A New Devious Chapter

The day that Rabbit was feeling overwhelmed, we first went to drop off something to my brother.  Squishy had plans to go meet friends, so we didn't have to be up and moving super early like we normally would during the school year.  When we did get out the door though, we initially had plans, but it didn't quite work out.   However, while on the ride, I don't remember what prompted it, but something came up that had Rabbit saying about how he didn't need group sex anymore because he had me, and that I wasn't interested in it.  I told him that regardless of me, if he wanted to do something, we'd figure out a safe way to go about it that made us both comfortable and happy.  He assured me that if he wanted to, he would tell me, and that he understood that I wouldn't provide everything he might ever want, just like how I couldn't do some things for him.  Then he gave the example that he couldn't do impact the way I want, because I don't see him that ...

 Rabbit and I might be bad at holidays. We both got each other gifts, and I had every intention of giving him something to open for every night of Channukah.  I also initially wanted to give him something from the mix of handmade things and purchased presents for Yule and Christmas as well, as they fell inside the dates. He wrote me a poem a while ago, and gave it to me early in the fall, unable to wait.  That kicked off my wanting to write him something in return, having had his to work off of.  I had the time, and the drive to make something with a consistent rhyming pattern, and multiple verses.  I also made him a knotwork bracelet, some warm things, oh, and a collar.  I had picked him up things he said he wanted, or that popped up as being absolutely perfect for him. And as things showed up, and I got his stuff wrapped, I promised him that he would cry from the gifts.  We also kept going off about how we wanted to just exchange gifts, and not have ...

 We're coming up to the end of the year, and looking at how things are with the holidays now, they're so much different from last year.  Both that there's things not happening, and new things that are. The biggest of which, is having a partner that wants to share the holidays, and wants to share time whenever he can.  We're starting to really find our stride in doing that, and he's starting to make sure he gets plenty of time with other friends as well.  As I encourage him, he's also having more time with music, and doing the things that make him happy, as I take on more things. We're definitely finding our stride when it comes to a dynamic, and how things work to make us both feel fulfilled.  There isn't any heavy protocols, but he's definitely made himself a happy nest of a submissive place with me, while knowing how to playfully brat and say that he's the top.  It works well for us, and I only see us being happier in it as time goes on. Things...

 Between my visits to Rabbit, there was a week when he couldn't come spend a night with me.  He was taking care of some important things at home, and so didn't have time to be here.  At the same time, he had commented that he didn't clean up super well after one of the times we had sex, and some fluids dried and caused a small scab.  He mentioned that it was a bit of a raw spot, and not the most comfortable. I told him that he should abstain from doing anything that might mess with the skin for a couple of days, which included masturbation.  He whined, and tried to dismiss the idea, not wanting to be told no. Then, somehow thinking it might trick me in some fashion, he went to make a deal with me.  He said that he would abstain for three days, which meant an extra long weekend before getting to see me, which would let it heal.  In return, when I saw him, I had to edge him for as long as possible.  When I wasn't sure, purely because I was concerned...

 As a quick update, about one week post everything happening that I talked about in my last post, my neck is just about fine.  Every once in a while I feel a tiny bit of discomfort, but for the most part, I don't even notice it anymore. But anyway, it's been almost a full week with Rabbit, and while we had these plans to get lots of things accomplished, we may have accidentally let many of them fall to the wayside for sex.  Some things have gotten done.  He got his bike up and running, and we got me a helmet so that I can ride with him.  I've helped with getting the house a little more put together, keeping up with laundry, and taking care of the pups. We've also had sex in almost every room in the house, some multiple times.  This includes having sex on the motorcycle while it was in the garage being finished up.  I may have joked that if I couldn't ride the bike until it gets a new seat, I would just ride them both at once. At the same time, we've fi...

 One of the things I was concerned with while Rabbit and I were negotiating any sort of play, was where our overlap in interests was.  In particular was that while he says he's a masochist, he's not a fan of heavy impact, and mostly does sensation play. And well, that got me a little worried at first.  I like using force.  I like throwing a heavy beating.  I like getting tired, and leaving someone a bruised up mess.  I was concerned that with some of my favorite things off the table, we wouldn't have enough kinks in common. But then I remembered, I'm not just an impact sadist.  I don't need to bring about excruciating pain to enjoy play.  We talk about suffering a lot in kink, and while I always think of myself as being happy when I bottom for impact, I need to remember that I don't necessarily look for that in others. I also kept in mind that I can be very patient with the creative process, and also have the ability to think out of the box, and m...

I had a long weekend with Rabbit, and so much happened over a few days, that I'm boiling over with things to explore.  This month is probably going to be almost all posts related to it, which means I should have no problem staying caught up over the summer, since I have a lot of adventures planned even without going to camp. But right now, we're going to talk about an important weekend.  Rabbit had his birthday, turned thirty, and his ex finally moved out of the house.  It was an amorphous blend of stress, sleepless nights, surprises, kink, exploration, rediscovery, and unbridled joy.  At the end I went home exhausted, but wishing it could happen again soon. The first night he had work early, but his ex was also supposed to be gone before he left.  We both wound up staying up all night trying to listen for her leaving, and making sure we didn't hear them going into somewhere they shouldn't.  Rabbit and I would do little touch checks while in bed to see if t...

 I intend to take more classes than I often actually get to.  Sometimes I forget to go looking for them, or sometimes life happens and I forget that there was even a class that day until the evening, when I realize it ended six hours earlier. When I do get to them, it's a mixed experience.  There are times when I know I'm going in just to get information to better help my own classes, with seeing how things are worded, or finding points that I would only touch on, but should instead make a focus.  There are also classes that I find go far too 101 for anyone to really feel engaged with. Sometimes though, we get classes that cover things that we know going in, but are the right reminder at the right time.  And I had one of those recently. Around the same time as what happened in my last post, I sat in on a class about owning one's submissive identity.  It didn't cover many topics that were earth-shatteringly new, but instead posed questions that encouraged fi...

We've hit that point where Lux and I are more seeing silly symptoms of stress.  Life has happened (and continues to happen) and we're both going through a ton.  As a result, we're noticing some of the standard responses from our brain. It means we're both super horny, while we're apart, and craving all the things. Well, he's craving all the things.  I'm apparently at a point where it's all a bit more specific.  I've stopped wanting violence the same way I normally would.  Instead I'm wanting controlling force, that comes from a place of possessive power exchange.   It's not that situation which is near a stereotype of wanting something different.  It's not that I feel like I need to let go of being in charge.  Hell, with things going on, I'm feeling out of control of everything around me, and the entirety of my day. I want the comfort of having control in the hands of someone I trust.  To feel the steadiness that I'm doing what I ...

 I saw something on Fet a week or so ago.  A writing that talked about submission, and how it's great when someone is doing things they're happy about, but that submission really matters when you're doing something you didn't want to. As I read it, I hated it.  It tried to seem respectful of consent, but turned victim-blamey, and encouraged those no limits types of power exchange that aren't healthy in any frame. I got angry at it,  upset with how popular the writing was.  It wasn't meant to be hot, but an actual point of view, and it was getting people agreeing with it to a point where I couldn't help but be off put. Submission isn't giving up consent, ever.  If you just don't share something earlier, it doesn't mean the domly person is entitled to something else.  The only time that this is ok is in a highly negotiated situation, where time is invested, and an immense trust has been built. Where submission counts extra, is when it happens natur...

 The first week or so after getting back from Kitty's was tough.  A lot of stress, mostly brought on by others, that started physically settling again. But at the same time, I had an amount of ambition.  Things to do, and projects to juggle.  A routine that involved daily and weekly tasks, both to take care of myself, and things happening.  Not just having to hold time before traveling again meant I could put more on myself, and that was centering in a way, and helped me process all of the stress. And here I am, only about two weeks from when that visit ended, and I'm feeling a bit stressed, but much closer to normal. My mind is telling me that I'm doing alright, in it's own weird way. I'm not just craving touch, sex, or pain.  I'm back to wanting power exchange, to take on service, and centering possessiveness.  Something that while would have been welcome, wasn't on my mind for most of the beginning of lockdown, and over summer.  Now that I'm ge...

Over the first few weeks of isolation, I noticed myself heavily craving power exchange.  Specifically, for someone else to show more dominance. And, it made sense.  Things were difficult, and out of control.  There was a flurry of chaos in everything as we figured out how to make this isolation, and I tried to process having people taken from me for an unknown amount of time.  I was in a bad place, and while I've adjusted to the change, and started to find a new normal, that need is still there. It made sense because even when everything is madness, I find that active exchange of power to be centering.  Not only the affirmation of having someone want to have control of me in that way, but getting to feel small and taken care of.  As much as I have no problem making decisions, and seeming bigger despite how tiny I am, it's good to not put that aside, but be submissive as well. Maybe soon we'll find a way to have that peace of mind together, and ge...

Last Sunday morning, before the mess that was my trip home, I had turned on my alarm so I would be sure to wake up early.  It went off, and Lux and I woke up, but then we both rolled over to snuggle under the covers instead of getting up right away.  I didn't feel ready to start moving, and I especially wasn't ready to leave those snuggles. Lux and I hadn't really gotten that much time in to curl up together, and after two months apart, and who knows how much more time before I would see him again, we needed that bit of time.  So with only a sheet as a wall between us and the other people in the room, we snuggled in, and being us, things didn't just stick to being gently cuddled together. We managed to stay quiet enough to not wake the others up, but it was a bit of a fight at least on my part to keep it that way.  Hands on my throat, and that quiet controlling force made me want to make noise, be responsive, and throw away that respectful silence in favor of bei...

It's been about a month now, but there have been other things I've wanted to talk about in the meantime here before writing about this particular moment. Lux sent me a link to a Reddit post, saying there was something attractive about what was behind it.  I checked it out quickly, because he very rarely sends me things like this that aren't just giggly porn.  The post was a short video, mentioning training someone, and a small video with a gesture that is sometimes shown being taught to pets.  And I immediately could tell what he liked about it, and I liked it too, in a very lighthearted way.  It wasn't taking choice away from anyone.  They were still free to express themselves, but had that moment of handing over control. It's the sort of thing Lux and I both talk about often.  That we never want to feel like there is a lack of voice, or any loss of self.  That we are people at our core, complex and unique.  He doesn't want to take that awa...

I remember when I first started really getting into the scene, long long ago, all the domly doms wanted to be called "Sir".  It was the standard honorific for dynamics, and super commonplace.  We put emphasis on these super serious committed and collared exchanges, like it was the ideal dynamic. And now, fast forward to the last year or so, and I notice things are very different.  Now, more often than not, I hear everyone using "Daddy" instead.  It's become likely the most common title for domly doms that I see and hear. It makes me think about why I don't use it with Lux.  On top of it not feeling correct for our dynamic given our sort of power exchange, I've been exploring my own personal issues with the term. Daddy feels very superficial.  Like a title of impermanence, that places very circumstantial power.  It feels fleeting, and far less committed, much like how vanilla dating and relationships have become.  To make these very surface c...

As you can imagine, there was a lot after camp, some of which was simply things floating around in my brain. In the first couple of days back home, there was a lot being tossed around in my head.  After topping again, it kickstarted that part of my brain again, and hard.  Thinking about much more fun I had during that, than the impact scene I had with a friend.  About the new people I met and wanting to indulge in my sadist with them too.  Wanting to hit the point with someone where I have domly power exchange. It was a very odd part of my brain, where for a moment, I questioned being a switch.  Wondered if I was just a top with a high pain tolerance.  It was a weird point to process and think on, and something I hadn't thought about for a long time. And then I remembered those moments where I sat at Lux's feet, and felt his hands through my hair.  Those moments of happily acknowledging my place with him, and the power exchange we've built. ...

Not everything at camp that I learned was done peacefully.  One of the biggest things for me to deal with at this event hit me hard, multiple times, as I tried to explore it and find the words to make it better. It crept in along the first couple days.  Feelings of distress that I couldn't explain, combined with selfish thoughts that I never like having appear in my head.  After that first bit of time, things hit hard as I went to hug Lux, and we needed to go and take a walk, and snuggle, and try to find words. I noticed old patterns that I didn't want to ever deal with again, and tried to talk through them as much as I could to make some manner of sense.  While it started to get the idea across, I don't think that talk helped all that much, but got things moving in my own mind. Over the rest of camp, we had moments where I sat at his feet.  Leaning against his knees in the Compound living room and feeling his hands through my hair and on my neck.  It...

There's a Fusion discord server, and I joined, because sometimes I like to be awkward at people in my day to day.  I found myself talking there a little bit, but conversations never got super deep. One day, some people were talking about what they wanted to do more of this camp, and someone mentioned just wanting to do more this year as a whole.  I said I felt the same way, and was making plans to make sure that happened.  He said he didn't know enough people to make plans beforehand, and didn't know how he would even be with his camp, and making excuses about being an introvert, and all that. I didn't allow those excuses, and told him to attend some classes, because then he'd at least find people who had some level of shared interest.  Told him that I'm socially awkward, and have trouble with new people despite being an extrovert.  Conversation moved, and he started trying to test the waters, and eventually it turned into him saying that he's into CBT....

Like I said before, Lux and I have been discussing a lot about our dynamic, and how we want it to evolve.  And with conversation about our power exchange, and things that have happened, Lux had mentioned knowing that there is a difference between slave and submissive. Which, even after more than five years, we never actually talked about that difference.  Much like the rest of our dynamic, we kind of just fell into something, and it happened.  And so, we decided it was something else to talk on. Lux simplified it to a slave being a continuous thing, and a submissive being something that only occurs during sex or play. I recognized that there are submissives who have a continuous dynamic though, and had to figure out how to explain it. I found that I had to look at a submissive as someone who is continually submissive.  Someone who is powerless and passive to their domly person (obviously with the exception of actual issues).  A slave has more blan...

Lux was way out of town last week, of course right after most of his move, so he was practically dead. While he was spending a day travelling out there, we did a lot of discussion on how we wanted to play more.  How we felt about it now, why we haven't played as much, and a lot of other things.  We talked about how we want to try some different things, and what would help us work through things in order to play far more often. It was decided that we need to do more work with abstract ideas of scenes.  Not elaborately worked out concepts, but more a single line that can create a train of thought. And this helped a ton.  Because we can take a few things we want to do, figure out a line to stand for that, and it makes a very open ended theme, which isn't as difficult to work with as no prompt at all, and easier to work with than a scripted scene. It's resulted in bringing on a lot more power exchange this week, and talks of having a lot more play when I do get t...