, and as broad a spectrum of styles and variations as possible.  I know my body will only do what I want it to do, without having the throw other parts of my body to make those moves look bigger.  I dance not to look sexy, but as self expression. And because I do that, with small tits, a mohawk, and

Recently, the game Catherine has been stuck in my head.  It's something that covers the idea of relationships in modern Japanese culture, communication, and morality. The game flat out asks your opinion at regular intervals on various subjects pertaining to relationships. And, I find that it becomes really hard to figure out how I would answer these questions, because they very much bank on the idea of monogamy.  That textbook cookie cutter relationship idea that is the standard in Japan. Even as a nerd, I have difficulties due to non-monogamy. Luckily, the game is being remade, and set to come out in the next year or so.  Maybe then it'll have more aspects of polyamoury in it, which I think will even add further complexities to the game overall. Either that or from now on I just need to tell everyone to fuck off in the game, because they're honestly all lying bitches. Yup, that sounds like the best idea. No bitches trying to corner me into what they want by l

I made the mistake of looking at an article on the internet. It talked about all the things that should happen in a healthy relationship, and, I found it angered me more than anything.  It made claims that were so unrealistic, I knew it would do more harm than good to the world. It talked about how when you have the right partner, there is no work, and you never disagree.  That you never get nervous or second guess yourself. All relationships take work.  Every single one of them.  Constant work, through good times, and through bad.  And in those bad times, while we process things, it's normal to worry about your partner and how they're doing, or what you can do to help.  It's going to be harder than others at some points, but it's never effortless. Not only that, but no two people are exactly the same in every way.  There's going to be some things people disagree on.  That's what makes us all unique and dynamic beings.  Looking at it and being open to di

Lux came down last weekend so we could have time together before he gets sent off for work again.  We hadn't seen each other in almost two months, and we didn't want to add at least another month to that. Needless to say, he and the pup got along well, and they snuggled a ton.  In fact, when he went to leave, Oliver tried to sit on his feet to keep him here.  They were adorable. We had a ton of stuff we wanted to do and talk about and all that.  Things to discuss for the year, and start plotting.  Of course, we did none of that.  We snuggled, and babbled, and took time to just not be doing.  Because in a way, that was what we needed. And I noticed, just how bad my mental space is.  I was with someone who brings me so much happiness, and I found very little peace just being there with him.  That I'd hit an almost numb state. Which just means working harder and doing more to break out of it. Shit to be done.  Happiness to make.

I've noticed more and more lately, that in the midst of my mind slowly getting back to normal I'm finally wanting play and kink again.  I want forceful play for the fun of it, and to enjoy the time with people.  I want more opportunity to do the things that bring me mental peace, and help me clear my head. And I notice that in the last few days, I want very possessive power exchange.  Less of the passive exchange we're used to, which is rarely brought up unless attached to an action.  More active emphasis on the dynamic, control, and ownership. It's rather unsurprising honestly.  I've been feeling rather alone lately, and barely having contact with others, or a positive influence.  In my day to day, I have several people telling me negative abusive things, and while I don't believe them, I don't have much if anything telling me otherwise. I'm craving something to make me feel wanted.  Something to make me feel like I make a positive impact, and lik

A while ago, I noticed a small dry spot on my eyelid.  It was weird, but stayed pretty small, and was barely noticeable.  I used moisturizer, and it seemed to keep it from getting worse.  Well, weeks later, another spot appeared, which was a bit more visible.  I kept going with forms of moisturizer, in hopes it would take care of it. Fast forward to about two weeks ago, my eyelid is red and patchy.  It's very obviously eczema.  On my eyelid.  Luckily, it's easily covered by makeup if I need to go out.   I wake up last weekend, and my right eye is swollen half closed.  The eczema is bright red, and has covered my entire eyelid.   Well, as if I needed something else to kick my dysmorphia up some more. I found out coconut oil is amazing for eczema, and safe on my eyes, and it's been helping, but still. I'm barely able to work out right now due to Oliver being here, and I have a cold.  Now, my eye is exploded. I spent the weekend wanting to curl up i

One more post on consent, because it has been an explosive topic here right now. With Lux and I being so close to a lot of the issues right now, we've been discussing a lot of the things going on.  A few days ago, we were discussing how many of these people aren't malicious in their abuse.  They aren't purposeful predators, and that while they need to acknowledge the things they do, leaving them completely abandoned doesn't do anything to help that.  We also discussed how every circle, and at any time in my life has been full of abusers, and rapists, and complete assholes. It made me bring up how often people would excuse away abusive behaviors years ago.  Sweep them under the rug in order to not make it a big deal.  Doing this was so normal, that we allowed minor toxic behaviors, and made everyone think these were perfectly ok.  And then those behaviors became acceptable, only to slowly roll along, with more and more of these things occuring, in different forms f

With Valentine's coming up soon, I'm finding collections of fancy lingerie all over the internet.  While I think it's silly, I do sometimes check them just out of curiosity for society is pushing as necessary and attractive. And, I don't like any of them. Once in a while I see a cute bra, but all in all, I don't really like any of them.  It's all very feminine and shaped for super thin people with giant tits and little natural curves.  It also all looks like it's uncomfortable, and would feel awkward. So, I looked up men's lingerie. In the beginning of course I saw silly elephant thongs, and weird suspender undies.  After just a little scrolling though, I found some really fantastic stuff.  Pieces that were cotton, but with cute cut-outs, or big supportive garters.  Mostly short cuts, which seemed less confusing to put on, and more comfortable to wear, without the risk of them all being devoured by my butt. If it weren't for the pouch on th

With everything going on, Lux and I have been talking about safety at events.  How we both agree that we don't feel safe at any kink event right now. Even he, as a very large top isn't safe.  And not only could he be targeted to have his consent violated, but have someone spread lies for whatever reason, and attack him in that way. And he is in a situation where because he is a big tall menfolk, and being kinda black, he can't do much to fight back. I mentioned that usually at events we tend to keep an eye on each other, and that's probably our safest option.  Because if someone tries something with me, and I can't get myself out of it, I know he'll be able to help. And if he's in a situation where he needs help, I have no problem stepping in and raising hell to whatever level he needs.  Where they can try to claim something about his size or being domly or whatever, they can't use that on me. Luckily, he appreciates the fact that I will pull

Welp, the east coast is exploding.  We have tons of people coming out of the woodwork, talking about tons of consent violations, and abusive behaviors, and how horrible every top ever is. But not about anyone fighting back. Just that some person was being bad, and without correction, they continued to be bad, and they're bad, and I don't want to talk to them. The problem with this, is that if you point it out, you get viewed many times as the villain.  You're victim blaming, and encouraging the abuser. Except, here's the thing.  This is everyone's responsibility. I've dealt with abuse for as long as I can remember.  I have memories of emotional abuse as far back as my daughter's age.  And I've been fighting to be treated as a person for that long. While I was with the gnome, having had no example of a healthy relationship, I took a lot more than I should have without speaking up.  I will fully admit that I encouraged those behaviors at that t

Last year my social life took a hard dive.  It absolutely caused part of crash in my mental state, and why I felt like I haven't even had fumes to run on for almost a year now for the most part. Such is the downside of being an extrovert. This year, I want to spend more time with lots of people.  I want to get them together for movies.  I want to bring people around and do lots of cooking, and gaming and casual things. I want to help create a space, no matter where we all are, where people can decompress and enjoy what's going on. I need to find opportunities for this more often. Sometimes, my being service oriented can't be denied in the slightest.

This week is made of a ton of birthdays, and marks the end of the holidays for us.  My brother, father, and Squishy all have birthdays this week, which makes for quite a busy week between dinners and celebrating. And from here, we actually slow things down for quite a while.  Most people finished their holidays weeks ago.  Not for us. However, this means I have more time and chances to spend time with friends, and make fun social plans, which is good to help my still horrible mental place.  This is how we get better.  Find the good in the now, and work toward things improving even more.

Lux the other day started joking that he wanted a harem of anime waifu.  I thought about how all harem anime tend to go, and pointed out a lot of problems.  And upon this, noticed how unhealthy of an example of poly most harem anime is. There's unhealthy amounts of competition, everyone fighting for attention, where the center of the harem is too oblivious generally to try and balance them all.  There is also usually either pressure from inside the group, or even an external force trying to make the protagonist choose one romantic interest. It both creates an idea of fantasy, as well as the pressures of our monogamist culture. While yes, I will continue to giggle at harem tropes, but appreciate healthy poly practices in real life.

Long before I was born, my older brother was attacked by a dog.  In an attempt to keep him from being afraid of dogs, my parents decided they needed to get one.  Back then, ads in the paper were still safe, and they found a "free to good home" which they responded to.  The owners had to move to a small apartment, and didn't have space for him. Well, no apartment would have been large enough for this dog, as he was a husky/malamute mix, and basically a big fluffy lion.  We found out the old owners were trainers, and when he saw my brother, licked him from feet to head, and walked over and sat at the door.  His name was Max, and he had picked us. We had him for a long time, through a move, and the first few years of my life.  He died of old age, and it broke all our hearts.  My parents couldn't stand having another dog, so we went without for a long time. Years later, my brother went through a bad break up, with a girl cheating on him and leaving without tell

I fell off my workout habit a lot over the holidays.  Being busy for everything going on made me start having excuses, and on the few weeks that I got good amounts of time in, holy shit I learned the difference it makes. It affects everything for me. My mental state, my body image, how I feel physically, it changes everything. So this last week, even with the snow and everyone being home, and everything going on, I've forced myself to get in at least a half hour.  No excuses, and making sure I build the habit back up. And I feel a world better.  I still feel very drained and in a shitty place, but nowhere near where I was last week, and noticing that I feel way better about the curves of my figure, and seeing how much and how quickly they change. I still need to see more people, and actually get some time to recharge, but this is a step in the right direction. And today we go see a pup that might just be coming home with us soon.  More on that later though.

It's another new year, and a good thing for it.  The last year has been hard for me, in a lot of ways.  I didn't do a lot of what I had wanted to, and it took my mental state which was already poor, and made it even worse. So this year, I want to focus on a lot of the things that make me happy. Learn to make things I enjoy that I don't have recipes for yet. Finish the coloring books I wanted to publish last year, and figure out a way to show more of my art to the world. Dance more, both publicly and in spare time. Spend time with the people I care about. Adventure more Find a way to feel healthy again, both physically and mentally We're also currently looking for a dog, which has me very excited.  I'm being very stern with myself to keep to the things we need out of it, while looking for the pup that chooses us as its family. I want this year to go well, and I want it to be far more positive.