A New Devious Chapter

 Part of being demisexual, at least for my particular case, involves not getting any enjoyment out of watching others have sex.  Normal types of pornography usually turn me off, or only make me laugh at best, but have never turned me on.  However, aspects of kink I enjoy that don't involve traditional sexual framing absolutely can be hot to me, and that's something that often takes a bit for others to understand. So when it comes to Rabbit, who tends to process most things sexually, or enjoy sex mixed into all parts of his life, I had gotten a little worried.  I wasn't sure if this would be a case where it would never be understood, or something that would be used against me like it has been. While I was at his place, I introduced him to one of my favorite anime.  I also told him that he was only allowed to watch up to a certain episode alone.  So he watched up to that point the day after I went home, and then had to wait a week until he came over on Thanks...

 Between my visits to Rabbit, there was a week when he couldn't come spend a night with me.  He was taking care of some important things at home, and so didn't have time to be here.  At the same time, he had commented that he didn't clean up super well after one of the times we had sex, and some fluids dried and caused a small scab.  He mentioned that it was a bit of a raw spot, and not the most comfortable. I told him that he should abstain from doing anything that might mess with the skin for a couple of days, which included masturbation.  He whined, and tried to dismiss the idea, not wanting to be told no. Then, somehow thinking it might trick me in some fashion, he went to make a deal with me.  He said that he would abstain for three days, which meant an extra long weekend before getting to see me, which would let it heal.  In return, when I saw him, I had to edge him for as long as possible.  When I wasn't sure, purely because I was concerned...

 A while ago, when Rabbit and I first started playing he made a comment about not really being much of a masochist, but just in primarily for sensation play.  He spoke about his bad experiences with impact previously, and I noticed him just sticking to wanting to play with a couple of different things. And I realized, that while he had done a lot of things in regards to sex, and whatever his fucket list on that front, there was very little he'd done to explore to kink.  He didn't have people who were heavily educated, had never been to a public kink event, and had done little to no rough body play. So one night, as we were winding down after sex, I gave him a solid hit on the upper ribs.  He looked at me a second, as he actually processed the feeling of it, then sort of happily curled up on himself, and asked me to do it again.  We realized we needed a snack, so we ran out, and he was gleefully announcing to a friend that he discovered he liked being punched. Ev...

 One of the things I was concerned with while Rabbit and I were negotiating any sort of play, was where our overlap in interests was.  In particular was that while he says he's a masochist, he's not a fan of heavy impact, and mostly does sensation play. And well, that got me a little worried at first.  I like using force.  I like throwing a heavy beating.  I like getting tired, and leaving someone a bruised up mess.  I was concerned that with some of my favorite things off the table, we wouldn't have enough kinks in common. But then I remembered, I'm not just an impact sadist.  I don't need to bring about excruciating pain to enjoy play.  We talk about suffering a lot in kink, and while I always think of myself as being happy when I bottom for impact, I need to remember that I don't necessarily look for that in others. I also kept in mind that I can be very patient with the creative process, and also have the ability to think out of the box, and m...

Recently I was finishing up yet another larger crochet piece.  I thought about how often I joke that all of my art and creativity is based in masochism.  Most people agree with me. And I think about how self harm exists as a way to express pain, anguish, depression.  A poorly focused attempt to find relief and catharsis.  We try to stop people from doing this, villifying it and making it something people should simply put down. Honestly, I've tried self harm exactly once.  I cut myself on the leg, and looked at the blood on my leg.  I stared at it for a moment before asking myself why people did that, because it had absolutely no effect on me.  Never tried it again. At the same time, we take pride in masochists who use pain as a way to process.  We appreciate them, and encourage bottoms who will play with the intention of processing the things that happen in their lives. And yes, that's a bit backwards in many ways, that we celebrate one d...

Last camp, I had mentioned how being there made me feel inspired to switch more.  To do more topping, because it is usually what I'm more drawn to. Coming up to camp, I had made plans to top a few people, and only bottom to one friend as well as my partners, because they obviously would get priority.  It had me excited to be embracing my sadist again, though worried about being rusty. And in standard camp fashion, most of those plans didn't happen.  Some did, but several fell to the wayside of either lack of time, or things happening which would not make that play as safe as it should be. With a random free evening due to some rain, I had the chance to play with Lux.  With adjustments we'd talked about previously, and a more serious tone, I got near that floaty spacey state.  We both agreed that with loud scenes going on around us in the dungeon, it became distracting for us, and something to keep in mind for the future.  Almost an hour he hit me thou...

There's a Fusion discord server, and I joined, because sometimes I like to be awkward at people in my day to day.  I found myself talking there a little bit, but conversations never got super deep. One day, some people were talking about what they wanted to do more of this camp, and someone mentioned just wanting to do more this year as a whole.  I said I felt the same way, and was making plans to make sure that happened.  He said he didn't know enough people to make plans beforehand, and didn't know how he would even be with his camp, and making excuses about being an introvert, and all that. I didn't allow those excuses, and told him to attend some classes, because then he'd at least find people who had some level of shared interest.  Told him that I'm socially awkward, and have trouble with new people despite being an extrovert.  Conversation moved, and he started trying to test the waters, and eventually it turned into him saying that he's into CBT....

In the process of negotiating things for Fusion, there's been a lot of me checking in with whoever I'm playing with to see what they are good with.  And in return, I notice there is a lot of focus on asking tops how they want to feel in a scene. And, perhaps it's my weird brain, but that's the least of my worries in play. I don't care about being made to feel a certain way.  I don't want people to behave in a way that elicits an emotion from me.  Perhaps if there was a scene that involved power exchange, we may find something where I wanted to feel some kind of way, but that's not what I want normally. I want something organic.  I want us to just feel like people. I want to feel like we're having fun. I want to be able to punch people. And yea, that's about it.  It's not about feeling powerful, or in control, or feared, or anything like that.  I want to know we're having fun.  If the other person feels like they're being pus...

Last Fusion post for a couple weeks.  I think.  I can't actually promise that. Anyway. While making some plans to play with people at Fusion, one of the things that I noticed was that the majority of my friends tend to be top leaning.  This means, that when they either ask me to play, or I approach them, most of those people are asking me to bottom. And, I found this a little disappointing.  Every time I was asked to be a stationary bottom for a scene, it just made me wish I had more opportunity to top.  It reminded me how much I enjoy being a sadist, and that I wanted more chances to play with that. Mind you, I do get a ton of enjoyment from the play I have with Lux, or even with Kitty on the chance that it happens.  I have no problem being a bottom during that play, because that's the dynamic we've built, and what I enjoy from it. But with other people, in situations I haven't built yet, I want more opportunities to be actively topping in scene...

Lux and I have had a plan for a particular scene for a while.  He wanted to have me suspended as a punching bag, and then turn it into an impact scene.  Needless to say, I had no issue with any part of this idea.  We just needed to take time to figure things out with blood pooling, and time restrictions and such for safety. Well, one night at Pennsic, while we're all sitting in the dojo, Lux asks if I am up for doing it.  He ran it past a friend to rig me up, and everything was good. The dojo was crowded, but I went up.  Lux started punching me, and jokes started being made.  At one point, I wound up completely lifting myself upright in laughter.  People commented about endorphins being built up soon, and such things. At one point, since all my weight was on one wrap around my hips, the rope dug in so much that I needed to be shifted.  I wound up with raw spots after the fact, so I definitely needed to move.  The scene continued beyond ...

Right after I got home from my visit with Dansa, Lux asked if we could hang out on voice for an evening, just to hang out.  We've been doing that a lot more lately, just so he has more contact with people, and because it's been nice to have that change in communication. He mentioned, almost as though he expected it to be dismissed, that he had been thinking about more serious role driven play.  Not necessarily scenarios, but a less silly, level and casual sort of play than we normally have. For a long time, I kept really quiet about this exact thing.  Lux was processing a lot, and working through a lot of issues regarding these things from past partners, or people pushing for things he wasn't comfortable, and making him feel pressured,  left unconsidered, and that he didn't have any control, despite being the domly person.  I tried to encourage him to work through these things for him, and not bringing up what I wanted, to keep him from thinking I was just b...

Last weekend I went up to the city to visit Dansa, after she had visited me a few times, and was asking when I could come up to her place.  After a lot of arguing with the gnome, and dealing with things, I was off to the city, with plans to go to a rope thing that night, and some little adventures for my birthday.  I had to navigate the city unsupervised to get up to her place, which went fairly smoothly, as worried as I was.  When I got up there I provided much desired distraction from work, and got settled in.  We got some food, had coffee, and I found out one of the people I was supposed to tie with wouldn't be there that night. We went off to the rope event, which was incredibly quiet.  Dansa got through her ties, including one bendy one on me.  She tried doing some purposefully mean things, and got a bit pouty when I didn't even flinch.  Even when she dropped me back on the ground, she started kicking me to try and get me to acknowledge pain...

As I said a while ago, Lux and I haven't had very much chance for real beatdowns very often.  We've had small moments of violence, but in general, most of my play has been with others, and making plans to play with them. While we were in the dungeon, we listened to all the moans and sexy sounds of play going on.  Lux commented at one point that while everyone else was doing that, I was giggling.  Giggling, and using all of those endorphins from our play to process that pain going on and stay aware. Because I've been playing with other people, I had trained myself not to relax and just enjoy play, but process it in a way that I could be clear and communicative and pay attention to what is happening with them. I couldn't relax and let it build into happy floaty feelings, let myself just enjoy, because I've needed to watch what is going on as someone learns about me. Except that Lux knows me.  He knows what I can take, and I know I can trust him. I remember w...

If you can't tell by now, camp had a lot of people trying to figure me out over time. Lux is very obviously just a top and a domly person, and no one questioned that when we got there. However, when we first showed up, people just thought I was another submissive there with a domly dom, all quiet and awkward. And then I started having those conversations about how I go about things that Lux isn't into.  The sort of safe details that only someone who has topped those things for a while would do. They got the idea I was a switch, but then those ideas started rolling in their heads.  Do Lux I and I switch?  What things do I even do?  How much knowledge, and how careful am I? And from there I noticed a lot more people talking to me.  No longer was I someone who just took what Lux dished out.  I was now someone to figure out.  I talked a lot more about safety in things I do than just listing off what I enjoy.  When people heard about how much...

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by...

Since the weather has been nicer lately, especially for being knee deep in winter, we all decided it would be a good idea to get Oliver's pass for the dog parks in the area early in the year.  This way we could utilize nice days with letting him run about off leash, meet other dogs, and be social. Except not when it's rainy because he wants nothing to do with even the slightest drizzle. Anyway, while on the way to pick up his pass, just heading down some back roads, the idea pops into my head of finding some boy to choke. Unprompted, and out of nowhere, I found my sadist perking up with a vengeance.  The intense craving to find a nice sweet boy, pin him to the wall by his throat, and beat the shit out of him.  The weirdest part is that it wasn't only a nonsexual craving, which is very uncommon for me.  Normally all of my topping, and most of my play in general is incredibly nonsexual. That might be because of the long dry spells I've been having. Either way...

This week has been incredibly draining.  Every day there has been something else happening that has just left me more and more fried. The old man has been throwing screaming fits telling me how I'm too stupid to function.  This is after I am asked to literally put cookies on a plate for him to offer people who come over and prepping a pot of coffee, because he admits he "can't handle doing that" himself. Gnome has been bringing Squishy home super late on weekends he takes her, both on a holiday (so she spent none of it with us, making my mom a pissy pain in the ass to boot) and on a school night.  Not only that, but I sent her with a school project over her spring break, and in that week, and the weekend after they had barely anything done, but swore they'd get it done this weekend.  I told him to just bring it down, and we'd finish it.  Well, there was so little done, and almost all incorrect, which meant we needed to do it all over, in a week before it was...

The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state.  That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements. Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me.  I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point.  That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward.  That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can. And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point.  Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed.  I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there. It'...

Recently Fetlife went through and made a ton of words forbidden.  Made groups with vast sources of information invisible, and removed them from searches.  Some of the list includes things that we can pretty much all agree were not things to discuss on the site itself, and happen to be illegal in every sense. A lot of them though, were my major kinks.  I looked through that list and realized that all that was left of my interests were some very popular surface things, and it gave me a reminder of how many things I enjoy are considered taboo and edgeplay. And then I think about how often people acknowledge what they do as edgeplay.  That there is such a large chance for error if someone isn't educated or doesn't keep their focus.  To be honest though, that applies to so much of kink. If Kitty gets complacent with fire, he could give someone serious burns that require hospitalization and skin grafts.  If he gets greedy with hypnosis, he can completely re...

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what draws me to most kink. I very seldom get the chance to enjoy that floating rush with anyone, and don't ever expect it to happen.  I don't find zen in almost any play, or get a meditative feeling.  And yet, I want to do these things, and enjoy them. Lux and I recently have been talking a lot about how our tastes in video games differ.  He likes vast open world games, without a lot of demand, and the ability to just run around and zone out and do whatever.  I however, really enjoy very mentally stimulating games, and puzzles, and things that force me to think and learn.  I enjoy the intellectual and psychological challenge in video games. And, I think that's exactly it.  I enjoy rope because I don't know exactly what's coming next, and because there is always another step further.  I'm going to be challenged in rope, and need to focus my way through the ties, holding on in some places, and relaxing in other...