A New Devious Chapter

After the last week, I'm feeling motivated, and drawn to teach. Which is a good thing, because I'm handing in my classes for both Pennsic and Fusion this week. Last year Kitty was very intent on the idea of me just teaching one class, and even though I wound up not going, being limited in that way made me a bit upset.  According to him, he wanted to make sure I wasn't overextending myself, and wanted to make sure I had time for me, and time with Lux.   Except that dance isn't work for me, and these classes don't take a ton of prep on site.  I'm getting to dance and share and have fun.  It's something that helps me keep going. And as an extrovert, decompression time alone isn't much of a thing I need.  I'm going to be running around full of energy the entire time.  It'll be halfway home that I run low, and Lux will see me slump down in my seat, out of energy from finally stepping away. So I'm teaching what I want, and that f

I'm so fucking excited.  Drawing has always been a hobby of mine.  My walls have always been covered in art, and while I know I'm too hard on myself, people always tell me that my art is good.  While drawing was something I loved, I always told myself that if I turned it into a job, it would stop being something I loved, something fun, something I could relax with.  I was so afraid that it would just become work, and become draining. Well, with the shit my family pushes on me, and general situations over time, even with some small opportunity I'd had things taken from me, been put into impossible situations, and learned to hate the idea of asking for anything, because empty promises became my normal. Apparently at some point self publishing became really easy though.  And something it only took your own initiative to do. And fuck all if I don't have the drive to try something to get past where I am. And so after falling into probably some of the darkest mental

Over the weekend Lux asked me if we could play games one evening.  Without any doubt from anyone, I said of course, and we had plans. While I knew we had a talk to go over in regards to a few things coming up, he apparently had even more serious things to talk about.  And Pit People.  We needed to finally get to that too. So we set up our voice chat, and he asked for an assessment of where we're at with everything that's happened lately.  He's getting undeserved pressure from every side, and some of it is in regards to us, and our dynamic/relationship.  While we don't feel a need to labels and status, and simply being present, a lot of other people don't feel that way.  I assured him that we're ok, and that there might be some questions he needs to ask others about why they feel this way. We also checked in on our status of poly and being open and all that.  The decision was made to attend both Pennsic and Fusion this year, which I'm very excited and m

After putting on my makeup to go run errands one day, I popped into the den to announce to my father that I no longer looked like a zombie.  He commented about how pale I look with foundation on to cover my freckles, and I mentioned that it's actually difficult to find foundation pale enough for me.  Which is true by the way.  Way too much makeup nerding here, but I am so fair, and with cool undertones, that even high end lines with upwards of 40 shades don't have something light enough for me that isn't yellow. However, that wasn't the conversation I had.  When I mentioned my difficulty to my father, instead of making a dumb joke that I should just buy white foundation or something, instead told me I need to go into the sun more until I can find a shade. My father told me that in order to have access to something, I need to change my skin color. In order to not get mad in that moment, I joked that bright red foundation is even harder to find. And in what shou

I read something recently about how you supposedly can't promise to love someone, especially in poly.  That they differences in how we express love mean that we can't promise that the other person may feel what we are telling them. That when people complain that partners didn't love them, that it's just an incompatibility in how they express love. Sure, this on the surface has potential of being true.  Incompatible love languages are a thing, and create issues. However, sometimes, when a partner doesn't feel loved, it's because they aren't, and the other person is still continuing the dynamic for the comfort of it.  The fear of being alone.  Being an abusive partner.  A pile of things that has caused them to simply not actually care for the other person, and unfortunately, I think that's the case the majority of the time. Those incompatibilities can often be solved with simple communication.  Asking for different sorts of presence, or saying that

The other day I managed to hit a point that took me way too long to get to.  I finally finished drawing all the pages for what will be a published coloring book (still need to do the last bits, but the hard part is done!).   And seeing myself get the sketch done on that last page, I felt myself wanting to keep going.  Get the inking done, and pictures scanned and cleaned, and get it available for the public.  To get to move onto the next one, just to see if I can get that done faster, and have it look even better. It was a great motivator for me.  I'm still not getting everything done day to day that I want to, but I'm feeling drive to do more, instead of having to tell myself.  Drive to do more for people.  To take on more projects, and complete things I have in mind. I'm the kind of person that has trouble getting started until I feel progress.  And once I do have that sense that I'm actually getting somewhere, I'll plow through. I'm building my

While I'm keeping myself busy to try and help, to questionable success, I'm trying to stay mindful of the things I'm wanting. Honestly, I'm barely wanting sex and play lately, which means I likely need them both that much more.  Instead, I'm just wanting time with people.  Time away from this hole of stress, abuse, and negativity.  Time to do little things with people I care about and just feel that positive connection with them.  Even just walking through a park, or sitting in a coffee house on a couch together.  Little actions that help me find some balance between the things slowly digging further and further into my brain, which already makes me worry if I'll be able to find myself again this time. Those small bits of presence with people give me so much improvement.  So much clarity that I can keep going longer. And it sucks that I need that, because I hate needing anyone for anything.  I hate asking for things, and I hate saying that I need someone

The other day I was on a call with Kitty, and we were talking about how poor communication and jumping to decisions with unsafe people, and without having all the necessary information has gotten quite a few people in trouble over time lately, and how it's something that happens regardless someone's orientation. And while Kitty definitely goes overkill on information with new partners, I've always thought it was standard courtesy and common sense with the things I shared.  Things about my body as far as flexibility goes, good and bad pain, important lines, and all such things.  He brought up about how that's a rare thing, even though it should be the standard. A few days later, a friend tweeted about how she doesn't present or perform often, and how it doesn't make her any less valid in the scene. It makes me consider all the things I could talk about in the scene.  About bottoming, and communication, and poly, pain management and processing, abuse, afterc

I've been continuing to try and find ways to help my mind settle out at all.  While everyone here tends to try and make me feel worse, I can't let myself stew in where I was, or even where I am now. With that, I've been trying to constantly ask myself what I can do with the time I have in that moment.  What can I do to be more productive.  To help someone, or to accomplish something myself. So, no matter how small a thing, I've been working to do more.  Finish more books, draw for more coloring books, make myself work out, be present for others.  And while the people I live with may dig into me more than is even remotely healthy, I'm doing something about it.  I'm trying to help my own mind, because with where I was, I'm honestly not sure how long I would have lasted.

Since I was in about middle school I suppose, and my mom could no longer control what I wore as much, I have been more drawn to men's clothing.  Being more masculine, and my body dysmorphia really starting to kick in had me wearing clothes to hide myself, and really embrace the more goth industrial style that I still haven't given up.   As a bit more time went on, I found myself more drawn to feeling tailored and put together.  By the middle of high school, I was wearing some semblance of a suit almost every day.  Still with goth touches, but opting for vests, waistcoats, and blazers.  I did what I could to look well put together, but still have a very unique style. The difficult part of this was that I couldn't shop in the men's sections.  With the curves I have, women's clothing rarely fit me properly, let alone the square cuts of masculine clothing.   Then, after having squishy, before I had even gotten down to my pre-pregnancy size, the gnome lost everythi

This week, I've been focusing on all the things that have fallen to the side which I know are killing my mindspace.  Trying to contact people, and keep up conversations.  Making plans, and doing things.  I've been diving into what art I can, and books as well.  Making myself stay active. All things that I know help me function and keep from wanting to curl up in a ball the way I was. I need to keep kicking myself in the ass to make all these things habit again.  I can't let them fall aside like they were.

Since the weather has been nicer lately, especially for being knee deep in winter, we all decided it would be a good idea to get Oliver's pass for the dog parks in the area early in the year.  This way we could utilize nice days with letting him run about off leash, meet other dogs, and be social. Except not when it's rainy because he wants nothing to do with even the slightest drizzle. Anyway, while on the way to pick up his pass, just heading down some back roads, the idea pops into my head of finding some boy to choke. Unprompted, and out of nowhere, I found my sadist perking up with a vengeance.  The intense craving to find a nice sweet boy, pin him to the wall by his throat, and beat the shit out of him.  The weirdest part is that it wasn't only a nonsexual craving, which is very uncommon for me.  Normally all of my topping, and most of my play in general is incredibly nonsexual. That might be because of the long dry spells I've been having. Either way, i

There's a new game coming out in a week or so.  One I had heard about, and initially, I had actually sent over to Lux because it sounded funny.  It's a game about trying to pick up women, and I thought it would be a full comedy type thing similar to the old Leisure Suit Larry games which I have loved for far longer than would probably be appropriate. However, then I found out the creator is making this as a serious advice tool, and has written books, and teaches workshops on pick up artistry. As a side note, because my view on this is probably obvious, I tweeted about how this will likely have a poor effect on gamer culture as a whole, and push away female gamers and nerds even more than they already are.  The creator of the game liked my tweet.  Pretty sure he's too dumb to realize what his game is going to do. Back on topic, I saw footage of the first four levels of the game.  And rather than finding it funny, I just found it more and more infuriating.  It tries to

I'm reminded fairly often, but even more this week how my appearance affects how I will exist as a dancer. I often see pictures of a dancer who started shortly after I began learning.  Her teacher wasn't certified with anyone, and had poor technique.  They had a small vocabulary, and every set they do is repetitive, and sloppily executed.  Over time, her technique has stayed in a way where she tries more to look sexy than show skill, and winds up looking like she's throwing her body around. She however has long blond hair, and big tits, and looks like a stereotypical american cabaret dancer. Meanwhile, I work my ass off to keep up strong technique, understanding of moves, and as broad a spectrum of styles and variations as possible.  I know my body will only do what I want it to do, without having the throw other parts of my body to make those moves look bigger.  I dance not to look sexy, but as self expression. And because I do that, with small tits, a mohawk, and

Recently, the game Catherine has been stuck in my head.  It's something that covers the idea of relationships in modern Japanese culture, communication, and morality. The game flat out asks your opinion at regular intervals on various subjects pertaining to relationships. And, I find that it becomes really hard to figure out how I would answer these questions, because they very much bank on the idea of monogamy.  That textbook cookie cutter relationship idea that is the standard in Japan. Even as a nerd, I have difficulties due to non-monogamy. Luckily, the game is being remade, and set to come out in the next year or so.  Maybe then it'll have more aspects of polyamoury in it, which I think will even add further complexities to the game overall. Either that or from now on I just need to tell everyone to fuck off in the game, because they're honestly all lying bitches. Yup, that sounds like the best idea. No bitches trying to corner me into what they want by l

I made the mistake of looking at an article on the internet. It talked about all the things that should happen in a healthy relationship, and, I found it angered me more than anything.  It made claims that were so unrealistic, I knew it would do more harm than good to the world. It talked about how when you have the right partner, there is no work, and you never disagree.  That you never get nervous or second guess yourself. All relationships take work.  Every single one of them.  Constant work, through good times, and through bad.  And in those bad times, while we process things, it's normal to worry about your partner and how they're doing, or what you can do to help.  It's going to be harder than others at some points, but it's never effortless. Not only that, but no two people are exactly the same in every way.  There's going to be some things people disagree on.  That's what makes us all unique and dynamic beings.  Looking at it and being open to di

Lux came down last weekend so we could have time together before he gets sent off for work again.  We hadn't seen each other in almost two months, and we didn't want to add at least another month to that. Needless to say, he and the pup got along well, and they snuggled a ton.  In fact, when he went to leave, Oliver tried to sit on his feet to keep him here.  They were adorable. We had a ton of stuff we wanted to do and talk about and all that.  Things to discuss for the year, and start plotting.  Of course, we did none of that.  We snuggled, and babbled, and took time to just not be doing.  Because in a way, that was what we needed. And I noticed, just how bad my mental space is.  I was with someone who brings me so much happiness, and I found very little peace just being there with him.  That I'd hit an almost numb state. Which just means working harder and doing more to break out of it. Shit to be done.  Happiness to make.

I've noticed more and more lately, that in the midst of my mind slowly getting back to normal I'm finally wanting play and kink again.  I want forceful play for the fun of it, and to enjoy the time with people.  I want more opportunity to do the things that bring me mental peace, and help me clear my head. And I notice that in the last few days, I want very possessive power exchange.  Less of the passive exchange we're used to, which is rarely brought up unless attached to an action.  More active emphasis on the dynamic, control, and ownership. It's rather unsurprising honestly.  I've been feeling rather alone lately, and barely having contact with others, or a positive influence.  In my day to day, I have several people telling me negative abusive things, and while I don't believe them, I don't have much if anything telling me otherwise. I'm craving something to make me feel wanted.  Something to make me feel like I make a positive impact, and lik

A while ago, I noticed a small dry spot on my eyelid.  It was weird, but stayed pretty small, and was barely noticeable.  I used moisturizer, and it seemed to keep it from getting worse.  Well, weeks later, another spot appeared, which was a bit more visible.  I kept going with forms of moisturizer, in hopes it would take care of it. Fast forward to about two weeks ago, my eyelid is red and patchy.  It's very obviously eczema.  On my eyelid.  Luckily, it's easily covered by makeup if I need to go out.   I wake up last weekend, and my right eye is swollen half closed.  The eczema is bright red, and has covered my entire eyelid.   Well, as if I needed something else to kick my dysmorphia up some more. I found out coconut oil is amazing for eczema, and safe on my eyes, and it's been helping, but still. I'm barely able to work out right now due to Oliver being here, and I have a cold.  Now, my eye is exploded. I spent the weekend wanting to curl up i

One more post on consent, because it has been an explosive topic here right now. With Lux and I being so close to a lot of the issues right now, we've been discussing a lot of the things going on.  A few days ago, we were discussing how many of these people aren't malicious in their abuse.  They aren't purposeful predators, and that while they need to acknowledge the things they do, leaving them completely abandoned doesn't do anything to help that.  We also discussed how every circle, and at any time in my life has been full of abusers, and rapists, and complete assholes. It made me bring up how often people would excuse away abusive behaviors years ago.  Sweep them under the rug in order to not make it a big deal.  Doing this was so normal, that we allowed minor toxic behaviors, and made everyone think these were perfectly ok.  And then those behaviors became acceptable, only to slowly roll along, with more and more of these things occuring, in different forms f