A New Devious Chapter

Tonight starts the Jewish new year, and honestly, it couldn't be better timed.  I've been thinking a lot about my mental state, and how I want to give myself the kick in the ass for more positive thoughts and processes.  Making steps to work towards it, and push myself away from things that I know will only perpetuate the negative brain space. It's convenient in a way.  I get to claim an extra new year.  An extra time to start over.  That landmark we all use to decide that it's the time to grow as people, and make ourselves better. And, I'm not using this on purpose, but it is amusing how that timing worked out. So, go have apples and honey.  Go tell people you care about them, and go figure out something you can do to better yourself.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned recently, that my parents were going to be out of town earlier this week.  Well, Lux didn't make it down for the visit to take advantage of the time, but I did what I could to make the most of it, which I'll discuss in the coming weeks. I did however, try to get as much done every day as I could, which included going out of my way to take care of the house however I could anticipate.  Squishy even commented on how much she liked the quiet of them being gone, and how involved she felt in the day when she got home. My parents called, and were talking to Squishy as they were on the way home.  She was talking about all the things we had done, and my mom asked why I was so much nicer when they were gone. When the call ended, Squishy repeated it all, as kids do, and I pointed out that it's a lot easier to be in a good mood, and do more, and go out of the way to do things when I don't have two people spending every day telling me I

I remember when I first started really getting into the scene, long long ago, all the domly doms wanted to be called "Sir".  It was the standard honorific for dynamics, and super commonplace.  We put emphasis on these super serious committed and collared exchanges, like it was the ideal dynamic. And now, fast forward to the last year or so, and I notice things are very different.  Now, more often than not, I hear everyone using "Daddy" instead.  It's become likely the most common title for domly doms that I see and hear. It makes me think about why I don't use it with Lux.  On top of it not feeling correct for our dynamic given our sort of power exchange, I've been exploring my own personal issues with the term. Daddy feels very superficial.  Like a title of impermanence, that places very circumstantial power.  It feels fleeting, and far less committed, much like how vanilla dating and relationships have become.  To make these very surface connecti

Lately, I've been thinking about my brainspace.  Why exactly I've hit this point that I have, where my mental state is as poor as it has been. And one of the biggest thing I think about is all the things I can't seem to pick up, which I know bring me some sort of positivity.  How I put down so many things that I had made growth with.  How slowly, over time, I've curled up in this ball of horrible cycles, negative thoughts, and complacency. It took me far too long to realize that while I'm in a shitty state for many many reasons, I haven't done enough to make it better. I haven't done enough to create change. And change won't happen in my mind, growth won't occur, and I won't get out of this dark little ball unless I make it happen. Time to kick myself in the ass, and make some change.

There was a good amount of traveling over the summer, which inspired a lot of writing, and kept everyday life off of this blog for a bit. Welp, we've had a lot of everyday life going on, and a bit less adventure, so it's time for a general update. Squishy has started a new school, which starts an hour earlier than her old one.  It means a change in morning routine for she and I, and it's been going fairly well, but is still not the easiest yet.  Overall, she's enjoying the new school, and getting to meet new kids, which is great news. I am rebuilding a project I had made for Dansa earlier this year.  It didn't fit as intended, so I tore half of it apart, and I'm fixing it to fit differently with the rest of the yarn she had given me a while back.  Hopefully I have enough yarn with the changes. My parents are going out of town to visit a friend next weekend, which means a bit of a mess while I keep reminding them of everything to do in the short amount of

Recently I was finishing up yet another larger crochet piece.  I thought about how often I joke that all of my art and creativity is based in masochism.  Most people agree with me. And I think about how self harm exists as a way to express pain, anguish, depression.  A poorly focused attempt to find relief and catharsis.  We try to stop people from doing this, villifying it and making it something people should simply put down. Honestly, I've tried self harm exactly once.  I cut myself on the leg, and looked at the blood on my leg.  I stared at it for a moment before asking myself why people did that, because it had absolutely no effect on me.  Never tried it again. At the same time, we take pride in masochists who use pain as a way to process.  We appreciate them, and encourage bottoms who will play with the intention of processing the things that happen in their lives. And yes, that's a bit backwards in many ways, that we celebrate one direction, but try to remove the

I mentioned while talking about my visit with Lux about how he was a bit put off by how long we've been together.  How instead of looking at the obvious, we should celebrate what we've accomplished in that time together. Well, Lux went to camp, and got to really examine the rest of his side of the polycule.  Seeing that they talk about being oversaturated, but still take on partners.  That they run to others with issues instead of communicating with the partner they need to fix something with.  Lack of communication, and just a poorly juggled mess of space and questionable mental safety. He noticed people not actually acknowledging their needs, but running from them.  Treating symptoms and not problems.  Playing with tons of people but not spending the time to bond beyond that rush of brain chemicals induced by sensation. It reminded me of Lux talking about his fears and discomforts.  And it made me laugh. Because that polycule reflected that fear.  Spread thin, both to

I would like to think that I've worked my way past a good sized chunk of what I've dealt with in my life.  Much of the abuse and manipulation and gaslighting and all other forms of shit that's been pushed my way. But, damn, this summer has had some of it creeping up that creates a hell of a brain cycle. Every once in a while I've put thought into why Fusion was so hard on me.  Over time, I've definitely been able to pick it apart a bit more. Overall this summer, with everything going on, I'm feeling very insecure.  Like I'm just an obligation.  Being brought along because people feel like they have to, rather than want to.  And the lack of time when with people when nothing else is happening doesn't help that.  Lack of time spent with others just because they want to see me.  Lack of play outside of events when they feel like they might as well because of the venue.  Lack of desire shown in the same way as it is with others. After Fusion I told

The ride home from Lux was far more smooth than the ride up to his place.  I think the world needed to give me that difficult one so I can appreciate the smoother trips.  The train was calm and quiet, and I got in a bit early, with plenty of time to head from one station to another, so I could catch the next bus home.  A bus that was late showed up a few minutes once I got to my gate, which meant I could catch one about twenty minutes earlier than planned.  It would however, be packed full. Having dealt with much worse recently, I gladly hopped on, grabbing one of the last window seats.  Next to me sat, in one of the last open seats, was this very nice Korean woman.  She was quiet for a while, then offered me candy to start conversation. Yup, I'm an adult and took candy from a stranger.  I did see her pop one into her mouth first, because I'm notoriously careful.  We spoke on and off for a handful of back and forth a few times, until I pulled out my crochet.  Then not onl