A New Devious Chapter

 After the weekend of madness that was Rabbit's birthday and my parents travelling, I had what I was hoping to be a little over a month until my next big thing.  With Squishy having the idea that living with the gnome will magically make everything better, I decided to send her there for a month.  It would be longer than a visit, and would actually give her an idea of what it would be like living there.  Rabbit immediately saw that as a chance for me to spend a long time with him, and while initially I was planning on doing a few days at home first, it would be a long process to get to that. At the beginning of the month there was a scramble to get things done at Rabbit's place.  He has been on his last thread with the friend who moved in at the beginning of the pandemic, for many reasons, and recently made the decision to let two other friends move in.  That did however mean moving himself from having a bedroom and a music room to just having one room down...

 Ok, now that the holidays are almost done here (with the exception of the pile of birthdays), I can share about the last couple of weeks of the year. I mentioned before the new year that we had an emergency trip to keep Squishy safe.  That meant getting home just before Channukah, and where we would have had a few days to prep, I instead had one.  Luckily, I had done most of the prep well beforehand, and with my mom paring down the holidays so much, it was fairly easy.  It wound up not being too bad, and was good to actually share another holiday with Rabbit, because I'm still getting used to sharing holidays with a partner. There was only some frustration with Squishy not understanding that you prioritize holidays over extra curriculars, and my mom trying to claim that she did everything for the holiday, where realistically, she made two things.  I let Squishy open some presents each night, and she was happy with all of them, and surprised by a few.  Far ...

 Sure, we may be past the new year, but the holidays aren't quite done yet, like every year for me.   This year got an extra bonus though, with so many people acting like the pandemic is over, I felt like multiple times a day the week before Christmas I saw friends announcing they were covid positive.  Two days before Christmas, my sister told us she was exposed, and we had to tell her multiple times that she wasn't to come over on Christmas day, and we would deliver her food and gifts.  On the same day, the gnome's family tested positive, and so he couldn't take her for her break.  I had already made plans with Puppy, so last minute I needed to shift things around and ask my parents to spend the time with her.  Honestly, this wound up making everyone happy, so somehow it worked out for the better. Christmas wound up quiet, and about like normal.  Puppy showed up a little early, and that let us wind up back in Philly that evening, to have the long...

 I'm fried. Since coming home from my trip to see Lux, only a couple of days after I got home, I've had more and more piled onto me that's put my stress levels through the roof.  Squishy has been behaving similarly to last summer, with some even worse things happening, and the gnome is just now realizing what she was doing, reacting poorly toward her which is making things worse, and now minimizing what I dealt with because he had to deal with a whole week at a shot of her being difficult. My parents have been horrendous lately.  I've been trying to manage things happening, and reminding my mother of dates and things that need to be done, and she's either not giving an answer to things until the last minute (then getting upset when someone can't make it to something), or completely ignoring time and what is happening when.  It's made harder because where I can take things on to help, and have generally done so, I need this information from her in order to kn...

 I didn't realize it until a day or so after, but last week marked a decade since kicking out the gnome.  Ten full years without living with the abuse he showed me every day. It didn't mean an end to abuse in my life altogether, but could not have been more necessary for me at that point, considering it was the one time in my life that I was seriously contemplating ending my life, and had really felt like I had lost myself.  While I've instead had to deal with new shitty behaviors from him, every time it reminds me of how right I was to have him leave. And while he's existed on the life escalator society pushes on people, but more or less declined as a person, I've managed to push for personal growth on all fronts. I've learned to build healthier relationships, in all ways.  It means I have different friends, but they are better overall, and people who help me feel supported in my life.  I've also learned about how I am polyamorous, and how to balance that i...

Two days ago, while sure that I would basically get what I had wanted from the hearing, but still nervous, I sat with Squishy to find dates she agreed with for the summer.  Times to travel that are long enough to do contact tracing and be aware of symptoms, but work with anything happening over the summer, and make a decent balance. Yesterday morning, I had the hearing with the gnome.  A ball of nerves, compacted with some issues with Squishy that morning.  Once everything had started, I listened to the judge, and as he spoke, after he got through the routine of rules, I could hear some cheer in his voice.  He sounded fairly pleasant, like he was having a good morning coming into work. I knew, that so long as I was polite and prompt, I had nothing to worry about. And as our hearing began, and we were sworn in I felt better and better. From the beginning, I could tell with the judge looking at the record that he wasn't going to tolerate anything.  And the...

I woke up on Thursday still in the process of my mind settling, but prepared for a more peaceful, and productive day.  I knew I had a lot to do, but was prepared to try and get it all done. The morning was met with some smaller speed bumps, mostly due to my own anxieties, but nothing horrible.  While making lunch I saw a voicemail and went to listen to it. The gnome actually filed a dispute claiming I was forcibly keeping Squishy from him, and there would be a hearing that afternoon.  And because Squishy was in the room when I played the message, already worried about being forced to travel, she was a mess.  She was mad at her father, who she didn't feel comfortable talking to previously, and now felt like she couldn't talk to at all. I spent the day anxious, but knowing I had nothing to worry about.  He had no real leg to stand on with a dispute, and that was made very clear as soon as the hearing started.  The judge brought up that there was no re...

For a few weeks, Squishy's paternal grandfather was in the hospital.  The gnome was quiet about it, until one day he had Squishy hand off the phone, and told me some things that weren't true about his diagnosis, but said that he probably wouldn't last the week.   And I was a bit upset that he wasn't telling her.  She should know what's going on with family members, especially in harder situations like that.  She should have had time to mentally sort it out.  While the gnome's mom had passed away a few years ago, they had never met or spoken.  Squishy had regularly seen her grandfather, even if he didn't really know how to interact with her. The gnome eventually said that he had tested positive for Covid, which I could tell from what he had been saying previously.  Two days later, he passed away.  I made sure the gnome was the one to tell her, because he shouldn't have to dump that on me like he does everything else.  And then I had to ta...

I have no idea what brought it into my head.  Strange moments of feeling off in my mind, bringing things up from long ago, and noticing how my mind has changed. Out of nowhere, I remembered being out with the gnome.  Before he and I had even started dating, walking through South Street in Philly.  Passing by a store, and seeing a choker in particular design I had wanted for a while at the time.  I remembered pointing it out, and when he asked about the one I wore every day, I mentioned it was one I liked, but wasn't the exact type I wanted, and had been given to me by an ex. He responded by taking the one I was wearing off, throwing it in the trash, and going into the store and buying the new one.  At the time I was still a teenager, and wasn't entirely aware of everything behind this act.  I thought him hopping on me mentioning something I had really wanted was endearing, because usually the things I make a point to say are something I have wanted a...

Coming into August, there was very little planned.  The gnome had left the month in the air in regards to taking Squishy, given the hectic nature of the wedding, and said he might only take her for a long weekend.  Camp is the end of summer, right before Squishy starts school, so it isn't an option for me, and means I don't see people there either. Well, after talking to Lux and telling him that the month was empty, I made plans with Dansa.  She said she wanted to come down for a weekend with her new pup, and see how she would get along with Oliver.  That booked up a weekend right in the middle of the month. And a bit over a week ago, the gnome decided he was taking Squishy.  He handed some dates to her without talking to me, and after confronting him to adjust them, which I may talk about later, Squishy agreed to an amount of time she and I both were happier with.  This meant a random week that I wouldn't have a Squishy home. Given how this summer ha...

Last weekend the gnome got married, to the girl he only wound up actually seriously dating because he got her pregnant three months after meeting her.  Squishy was involved in the wedding, so this was all I heard about from him for the longest time. A few weeks ago, while picking Squishy up for a visit, he scrolls through his phone, and suddenly gets pissy.  He was throwing a fit, because his niece got a tattoo.  Upset because she should have considered the wedding, and the sleeveless dress.  First, I told him that the artist she wanted may be very difficult to book, and he kept going.  Then, I stopped him, and asked how his wedding gives him agency over her body.  That he shouldn't care about tattoos on her body, because she is who they asked to be there, not her unmarked arm. He shut up, because he realized there was no winning. Moving a bit more forward, just after my birthday, ma's friend came over.  We all sat in the dining room talking, and...

This last week meant both mine and Lux's birthdays have passed, and we're each another year older. While he's just another step into his thirties, I've now officially left my twenties. It's a good thing I still look twelve. Squishy asked me if turning thirty meant I had to become an adult.  By that she meant acting like a stuffy old person.  She seemed very upset with the idea.  It was rather cute. Lux's birthday I was home while he was out with friends, getting completely smashed.  Apparently, even though I was barely getting half sentences, he was damn near poetic with a handful of other people.  When he went and read back over a lot of it he wound up apologizing to me because of how he was acting with everyone else.  Had he not pointed it out and apologized after saying it, I probably would have gotten a bit upset, but this made it more funny than anything. He can always make it up to me later anyway.  I didn't even tell him that, and don'...

A while ago, a game came out called "A Normal Lost Phone".  It was an awareness story-telling sort of game, that covered real world issues, in a great way to show the shit people deal with the early years of their life. Well, the creators made a new game.  This one so aptly named "Another Lost Phone".  And it is only the tiniest bit different from my time with the gnome.  To the point where I noticed what was going on in the first five minutes, and called every single detail before it was said. Kitty thought it would act as a mind fuck for me, and if I wasn't so completely over and past that chapter of my life, it might.  However, I found it interesting to see how clueless people are to it, unless it's thrown in their face.  That I wanted more people to see this game, for the chance to bring more light to how some situations actually go. That people do get forced and trapped into a home.  That they are manipulated into a situation that doesn't al...

When I was sixteen, I remember sitting at the computer, and deciding that at some point, I wanted a body piercing.  Because it was me, I then went about researching different piercings to see exactly what I wanted done.  Most of the piercings out there looked at the time rather unappealing to me, but I really enjoyed the way pierced nipples looked.  I loved them, and decided that I would at some point have it done. Well, then I was dating the gnome, who, along with any other form of self expression I wanted, tried to fight against me ever having the piercing done. Then, on April 21st of 2011, I decided to go and have them done.  It was a gift to myself for finally getting rid of the gnome, and gaining new independence and sense of self. I unfortunately had also already started playing with Thrax. Well, he decided that these piercings were something that he didn't need to care about.  He pressured me to stretch them faster than they should be, and if I we...

Today marks six years since I kicked out the gnome.  Not even on the day I had planned, but when he tried to pull his manipulative bullshit so close to when I had planned it for, that I pulled the trigger early. So often, my needs and words were ignored.  Even when I was so depressed and my stress levels were so high that I had vertigo that left me unable to turn my head without nearly collapsing (but still taking care of an infant despite this) and told him that I had started having suicidal thoughts, I was ignored, and instead he shoved at me that I made him want to kill himself suddenly.  Trying to weaponize my thoughts, and wanting to be treated like a human.  Everything I would tell him would be ignored.  Everything I said was a problem, and would be shoved down so hard with a big dose of poison and attacks.  I wasn't allowed to have a voice. And then, six years ago, I was done.  Done having that poison shoved down my throat to shut me up. ...

I recently was talking to some folks, and when talking about exes, I mentioned some of the things that the gnome and Thrax had done.  I said it all casually, just like normal conversation.  After they got over their surprise of how much I'd dealt with through them, they said they were glad that I'd forgiven them for my own peace of mind and healing. I very quickly corrected them. I'm not the type to forgive a person for things they've done, and I definitely don't forget.  It doesn't bring me peace, or help me heal or anything like that.  What I can do though, is move on, and realize that they aren't worth my time any longer, or the effort to actively wish them ill. I'm aware of what they've done though.  Always.  People don't change.  They don't deserve to be treated like everything is bright and shiny for everything they've done.  I will take what they've done as something to learn from, and never stand for anyone doing similar...

Both of my last two relationships were incredibly emotionally, and at times somewhat physically abusive.  To be honest, it's something I've dealt with my entire life, and currently as well from my parents, but I'm focusing more on those last two relationships in this case.  And while a lot of it had a shitty effect on me, it's also helped me become a better partner I think.  I know the effects it has, and I don't want people to ever feel that way.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, I feel like you can't really be conscious of it all unless you've been through it. Things like balancing partners, and making them both feel cared about, even though it's something I've pretty much gotten used to, is something I still worry about and make sure I manage.  I know how it feels to be tossed aside just for the prospect of something new and shiny, or because someone has decided to stop giving a shit.  I hate the idea of ever doing that to a partner, and if I ever...

It's been a really weird week for interacting with old friends. I had a weekend with a couple of my oldest friends, catching up, and playing games.  This went well, and I'm glad that it happened.  I stayed up far later than I should have, but it was fun, and that's what matters. However, one of my friends who was causing issues last fall has been trying to get me up to visit.  And, recently, Felix's mother passed away, and they are having a get together to support him, and she's trying her damnedest to have me there.  To the point where she changed the date to work with my schedule.  The thing is though, I don't really want to be around her anymore.  The last half dozen times I've been there, while simply trying to keep up with conversation, she's reacted to what I say with complete irrationality, attacking me, telling I'm wrong, and horrible, predjudice, and a shitty person.  Everyone that I explain this to says that I deal with similar enough at ...

So, as of writing this, I am at Lux's place. The gnome said he was going to take the beast for most of her spring break, and so Lux wanted to capture me for a couple days, to get me away from my family, and so we could get in much needed snuggles and sexytime. And, despite him repeatedly saying I don't have to, I've spent the morning cleaning up the place.  He'd just try to get cleaning done while I'm here, before he heads south to spend time with his parents, and that time could better be spent sucking his cock.  So, I will clean now, to enjoy myself more later. Also, he tries to balance a lot, and so I enjoy doing what I can to make his life a bit more peaceful.  We're both so busy during the next month or so, that he needs it, and the extra snuggles that we'll have time for then is something I need.  And, when I'm not cleaning I can play with chainmaille instead of doing the crochet project I should be doing. Hooray!

While I never had a terribly large pool of partners at any one time, I've always had a fairly active sex life.  Even in my younger teens, before I started having intercourse, I was fooling around with a few partners several times a week.  I always thought this was normal. I didn't acknowledge the idea of where my sex drive laid out on a scale, because I didn't have female friends to bounce off of, and talking to any guy about it just made them think I wanted to fuck.  So, I figured wanting to have some sort of sexual contact constantly was just how things were for everyone.  In fact, I remember Kitty at one point stating that he never expected me to want to fool around as much as he did, because his sex drive was so high, and wondering what he meant, and that I thought he was normal, due to wanting to fool around as much as I did.  I surprised him further when I told him how often I was hooking up with guys, and he remarked at how while he had significantly mo...