A New Devious Chapter

We're coming into the busiest time of year, so I figured this week would make a good time for a check in for everything as a whole. Right now, I'm still feeling productive.  It's keeping me upbeat, and motivated.  Things at home are... About what can be expected, which is frustrating, but I'm aware enough to not let it really affect me deeply anymore. I've been a lot more social lately, and I'm trying to balance that with everything else going on.  However, it's helping me feel a lot better mentally, and less drained than I was earlier this year. On the downside though, I'm craving contact. I want snuggles, and hugs and affection well more than any social time right now.  Luckily, Lux is visiting soon, so I'll get that. Everything considered, I'm not doing too bad right now in my brainspace.  Still not where I want to be, and still a ton of things to worry about and do, but I've gone through a world of improvement from the beginning

I will fully admit, that there are some things out there that will make someone completely incompatible for me.  They won't stop me from being friends with a person, but I know myself enough to know that certain traits will kill any chance of attraction happening. Lux and I have a lot of friends in the rope scene, and it's often an awkward thing for him, because he will start to talk to people, and develop some amount of interest, but as soon as he says he doesn't tie, they immediately distance themselves from him for any sort of play or anything.  Despite the fact that they might also be masochists, or enjoy power exchange, or any number of other things, because he doesn't enjoy rope topping, they won't give him the time of day in regards to any play. I've dealt with similar things in a few cases, but not nearly as much as him. A friend of ours, who has voiced having no attraction towards Lux met a boy while at camp recently.  Despite making countless pro

I spent some time curious. Seeing what other people are writing about when it comes to a few of the things I want to teach.  Taking ideas to help adapt classes, and build them in a more accessible way. Except, a lot of what I saw on similar subjects were near the complete opposite. Things like how to speak to dominants in a pleasing way. How not to get angry with a dom. How to ask for things without annoying a dom. Just a pile of things that slowly made me frustrated. All of these things muddle communication.  They dismiss emotions, and create an assumptive and unhealthy scale for a relationship.  They felt like my dynamic with Thrax, where I had to say what he wanted regardless of how I felt.  That my frustration with his lies and bringing them up was wrong.  That my constantly asking for what I needed, or things he promised should have just been ignored. Even if it isn't straight abuse, it doesn't help encourage any sort of healthy communication and strength.

I've been reading a lot of things lately about why people stay in abusive relationships, and how they wind up in them and such. All people who have their own reasons, and stories about things. It brought to mind that both of my siblings, as well as myself, have had abusive partners.  My brother is with one still, and my sister only isn't with one now because her current partner is completely dependent on her (I know those are not mutually exclusive, but he is legitimately afraid he would not survive without her care). And it gives me that absolute definitive proof that we grew up in an abusive situation.  We were raised that emotional abuse was normal.  That it was an aspect of love.  That just because my parents stayed together and were abusive toward each other, they would be abusive toward us and it was fine. They just assumed it was how things worked, and it's why they are nearing 40, and still in unhealthy relationships.  I fought from my daughter's age to

I don't play with a lot of people. I have no problem with meeting people, and making friends, but I don't do a lot of pick up play. And even more than that, I encourage vanilla time with kinky friends.  Long conversations about silly things, baking, and lots of fun mundane things. I like the process of becoming friends.  I like learning about people, and having quality time.  When I meet new people, getting to have the time to build a real connection with them is my favorite. Unfortunately, I find that a lot of people don't stick around for things like that.  If they don't get the time to play, they leave, and honestly, I'm ok with that.  I don't wait a long time, but I do give people a bit of time for me to actually get to know them.  I want to learn that they actually have interest in me and not just the idea of play. I want to learn what we can do after. I want to know what to expect from you the rest of the time. Honestly, I would

I feel like for a long time now, we've tried to fight against the idea of "industry standard" appearance. Various body shapes, without some cookie cutter size and expectation of beauty. We encourage instances of magazine and marketing spreads that aren't touched up and altered digitally. And yet, when it comes to our personal social medias, and building an audience on them, we are making it easier and easier to alter our appearance.  There are tons of apps which can change the shapes of our faces, or our bodies, or completely change the appearance of a photo.  It's become a tool that everyone uses, and it's become the new normal. Hell, I've seen beauty youtubers make tutorials about how they use facetune.  Most new phones actually come with a "beauty filter" as the default setting to the front facing camera. The average person now has simply accepted the tools to change appearance, and still claims that mass media photoshopping is wrong

With everything going on after Pennsic, I took a week mostly to recover and clean up before telling myself that I had to get back to work on all the things I had intended to make while camping but didn't. And what I couple of weeks it's been for productivity. I finished and published one book, which people have been enjoying.  I made two things a friend asked for, a gift for Squishy's friend who has a birthday coming up, and started a new "modest" scarf for myself.  Oh, and something for Squishy too. I've been getting Squishy ready for school, hunt down things she needed, and get her on schedule. All the classes I want to put together have gone into the beginning assembly phases. Another coloring book is about three quarters of the way done. I've also looked into more methods of making money off my art, to really try and turn this into a career. There was also one day when I got a huge kick in ass about the possibility to not be able publish

There are certain things we need to be sure to hold ourselves accountable for in casual settings.  We all need a level of self awareness and control, no matter what we're doing, or our orientation. One morning at Pennsic, while we were all still shambling about and putting ourselves together, sipping coffee, and waiting on the shower, one of our camp mates was talking about her night.  She had met up with a well established domly person who no one is really terribly fond of, and was chatting with him.  Apparently at one point he started trying to use his domly voice, knowing he has tried to establish this over decades, and she responded by calling him sir. She said it was compulsory, and while upset with herself, acted like it was just a reaction to domly behavior. Lux and I spoke about this.   About our disappointment on both parts. That domly person sure as hell shouldn't be trying to manipulate people he thinks might be submissive with speaking like that. 

While at Pennsic, one of the people in our camp started on the spiel about brats.  Something about having to keep them from bratting out of wanting something. And, if it were a smaller circle of people, I would have spoken up, and I still should have, but I kept quiet. I should have said that if people are bratting in order to get something, you aren't encouraging clear communication, or answering that communication with what they need often enough.  That sometimes people, including me, have bratty behavior as a sort of affection, or just because it's part of their personality, rather than because they want something. That if someone is being bratty all the time to where you keep expressing you don't like it, they're not a brat, but an asshole. I feel like that person just had too old of an image of what bratting is, and promotes too much alongside that, rather than being open to the idea of things being outside the stereotype of brats acting up for attention.

Lux and I have had a plan for a particular scene for a while.  He wanted to have me suspended as a punching bag, and then turn it into an impact scene.  Needless to say, I had no issue with any part of this idea.  We just needed to take time to figure things out with blood pooling, and time restrictions and such for safety. Well, one night at Pennsic, while we're all sitting in the dojo, Lux asks if I am up for doing it.  He ran it past a friend to rig me up, and everything was good. The dojo was crowded, but I went up.  Lux started punching me, and jokes started being made.  At one point, I wound up completely lifting myself upright in laughter.  People commented about endorphins being built up soon, and such things. At one point, since all my weight was on one wrap around my hips, the rope dug in so much that I needed to be shifted.  I wound up with raw spots after the fact, so I definitely needed to move.  The scene continued beyond that point though, and everyone enjoyed

Lux and I don't usually blatantly express how we feel about each other.  We generally just keep a healthy dynamic, include the other in things, and try to make the other feel cared for in our everyday gestures. I am in general more affectionate than him, and even that isn't terribly much.  I often worry if he feels uncomfortable with me being more vocal or open about how I feel than he is.  Usually, I remind myself that he should feel cared for, and to use that affection as affirmation of that. Lux however, very rarely if ever shows blatant affection.  It's sometimes a bit unnerving, because I don't know how he feels, even though I know he wouldn't include me in as much of his life as he does if he didn't care for me. Over those weeks that we had time together though, there were lots of little affirming moments though.  Things that he probably didn't realize he did, or how much I appreciated it. Things like expressing a dislike of him existing withou

One of the nice things about camping with this group is that they know a bit about our dynamic.  They also very respectfully acknowledge that I'm a switch, and just as much a sadist as I am a masochist. They don't know a lot of the finer details though, and it leads to some moments that are a little funnier for Lux and I, albeit a bit awkward. Things like being around other submissives who are looking at doing something for their partner, and asking what Lux needs, then they look at me like I'm supposed to do it, the way I did earlier.  Except that time I was also doing something for myself as well, and Lux had to take care of something else.  Lux still is becoming more comfortable with service when he isn't busy, and prefers to do for himself.  He also doesn't like not knowing how to do something himself, even if he will have it done for him when someone else is there.  So here I am being looked at, while Lux is getting up to do for himself, and I am looking ba

I'm back from Pennsic, and somewhat back to a normal routine. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Lux came down the weekend before Pennsic.  He had to travel for work, and so he brought his gear down early, so I could do any repairs, finish packing, and the like, while he was far away, without having to keep his gear in the truck for a week.  That weekend went fairly smoothly, and it was good to have the time with him.  Early in the morning, he left for a flight, and was down in Florida for most of the week.  The plan was, for him to return Thursday, so we could have Friday to clean, pack the truck, and relax before driving out Saturday morning. Well, weather decided that wasn't happening, and after many delays, he had to catch a flight Friday morning.  While watching the tracker for that flight, it literally looked like a toddler scribbling on the east coast to show where they were going.  I was a panic, but apparently Lux was fairly calm.  His flight wound up be

Almost two months ago, I finally did it. In a fit of horny rage, I told Lux I needed to pull the trigger and get a first dildo.  Something I'd said on and off for years, but never did.  The fact that I didn't masturbate at all up until that point just made it fall to the wayside. But I told him, and I asked him if he could pick out and get it for me, since he knew far more about what he was looking at than I did. Well, after throwing a few ideas around, he got one, and brought it to me a few days later. We haven't used it together yet, but I have used it by myself a few times, and I think it's been enough to give me some sort of an idea, at least for a solo thing. So, I have no real desire to cum, no matter how horny I am, or if I'm with a partner. And, unfortunately, that leaves me without much of a goal when I use a dildo.  It doesn't feel bad perse, but I just kind of wonder when to stop.  There's nothing else there to keep me interested, and

While at Fusion, and a few times since, I've had a lot of requests for new classes, or making offshoots to classes I teach. That means developing a lot of new things over the coming months, and while some of these are still physical movement classes which I get compliments on my teaching methods, it also means developing lectures, which I'm not so used to presenting. It's interesting, thinking about making the notes for these classes.  Learning to fill an hour plus of lecture, without breaks for practice or drills, is not something I have a lot of experience with. This is something I wanted though.  I had wanted to start presenting in the kink scene, and bringing new information in that doesn't seem to be present in most classes. The whole class creation thing is a bit of a project.  For my movement classes, it isn't hard to just go through my vocabulary, apply relevance, and make a list of things to cover what I want.  There are often times when I have to t

Right after I got home from my visit with Dansa, Lux asked if we could hang out on voice for an evening, just to hang out.  We've been doing that a lot more lately, just so he has more contact with people, and because it's been nice to have that change in communication. He mentioned, almost as though he expected it to be dismissed, that he had been thinking about more serious role driven play.  Not necessarily scenarios, but a less silly, level and casual sort of play than we normally have. For a long time, I kept really quiet about this exact thing.  Lux was processing a lot, and working through a lot of issues regarding these things from past partners, or people pushing for things he wasn't comfortable, and making him feel pressured,  left unconsidered, and that he didn't have any control, despite being the domly person.  I tried to encourage him to work through these things for him, and not bringing up what I wanted, to keep him from thinking I was just being sel

With me feeling much more toppy than normal, Lux and I have a lot of the same worries lately.  That someone will either make a false claim about us, or miscommunicate, or something will happen, and we'll both be thrown down the hole of consent violators, unable to say anything because of his appearance, and my lack of visible credibility as a top. We talk about how we don't want to get lax enough have that become a chance. That we're worried with any new person we play with, or would potentially play with. We also talk about precautions we take with each other.  Either being present for the other's scenes as an extra set of eyes. How we will call out any bad habits we see forming, even when together, and encourage the good ones to stay, and grow. Sometimes, being a safe partner is a team effort, and that's why we can't leave these things to ourselves.  We need to know where we slip, even if accidentally, and even if just for a second. It's someth

This weekend we leave for Pennsic! I have to say, this one has been hard to prep for.  It's been a project to pack, and get organized.  I've had adventures get in the way, and plans in flux that made things difficult. However, I'm excited to teach, and wander around, and work on new things, and see people, and a thousand other things. I've done a lot in the last month to get ready, including helping Lux get organized amongst everything going on.  Which, that's been a thing as well.  I've been trying to stay present for him while he's getting used to a new job, and needs more contact with people.  It's been a lot of sewing, and yarn work, and crochet, and drawing, and packing, and organizing and a ton of other things to get here. But this will be a very different Pennsic for us.  Just like the rest of summer, which has had a lot of new things and firsts for us. It's time for an adventure!

One last Fusion post.  I think. So, one of the most amusing things I found over time while at Compound, was how people never quite knew how to think of me.  That they were constantly having little tidbits, and only getting more and more confused and intrigued. Camp definitely started with them thinking I was a submissive bottom.  That I belonged to Lux, and it was as simple as that.  They looked at Lux and tagged him for a domly dom top, and gave me the easiest box to go with it. Until sitting there one morning, discussing knifeplay methods, and I started talking about my own practices as a top in regards to safety and tools.  Suddenly I was more.  This was something Lux didn't talk about, it wasn't me talking about him.  It was my own practice as a top. And then, they realized I switch. But, did Lux switch? Did we switch together? Were we both into all the same things as a top? Now, Lux and I don't switch.  I am very statically a happy slave, but they don&#

This last week meant both mine and Lux's birthdays have passed, and we're each another year older. While he's just another step into his thirties, I've now officially left my twenties. It's a good thing I still look twelve. Squishy asked me if turning thirty meant I had to become an adult.  By that she meant acting like a stuffy old person.  She seemed very upset with the idea.  It was rather cute. Lux's birthday I was home while he was out with friends, getting completely smashed.  Apparently, even though I was barely getting half sentences, he was damn near poetic with a handful of other people.  When he went and read back over a lot of it he wound up apologizing to me because of how he was acting with everyone else.  Had he not pointed it out and apologized after saying it, I probably would have gotten a bit upset, but this made it more funny than anything. He can always make it up to me later anyway.  I didn't even tell him that, and don't