A New Devious Chapter

 We knew that Squishy had a long weekend, and so initially we were planning to have him visit for a couple of days, then we would do the long weekend out his way.  He then decided that he wanted a break away from the house and for us to spend the time at my place, but we would do one night at his parents, so that we could still go to the doctor and have Friday dinner. And at first things were great, with Rabbit finding a new guitar, which meant that I got to enjoy the sound of it, and have lots of time together.  We made our way out to his parents, and enjoyed an evening with them, and woke up Saturday morning.  As we went downstairs, we heard the news on, and found out about everything going on where his family is.  We were worried, and trying to hear from everyone to know they were safe.  The conversation needed to happen about trying to find space for whoever felt they needed to come over if they couldn't stay safe out there. Because it was still part of...

 I wasn't back for long, and the state that I was in before rushing off to Rabbit's came right back.  Just after getting home was my sister's birthday, and I had to do everything for it, because no one else knew how.  While I was in the middle of putting that together, I let Oliver out, and he got some baby birds, so while cooking, the old man was yelling at me for not being outside with him.  As though I could do both.  That day didn't get much easier, but in the following days, things got worse.   My parents were treating me like I had to be constantly doing six things for them at all times, without any real break.  At the same time, I was trying to get Squishy through the end of summer, and the first days of school, and try to keep up with all my stores and channels.  To top it off, Rabbit has things going on at home that I was helping maintain, but I wasn't able to completely solve them, and now he's unable to keep up with the maintenance...

 Rabbit comes by for at least one night a week, so we can spend time together.  Where many weeks, we wind up with fun plans of things we want to share with each other, some weeks are just for relaxing.  Last week was supposed to just be calm and quiet before holidays hit, but we decided on some short errands anyway. He got caught up talking with my father after Squishy left for school, and because that seemed to be eating up a lot of our morning, I opted to head upstairs when they went to the basement, and grab a quick rinse.  I took what honestly felt like a normal length shower just for a quick wash, got out, and started assembling myself.  While brushing my teeth, I heard the doorknob, saw the door crack, then heard the saddest sounds as it closed again.  Rabbit was hoping he would make it into the bathroom with enough time for us to shower together, but alas, was too slow. I finished putting myself together, making sure to have time to brush his hair, a...

 When I got home, while Rabbit's now ex had finally moved out, he didn't have a lot of time to process.  I was there for a good few days, and he had work, but he wound up with the full weekend off.  And that first day, at a certain point, I get a message saying that things started to hit.  That suddenly all the change, and the realization of how dark things got, and how much of himself he sacrificed over the last few years. So I gave him patience, and presence, and the understanding of someone who has been in those spaces.  I gave him the space to sit, and process, and get himself past some of the initial hit. And then a few days later, I had something happen.  Something that tore me apart, caused me to spin, and made me feel far more broken than I had in a long time.  I was typing with a handful of people, but knew Rabbit was asleep, so while I sent one message, I didn't expect a response.  He eventually woke up, saw it, and called me.  When...

 Last month had that one week of the year where I keep losing people.  The anniversary of Frankie, and numerous others. And while I was doing my rewatch of Buffy, I got to the musical episode.  Something I had been looking forward to from the moment I decided to do the rewatch.  It didn't quite work as intended though.  What started off as me singing along loudly, quickly turned into a thought spiral.   Last year, Felix passed away.  Right in the beginning of the pandemic, when it was one thing and another, without the time to process any of it.  And as much as I made some comments about him when it would come up in conversation, I never really took the time to sit with losing him.  Suddenly, I was singing along to something he and I shared together.  We would randomly full songs together, had plans to do with that episode, and felt true joy when singing together.  And in a moment, I went to gleeful, to confronting the fact tha...

 I found myself missing people the other day.  Missing Felix, and Frankie, people who left, and people who tore themselves away.  I miss the connections we had, whether the ones we'd built, or the ones we intended to. And perhaps it's the time of year.  Next month marks seventeen years since Frankie passed away, and with all the shadowcasts of Rocky Horror happening for Halloween, I can't help but think of Felix, after he spent the majority of his life doing it.   It makes me a little sad, especially after spending a weekend with Puppy after so long.  If he and I could get back to the friendship we had in twenty four hours, but with far more maturity and knowledge that we'd gained during the years apart, it makes me wonder what I would have with any of them.  If it was for the best that they're gone, or we drifted apart, or if either of us just needed to grow a little more. Interestingly enough, I am well enough adjusted with this to not miss peop...

 I'm fried. Since coming home from my trip to see Lux, only a couple of days after I got home, I've had more and more piled onto me that's put my stress levels through the roof.  Squishy has been behaving similarly to last summer, with some even worse things happening, and the gnome is just now realizing what she was doing, reacting poorly toward her which is making things worse, and now minimizing what I dealt with because he had to deal with a whole week at a shot of her being difficult. My parents have been horrendous lately.  I've been trying to manage things happening, and reminding my mother of dates and things that need to be done, and she's either not giving an answer to things until the last minute (then getting upset when someone can't make it to something), or completely ignoring time and what is happening when.  It's made harder because where I can take things on to help, and have generally done so, I need this information from her in order to kn...

 As soon as Squishy left for her first span of time with the gnome this summer, the old man had a massive blowup towards me.  I never even said a full sentence to him, and tried to be calm, and he wound up screaming so that the room shook, saying things with a clearly malicious intent.  Without going into much more detail about it, the situation was bad enough that while I was in tears outside, afraid to go into my own home, Oliver was pacing in front of me watching the door to the house guarding me. Later that night, after I had informed my mom what happened, he came into my room and said he was sorry.  While shrugging, he just said "We were exchanging words and it got heated". I had nothing to say on the matter.  I couldn't tell him it was alright, or anything like that, because it wasn't.  His actions are constantly in line with that behavior, and only escalating.  Not only that, but what he had said just showed that he wasn't even aware of what had...

 At the end of summer, something happened that changed a lot of things for Kitty.  It caused him to be rather upset for a few days while I was there, but also made it so that Pyre had the chance to stay with him a bit longer.  The thing was, we didn't know the timeline on that change. Because it's me, my mind started in on quite a few ideas.  Having the chance to take advantage of these change of plans, and create some things that would potentially make the polycule as a whole happy.  I didn't tell anyone though, because things were in the air. Unfortunately, now I won't get to. That timeline is coming to an end soon, and it's causing a lot of shake up on things.  Pyre is a bit of a mess trying to juggle everything going on, and making a plan to get out.  And likewise, I now need to be aware that the chances I have to travel down there are probably no longer an option. And while I know I can get by without these things, and that I don't need time out w...

 The last couple of weeks have had a huge downturn in my mental state.  Both the situations with Squishy, and some other smaller things have caused my mood, motivation, and mental health to be on a continuous downward slope. It's caused me to not be able to get everything done that I've wanted to during the day, which of course makes me feel worse.   I'm trying to make myself tackle things in bite sized amounts.  Any progress is still progress, and so long as I'm managing through each thing on my daily list, it means things are being accomplished. As much as I can, I'm trying to enforce self care.  I'm trying to get back to working out regularly.  I'm trying to eat healthier things, and doing loose calorie tracking, just to get an idea of how it affects me.  Just getting back to working out more often though, has managed to create a bit of an upturn, that I always forget happens.  Even during the start of my cycle, which normally results in m...

While this wasn't the easy, joyous trip I may have wanted, there was still a lot of good from it.  Time with the people I care about, trying to build and rebuild connection.  Time to be silly, and get things done.  Trying new things, and helping make experiences. And that means that coming home, without the knowledge of when I'll see any of them again, came with some drop.  Which meant a couple of days of feeling like I just couldn't get into routine again.  Didn't want to do the things I knew I should, and forcing myself, only because I knew it would mean I would be swamped if I didn't. Along with that, we're trying to get Squishy ready for school again, and she isn't doing the best with things.  It's creating even more stress and anxiety for me, which compounds with drop.  To top it off, my parents went right back to abusive gaslighting tactics with me, and within 48 hours of being home, threatened to kick me out. I'm trying to get back to ...

It's been many years since Lux first moved to the area where he is right now.  I remember how anxious I was about it, afraid that this connection I had just made would fall apart, and I would never see him again.  Whether from my own stubbornness, his, or something else altogether, that didn't happen, and I'm grateful for it. Despite the pandemic, Lux is preparing another move.  His current job allows him to move more or less anywhere he wants, so long as there is an airport within reasonable distance.  And so he's decided that this move will be a bigger one, and he'll be changing states again, from north of me, to south. And honestly, he'll wind up having near the same length drive to get to here, and I'll have the same amount of travel as well.  On paper, for the most part, things should stay the same, and while they aren't perfect, they are something we are used to. I can't help but panic a little though.  Where Lux is moving, he'll have...

While I was riding on those fumes after getting the news about Felix, I was grasping just to get through the day.  I went to shower before getting ready for bed, and while there, standing under the water with nothing other than my own thoughts, my brain went spinning.  And for some reason, it decided to focus on why out of everything else, I'm not really into a lot of verbal degradation.  It wasn't hard for me to figure out.  I get verbally and emotionally abused almost every day, by people who are supposed to care about me.  For as long as I can remember, and even in front of my child, I've been called everything in the book, over and again, without the option to say anything in return. I remember when I first explained how I'm treated to Kitty, and he looked at me while he was only 22 or so, and said that he was amazed I wasn't an addict.  That I wasn't taking drugs to try and get through the day with what they put me through.  And then top that ...

The end of the first week of isolation with schools closed was hard.  Teachers were difficult, parents were worse, and Squishy wasn't helping. I was already mentally compromised, and running on fumes, but trying to keep chugging along.  And then I got a call to tell me Felix, who I've mentioned here, passed away.  It was definitely a death that hit me harder than the majority have in the past. Now that I've had a day to process, it's still weird, but I'm better.  It's still weird though, hitting that point where someone who was a partner of mine is gone.  That's something that I haven't yet had to figure out mentally. It feels very strange, losing someone who never lost their infatuation with you.  That unrequited love that we never did figure out exactly how to work around.  That awkward thing we worked around because of mutual friends, and genuinely wanting to be able to figure out a friendship that made us both happy. I realized that eveni...

The week of Christmas was difficult here.  I had to deal with toxic people being toxic, and other people not paying any attention to anything going on.  I had to deal with people saying one thing and doing another.  I had to deal with things in the air, amongst everything else. And while Christmas itself was fairly quiet, everyone seemed to be in a bit of a poor mood.  I went to bed early that night, tired, and figuring an extra hour of sleep would fix everything.  As you can guess, it didn't.  I spent the night dealing with tons of physical symptoms of stress and anxiety.  Everything catching up that day, and keeping me from sleep.  The day after the holiday, I had to enlist Squishy to help take care of me and make sure I was ok because I was so exhausted. When I explained the symptoms I had dealt with to my mom, she of course asked how I could possibly have any stress, because the holiday was over.  I pointed out that I have had to ...

Lately, a lot of things haven't been going the best.  The holidays have already been a bit of a mess, as well as all the changes from what I mentioned previously.  I'm feeling a bit stagnant in a lot of ways, and it's getting to me, despite knowing I am being productive.  As well, yet another time that I thought I would get to see Lux fell through.  There's been a lot of time that I haven't gotten to spend with people for one reason or another, and may friends are busy right now with a ton of different things.  It's giving me a huge lack of security in how I feel, constantly.  It's making brainbugs kick up again, and I know it's starting to have an effect on my day to day.  And part of it is being an extrovert.  While people think extroverts are just loud boisterous people, really it's that we recharge by being with others, regardless of the behavior.  It means that this time without others, and especially only around people who constan...

One of the biggest things I've noticed with how I've been feeling, is how active my dysmorphia is.  How little I want people to see me, and how that feeling of panic over having someone take my picture has returned. I had it to a point where it wasn't terrible for a while, but in the last year or so, it's gotten bad that even having people see me in public makes me anxious, not for how I dress or my hair or anything, but for my body itself. And, I can't live like that.  I try to keep my dysmorphia from actually stopping me doing anything, but the anxiety is still there, and no one can survive with that. So long story short, Lux did way too much for me, and now I have a far better way to take photos.  With this, I've decided that I need to not only take more photos of myself, but try to take interesting ones, and post more online. And I've been doing so. It's hard.  Like, really hard. Taking pictures of myself isn't the worst, but I get ni...

Lately, I've been thinking about my brainspace.  Why exactly I've hit this point that I have, where my mental state is as poor as it has been. And one of the biggest thing I think about is all the things I can't seem to pick up, which I know bring me some sort of positivity.  How I put down so many things that I had made growth with.  How slowly, over time, I've curled up in this ball of horrible cycles, negative thoughts, and complacency. It took me far too long to realize that while I'm in a shitty state for many many reasons, I haven't done enough to make it better. I haven't done enough to create change. And change won't happen in my mind, growth won't occur, and I won't get out of this dark little ball unless I make it happen. Time to kick myself in the ass, and make some change.

Last year at camp, I met one of Pyre's favorite people in the scene.  A large man, who was incredibly intelligent, peaceful, and talented.  I could tell just in the short time we had together that there would be a solid friendship and that he was good people. A few months ago, I got myself some new boots, and realized I would need someone to tend to those, as well as my older boots which were seeing some wear.  Around the same time, Pyre started a service dynamic with this man, Owl, and said she would have him work on them.  We made up plans to meet at camp, and regardless of boot service, we would chat over coffee and enjoy some time. The week before camp, I got a call from Lux, saying that he heard of Owl's passing.  Before a real friendship could be built, the chance was gone. I was immediately worried about Pyre, more than feeling loss myself. Camp is a strange place this year, shaken and cracked.

It's officially spring. That time when everyone is coming out of their seasonal depression, and digging their feet into the new year, with a better mindspace. Unfortunately, I notice that year after year, this is the hardest time of the year for me.  This point where winter is just letting go, and things are getting warmer is when my mind is the worst.  This year, as you've guessed, is no different. The last couple weeks have been terrible for my motivation.  While I had a thousand things going on I was able to keep going consistently.  Able to balance my own projects, create things, and do for everything going on. And now that things have calmed down, even with so much coming in the near future, I'm finding it hard to get started on anything. The worst of it is that I want to do these things.  I have that desire to see them done, and now finally have the time to tackle them because I busted my ass to make time and get ahead. Yet, it's really hard fo...