A New Devious Chapter

A couple days before Christmas, Squishy was supposed to be working on some stuff, and while I needed to make a dessert, I was looking for a movie to throw on as background noise.  After not being able to find what I had wanted to watch as a free stream, and feeling lazy enough to not want to walk over the movie closet, I settled on Austin Powers, which Squishy ran from.  Unfortunately, she's had so much wonderful reinforcement from her father and my parents that she now fights the idea of anything new in any way.  Wonderful. Anyway, after about ten minutes I call her in for a dopey funny part, and she winds up glued to the movie for the duration.  As I listened though, and watched bits while baking, I noticed what was censored. See, this was my sister's favorite movie for a long time.  I saw it in theatres, and we all had the movie memorized for a long time.  I am very familiar with every moment of this movie, and every little change. And oh, was there a lot of changes.

Yet another one of those wonderful side effects of the holidays is something I've been seeing a lot of lately.  How we feel alone over this time of year, and have that obligation and craving for some sort of companionship.  The season that creates that need for presence, especially in those may be unpartnered, whether out of familial pressure, or simple social expectation. And because we as a society do not encourage acknowledging the bonds of friends, or non-romantic connections in our lives, many many people tend to look toward the people of their past for companionship this time of year. Unfortunately, in many cases, it means people reconnecting with those who had previously proved themselves to be toxic.  But because loneliness is so digging for many people, they still go back to them, and cling to the bits of attention they get. And yes, seeing that written makes it look like such a silly and dumb idea, but it's incredibly common.  We don't create a situation tha

Last week I had one last trip to the doctor to make sure my new IUD was settled into the right spot, and hadn't migrated at all. All the appointments with this office start with a patient interview in an office, to gather any medical information necessary before the procedures involved, this way the actual exam rooms don't stay in use for longer than necessary. So I have my vitals taken, and we sit in this office, and I start just talking.  Comfortably.  About whatever is needed, and giving details from there.  The nurse, who didn't believe that I was thirty, told me that she was relieved with how comfortable I was with speaking and sharing information.  Nothing was censored, or caused an anxious response.  I was really happy to hear how appreciative she was about it, but didn't really like that it's such a rare thing. And speaking of rare things, I told the nurse that my old paragard had given me absolutely no issues, and I had kept it until a few months befo

Apparently, we're in the middle of a thing right now. Something I don't even normally think about, or remember exists. Apparently "break-up season" is a thing, and we're right inside it.  I saw that some immense percentage of breakups happen within two weeks of either Christmas, or Valentine's day.  And while I admit to having caused a Valentine's day massacre in the past when I kicked out the gnome, I never realize how common a thing this is. And I wonder why it's so much of a thing.  Is it the fear of awkward holidays?  The stress of  this time of year causing issues that already exist to become unbearable?  The strange frequency of cheating the occurs at holiday parties? Somehow, what is supposed to be a happy time of year to bring us together and show appreciation, is the perfect storm of scenarios to tear people apart.  Strange how that happens. It's weird to be so distanced from this though.  To have happy dynamics, where I look for

There was something Lux said when I was visiting with him, and it stuck with me apparently, for a bit. We often talk about the things people around us do, and their habits, or actions.  Toxic behaviors, or closed minded ideas. And while speaking about this, we mentioned how often we look at these things, the common response is how we don't want to do these things.  That we don't want to grow into this kind of person. What we don't do though, is talk about the kind of person we do want to turn into. Now, I do very frequently say that I aspire to become a crotchety old man (and many people will say I'm already there) but that is very different. We don't talk about how we want to cultivate safety.  To speak of wanting to be honest, and just.  We don't mention how we want to be open, and thinking, and growing always.  So many good things that we simply never mention. Perhaps because they should be common sense.  Unfortunately, common sense isn't al

I've been thinking a lot about the things I want to do in the future. Plans for the next couple weeks before the holidays. Things I want to do in the next year. Things I just want to do. I may finally be at the point where I want to write out a bucket list.  Something I never really felt the drive to do, because I refused to want.  After feeling so much disappointment over other things in my life, I didn't like the idea of dreaming toward things only to be left without.  In some ways though, I am taking more control of my life again, and that is helping me to want to do more. Speaking of which, I'm thinking about how I want to expand beyond my art.  I have plans for more books in the future, and I don't think that's going to slow down anytime soon, there has been this persistent idea in my head to start some sort of video content.  Both general vlogs, and talking about all manner of kink, gender, sexuality and such as it becomes a relevant topic with life.

Oliver is very much a timid dog.  While he can often be a bit outspoken, I often call him a weenie, as he will constantly hide behind me, looking for me to protect him. But just as often, whenever I have him on the leash outside, and even when just standing in the house or the yard, he plops his butt on my feet.  Sitting tall and proud, looking out while keeping my toes warm. It's a gesture of territorial affection.  Him sitting there saying I'm his person, and showing me off as I stand over him. It makes me reflect on how his behaviors as a pup don't differ all that much from people.  Especially so in kink dynamics. There are often times when I will sit on the floor, just because I want to, and then lean onto Lux's leg.  I don't feel like I have to, but it's my way to snuggle without getting in the way, and creates a definite visible gesture to our power exchange. And never do I feel like I have to sit there, or like I'm ashamed to.  I ch

To continue with what I spoke about on Sunday, I read a handful of other blogs somewhat regularly.  Most of those are food blogs, because I'm a food nerd, and enjoy cooking and baking, and trying new things. I've found that this time of year, probably because they are also busy and can't be doing every cooking, lots of collection type posts.  Some of these are useful, but something I notice is present in these, and everywhere else for that matter, is gift guides.  These generalized lists of things in categories to get for loved ones. And every time I see them, I get a bit upset. These lists are always so generic.  If this person likes these things buy this.  If they do this, buy this.  Very calculated, cold, simple, unfeeling. I always find a lot of care in picking out gifts for people.  It's a personal thing, whether something I make, or find.  Whatever I had over to someone, told me that it belonged to them.  And sometimes these things are small and simple, an

Today we're celebrating Channukah here.  A week after Thanksgiving. Which means that in the last week I had to carry about two dozen giant ass bins that Squishy, Oliver, and I could have fit into which were all full of winter holiday decorations, bring all the fall stuff down to the basement, bake a thousand cookies, finish inking a coloring book, and get that and another book scanned to edit, and do all the shopping and gift wrapping for Channukah. Yes, I made that a hell of a run on sentence for emphasis. It's been a week of madness, and much earlier that we would normally do Channukah, for stupid reasons. However, this holiday, and how we celebrate in particular, is my favorite thing about the holidays.  Inviting everyone we know, to celebrate and give to show care and affection.  Putting together this grand gesture of acknowledgement, without expectation or obligation.  A day of food, and giving, and silly tradition. I disagree with a lot of what Christmas has tur

A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question.  I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership.  While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word.  I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself.  While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling. And that, was what Lux questioned.  Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more.  I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot.  He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few momen

After talking about the idea of sitting down for a refresh of negotiations, Lux and I had a long talk about power exchange lately.  It started with him asking about how power exchange affects me when it is more active (more on that another day, because there is enough of it) and how it translates well beyond a scene or a moment. We talked for a while about my affirming him that I wasn't after it for toxic reasons, and bringing up some of his brainbugs with why power exchange doesn't appear often in our casual day to day. He voiced his discomfort, and issues with certain things, and I started reassuring him.  The particular things that creep along in his mind, aren't really things that I need, or even really want.  I encouraged him to do things outside of those issues that I do want, so we can both be comfortable and happy. I gave a couple of examples of the past, when he's done such things, and he made a joke about my preference.  As a response, I told him that th

And now, the cop out Thanksgiving post about what I'm thankful for. This year, I am thankful for all the new things I've done. New ways to work toward independence. New adventures. New skills to learn. New ways to experience things. New furry family members. There's been a lot of new things this year, and they've definitely been helpful in a lot of ways. I am grateful for the people in my life.  The ones who show genuine care, and make me realize that even with everything that I live with, I am loved. I am grateful for my drive.  Because once I gained momentum, this year has been me working nonstop on so many things, and I'm excited for what comes next, and who I get to share it with.

Lux and I wound up having little comments about my visit.  About things regarding play and dynamics and such.  It popped into my head, and I asked, if we should sit down and do a proper renewal of negotiations.  When we first got together, we never really did much in the way of negotiations at all.  He looked through my fet writings, saw my limits, and went from there.  Then we just sort of learned each other along the way.  And while that was fantastic in the moment when we had no overly elaborate scenes planned, and wanted to build a friendship rather than just play, it may be time for a more formal revisit. We've been together for over five years, and in that time, while not much has changed in regards to limits or interests, in some ways we've gotten complacent.  We have anxiety because we haven't sat to really talk about all of those things.  As much as we don't have a routine, we often fall into the same pool of things we know we enjoy. And, it isn't bad

I'm home from Lux's now, and it was a good week, albeit difficult in many ways. Lux had a lot of stress from many sources, which kept him distracted often.  Sometimes this was his own mind just being working against him, but there were a lot of very challenging things to work through over the course of the week. I tried to take care of things where I could, and help him out over the course of the week, whether spoiling him, showing affection, or doing little helpful things. There were also lots of wonderful moments that we both enjoyed, and I'm glad we got to share.  It was definitely a week I'm happy for, because we got to have that time together again.  In many ways, Lux tried to practice more power exchange and comfort with service.  It's good to feel like we have a more present a visible exchange.  It may still just be visible to us, but that's all we need. I did find that I didn't quite have enough to work on to keep busy for his entire workda

Last Tuesday, as Lux went to take a shower before his first meeting, I went to really wake up.  Went to the kitchen, and grabbed some small breakfast.  Refilled my coffee, and grabbed my phone to scroll through bits of social media. As I scrolled through, I saw a post about a group of friends not having been together in too long.  It was written in a worrying way, so I went to look, and found that the night before they had committed suicide.  One of the people who had first taught me to play D&D, someone in the group that would cause me to meet Kitty, and likely down the line lead my life to where it is, in so many ways. I took a moment to process that.  Because even though we didn't talk for a while, he was still someone who had had space in my life at one point. And as I went back to my feed, I immediately saw something saying that it was two years since the loss of another friend.  Someone who had been newer to my life, but was genuinely good.  I had found out about hi

I may be up at Lux's right now, but a couple weeks ago, he went down past me to Maryland for a week to see some friends.  He planned on staying with a few different people, then ending the week with a Halloween party, and making the long drive all the way north. Well, he got through most of the week, and then not only did he get a bit burnt out, but something had happened that he reacted to poorly, and needed to process. And since I was the exact middle point of the trip, I offered space so he could split the drive, and be able to get away from all the people.  Having a puppy to hug would also help him. He took a while to figure out his plan, and get through what he needed to do, but where I had figured on not seeing him until my trip up here, he told me he was on the way. While he definitely needed to process, it was nice to have that quiet night together.  To put work aside that I had planned on, and catch up on the visit, and snuggle, and decompress. We joked about a l

Right now, I'm getting ready for adventure. I'm finally able to take a week to head up and visit Lux for the first time in over a year, and we're both looking forward to it. Which means soon I take a short trip to the bus station, then attempt to not get lost in NYC, and then a long train, albeit a pretty ride, up to Lux.  I'm doing things a bit differently this time, but it should work out ok. It's been way too long since I've gotten up there.  With everything going on with his family, and then how busy we were for a few months, there just wasn't the option.  This trip is going to be a bit different as well.  Lux is now with a job where he works from home most of the time, so I'll need to make sure to keep myself occupied with him there during the day, so he has the chance to work in his office, but hold him to some sort of schedule as well.  It'll be a strange balance to keep.  At the same time, Lux is looking forward to being able to go ou

Upon having my IUD replaced, I also got a full round of STD testing, which I was probably rather overdue for, but it was done, and came up as I had expected it to. While talking to Lux about it, and giving him my status, he talked about how he needed to get tested as well, and we talking about shared status, and differences in our own methods. Along with that, I've been thinking a lot about the many differences in our methods and preferences.  Nothing that involves safety mind you, we're both in heavy agreement about all of that, but many other things. Lux in general, makes decisions on his own who he plays with.  When we both know the person, we will sometimes talk about things first, but often, Lux will simply tell me that he plans on playing with someone, or even telling me about it the next day.  On the other hand, because my play is with only very rare exception with people I already know and am friends with, I make sure to check in with Lux about it ahead of time. 

In the mornings right after I put Squishy on the bus, I often sit and finish my coffee while looking through some of the articles our google overlords recommend, and being trapped under a snuggly puppy. And a while back, there was near a week where every day I would see a headline talking about toxic masculinity or similar things, and want to read it.  Every time, I would get about a quarter of the way through, and find myself upset with how toxic the articles were themselves. They talked about how women don't want men to be taught about toxic masculinity.  Saying that it makes men too passive, and then the women actually have to approach men.  That men are simply using this as an excuse to not pursue women at all, and become too busy with video games. They talked about how horrible it is that people claim they don't feel that their gender matches their body.  That it's a mental illness rather than simply an orientation, and saying that it's terrible that parents

There's a movement going on, even if I'm a few weeks late. I can't post it on a lot of socials, because unfortunately people involved in shitty ways follow me and I don't feel like dealing with them. However, I too have dealt with multiple occurances of sexual assault and consent violation over the course of my life.  When I went to get my exam, during the interview beforehand they asked if I had gone through any of it before, and when I said yes, they had to ask if I reported it.  They looked disappointed to hear another person not being able to report things. And here's why I didn't bother each time: I was four.  The people around me didn't listen to a word I said, and I didn't yet have the words to even explain what had happened, let alone know it was something to report. We were dating at the time, so people told me I shouldn't frame him as a bad guy for just doing what he wanted.  When I told people after, I was told I was too stupid

I've had several reminders lately about just how many places I have touched on, and how many things I've done. Apparently, I happen to have done way more interesting things than the vast majority of people. It's always so weird to me when others only have a couple of interests, or a single circle of people they see.  To bottleneck themselves into a small segment of the world. Then they see how I know people in all corners of the world, and at all different things.  They welcome me happily, rather than simply short meetings.  That I share stories and time with all these people, and have done things with all of them.  Having built connections on various levels. And then I talk to people who have more mundane lives.  The standard vanilla day to day, content with that and not much else.  I talk about the things I've done like they're nothing special. Scaring people by chasing them with a chainsaw at a haunted house. Doing escapism for a freak show. Dancing

When I started getting my period, many years ago, I had absolutely horrendous cramps.  I remember having to go home from school often and not sleeping for three nights out of the month.  I frequently told my mom, who would claim I needed to go to the doctor, but would never make the appointment, because she didn't want to have to go to the gynecologist herself. Because of her own cowardice, my medical issues were never addressed, and where they likely would have given me some form of hormonal birth control, I had to just deal with it, and not have anything as a backup to condoms. So, when I got pregnant, and everything that came with that (a long story unto itself), I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again.  My doctor wouldn't do a tubal, for stupid stereotypical reasons, and so I went scouring over my options, looking for what would work the best for me.  I knew I wouldn't have a reliable schedule with an infant, and honestly didn't want all that many extra

I recently went about the process of replacing my IUD, which sported a ton of conversations with parents. More on the replacement later, because that's a long write up of its own. A few weeks ago, I scheduled a regular exam.  I had to go to a new office because my previous gyno had left her practice, and I wanted to take care of that before scheduling the replacement.  It also gave me a chance for a round of sti testing, which I hadn't done for a bit. Upon scheduling it, I was talking to my mom.  And here we go. First, was the conversation simply of having another IUD.  I have always.  ALWAYS.  Said that I didn't want kids.  I have been firm on that from my teens.  It has never at any point wavered.  While saying that I had wanted to simply maintain my method of birth control due to the ease of it, she of course had to bring up "Well if you ever change your mind you can have it removed". To which I mentioned my firm stance on not wanting any more kids,

Weeks ago, Lux, Dansa, and I had made plans to visit a historic village near me. Lux and I had intended to go for years, but never got to it, and Dansa loved the sound of the place as well. After everyone comparing calendars, we found a weekend that would work, which was this past weekend. A few days prior, Dansa contacted me.  Her new boyfriend wanted to come visit, which she later had said she wanted to see how we felt about him after having more time in a more casual setting.  This was presented to Lux in a poor way, but after we spoke, he seemed to be a bit more ok with it. The weekend happened though, and it went fairly well.  We burned up a ton of the scrap in the basement on Friday, and then Saturday with a very casual day, we went about wandering all sorts of cute places, which they loved exploring.  In particular, they had a party in the coffee roaster, and the peanut butter store. I saw quite a few friends, to the point where Dansa seemed curious as to how I knew so m

Recently, a friend of mine got engaged.  He'd talked about it for a long time, and has consistently been set on marrying her. The thing about it is though, he can never tell me what he likes about her rather than her having some personality traits that he's attracted to.  They have a ton of incompatibilities, on many many levels.  In general, from my interactions with her, I find her insecure, immature, and overly compensating at best. I've tried several times to point out the severity of these issues, but he is so busy with work constantly that she is the only person he sees outside of that, and has the thickest of rose colored glasses on because of that. And unfortunately, which I called a week or so before, they asked both Lux and I to be in the wedding.  Wanting to be there for our friend, we both said yes. I wound up spending a day with them recently, and she said I was going to go with them to pick out the suits, and look at a venue. Holy hell. First, look

On top of feeling better mentally, I've been able to keep up with a lot of things right now. I've finished reading most of my pile of books, and need to invade a book store to pick up a new pile.  Finishing books always makes me feel good. I've finished drawing both a smaller coloring book, as well as drawing and publishing the Pennsic one.  I'm so ahead that I'm actually able to take a couple weeks off of drawing to do lots of cleaning and digging out of my closets and such. A couple of other small projects have gotten made, which made some friends happy. Finally, I got around to opening a kofi page, which I've been posting to somewhat regularly. With everything going on lately, I actually picked up a planner to try keep track of everything I have happening and what I'm constantly doing. Halloween is exploding in the house, and there's a ton to balance. There's going to be a lot to do in the coming weeks, especially with everything pla

We're coming into the busiest time of year, so I figured this week would make a good time for a check in for everything as a whole. Right now, I'm still feeling productive.  It's keeping me upbeat, and motivated.  Things at home are... About what can be expected, which is frustrating, but I'm aware enough to not let it really affect me deeply anymore. I've been a lot more social lately, and I'm trying to balance that with everything else going on.  However, it's helping me feel a lot better mentally, and less drained than I was earlier this year. On the downside though, I'm craving contact. I want snuggles, and hugs and affection well more than any social time right now.  Luckily, Lux is visiting soon, so I'll get that. Everything considered, I'm not doing too bad right now in my brainspace.  Still not where I want to be, and still a ton of things to worry about and do, but I've gone through a world of improvement from the beginning

I will fully admit, that there are some things out there that will make someone completely incompatible for me.  They won't stop me from being friends with a person, but I know myself enough to know that certain traits will kill any chance of attraction happening. Lux and I have a lot of friends in the rope scene, and it's often an awkward thing for him, because he will start to talk to people, and develop some amount of interest, but as soon as he says he doesn't tie, they immediately distance themselves from him for any sort of play or anything.  Despite the fact that they might also be masochists, or enjoy power exchange, or any number of other things, because he doesn't enjoy rope topping, they won't give him the time of day in regards to any play. I've dealt with similar things in a few cases, but not nearly as much as him. A friend of ours, who has voiced having no attraction towards Lux met a boy while at camp recently.  Despite making countless pro

I spent some time curious. Seeing what other people are writing about when it comes to a few of the things I want to teach.  Taking ideas to help adapt classes, and build them in a more accessible way. Except, a lot of what I saw on similar subjects were near the complete opposite. Things like how to speak to dominants in a pleasing way. How not to get angry with a dom. How to ask for things without annoying a dom. Just a pile of things that slowly made me frustrated. All of these things muddle communication.  They dismiss emotions, and create an assumptive and unhealthy scale for a relationship.  They felt like my dynamic with Thrax, where I had to say what he wanted regardless of how I felt.  That my frustration with his lies and bringing them up was wrong.  That my constantly asking for what I needed, or things he promised should have just been ignored. Even if it isn't straight abuse, it doesn't help encourage any sort of healthy communication and strength.

I've been reading a lot of things lately about why people stay in abusive relationships, and how they wind up in them and such. All people who have their own reasons, and stories about things. It brought to mind that both of my siblings, as well as myself, have had abusive partners.  My brother is with one still, and my sister only isn't with one now because her current partner is completely dependent on her (I know those are not mutually exclusive, but he is legitimately afraid he would not survive without her care). And it gives me that absolute definitive proof that we grew up in an abusive situation.  We were raised that emotional abuse was normal.  That it was an aspect of love.  That just because my parents stayed together and were abusive toward each other, they would be abusive toward us and it was fine. They just assumed it was how things worked, and it's why they are nearing 40, and still in unhealthy relationships.  I fought from my daughter's age to

I don't play with a lot of people. I have no problem with meeting people, and making friends, but I don't do a lot of pick up play. And even more than that, I encourage vanilla time with kinky friends.  Long conversations about silly things, baking, and lots of fun mundane things. I like the process of becoming friends.  I like learning about people, and having quality time.  When I meet new people, getting to have the time to build a real connection with them is my favorite. Unfortunately, I find that a lot of people don't stick around for things like that.  If they don't get the time to play, they leave, and honestly, I'm ok with that.  I don't wait a long time, but I do give people a bit of time for me to actually get to know them.  I want to learn that they actually have interest in me and not just the idea of play. I want to learn what we can do after. I want to know what to expect from you the rest of the time. Honestly, I would

I feel like for a long time now, we've tried to fight against the idea of "industry standard" appearance. Various body shapes, without some cookie cutter size and expectation of beauty. We encourage instances of magazine and marketing spreads that aren't touched up and altered digitally. And yet, when it comes to our personal social medias, and building an audience on them, we are making it easier and easier to alter our appearance.  There are tons of apps which can change the shapes of our faces, or our bodies, or completely change the appearance of a photo.  It's become a tool that everyone uses, and it's become the new normal. Hell, I've seen beauty youtubers make tutorials about how they use facetune.  Most new phones actually come with a "beauty filter" as the default setting to the front facing camera. The average person now has simply accepted the tools to change appearance, and still claims that mass media photoshopping is wrong

With everything going on after Pennsic, I took a week mostly to recover and clean up before telling myself that I had to get back to work on all the things I had intended to make while camping but didn't. And what I couple of weeks it's been for productivity. I finished and published one book, which people have been enjoying.  I made two things a friend asked for, a gift for Squishy's friend who has a birthday coming up, and started a new "modest" scarf for myself.  Oh, and something for Squishy too. I've been getting Squishy ready for school, hunt down things she needed, and get her on schedule. All the classes I want to put together have gone into the beginning assembly phases. Another coloring book is about three quarters of the way done. I've also looked into more methods of making money off my art, to really try and turn this into a career. There was also one day when I got a huge kick in ass about the possibility to not be able publish

There are certain things we need to be sure to hold ourselves accountable for in casual settings.  We all need a level of self awareness and control, no matter what we're doing, or our orientation. One morning at Pennsic, while we were all still shambling about and putting ourselves together, sipping coffee, and waiting on the shower, one of our camp mates was talking about her night.  She had met up with a well established domly person who no one is really terribly fond of, and was chatting with him.  Apparently at one point he started trying to use his domly voice, knowing he has tried to establish this over decades, and she responded by calling him sir. She said it was compulsory, and while upset with herself, acted like it was just a reaction to domly behavior. Lux and I spoke about this.   About our disappointment on both parts. That domly person sure as hell shouldn't be trying to manipulate people he thinks might be submissive with speaking like that. 

While at Pennsic, one of the people in our camp started on the spiel about brats.  Something about having to keep them from bratting out of wanting something. And, if it were a smaller circle of people, I would have spoken up, and I still should have, but I kept quiet. I should have said that if people are bratting in order to get something, you aren't encouraging clear communication, or answering that communication with what they need often enough.  That sometimes people, including me, have bratty behavior as a sort of affection, or just because it's part of their personality, rather than because they want something. That if someone is being bratty all the time to where you keep expressing you don't like it, they're not a brat, but an asshole. I feel like that person just had too old of an image of what bratting is, and promotes too much alongside that, rather than being open to the idea of things being outside the stereotype of brats acting up for attention.

Lux and I have had a plan for a particular scene for a while.  He wanted to have me suspended as a punching bag, and then turn it into an impact scene.  Needless to say, I had no issue with any part of this idea.  We just needed to take time to figure things out with blood pooling, and time restrictions and such for safety. Well, one night at Pennsic, while we're all sitting in the dojo, Lux asks if I am up for doing it.  He ran it past a friend to rig me up, and everything was good. The dojo was crowded, but I went up.  Lux started punching me, and jokes started being made.  At one point, I wound up completely lifting myself upright in laughter.  People commented about endorphins being built up soon, and such things. At one point, since all my weight was on one wrap around my hips, the rope dug in so much that I needed to be shifted.  I wound up with raw spots after the fact, so I definitely needed to move.  The scene continued beyond that point though, and everyone enjoyed

Lux and I don't usually blatantly express how we feel about each other.  We generally just keep a healthy dynamic, include the other in things, and try to make the other feel cared for in our everyday gestures. I am in general more affectionate than him, and even that isn't terribly much.  I often worry if he feels uncomfortable with me being more vocal or open about how I feel than he is.  Usually, I remind myself that he should feel cared for, and to use that affection as affirmation of that. Lux however, very rarely if ever shows blatant affection.  It's sometimes a bit unnerving, because I don't know how he feels, even though I know he wouldn't include me in as much of his life as he does if he didn't care for me. Over those weeks that we had time together though, there were lots of little affirming moments though.  Things that he probably didn't realize he did, or how much I appreciated it. Things like expressing a dislike of him existing withou

One of the nice things about camping with this group is that they know a bit about our dynamic.  They also very respectfully acknowledge that I'm a switch, and just as much a sadist as I am a masochist. They don't know a lot of the finer details though, and it leads to some moments that are a little funnier for Lux and I, albeit a bit awkward. Things like being around other submissives who are looking at doing something for their partner, and asking what Lux needs, then they look at me like I'm supposed to do it, the way I did earlier.  Except that time I was also doing something for myself as well, and Lux had to take care of something else.  Lux still is becoming more comfortable with service when he isn't busy, and prefers to do for himself.  He also doesn't like not knowing how to do something himself, even if he will have it done for him when someone else is there.  So here I am being looked at, while Lux is getting up to do for himself, and I am looking ba

I'm back from Pennsic, and somewhat back to a normal routine. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Lux came down the weekend before Pennsic.  He had to travel for work, and so he brought his gear down early, so I could do any repairs, finish packing, and the like, while he was far away, without having to keep his gear in the truck for a week.  That weekend went fairly smoothly, and it was good to have the time with him.  Early in the morning, he left for a flight, and was down in Florida for most of the week.  The plan was, for him to return Thursday, so we could have Friday to clean, pack the truck, and relax before driving out Saturday morning. Well, weather decided that wasn't happening, and after many delays, he had to catch a flight Friday morning.  While watching the tracker for that flight, it literally looked like a toddler scribbling on the east coast to show where they were going.  I was a panic, but apparently Lux was fairly calm.  His flight wound up be

Almost two months ago, I finally did it. In a fit of horny rage, I told Lux I needed to pull the trigger and get a first dildo.  Something I'd said on and off for years, but never did.  The fact that I didn't masturbate at all up until that point just made it fall to the wayside. But I told him, and I asked him if he could pick out and get it for me, since he knew far more about what he was looking at than I did. Well, after throwing a few ideas around, he got one, and brought it to me a few days later. We haven't used it together yet, but I have used it by myself a few times, and I think it's been enough to give me some sort of an idea, at least for a solo thing. So, I have no real desire to cum, no matter how horny I am, or if I'm with a partner. And, unfortunately, that leaves me without much of a goal when I use a dildo.  It doesn't feel bad perse, but I just kind of wonder when to stop.  There's nothing else there to keep me interested, and

While at Fusion, and a few times since, I've had a lot of requests for new classes, or making offshoots to classes I teach. That means developing a lot of new things over the coming months, and while some of these are still physical movement classes which I get compliments on my teaching methods, it also means developing lectures, which I'm not so used to presenting. It's interesting, thinking about making the notes for these classes.  Learning to fill an hour plus of lecture, without breaks for practice or drills, is not something I have a lot of experience with. This is something I wanted though.  I had wanted to start presenting in the kink scene, and bringing new information in that doesn't seem to be present in most classes. The whole class creation thing is a bit of a project.  For my movement classes, it isn't hard to just go through my vocabulary, apply relevance, and make a list of things to cover what I want.  There are often times when I have to t

Right after I got home from my visit with Dansa, Lux asked if we could hang out on voice for an evening, just to hang out.  We've been doing that a lot more lately, just so he has more contact with people, and because it's been nice to have that change in communication. He mentioned, almost as though he expected it to be dismissed, that he had been thinking about more serious role driven play.  Not necessarily scenarios, but a less silly, level and casual sort of play than we normally have. For a long time, I kept really quiet about this exact thing.  Lux was processing a lot, and working through a lot of issues regarding these things from past partners, or people pushing for things he wasn't comfortable, and making him feel pressured,  left unconsidered, and that he didn't have any control, despite being the domly person.  I tried to encourage him to work through these things for him, and not bringing up what I wanted, to keep him from thinking I was just being sel

With me feeling much more toppy than normal, Lux and I have a lot of the same worries lately.  That someone will either make a false claim about us, or miscommunicate, or something will happen, and we'll both be thrown down the hole of consent violators, unable to say anything because of his appearance, and my lack of visible credibility as a top. We talk about how we don't want to get lax enough have that become a chance. That we're worried with any new person we play with, or would potentially play with. We also talk about precautions we take with each other.  Either being present for the other's scenes as an extra set of eyes. How we will call out any bad habits we see forming, even when together, and encourage the good ones to stay, and grow. Sometimes, being a safe partner is a team effort, and that's why we can't leave these things to ourselves.  We need to know where we slip, even if accidentally, and even if just for a second. It's someth

This weekend we leave for Pennsic! I have to say, this one has been hard to prep for.  It's been a project to pack, and get organized.  I've had adventures get in the way, and plans in flux that made things difficult. However, I'm excited to teach, and wander around, and work on new things, and see people, and a thousand other things. I've done a lot in the last month to get ready, including helping Lux get organized amongst everything going on.  Which, that's been a thing as well.  I've been trying to stay present for him while he's getting used to a new job, and needs more contact with people.  It's been a lot of sewing, and yarn work, and crochet, and drawing, and packing, and organizing and a ton of other things to get here. But this will be a very different Pennsic for us.  Just like the rest of summer, which has had a lot of new things and firsts for us. It's time for an adventure!

One last Fusion post.  I think. So, one of the most amusing things I found over time while at Compound, was how people never quite knew how to think of me.  That they were constantly having little tidbits, and only getting more and more confused and intrigued. Camp definitely started with them thinking I was a submissive bottom.  That I belonged to Lux, and it was as simple as that.  They looked at Lux and tagged him for a domly dom top, and gave me the easiest box to go with it. Until sitting there one morning, discussing knifeplay methods, and I started talking about my own practices as a top in regards to safety and tools.  Suddenly I was more.  This was something Lux didn't talk about, it wasn't me talking about him.  It was my own practice as a top. And then, they realized I switch. But, did Lux switch? Did we switch together? Were we both into all the same things as a top? Now, Lux and I don't switch.  I am very statically a happy slave, but they don&#

This last week meant both mine and Lux's birthdays have passed, and we're each another year older. While he's just another step into his thirties, I've now officially left my twenties. It's a good thing I still look twelve. Squishy asked me if turning thirty meant I had to become an adult.  By that she meant acting like a stuffy old person.  She seemed very upset with the idea.  It was rather cute. Lux's birthday I was home while he was out with friends, getting completely smashed.  Apparently, even though I was barely getting half sentences, he was damn near poetic with a handful of other people.  When he went and read back over a lot of it he wound up apologizing to me because of how he was acting with everyone else.  Had he not pointed it out and apologized after saying it, I probably would have gotten a bit upset, but this made it more funny than anything. He can always make it up to me later anyway.  I didn't even tell him that, and don't

Last weekend I went up to the city to visit Dansa, after she had visited me a few times, and was asking when I could come up to her place.  After a lot of arguing with the gnome, and dealing with things, I was off to the city, with plans to go to a rope thing that night, and some little adventures for my birthday.  I had to navigate the city unsupervised to get up to her place, which went fairly smoothly, as worried as I was.  When I got up there I provided much desired distraction from work, and got settled in.  We got some food, had coffee, and I found out one of the people I was supposed to tie with wouldn't be there that night. We went off to the rope event, which was incredibly quiet.  Dansa got through her ties, including one bendy one on me.  She tried doing some purposefully mean things, and got a bit pouty when I didn't even flinch.  Even when she dropped me back on the ground, she started kicking me to try and get me to acknowledge pain, wound up hurting herself

I’ve been many things going back in my life. Going back as someone in kink dynamics, a dancer, a mom, a larper, and a gamer, I’ve been many things, and held many names. And while many of those represented me well at the time, or in those circles, to some extent, no matter where I’ve been, one name carried through. I was handed “Loki Taviel” as a name. Given it by people who had been in my life from when I was first creating who I am, and putting together the pieces of my own unique brand of person. In the earlier days of internet, finding good sources of information was a project, and even more of a challenge for something that wasn’t a single fact or tidbit. Me being a goth as fuck edgelord at the time, found a database of demons, and printed them all. We sat in art class, my freshman year. Still knee deep in puberty, my dear friend Shadow and I poured over the pages, studying and memorizing what looked particularly interesting as we sculpted a human skeleton from memory. I