Sunday, November 29, 2015

Closeted

Last weekend, I had to sit for my pseudo nephew while his father, who I refer to as an older brother, because he's been in my life since I was born helped my parents with something.  While waiting for a third person to show up, said older brother said I needed to supply anime, and we'd get booze later and have a night to bs.

And, it wasn't bad.  I picked out the booze, so nothing weird or gross was there. 

You know how most people get drunk, and feel relaxed, or have less inhibition?  Well, I lose motor function and that's it.  I actually get a bit more uptight sometimes because I get frustrated over that lack of physical ability.  I kept texting Lux saying how I don't understand why people enjoy being drunk.  I drink because I enjoy the taste of booze, but for me it's like having a piece of cake.  Every so often I want some, but after a serving, the craving is gone. 

Normally, he's used to only seeing me around my parents.  Which means I'm censoring the vast majority of what I would normally say.  Because I'm away from them, the conversation is just me.  Which means it's all weaving around in whatever direction it goes, and I'm completely unphased by everything.

He asks the very vanilla questions of sexual conquest.  Am I bisexual, or am do I like threesomes.  Am I into dual penetration, or do I like being spanked.  He was surprised my answers to most of these were a very settled and self aware no, with the simple comment that I often have to wear pants and long sleeves for a reason.

Then he started prodding.  Have I ever been attracted to him.  Am I sure.  Grilling me.  And I turn him down each time.  He is very not my type on any level, and he's so in my head as a brother, that my mind doesn't even process the concept.  And then I flat out say that between my two partners, I'm not looking to do anything sexual with anyone else.

He asks what I mean by two.  And I say that while neither Lux nor Kitty are my boyfriend, they are both very important people in my life, and we do have serious relationships, in whatever wibbly form they may be.  He looks at me, and tries to process this and understand it.  I tell him it's not something my parents know, and they shouldn't.

But, especially with this, maybe they should soon.  I may need to open that awkward can of worms at some point, and tell them that Kitty and I have had a very similar sort of thing that Lux and I have now for a long time.

And then deal with them shoving down my throat how I'm being a shitty person, leading them both on, and cheating on them.  Then saying I'm destroying Kitty's relationship at home, and all manner of misunderstood things.  But it might become necessary. 

I don't hide affection with Lux.  We snuggle around family, hold hands, give small kisses, and all the other tiny displays of affection.  And I do similar with Kitty.  It was part of why my parents hated him when I was a teenager, and if they see that affection now, it's going to force that conversation.

I can also only hide marks from two sadists for so long as well.  I'm not about to tell them not to hurt me, because it's fun, and we all enjoy it.  It's very likely they'll catch minor burn marks on me from Kitty though, or knuckle bruises on my hips from Lux, or bite marks on my chest from both of them.  Usually I tell some story that often isn't a total lie to distract her, but burns are a little hard to figure out a cover up for, as are obvious knuckle marks. 

They'll likely see me as some demented piece of shit after they find out, but they already treat me like one, and tell me that I'm one, so it's not like it can get much worse.


Thursday, November 26, 2015

Obligatory Turkey Day Post!

As is appropriate every year on Thanksgiving, the following is a collection of what I am thankful for.

* Self awareness, and the ability to learn and grow within myself
* The best support structure I've ever had in life, in the form of a fantastic domly dragon, and the return of my wonderful kitty, each of which have their own place in my life which no standard title would ever fit what they are to me
* The realization that I am apparently poly, but just really picky.  And apparently should trust my type
* Having seen and felt the effects of unbalanced and inconsiderate assholish poly, so that I have a better knowledge of the importance of the care I need to put into those in my life
* Adventures, which help me experience new things, and build memories
* A talent with the arts that will have me constantly making leaps and strides in my work
* The ability to cook, and bake, and an enjoyment in doing so that brings people together
* The inspiration to go do and see all sorts of new things
* Being service oriented, and getting to take care of those important to me as often as I can
* Slowly but surely trying to distance myself from the toxic people who have been in my life

This has been a really difficult year for me in a lot of ways, but really amazing in some others.  Here's hoping the next year gives me far more to be thankful for, with the same wonderful people.


Sunday, November 22, 2015

Dealing with Doms

Shortly after Lux and I started hanging out, he went through a breakup.  As most somewhat unexpected ends to relationships will do, this left him in an odd mental state, feeling rather reluctant to indulge in the things he experienced in that relationship, and blamed himself, and those things as a part of the break.  A good bulk of these things had to do with power exchange, and sadism, which while sometimes present in our lives together, it's at a very surface level, and just the smallest taste before he needs reassurance that we're both ok, and that no damage has been done.

Given that I was also fresh off the breakup with Thrax, this left me in no mood to be submissive, and so I was fine with the lack of power exchange, and happy to build a solid egalitarian friendship to see where it evolved.  As time went on though, accidental dynamics occurred, and became more prevalent.  We acknowledged their existence, and while he would tell me he craved power exchange, and spoke of it with others, it barely peeked it's head out with us. 

Slowly but surely though, it built it's way up.  Very few rules, because we didn't need them, but it was there, and becoming a more and more regular occurrence to our day.  He'd suggest moving forward with it even, and at one point, told me he'd been thinking about me with his collar. 

And then, everything with Nessa started occurring.  She ran away, and despite my still being right there taking care of him, he again became reluctant.  Power exchange barely became a mention, and his sadism locked away. 

And, it becomes this frustrating, worrying, ball of stuff.  I want to know what I can do to help, and what will inspire this side of him again.  I want him to know that he is safe with me, and I'm never going to just up and leave.  I want him to know that he's not to blame for them doing what they did, and that he did nothing wrong.

And then I worry.  I worry that he's going to see me being with Kitty, and despite our rule that's in place, I'm going to drop my dynamic with him for someone else who has actively expressed an interest in power exchange.  That I'm trading him in for someone else, who does everything that he won't anymore.

And this, by the way, isn't the case in the slightest.  I'm very happy belonging to Lux even with his reluctance, and we've discussed trying to get him moving more forcefully toward those aspects of himself again.  Not due to selfishness on my part, but because seeing him mentally struggle like this makes me feel badly.  That he should have someone safe to be himself with.  I know I don't take much work or active dominance to be submissive, but it is something we both enjoy, and when I see him comfortable indulging in that, it makes me incredibly happy.


Thursday, November 19, 2015

Not Cookie Cutter

While Kitty and I were having dinner together, I explained my friendship with Zero.  About how he's a very natural beta type personality, and sees me as his alpha, which is why I'm usually the person with him when he tries going somewhere.  Kitty remarked that he doesn't see me as an alpha type, because I've always acted as a sidekick in his eyes.

And with him, yes, I've always been there right next to him helping.  I'm an extra set of hands, because he is motivated, and driven, but sometimes needs that unspoken coordination of a well oiled machine.

I strive not to be the alpha who simply marches around wanting to be in charge, but rather one that does what is necessary to build up, and inspire those I care about.  It's not a matter of power exchange, although that can become part of it, but rather a small part of the service which shows that I care about someone.

Lux needs someone who can make decisions sometimes.  Someone who will kick him in the butt, keep his thoughts straight, and inspire ideas.  At the end of the day, he's in charge, but if left to his own devices, more often than not, he'll choose to snuggle and play video games, rather than doing things we both know he'd enjoy and get more out of.

Zero needs someone present to make him do things.  He becomes reclusive and loses out on seeing things that would inspire him, or getting that mental escape from routine, and his own thoughts.  I step in to be in charge, and he relaxes, and shines.

It's not at all a case where I'm putting myself in the lead because I need to be.  I want people standing next to me.  To build them up to where we become greater together, rather than one standing on the other, for selfish gain. 

I'm here to see those I care about thrive, and I do what is necessary to make that happen.  That job is different for everyone, and being an alpha means being able to change and adapt with each and remain myself in the process.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

Accidents happen

Long ago, back in my teenage years I was pretty self aware, though less than I am now.  More of a sociopath, without the proper channeling, used it often as a weapon rather than an aid.

I dated a few boys in my teens, and none of them lasted very long.  To be honest, I would tell myself that I'd been single for a while, and find a boy to date to shut everyone up.  These were boys I had very little attachment to, and hadn't really been friends with beforehand.  After a few weeks, they'd be gone, usually because they couldn't understand how cold and overly logical I tend to be.

And through all but my first boyfriend, Kitty was there.  He was my best friend through it all, and I've felt the exact same about him since I was 16.  Often, when people would see he and I out together, they'd ask if we were dating, or something similar.  I'd laugh, say that he has a girlfriend at home, I have a boyfriend, but that he was way more important.  We wouldn't fool around during those shorter relationships (even though it was hard to keep from doing so sometimes) but he was still someone I talked to everyday, and told everything to.  Someone who made me smile just by holding his hand, and knowing who I was at the time, wasn't going to risk losing that by actually dating him.

And then I got into my relationship with the gnome, which was right around when Kitty was getting married.  And we saw how that lasted.  Then Thrax, far too soon out of the breakup, and into another unhealthy situation.  And all those times, when Kitty appeared, and we'd talk, I felt exactly the same.  The same attachment and affection I had as a teenager.  I thought that was just what best friends felt like.  And, damn, if they ever feel like something different, I'm pretty sure they're doing it wrong.

And then Lux comes around, and our friendship moves slowly and comfortably.  There's time to learn each other, rather than just throwing ourselves into things.  And, feels happen.  Very similar feels, that eventually help accidental dynamics to come about, and build a solid, healthy relationship, void of titles, and without the need for there to really be any.

Then Kitty comes back, and needs me to be an important and healthy part of his life again.  I'm overjoyed, and at first, I clearly feel that difference between my feels.  One is my best friend, and the other is a primary partner.  They have very different roles, and I should be attached to both of them.

Well, jokingly, after my weekend with Kitty, I asked if we counted as being long term partners.  He said the term partner felt a little less affectionate than how we are, but he does consider us in a long term relationship.

Can you accidentally poly?  I'm pretty sure I just managed. 

Perhaps through all those relationships, I had real feels for Kitty, and not anyone else.  I rebounded off him when he left, and only when I found another healthy dynamic did real feels occur for someone else.  Which is why I've always thought I was monoamorous.  Because I was rebound crushing on one person at a time, rather than actually waiting to find real feels, and determine the difference.

Maybe Kitty was right when he said that I make good choices when I stick to my actual type.  Because somehow, I've managed to accidentally poly and have two wibblywobbly relationships with both the most amazing, and healthy people to ever be in my life.  They're both long distance, but I don't care.  They're too important for that to have any impact.

And, dear gods it makes me nervous.  They both make me incredibly happy, and I want to be able to balance the two of them and build upon the wonderful things they have.  I've never had to consider balancing more than one whatever it is before.  And just figuring out that I'm apparently polyamorous at all is this weird thing that I need to come to grips with.

Feels are weird.  But I'm going to do what I can to be the best possible for myself, and the important people I keep with me.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Kittybox

Last weekend was my first time seeing Kitty in far too many years.  And it was probably something close to being out of a storybook.  We were best friends that were a hair away from a very serious relationship for reasons on both sides.  We were the support structure for each other, and even though we'd bash heads once in a while, it was because we simply hadn't learned to communicate properly with each other, and shortly after, we'd be back to our snuggly giggly normal.

Falling back into what had so naturally was almost surreal.  Like time apart didn't matter, and even though we had these experiences without the other there, it didn't affect us at all.  The only difference I noticed was us not holding hands constantly, but we took every possible chance to snuggle and hug and have all the little affectionate touches that help us both.

While we threw around a bunch of ideas of things to do, we wound up wandering Philly, babbling about random things, and going right back to where we were.  I was surprised that even my speech patterns fell into what they used to do with him.  Hugs were as comforting as they've ever been, and he brought out every bit of my snark.

We talked about everything.  Our past, hobbies, random thoughts, what we are now, and it just flowed.  It was fantastic, and more often than not, we smiled through the entire thing.  At one point we tried to figure out how to explain whatever it is we have together, and just couldn't put a correct term on it.  Much like Lux, we have this weird thing where it has everything a healthy relationship should have, but no titles or actual definition.  The only difference is that Kitty is far more long term at this point. 

And yes, I realize I have a type, and that Lux and Kitty are incredibly similar.  At one point I joked that my healthiest relationships are the ones I never really dated.  He also said that when I stick to my type, I tend to make good decisions though.

They both made the same dopey grin at this line.  Oh, I have a type, and I like it.

It was weird, and fantastic, and has me giddy and inspired.  At one point we were stopped and asked when we were getting married.  We laughed in their face, and afterwards sat and giggled about it.  While we've never had titles, we've always been close.  He said maybe simply claiming hetero life mates, which is probably the best thing we could describe it as.  He's been an important person in my life for longer than anyone else, and for nearly half my life at this point.  With how things are going, that could be accurate, but I seriously doubt we'll ever be primaries or have any sort of serious romantic thing.

I also had to think of how to explain Lux.  Who is simple enough to explain in a kink sense of being my primary and my domlyperson, but even though he's found a box he feels comfortable in, and will be in my life and important to me for a very long time, we have no real way to explain that space.

After we were done wandering on Saturday, Kitty tried to actually figure out my pain tolerance.  The joint locks and pressure points that worked on his other partners, putting them on the floor, didn't make me flinch.  He realized that in order to actually hurt me, he has to work.  I told this to Lux later, and his response was simply "No shit, Sherlock". 

Kitty settled with being able to bite me, and try to lift me off the bed.  He also discovered any really fleshy parts are clear to punch without remorse, and I'm now covered in bruises.  We also wound up having sex, which was fun, and while I felt unsure about it going into the weekend, it felt right at the time, and definitely relaxed us both after.

When we started saying goodbye, he told me to ask Lux to visit and give me a hug.  I think it was the only time I listened to him all weekend.  Lux did show up though, so I got to see and hug both the most important people in my life.

This weekend made me realize exactly how lucky I am for the people in my life, and how I wish I knew exactly how to express how grateful I am for it.


Sunday, November 08, 2015

Comfort

The weekend of Halloween was hectic to say the least.  While at the beast's parade at school, my mother tripped on the blacktop, and wound up breaking her wrist.  Which means I've had to take over everything for a house where I'm treated like complete shit.

Now, it's rather obvious that for me service is a form of affection.  It's how I show I care, and it comes naturally, and near effortlessly for those I'm close to.

For environments like the one I live in aren't the case for this though.  It's psychologically similar to having to fuck a stranger at gunpoint on camera while being ordered about the whole time if the person were vanilla.  And while that sounds dramatic, it's honest.

Luckily, I hade Lux here over the weekend, who provided me much needed snuggles the entire time he was here.  He could tell how off I was, and kept being sure to hug me and make me smile.  It was such a tremendous help, and without him there, I would have been a total mess.

Yes, I know it sounds simple, but it's all I needed.  Someone to just be there, not barking orders, but still keeping me on track, and just being aware of the state I'm in.  It's something so few people manage, and I'm incredibly grateful for when it does happen.  It's given me drive through the week, and made me feel better about stepping up to everything going on.

There are times when power exchange is a comfort, and this is one of them.  Luckily, I have a wonderful domlydom to keep me in check, whether he's aware or not.


Thursday, November 05, 2015

Pushing

So, one of my oldest friends has in the last couple years decided that he wants to open his relationship into a poly dynamic.  He is interested in the idea of a closed poly situation, where the larger number of partners becomes almost like a supportive net instead of only having one partner to go to.

And in all of these years since, he's yet to actually put out the effort to try and find a third.  He has no experience with polyamory, other than the concept, and things he reads. 

I happen to follow one of his blogs, and with regular consistency he posts all this pro-poly stuff.  And that's cool.  I have no issue with it.  But what I don't like is when he starts reposting things that regularly put poly situations above mono ones.  Saying that monogamous, or monoarmorous dynamics are inferior or wrong.  To spout this when he's been stubborning through an emotionally abusive relationship with one partner for over a decade now, is basically his way of saying he'd rather stay with a situation no one else is going to want to go near, than actually try and find this closed poly ideal.

No dynamic is better than any other one in the grand scale.  Some people are meant for one devoted partner through their lives, some never have a serious partner, but a dozen casual ones.  It doesn't make either one better.  I mean, hell, I'm monoamorous.  I have feels for one person at a time.  That's it.  Even if I have other play partners or important people in my life, there is only ever feels for one person.  It's not society pushing for that, just how I'm wired. I'm not hiding anything, or just haven't met the right people.  This is how my brain reacts.  And there's nothing wrong with that.

And I have no issue with poly folk.  Anyone who has the ability to balance and juggle feels and relationships with multiple people at once get credit from me.  Even Lux is poly, and has always balanced myself with whoever else is around rather well.  It is a very comforting thing that makes for a happy dynamic, and that's wonderful.

Shitting on something and glorifying the concept of something else that you have no real world experience with isn't cool though.  Considering he has no idea how he'll even feel about it if it were to happen, that's where the problem is.


Sunday, November 01, 2015

Life is Strange

So, a while ago I was watching the end of a game.  One of those story style games where you choose what your character says or does, and the actions and story around you are molded by your choices. 

The basic plot is that you are a girl at an art school in her home town.  You decide to go there so you can find your old best friend again, after being apart for a few years.  Another girl has gone missing, and so you're trying to find out about that, and discover that you have the ability to rewind time.

And when you meet your bestie again, and constantly throughout the story, you're saving her from dying.  You do everything you can, and even in the last episode of the game, you spend half the time rewriting the entire story just to save her.

And then the final decision comes.  As you watch a storm destroying your home town, you stand hand in hand with the one person who knows you, and has been there the entire time, and you have to decide whether to go back and let her die where she was in the very beginning of the game, or let the town get destroyed, and keep the person you love most.

The playthrough I watched first sacrificed the town.  So, of course, I had to see the other ending.  Which shows you sitting huddled in a dorm bathroom listening to your best friend getting shot, and not being able to make a sound.  Having to explain to her parents that there was no way to stop it. 

Needless to say, it's one of few things that'll give me feels.

Because dear gods, I would let the world burn before I'd ever let anything happen to the important people in my life.  It may be considered selfish, but I don't care.  There are only so many people I'll ever actually be lucky to have in my life, and I never want to lose them. 

I'm slightly protective, if you haven't guessed.  And while I don't get quite so attached very often, when I do it's with everything I have.  I'm the type that goes into a bloodrage when anyone attacks those I care about, purposefully or otherwise.

I'm very aware of who is worth keeping in my life, and so many people wear masks now, or avoid being close, or treat life like it can be a lie.  The people who show up and are just themselves find a space.  A space where it just feels like they should be, and I would never do anything to remove them from that place.