A New Devious Chapter

 While I could talk about the holidays here, and everything entailed with that, it's the first post of the new year, so I think it's a good time to look at how different my life is compared to when I was writing and reflecting one year ago. And hell, so much has changed.  While in many ways, I'm still me, and this is still my life, my everyday is incredibly different. Someone who I thought would be around forever dropped me like a wet towel.  Did the exact thing that was done to him, and couldn't even talk to me about it.  I found out that he was sneaking around, hiding things, and who knows what else, and I surely hope that eventually life catches up and he gets what he deserves. I gave someone else a second chance, and he couldn't see how clung on he was.  When I fell further away, he grabbed on tighter, and when he nearly murdered me, he tried to make himself the victim.  It was a tie that went from adjusting and loosening, to cutting and ridding myself ...

 Amidst cutting ties from Puppy, there were a few final times that I had to talk with him.  One was to get back some books I had lent him.  My response to this was just to buy new copies, and if he wants the book I have of his, he can ask for it.  The other was removing myself from the D&D campaign I had been playing with him. We had started the game back in January, and for the most part only played one session a month.  I was the only player at the table that had played with someone other than him, which meant I was the only vet at a table full of noobs, and that's fine sometimes, but not when everyone is afraid to actually roleplay.  And, honestly, I just didn't want to deal with him anymore.  Trying to have conversations with him had turned entirely infuriating, and with how Puppy ran the games, he couldn't keep track of anything he'd told us, and was changing details constantly for whatever he wanted in the moment.  To top it off, so many...

 It took a bit, but I finally took a bit of time to talk to Puppy about what happened.  And, it went as well as I should have expected it to. While he opened with asking how I was feeling, immediately after I started saying that I was healing, he sent a message saying that he didn't mean to hurt me. And that's great and all, but I wouldn't do anything with him, let alone be friends with him, if I thought he had any intention of bringing me harm.  Not to mention that regardless of what he meant, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  I tried talking to him about it all, and getting him to understand the severity of what happened.  I also mentioned the trauma response that I had the morning I left, and rather than understanding, he thought me running was the trauma. In response, he decided to use that moment to admit to having had feels for me, which I knew.  He thought that was a way to apologize somehow, and I just got quiet, because I didn't know how to respon...

 Remember how I said I had a lot of adventures at the end of June?  Well, as of writing this I'm only a couple of days in, and damn if it hasn't already been a trip. Puppy showed up on the Sunday evening after he was done with father's day obligations.  I was still having the off moments of feeling unsure around him from the weekend prior.  Even when we were curled up watching one of my favorite anime, I never quite got comfortable.  After everything that had happened lately, I wound up exhausted early, and we got to bed, where I slept like a rock. The next morning, Puppy and I had sex, and while I wasn't quite into it, things were a little better than the weekend before, so I attributed it to my overall mental state, and trucked along.  The morning went quietly enough, although the gnome pulled some annoyances that I should have expected, and got us out the door a but later than planned.   And then the universe started throwing bricks at me....

 When I got home, while Rabbit's now ex had finally moved out, he didn't have a lot of time to process.  I was there for a good few days, and he had work, but he wound up with the full weekend off.  And that first day, at a certain point, I get a message saying that things started to hit.  That suddenly all the change, and the realization of how dark things got, and how much of himself he sacrificed over the last few years. So I gave him patience, and presence, and the understanding of someone who has been in those spaces.  I gave him the space to sit, and process, and get himself past some of the initial hit. And then a few days later, I had something happen.  Something that tore me apart, caused me to spin, and made me feel far more broken than I had in a long time.  I was typing with a handful of people, but knew Rabbit was asleep, so while I sent one message, I didn't expect a response.  He eventually woke up, saw it, and called me.  When...

 It happens every spring, or at least it did, until the pandemic first hit.  I go from one or two things, until close to Easter, and then I barely have time to breathe. And this May, is right back to that.  Puppy asked if he could crash here in order to make Mother's day easier, and while I'd hit a point where things were difficult on my end, I told him I would be busy, but he was welcome.  It wound up actually being a decent time, and while I still need to have a serious talk with him (which will hopefully happen after he's here again this weekend) it definitely made me feel better about keeping him as a decent friend. Also, we tried a thai place nearby, and it was fantastic. This coming weekend we're going to a new renn faire that some friends of mine are performing at.  It'll be a long adventure, but one that I'm looking forward to after years without going to one. The one weekend I was supposed to have free, I found something interesting that I sent to Rabbi...

 A couple of weeks ago, Puppy was out to visit again.  There was a small ren faire at a nearby historic village, and we had rescheduled our session of D&D due to some conflicts.  When I asked around to who else was going, another friend, Rabbit, said he intended to be there.  I informed everyone that we'd be attending with Squishy in tow, because she was going to be home that weekend, and it was a plan. And that weekend, I got the reminder of how often I take the role of guide, and step up in whatever way is necessary.  The night before the faire, Puppy couldn't make a single decision about what we would do with the evening.  Because he's not as familiar with things in the area anymore, I tried throwing ideas at him that he hasn't known about, but he had the same approval of them all, rather than having one that jumped out.  Eventually I just told him to head to a place down the road that I knew he'd enjoy, as well as having to make the final decis...

 Recently, there was a night where Puppy couldn't get to sleep, and it wasn't yet my normal bed time, so we were chatting.  We were talking about a handful of things from when we were young, and I was explaining about how it has affected how I view people in my life now, because of the poor examples and situations I had growing up.   As a response, rather than saying he's grateful that I've learned to put so much care into people who are decent to me now, or that I've figured out how to navigate things in a healthier way than I'd been taught by my family, he made a comment that had me go off on him a little.  He just said that he was hoping that while he and I have a friendship, he manages to put more of his optimism into my life, because he thinks I deserve.  And he's often commented about how I should just find something to be happy about because he doesn't like me being upset, on several occasions before this. Which put me solidly in the camp that I c...

A couple weeks ago, Puppy came to spend a weekend here.  I suggested he stay here because of some changes to his living situation, that might make some of what we had planned a little more difficult.  It also gave us a chance to do more things around here, because he's rather clueless to the area since moving away, as both his parents don't really have interest in going to do things. What we did have planned though, was starting the D&D campaign he's running.  I  still feel a bit awkward being part of the game, because the rest of the players are all his brothers and their spouses.  I'm also the person with the most experience, so it's a bit of a process to make sure I'm not just taking over anything going on. It's also the first time seeing Puppy since really mentally processing not having feels for him.  I'm sort of trying to guide things so he understands where I'm at without being so blunt it fucks him up.  It's also a process to navigate...

 I was sitting in another room one morning in the beginning of the month, having my coffee, and getting myself sorted for the day.  There wasn't anything on in the room I was in, so I could hear everything else going on in the house, and noticed my father mention my mom getting cards for Valentine's Day.  She said she only got a card for him, and didn't get anything for anyone else this year. And then it started.  He was suddenly super concerned over who was going to get me something this year, asking if it would be Lux.  My mother, in the most condescending tone, commented that he's never gotten me anything for Valentine's ever.  My father was surprised, then asked if Puppy would get me anything.  She said that I wasn't dating Puppy, and they started on about how he seems like he's trying. Then it turned into them saying that he's already done more for me than Lux ever has, and started a huge shitfest on saying that I'm being strung along, and just ...

 In the midst of everything that I'm juggling (which had more piled onto it) I had a day of a ton of running around recently.  Picking up things for my mother demanding my time, as well as some grocery store stops to get stocked back up on many things.  While out, we decided to get lunch, which had a silly moment where I thought I wouldn't get what I'd ordered, then wound up getting it with extras. On the way from lunch to the next store however, I had something click in my head.  Something that finally made sense after contributing to the anxiety I've been dealing with for the last month.  I don't have feels for Puppy.  I want to keep him around as a friend, but there's more pressure from many angles that I should have feels for him that made me so anxious.  He's not so gently pushing for me to say we have a serious relationship, and other people are waiting for me to say there's something official.  Not to mention that I don't think he's in a s...

 Finally, we hit the end of the holidays here.  All the birthdays are done, and big obligations.  Sure, we still have things coming up, but they're smaller, and don't require actual work.  I'm looking forward to the little things that those involve, and just getting to have fun. Squishy had some friends over for her birthday.  They both live right down the road, and while as loud as you would expect three young barely teens to be, they're good kids.  I'm glad she's made some better friends than she had, and has settled into the middle school fairly well.  I've unfortunately had to have words with my mom a few times about them though, because she keeps insisting that they're all girls despite being told otherwise multiple times.  It's irritating, and I try to be extra attentive of my language with them to help them all feel better. The weekend after, I went out to Philly for Puppy's birthday, because apparently I'm never allowed to find people...

 Sure, we may be past the new year, but the holidays aren't quite done yet, like every year for me.   This year got an extra bonus though, with so many people acting like the pandemic is over, I felt like multiple times a day the week before Christmas I saw friends announcing they were covid positive.  Two days before Christmas, my sister told us she was exposed, and we had to tell her multiple times that she wasn't to come over on Christmas day, and we would deliver her food and gifts.  On the same day, the gnome's family tested positive, and so he couldn't take her for her break.  I had already made plans with Puppy, so last minute I needed to shift things around and ask my parents to spend the time with her.  Honestly, this wound up making everyone happy, so somehow it worked out for the better. Christmas wound up quiet, and about like normal.  Puppy showed up a little early, and that let us wind up back in Philly that evening, to have the long...

 The last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind, on all fronts. Squishy has been getting dental work done while with the gnome, and not only was it causing her to lose days of school, but the orthodontist has been doing things to her that make zero sense, and even less when I actually go to look up more about the process.  Because the gnome is sucked into having some manner of procedure done on himself, he's been avoiding talking to me so I can tell him to take her to just remove everything and be done. On top of that, we had two major holidays in two weeks.  Thanksgiving was simple, and fairly quiet, but with that start a week of complete madness.  The following days meant prepping for Channukah, putting up the Christmas decorations, getting gifts wrapped, the cookiepocalypse, cookie boxes, and a hundred other things.  I've been responsible for the vast majority of it, with Squishy only being more difficult every day, my father screaming at everyone constan...

 Normally this week, I would want to try to spend time with Lux, and I do, but with him dealing with some things, he didn't have the spoons to have me there for a week and take care of planning and such.  Not wanting to lose out on seeing someone during Halloween weekend, I wanted to still do something.  Puppy asked about my availability in the next few weeks, so we decided to spend the last weekend together, because we both needed some calm hangout time with things going on, or things that will happen. So on a rainy night, we made the trek back out to Philly again.  We had no real plans, just that we wanted to have some drinks, he had school work to do, and we would relax together. He asked if I wanted to go do anything for Halloween, and I told him that I still wasn't comfortable with big gatherings yet, especially out where people would potentially be unmasked.  Top that with the number of accidents we saw on our way back from grabbing bagels, and we were qui...

 I'm pretty sure I mentioned a beach episode a couple of weeks ago, and looking forward to it for a myriad of reasons.  That I had wanted to take advantage of a long weekend, see Lux after not getting to for a couple of months, and have a good reset.  He unfortunately hasn't been feeling well though, and couldn't join us, so we decided to postpone. And so I was left with a long weekend and no plans. I poked around a little, to no avail, trying to find a way to take advantage of this time, and enjoy some company. Meanwhile, a Puppy friend of mine and I have been slowly talking more over the last year.  We had a falling out due to things that happened on both our parts, which caused us to have a divide for a good while.  He's also had a hell of a year, with going through a hard breakup with someone who fucked him over mentally, got injured and needed surgery, started juggling both school and work, and just recently is dealing with loss.  I've tried to be more...