A New Devious Chapter

There's been some weird things going on in my brain leading up to this long visit with Rabbit.  I'd been coming to grips with how much I was people pleasing, and losing track of my ability to figure out and feel the things that I actually want.  It's had me second guessing a lot, for a lot of reasons. I had times when I doubted how I felt about Rabbit as a whole.  Leading up to telling him about the beans, and eventually ordering them, I had that digging excitement that I wanted to tell him, and I was so excited about the decision.  Worrying about when, or how to say it, and everything in the vein.  The day I told him I felt more sure of it than anything before in my life.  And then as the couple of months after it went on, that digging excitement left, and as the novelty of our relationship has worn off with a big trip under our belts, and real life taking the forefront, there's less of that constant giddy love in my brain all the time. And it had me think...

 The movie we went to see by the way was Clerks Three.  As we're both from Jersey, all the Kevin Smith movies are important parts of our culture.  Specifically for this series, it's all a testament to different stages of life, with characters who aren't the most proactive.  They're flawed, but they're loyal, and they all have very different stories. It turned out to be more sad than we expected, and when we went home, we thought about the loss that occurred, and how that made us feel about things that have happened with us.  I gave Rabbit directions back to my place, and when we got on the highway, I started thinking.  One of the biggest themes in all of the movies is showing ambition.  Not waiting until a perfect moment, but being proactive in deciding what you want, and taking the risk, because you don't know what'll happen. So when we got back to the house, and curled up in bed, we talked about it.  I told him that I didn't know how I was going...

 I'm pretty sure I mentioned a beach episode a couple of weeks ago, and looking forward to it for a myriad of reasons.  That I had wanted to take advantage of a long weekend, see Lux after not getting to for a couple of months, and have a good reset.  He unfortunately hasn't been feeling well though, and couldn't join us, so we decided to postpone. And so I was left with a long weekend and no plans. I poked around a little, to no avail, trying to find a way to take advantage of this time, and enjoy some company. Meanwhile, a Puppy friend of mine and I have been slowly talking more over the last year.  We had a falling out due to things that happened on both our parts, which caused us to have a divide for a good while.  He's also had a hell of a year, with going through a hard breakup with someone who fucked him over mentally, got injured and needed surgery, started juggling both school and work, and just recently is dealing with loss.  I've tried to be more...

 The pandemic has been going on long enough that there are many times when I need to remind my parents that when the holidays come soon, we can't have a ton of people here.  That no matter how long we've been doing this, it is both irresponsible, immoral, and illegal to have the house packed with people we would normally have. I hear Lux talking about how when it's all over, he wants to meet with friends for orgies, and play with everyone. And here I am, going longer and longer through all of this, and only meeting with friends a handful of times since this all started, which includes invasions.  Time away from groups, avoiding events, and minimizing outings altogether.  Things that I normally associate with recharging, and helping me process and face life a bit better. But, I'm not craving them.  I don't want massive holidays.  I don't want to find a ton of new partners.  I don't want to attend events.  As time goes on with this, I find myself ju...

 Weeks ago, I put the idea into Lux's head that he should come for Rosh Hashanah.  That it would be a smaller holiday, and we wouldn't be inviting that many people, and still give him enough notice that he could sort of get his mind ready to go and do something again. And coming up to the holiday, I didn't get much notice from him on it.  No real answer either way about him coming to visit, which I understood, but was still difficult, because I wasn't sure what to do in some cases. He did show up though.  Just for a night rather than a full weekend, but time when we didn't have some running about to do, and could just catch up, be silly, and enjoy time together. It was everything I've wanted since the pandemic started.  No massive event, or elaborate adventure.  Just curled up with each other, with nothing remarkable going on.   I remember waking up in the morning, with his arms around me, and while all the sex we had was certainly beneficial for ...

Coming out of the most recent trip to Kitty's there's been an odd swirl of feelings.  Some of which I've already spoken about, but others I've had to take time to process through. Once I had a day home without any of my polycule present, drop started to hit like a brick.  I was exhausted, and doing anything for the first day or so was a project.  Squishy wasn't being easy to deal with, and that certainly didn't help as the I trudged my way through a few days. I wasn't dealing with the usual symptoms though that also accompany that mental state.  I was anxious over not knowing what would happen in the next few weeks.  Overthinking the options that depended on others, possibilities for when Squishy goes back to school, and a thousand other things.  Enough that would overwhelm most, but instead all of gave me a sense of anticipation.  Wanting to know what would happen, and feeling a bit like spinning wheels, but enough possibility for good that it was...

The last couple of weeks have been a bit on the easier side, as we're all starting to learn how to cope and function in this lockdown situation.  There's still stress and things to deal with, but things are adjusting with time. Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now. This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream.  Or at least I don't remember them.  There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up. I've had four in the last week or so. All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.  The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day.  However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction.  I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands.  And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in...

I knew, after Pax that the next chance I would have to see Lux probably wouldn't be until Easter.  Usually I try to get up to see him if I can, because the last couple of years that's been the only time we see each other in the spring.  While I'm not happy about the long windows of distance, I'm prepared for it, and know we both need to take care of our own things in the meantime. But now, with the enforcement to stay indoors, and being told not to travel, I am noticing my touch starvation even more.  All I want is to curl up with Lux.  To have the time just with him and no plans that we don't often get.  It's difficult dealing with touch starvation here.  Especially given everything around me, and the toxic environment.  That every day is a fight.  And then add in that I am the type of person that knows how important getting out of the house is.  Adding in touch starvation makes it a thousand times worse. A lot of things are hard right...

Lux decided last minute on the Saturday before the new year that he was actually coming down here.  Prior to that, many things had been in the air, and even with him coming down, we still didn't have a plan.  It had been more than four months since I'd seen him, longer than we'd ever been apart for, and that length of distance was absolutely taking a toll on my brain.  I worried about what the visit would bring, or if that time apart would mean that we were no longer ok. He made it down though, and after Oliver demanded many hugs, we finally got to hug and spend some time together.  And even though there was so much time, and so much space, everything just fell into stride and comfort in many ways.  It was wonderfully centering, just to have that presence. The next day we moved at a fairly slow pace.  We threw around ideas of what to do that day, and opted that instead of going out for breakfast, we would go to one of the places I had wanted to take h...

I try to be careful with my words, as much as I know I do on occasion misuse them.  I try to let my actions speak for me more often than not, knowing what empty words can do. I also try to time things very carefully.  Or at least stay mindful of when not to say something.  Part of that includes the fact that I try not to say much affectionate right after sex and play.  When brains are high on bonding chemicals, and endorphins are floating around.  I don't want those words to feel like they're only coming from that altered state, but rather that they are created organically, and from built connection. I want words to have the most meaning.  I don't want to take advantage of those compromised states, and while I know I should give words of affirmation more often, I don't want them to be repeated to the point of being empty. The problem with not wanting to say such things after sex and play is however, that Lux and I have a ton of sex.  And those wi...

While Lux was here last week, as a strange change of pace we wound up not having sex. I know, let that shock process for a minute. However, with the feeling burnt from everything going on, and some situations that Lux had dealt with recently, I wanted to be sure he had some amount of security from me.  Something settling, and a feeling a safety. That's not to say that I didn't want sex.  While I have some seasonal brainbugs going, I still definitely wanted to bone.  However, I knew that he needed care first, and I'm nowhere near that selfish to not consider what he needed at the time. And honestly, in the scheme of things, his care is simple.  Provide support, be present, show care and concern.  Lux just requires basic affection and patience when it comes down to it, and I think that's what frustrates me with others when it comes down to it. There's always time for sex, or beatings, or whatever I want.  But when he needs something from me, it's ne...

While I was with Zero a week and a half ago, Lux was with one of his newer partners.  His second time spending time with her, though they talk fairly frequently.  And unfortunately, for the second time, she caused him harm.  Hurt him in ways that he was messed up for a couple days afterward, and tried to manipulate him in a few ways. Needless to say, finding out about this caused a lot of feelings on my part.  I know I'm overprotective, and this perked up every bit of that.  At the same time, I had concern for him, in a lot of different ways.  I wanted to scoop him up and comfort him.  To take care of him and help him process.  Make sure he felt safe, because sometimes submission means being the strong, steady, and protecting one. For a second I had wished I was there in the moment, before realizing that might not have been the best idea. On one hand I would have been able to see exactly how it went.  Been able to take care of him in ...

Just before Christmas, Lux was in Bermuda for the anniversary of planting his father.  While there, some super fancy rum got released on the island, and sold out before he could get to it.  The following weeks were a mess of dealing with a vendor he now hates, and having to file for fraud. Going further back, for a few years, I had thought about making Lux a stocking for Christmas, and filling it with practical things that he didn't yet have, which he'd mentioned wanting, or would work well for him.  Last year, he actually sent me a link to a masculine grooming box, and I told him that there was no reason to order a box when he knew he wouldn't need all of it.  I also told him I had thought about doing that for him, but felt awkward, and he assured me it wasn't a bad idea. So, this year I finally did it.  I hunted down a handful of things for him, and got distracted along the way, which meant getting him some cute fun stuff as well.  This included the a...

I'm home from Lux's now, and it was a good week, albeit difficult in many ways. Lux had a lot of stress from many sources, which kept him distracted often.  Sometimes this was his own mind just being working against him, but there were a lot of very challenging things to work through over the course of the week. I tried to take care of things where I could, and help him out over the course of the week, whether spoiling him, showing affection, or doing little helpful things. There were also lots of wonderful moments that we both enjoyed, and I'm glad we got to share.  It was definitely a week I'm happy for, because we got to have that time together again.  In many ways, Lux tried to practice more power exchange and comfort with service.  It's good to feel like we have a more present a visible exchange.  It may still just be visible to us, but that's all we need. I did find that I didn't quite have enough to work on to keep busy for his entire workda...

Lux asked me a couple weeks ago if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding he was in last weekend.  It happened to be a weekend that I was without a Squishy, so I said I would be his plus one, and we could spend some time together before Fusion.  Well, after a week of trying to figure out details, Lux made his way down after the rehearsal.  We had joked a day or two before that whenever we spend time together, we need to do prep work.  Drinking extra water, stretching, cardio, all an amusing number of things to need to do knowing our own marathon habits. Well, the entire weekend was busy.  The wedding went smoothly, with the exception of Lux's suit exploding on the dance floor.  He kept said that it fit poorly, and then tried to squat while dancing, and poof.  We thought about trying to get through dinner, but that wasn't going to happen.  Just as food was being brought out, we went back to the hotel, where Lux did a full squat, just for the fu...

It has to be something with the seasons, but I've noticed that especially with so many people becoming busy with the holidays, I'm craving presence.  Rather than wanting to simply be out among groups and wanting to be social, I feel like I need to be with the people I care about most, and have more time together to take care of them, or snuggle up.  I'm not even craving force in play, but rather the affirmation of power exchange and affection. I think that part of this is also just the long time I've had apart from so many of the people I can actually be affectionate with.  The ones I can just relax around, and feel inspired and relaxed and like I can recharge however I need. Hopefully with the holidays I'll be able to spend more time with them soon. In the meantime, I'll find self-affirmation in the things I'm learning over the next few weeks.

Because I want to try to focus on the positive more, I feel like the most important thing is to remind yourself to find joy in the smaller things, and use that to bring light to the shitty situations, instead of only surrounding yourself with negative.  And so, I feel like thinking about all the little things that make me super happy. a good cup of coffee a cigar after a long productive day successfully doing something new for the first time seeing a finished project long car rides in spring fresh fruit smelling something cooking in the oven a piece of really good dark chocolate snuggling up and watching someone play video games sitting down with a puzzle having winding conversations that wind up being silly discussing science and logic going on an adventure sitting in front of a fire running around with friends dancing around to fast music listening to fun music and singing far too loudly walking through old books stores making food for, and taking care of lo...

While Lux was here for the holiday, we had initially made plans to go see a movie together, and hang out and talk and try to relax together.  A couple days before I looked up movie times and we made up a plan to spend Saturday together. We had also been talking about wanting to play more, and get back into things, and interest with all the stuff.  About having more comfort getting back into play, and how to have the little kick in the ass so that we do actually play, and not just have sex and snuggle, and more sex and video games. Well, Lux got to my place late on Saturday, and said that we should go get food.  On the way, he made a point of showing off his new toy bag (mostly because of some new things he got for himself), and mentioning all the other things in there.  We talked about some serious things, and some fun things, and found somewhere to eat near the theatre. During dinner we talked about some more serious stuff, and asked about the time once, and s...

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles. He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time. Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later. When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day. Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day. At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thou...

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels. Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is. Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles. Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be...