A New Devious Chapter

There were many times over the course of my time with Kitty that he seemed unsure, and uncomfortable with trying to figure out us.  People would ask about our dynamic, and he had no idea how to answer, where I absolutely could say one way or another. And yes, it's been a long time since we've had the idea of where things sit between us.  Time where he has lost track of what I'm comfortable with, what I've done, and how I play.  It's caused him to be incredibly reticent about things, which leaves me unsure of how he feels. I've never stopped being absolutely comfortable with him, and so anything that I felt safe and interested in doing with him over the years, is still the case on my end.  Distance and time hasn't changed how I feel about him, or the trust we've built.  However, given that Lux and I try to reset our negotiations every few years, Kitty and I are likely overdue as well. Taking care of relationships is often the aspect of doing mainten

My birthday was the start of an invasion of people while at Kitty's place.  Something that started quiet, and while never got insane, was certainly a pile of people.  During the day, I went about making lots of little things happen, while Pyre worked.  At one point I took a break, and actually spoke with her therapist to help answer questions, and give him a better understanding of how our polycule works.  It was very interesting to see him try to wrap his head around it as a concept, and affirming in many ways, to see him happy with how we work, and the healthy dynamic that Pyre and I have. People started showing, and Kitty got home, and while he didn't have time to let his brain relax, was certainly being more affectionate than he had been some previous days.  We made silly jokes, and the night ended with him bringing me so much laughter that I had to be careful due to having a brownie at the same time. So while Lux wasn't there, this was everything else I had wante

Having been down at Kitty's for a couple of days, it is incredibly noticeable the amount of change from last month, and even since talking to him the slightest bit.  Most of base level need is taken care of, regardless of having not even told him what any of it is.  It's still odd though, being asked about wants.  A strange tiptoeing vibe on his end, of not knowing where we sit after time of not cultivating things has left a strange existence for our relationship, and we need to figure out where we are now, in order to grow and move further. On the same hand, being asked about wants in the abstract remains difficult.  I find myself needing to fight the thoughts that I am not allowed to want, because of the consequences.  That I need to do without because it'll just result in an empty promise.  That it'll be used against me later.  That I'll just be told no because even simple needs are too much. I realize that even though I've had years of space from these

Coming out of the last visit to see Kitty, and up to this one, I had brought to him a few things we needed to talk about, and he agreed.  One of which was him saying that he wanted to go over the actual parameters of our relationship, what it included, and what that meant.  As well, in a way to make that easier, things like wants and needs from us both. And, that's incredibly hard for me.  I've never taken the time to create outlines for my relationships.  They were things that developed organically, with their own rules and cautions that came about with time.  I dislike the idea of putting a relationship into a box of expectation.  I suppose for some people it makes things easier, but life gets in the way, makes things exist in flux, and so aspects of relationships constantly change. I've also up until now been in states where my words held weight in relationships.  Where my wants and needs mattered, and where me speaking up wasn't met with attacks, gaslighting,

The weekend of my birthday is supposed to be another gathering at Kitty's place.  The one thing I wanted for my birthday, an unofficial thing happening of just that.  While I'm not trying to push my birthday in anything going on, I'm more than a little happy that I'm getting the simple thing I do want, even if all the people I want to spend it with will likely not be present. Squishy left earlier this week though, and that would give me a week and a half of being home without her.  A week and a half that I had hoped initially would be spent with Lux, celebrating both our birthdays together, and finally seeing each other after yet more months of distance.  To help him make this new place into a home. Before I can even consider the risk of seeing him though, he needs more time in quarantine, having just come back from traveling to take care of family matters.  As much as in many ways these things look like selfish acts, we really are all keeping safety in mind.  A str

I posted on here several times about the touch starvation caused by lockdown.  The odd dreams, and the way it affected my mental state through everything else going on.  One of the things I needed with the last invasion was an end to that lack of touch, which is why Lux encouraged contact. And like with most things, I only needed a little bit.  A handful of truly heartfelt hugs, and I felt everything lighten up. With it, the touch starvation I was dealing with was sated, so even though I may have wanted more, what I needed was taken care of. And brought me to my baseline.  Which meant back to wanting all the sex constantly.  Even before I left to head home, I noticed my sex drive hit like a brick as it returned to normal, no longer needing to be put aside and barter for smaller contact. It's a good thing to feel this way again, honestly.  As irritating as it is to still not have a way to fix it, it's good to not feel overwhelmed out of just needing a hug.  It's a we

Shortly after I arrived at Kitty's house, I was bringing my things in, and trying to decide where I was sleeping.  When I left the room that was initially suggested for me to stay in, Kitty was standing in the hallway, saying that he wasn't sure about things like hugs, and I could see the conflict in his face, even with a mask on. I told him that I was prepared for the risk he came with, and it was his decision.  After continuing to waffle, he nearly flung himself forward to hug me, and we both teared up, a little overwhelmed with everything happening.  Bandaid ripped off, and feeling the relief of not only seeing each other, but getting to hug for the first time in a year. Over the weekend, while not actively showing affection in front of each other, there were many hugs, which we both needed.  There was a lot of the back and forth that only we have, bouncing off of each other in such an energetic way, which kept everyone entertained. Saturday night, when almost everyone

I didn't get to have camp this year, but I very nearly had the next best thing.  The invasion that we planned, albeit for many reasons, created the sort of environment that I had needed from camp, without the risk of hundreds of people all having sex on top of each other. Everyone didn't even show up who had planned to, which made the entire thing a small gathering of safe people, with as few risk for issues as possible. We all worked together to try and take care of everything, and were all happy to do so.  It was obvious how much we all needed this, and it created an environment to bring us all closer, while getting the bit of relaxation we needed.  Throughout the weekend, things kept happening in reflection of where we are mentally.  While everyone was having cups done outside, no one could deal with it.  During harder conversations, people had to walk away and process.  I had to remind everyone at one point or another that we were all compromised given the situation. 

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else. Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me?  My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me.  She also suggested talking to