A New Devious Chapter

 There's been a lot of changes in the last year.  So many both externally and internally that have forced me to grow, change, and reclaim myself in the past twelve months.  I realize how complacent I had gotten in a lot of ways, and how much I am pushing myself as a result now for what I want, and striving for even more. So this year, as much as there has been a lot of hurt, stress, panic, and feeling lost, I have a lot that I'm grateful for.  I'm making a lot of progress in becoming a better me, and building a better life. Which means, today I get to make the obligatory list coming into the holiday. I am grateful for introspection.  Being able to look at how I actually felt during various times, and realizing what was a survival behavior, versus getting to decide what I want. I am grateful for my drive.  I am constantly taking on more.  Finding new ways to work with what I have, push myself, and move into new venues. I am grateful for my ability to le...

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by...

The next three weeks are going to involve a lot of running around for me, and it's mostly all good things. Notice: this is being written a week before it goes live.  I will try to adjust as necessary, and multiple plans of action will be discussed.  There will be fun updates about what does occur after things calm down again. So, as you read this, I'm hopefully on my way to spend a long weekend with Lux.  While I generally avoid leaving my house on Memorial day weekend due to where I live, I'll be travelling in the opposite direction as everyone else, and it's to spend some much needed time relaxing.  I'm not quite sure what the plan is yet, but it'll be good for us both. On the off chance that doesn't work, I'll be spending the long weekend with some family who I haven't seen for a while.  Both these plans are fun, but I'm really hoping for some time to have fun with Lux. Next weekend, is war camp, which will involve camping out in the woods...

Well, since this is my hundredth post to this blog, and it's right around the one year mark, I figure a real update is appropriate. Things have finally calmed down now that all the holidays and birthdays are done.  Now I can focus on learning, and making, and getting myself into a much healthier situation, both physically and psychologically. I've definitely formed the habit of working out every day that I can.  My body is changing, I find myself with more energy, and my flexibility and strength are improving.  It's greatly helping my body image issues to quiet down, and helps my mood a lot over all.  It's also encouraging me to eat better, and not have junk food or huge portions that will bog me down.  Finally, the kick in the ass that I apparently needed to give myself. Lux, Nessa and I are off to a convention for Valentine's Day, and it has me plotting all sorts of things.  I want to print out lots of cute cards, and make cookies, and pack super cu...

While talking to my mother the other day, she said a lot of things that really got under my skin, but one of the things she said was "You know, your father and I just keep hoping you'll find a boy to marry and take care of you and the baby." Now, my parents have been married damn near forever.  My mom was 19 when she got married, and just 18 when she met my dad.  My father is three years older.  It became very apparent to me at some point that a side effect of their marrying young seemed to keep them from maturing psychologically. And her comments on marriage always kind of bother me.  She believes that a couple should go from casually seeing each other to engaged.  I'm talking within a six month span.  That if you're not getting married, it's a waste of a relationship, and that you shouldn't talk to any other guys while you're engaged. Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't really romanticize marriage the way most people do.  I never ha...

It's a normal thing for me to look back near the end of the year and think about everything that I've learned. Sooooooooo, OBLIGATORY NEW YEAR POST! This year I learned that: A downside of having old friends means they may get "old" faster than you do, and it's not a bad thing, but means they are not meant to stay in your life any longer. People with addictive personalities will treat you like shit in order to act in the way they are used to.  Those new behaviors will then become habit, and they will always treat you like shit. Many people who either marry early, or do not keep up a social circle that changes, will stop maturing emotionally.  This becomes difficult to deal with as they get older. Toxic people will always be toxic.  Random better treatment is a fluke. Keep the people in your life that kick you in the ass to be inspired, always tell the truth, and go along with your random ideas. People do not know how to process something outside of the...

As it is Thanksgiving, I thought today should be spent doing the obligatory post of everything the I am thankful for. Positivity: I have far more positive influence in my life than I think I ever have.  I have this mix of people who have been around forever, people who have only grown close in the last couple years, and people who are newer to my life that encourage me and show such affection and love. Dance: I am grateful for the ability to dance, and the fantastic experience it brings.  Being able to teach and spread what is essentially a language of movements, as well as being able to shake my ass around while cleaning, or spending time on stage, it has helped me build more body confidence, and be healthy. Beast: The little beast teaches me so much, and truly is a little ball of squishy love.  She's at the age now where we actually discuss philosophy, and it's done with a clean slate of someone who hasn't been influenced by random things they hear.  She give...

I tend to hang out with a circle of people who don't quite follow the societal norms.  We're all a bit mad in our own way, have our own issues, and are the misfits that have come together as family. Not to mention that I don't quite run with the most normal hobbies, which comes with it's own crowd of different. However, with all the people I find in these circles, there are a few things I always find about myself that might seem to be more socially acceptable, but make me feel like the odd one out.  They're not anything big, or that impact me really in any way, but it certainly becomes noticeable, and surprises everyone when they find out. First, I'm straight, and that confuses everyone I tell it to. Sure, I can look at a girl and say she's hot.  I'll poke my female friends in the boobs, or the ass, just to giggle over it.  I'm not homophobic in the slightest (most recently proven by doing everything short of grabbing a boy's head and smo...

A bit of a warning, this will be a rambling coredump of thoughts, and might take a bit of reading over to process completely. A year ago I was not me. I had no confidence in myself, no inspiration, and felt like the biggest failure in the world.  I was in an absolute rut that I had no idea how to get out of, and I hated it.  To top it off, I was in a relationship that had me feeling lower and lower all the time, like I was being used, and just a convenient afterthought. Ten months ago Thrax dumped me over the phone, not listening to a word I said, and giving his usually myriad of excuses through the thing.  I could tell he just couldn't remember his stories, and while I was torn apart, and needed some kind of static aspect to my life as I made the decision to change everything else, this couldn't have been better for me. I remember hating the idea of it.  Fighting it being the truth, even though I knew all the bullshit I had been through.  Having ...

After so many posts about the workings of my brain lately, it's time for a real world update. I've moved out of the apartment with Thrax.  I couldn't stand being there anymore, with him either ignoring me, being an ass, moments of being apologetic, and hearing how insecure his girl is.  I have moved back in with my parents (I know, I said I wouldn't) because three weeks of not talking to them was a reality check that they needed. They're actually being encouraging, though my father is still fairly clueless about my life.  It's not something I'm surprised about, but so far they're being much better than they ever have been. I'm also swamped with projects, be it sewing, drawing, crochet, or chain maille.  I love being able to hop between mediums, and stay inspired to work on all of it.  April is entirely devoted to getting through as much as possible, because I've got quite a few performances in May. Being back here also lets me start teach...

For those of you who know me, or kept up with my old blog, you have an idea of what has happened, and who I am. If not, I'll get around to an introduction later. Last weekend was supposed to be my going away party.  I had planned to go to Colorado earlier this week, and do body piercing, and spend time with other friends, and dance, and get into shape for the military. I went up to the frozen north, to spend the last weekend I would have in Jersey with my true family.  The people I have found, and who have stuck around, and shown themselves to truly care about me.  I had also invited a friend, Lux, up too.  He's a newer addition to my life, but he's proven himself to be a good one, and I felt like he needed to meet my family, because he would fit in well. The whole weekend was wonderful.  I got to run around and have little silly adventures, watch shows we all love to nerd over, beat on each other with latex weapons, and get everyone so much more drunk t...