A New Devious Chapter

If you can't tell by now, camp had a lot of people trying to figure me out over time. Lux is very obviously just a top and a domly person, and no one questioned that when we got there. However, when we first showed up, people just thought I was another submissive there with a domly dom, all quiet and awkward. And then I started having those conversations about how I go about things that Lux isn't into.  The sort of safe details that only someone who has topped those things for a while would do. They got the idea I was a switch, but then those ideas started rolling in their heads.  Do Lux I and I switch?  What things do I even do?  How much knowledge, and how careful am I? And from there I noticed a lot more people talking to me.  No longer was I someone who just took what Lux dished out.  I was now someone to figure out.  I talked a lot more about safety in things I do than just listing off what I enjoy.  When people heard about how much of a beating I can take, they

It's been a long time since I've gotten to top someone.  Long enough that I forgot that being a sadist is a big part of who I am.  In no way have I been unhappy just being a bottom for Lux, and a couple other friends, but I just haven't had that chance to really lay into people for a while.  At camp, I found that part of my mind waking up.  Discussions of how I do knife play, cutting, and my own personal strength.  It caused confusion about me, and Lux and I (again, to be discussed soon) but made me think about myself more as a top again.  I gained a lot more confidence in talking about being a sadist, and it helped me open up a lot. While working on Pyre's back, and seeing everyone else there wanting me to hurt them, I found myself feeling way more like I wanted to top again.  To feel the wake up of wanting to beat everyone up, rather than simply being quiet and uninterested. At some points I even offered to beat up Pyre proper.  I think if she wasn't so unco

One of the things that I had had to deal with quite a bit as camp went on was people assuming the chain I wear every day was a collar to Lux. Part of my normal jewelry is a piece of elfweave chain I made that fits like a choker.  It was probably the most difficult chain I ever made when I started on it, but it looks complex and pretty, so I wear it every day. And being where we were, a lot of people assumed it was a collar.  That either Lux had made it, or we had gotten it made as a symbol of our exchange. I corrected them over most of the weekend.  Saying that I had made it myself, and it was simply a fun project that I like wearing.  It left a lot of people confused as to our dynamic, but I think that'll be covered in the future. Just before we left, as I was showing Lux the new toys I got, a couple we had talked to on and off was there, and I had to explain that they were for me to use, rather than just him.  They were suddenly drawn toward the idea of me as a top, and t

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by the end of the

This is my last post that I prepped before heading to Fusion, and since I'm writing this up so close to going, I've had plenty of time to talk about, and think about the event prior to, and all the emotions leading up to it. Lux and I have talked several times about our feelings in regards to camp.  We've had a lot of issues with registrations and such given my being staff, and Lux being... called dibs on as a strong pretty menfolk helper.  It's been a bit of frustration, but not something that can slow us down. We're both excited.  It's a new thing for us both, we each have plans, and are getting to see people and do things we haven't in a while.  We are used to going to events together, and each doing our own thing, and making sure to spend time with the other.  It's something we've just been able to do, and that works really well for us.  We're also worried.  It being so new, we don't quite know how this event will work for us in par

I had a question put in my mind the other day, that I realized is something I hadn't had to put much thought into before. As someone Agender, am I trans? A lot of people put nonbinary genders into the same category as trans.  That anything that isn't cisgender falls under that umbrella.  The idea that trans just means not matching your identity given at birth. I'm not sure if I like that though.  It doesn't give transgender people a real identity, but simply says they can fall anywhere on this scale.  And for people who are very solidly on one end of that scale, it does them a disservice. So I look at that scale, from masculine to feminine, with male and female underneath, to show how you may match that birth assignment. I'm ok with saying I'm female, and female bodied.  I don't feel like that defines me, though it does affect me.  Many people treat tiny females with a specific expectation, and that's just their first impression of anyone.  Jus

I'm on the way to Fusion today! I'll be teaching two classes, and playing with others, and spending time with Lux.  I'll also be performing, helping the fire team, and exploring. I've been spending a lot of time putting together classes, and music, and packing, and prepping.  That's not all that's gone on in the last couple weeks for me though.  I published two new coloring books!  They're both out, and I have the groundwork set to start a few new ones over the summer. I also got a new prompt journal that plays with a fun writing exercise to publish as soon as I'm home.  I started playing more with how I work out every day, because time is still a little wonky unfortunately. There's also been some other things that you'll hear about soon. It's been a productive month.  I'm feeling like I have better support, and good people around.  I'm feeling like I'm doing more, and even if this isn't something huge, I'm

Lux asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding he was in last weekend.  It happened to be a weekend that I was without a Squishy, so I said I would be his plus one, and we could spend some time together before Fusion.  Well, after a week of trying to figure out details, Lux made his way down after the rehearsal.  We had joked a day or two before that whenever we spend time together, we need to do prep work.  Drinking extra water, stretching, cardio, all an amusing number of things to need to do knowing our own marathon habits. Well, the entire weekend was busy.  The wedding went smoothly, with the exception of Lux's suit exploding on the dance floor.  He kept said that it fit poorly, and then tried to squat while dancing, and poof.  We thought about trying to get through dinner, but that wasn't going to happen.  Just as food was being brought out, we went back to the hotel, where Lux did a full squat, just for the full range of pants explosion, be

I've been waiting to see how this resolved to post on it.  This is a bit of a big one. A few weeks ago, Kitty was telling me that he had a long night with Fox, after they had done a full week of overnights, and not much sleep.  They were depressed, and not in a good mental state. Well, that weekend only got worse. It wound up with not feeling safe to have Fox home, and they wound up having them put somewhere. A few days later there was no improvements.  A week later, they were brought home because the facility was fucking some things up. All the while, everyone is in crisis mode, afraid to try and relax, and Kitty of course taking too much blame for himself.  Needless to say, I spent that time wishing I was there to try and get them both to take care of themselves.  To help where I could, and be my normal jewish mother self. Well, it's finally in some form of resolution, and now it appears Kitty isn't attending Fusion at all because he isn't up to being

As a follow up to a post the other day, Lux and I have had quite a bit more focus on power exchange lately.  We've both really been feeling it, and trying not to just ignore that, but acknowledge it in the moment, rather than saying we'll get to it when we're together. It's also become a huge symbol of how much we both care about the needs of the other.  Even in adapting small gestures to give him control, we spoke for a while on how to tailor this to work for us.  What makes him know I'm being me, and let's him also have control over the situation without just blanket rules.  Something active, that not only gives him control through my gesture, but in how he scales it in the moment.  Which, in my mind, might not create ritual, but is more controlling, because it's always in his hands. We've been looking at a lot of little things we do, and noticing how much we put power exchange into them.  That many things we look at as possessive in our own way. 

Randomly, I clicked on a video from one of the Green brothers.  Something titled about how to get boys to like you, and I was curious about if they would make something up, or try to go very scientific about it. Well, they started spouting out about habits in different cultures throughout time.  Things about neck rings, foot binding, corsets, and the like.  The emphasis women have put on their appearance to attract a mate, and it's ridiculousness.  That we don't necessarily look for traits in women that would make them a capable and hard working mate, but simply something attractive for men. Which is funny, because I'd been thinking about just that on and off lately. Humans are one of very few creatures where the women is expected to put more emphasis on image to attract a male.  In the vast majority of species, the male has more features to try and attract women.  Brighter colors, larger features, and more vibrant and catchy appearance, just to get the attention of f

Squishy, being a kid, often writes some interesting things on school work. Things like in kindergarten, where all the other kids wrote "family" or similar around Thanksgiving, Squishy wrote that she is thankful for pumpkin pie.  This was cute, and lighthearted, and something we kind of expected. They're not all this way though. So, since she was an infant, Squishy has enjoyed getting her back patted.  Not just light gentle patting though.  Good solid thumps to the shoulderblades.  Genetics!  Even now, if she hugs me, she will fall asleep if I start thumping on her back. Last year at Mother's Day, she wrote in a book that she likes "When mommy hits my back".  Needless to say, when she told me she wrote this, I regularly asked if she was questioned about it at school, because to anyone not aware, that looks real wrong.  Luckily, if you haven't guessed, everything was fine. This year, knowing that she has written this in the past, I was a bit wo

Lux and I have been talking a lot about power exchange lately, and at one point I talked about how I could do heavy elaborate exchange in the short term, but probably not for more than the occasional day, just because I am the type that when I set myself up to do something, I want to get it done before moving onto something else, including things asked of me by others.  Lux responded by saying that he tries not to push asking things of me in our exchange, because of my general "Fuck everyone" MO.  And yes, most of the time when people expect me to obey, give them control, or just let them have say over me, I tell them to fuck off and kick their ass.  For a very long time in my life, I had people trying to change who I am, or control how I do things, or just expecting me to be submissive regardless of who I am, because I'm tiny and female bodied. Lux's response to everything though is always for me to be me.  If I were to ever do anything outside of what he knows

Many of us around here often joke that Oliver is fat.  He's not, but to keep my mom from completely overfeeding him, we make the jokes, but don't put much behind it. Anyway, one day while making these jokes, my mom responded "Yea, well, I give him so much because I love him" And I had to choke down yelling at her.  That feeding him piles of things he shouldn't have isn't love.  That ignoring what he needs when he's saying so, encouraging poor behavior, and barely spending any actual time with him isn't love.  It's selfish convenience.  Like when she buys clothes for Squishy that she doesn't like, but then tries to force Squishy to wear them just because she likes them.  It's not love.  It's again being selfish, and incredibly inconsiderate. Love is taking on compromise.  It's doing things you don't always want to do (in a healthy way of course) in order to take care of people when they need it.  It's considering them

This week is madness, but in so many good ways. On Tuesday, we had to take the pup back to the shelter.  When we first got him, he was heartworm positive, and so the shelter wouldn't adopt him out fully until he was done with treatment.  That meant that he was only considered a foster for the several months he stayed with us until this point.  In many ways, that was good, because had he not worked out, we could return him, without breaking any contracts, or having paid for him. Well, he took the ride to the shelter, got a quick test, and he's heartworm negative.  The people at the shelter very nearly forgot that we needed to actually pay for and sign for him to be fully adopted until we had asked them about it.  A short wait later, and some paperwork done, and he's now officially no longer a shelter dog, and has a home for what might be the first time in his life.  He's snuggled up with my butt right now, so I'm pretty sure he's happy here. Lux is taking o

Last weekend was Mother's Day, and was way different from the last many of them.  Not to say it magically became amazing, but broke up a good lot of our routine. My parents didn't go off to the cemetery this year, due to the rain, and instead opting to go on my grandma's birthday at the end of the month.  Also, rather than our normal bbq where the menfolk are supposed to make everything but we wind up doing most of the work, we decided to make a giant prime rib and a ton of other food ourselves.  Wound up being much better food, and we didn't have to wait for anyone. A lot of things have been breaking around the house, but nothing that wasn't a simple fix.  I realized I only have a couple of sketches left for two new coloring books, which means mostly just inking and then all the formatting shit.  These are definitely going a lot faster, and I'm so happy about that. There are a lot of other little things I'm making and working on an organizing, and

This week has been a collection of having people feel like they in a downturn.  I spoke with Kitty Sunday night, and when I reminded him of his age (he forgot how old he is) it triggered thoughts of how he hasn't been making the same strides he was professionally, and how his current job has been nowhere near the situation he thought it would be.  That with the choices he's made, he doesn't know if life will even give him the chance to make that professional growth any longer, and feeling like he's burning out.  He's also been dealing with not being able to enjoy his hobbies due to his shoulder turning borked, and a ton of other things that I don't agree with much and have tried to voice. Lux is dealing with his work crumbling apart, and trying to find a new gig.  He's picking up the work of a ton of people in the meantime, and feeling frustrated, and like he can't really live up to everyone else.  This while juggling things with family, and attempt

Lux and I talked a lot about the dangers of many people in the scene, and our fears bringing people in, and the risks we take.  We spoke about how he doesn't know how he'd react to someone accusing him of something he didn't do, or blowing a situation up way beyond the truth. I laughed, and said that I'd go ahead and step in and handle in.  While he found it amusing, and hopefully as something supportive, he said that he didn't need me fighting all his battles.  And while yes, I do let him handle and learn a lot of things for himself, I'm going to be supportive where I can, and in those situations where he is backed into a corner, I'm not going to stop myself from setting things straight.  I'm far too overprotective to let him get hurt and not do anything about it. To which we talked about how I've already proven that.  That he was accused of something by someone absolutely unsafe, after I had been told even more conflicting statements.  He was

Remember how I said the other day that I only really cared about what other people thought about my appearance for a short time in my life?  Well, that is true, and when it comes down to it, I don't really care all of that much, and mostly just focus on making me feel like me. That however, doesn't mean I don't like the input from close people for outside perspective. While Lux was visiting, we were out to breakfast, and he mentioned that my makeup one day didn't look as good on my skin as the day before.  I agreed, that the product I used that day matched my ghostliness better, but had a worse finish than some other ones I have. He felt a bit trapped while talking about it, not wanting to say the wrong thing, and I totally understand that.  It's a bit of an easy way to throw yourself into a hole when on the subject, and much harder to dig out of it. Then he said something that would have most women screaming.  He said "I honestly don't think you ne

I think about how I felt the last time Lux had visited.  That even though he makes me happy, I just didn't have any spark of joy that I normally do from seeing him.  That I felt very blank, even if I was incredibly grateful for time with him.  It bothered me, and not only that, but we didn't get a chance to really dig into anything that we'd meant to. Since then, a lot has happened, and I've made a lot of improvement in my own mental space.  It's done me a world of good, and I realized exactly how much in the middle of Lux's visit last weekend. Despite a lot of things going on over that week, we were able to find a lot more joy in being together.  There was a peace like we usually have, and a serious boost to my mental state.  I got to feel inspired, and share a lot of the projects I have going on right now, to work on over the next long while. We had a lot of discussion about the coming months, and making plans, and creating the basis of a fun summer.