A New Devious Chapter

 Last month had that one week of the year where I keep losing people.  The anniversary of Frankie, and numerous others. And while I was doing my rewatch of Buffy, I got to the musical episode.  Something I had been looking forward to from the moment I decided to do the rewatch.  It didn't quite work as intended though.  What started off as me singing along loudly, quickly turned into a thought spiral.   Last year, Felix passed away.  Right in the beginning of the pandemic, when it was one thing and another, without the time to process any of it.  And as much as I made some comments about him when it would come up in conversation, I never really took the time to sit with losing him.  Suddenly, I was singing along to something he and I shared together.  We would randomly full songs together, had plans to do with that episode, and felt true joy when singing together.  And in a moment, I went to gleeful, to confronting the fact tha...

The end of the first week of isolation with schools closed was hard.  Teachers were difficult, parents were worse, and Squishy wasn't helping. I was already mentally compromised, and running on fumes, but trying to keep chugging along.  And then I got a call to tell me Felix, who I've mentioned here, passed away.  It was definitely a death that hit me harder than the majority have in the past. Now that I've had a day to process, it's still weird, but I'm better.  It's still weird though, hitting that point where someone who was a partner of mine is gone.  That's something that I haven't yet had to figure out mentally. It feels very strange, losing someone who never lost their infatuation with you.  That unrequited love that we never did figure out exactly how to work around.  That awkward thing we worked around because of mutual friends, and genuinely wanting to be able to figure out a friendship that made us both happy. I realized that eveni...

So, go look at the very first post in this blog as a reminder, because it makes this post a bit funnier, and have more meaning.  Go on, I'll give you a minute. Did you read it? Got it all fresh in your head? Good. That party I skipped out on last weekend wound up being a complete clusterfuck.  Lux is actually glad I wasn't there for my own safety.  It seems that crazy feminist friend had gotten super drunk around Thrax the last time he visited without his girlfriend, and they wound up making out, with him not remembering any of it the next day.  Last weekend, she wound up doing the same with Felix.  After they were done, she amusedly told him about the time with Thrax, and his girlfriend heard.  She flipped shit, and jumped on Thrax, physically attacking him.  Crazy feminist pulls her off, only to get attacked herself.  Once they put enough bodies between the two of them, his girlfriend threw a fit to have someone drive her home (which wound u...

It's been a really weird week for interacting with old friends. I had a weekend with a couple of my oldest friends, catching up, and playing games.  This went well, and I'm glad that it happened.  I stayed up far later than I should have, but it was fun, and that's what matters. However, one of my friends who was causing issues last fall has been trying to get me up to visit.  And, recently, Felix's mother passed away, and they are having a get together to support him, and she's trying her damnedest to have me there.  To the point where she changed the date to work with my schedule.  The thing is though, I don't really want to be around her anymore.  The last half dozen times I've been there, while simply trying to keep up with conversation, she's reacted to what I say with complete irrationality, attacking me, telling I'm wrong, and horrible, predjudice, and a shitty person.  Everyone that I explain this to says that I deal with similar enough at ...

There's a lot of logic that goes into everything I do, and all my odd trains of thought.  No matter how outlandishly beyond the box I may go, there's still a line of (somewhat) sound logic to go from.  This goes into my kink as well, and today most specifically, power exchange.  Now, if you look up any LP of Bioshock, it'll turn into a ton of comments about how anything they say in response to the Little Sisters sounds wrong, and make a ton of Big Daddy jokes.  It very much puts the spotlight on how daddies are caretakers in the kink sense, and if age play is concerned, it's very much not pedophilia.  And then it reminds me of how Lux will occasionally say he has a craving to be called daddy, but doesn't expect it from me, because of my personal dislike of age play. But, that title isn't just age play, and I'm very aware of that.  The reason I don't use that title is because it's not the dynamic we have.  Daddies to me are the protective caretakers...

While perusing the Tumblr, I saw something on one of those random little surveys that someone had done.  A question that asked if the person had ever cheated on a partner before. Their response was that they hadn't physically, but they had emotionally. And this got me thinking about when the gnome accused me of cheating on him emotionally with Felix.  After he had been cheating on me with some unknown number people, lied to me constantly, treated me like shit and a myriad of other things. No, I'm not saying cheating should ever be a justifiable option, but his accusation was based purely off of his own insecurity.  He was being an asshole, so he assumed I must be too. Cheating is a conscious decision.  You make the decision to do something, the decision to follow through, and the decision to keep it from others.  Drunk isn't an excuse, depressed isn't an excuse, you yourself make the decision to do something you feel you need to keep a secret. And deve...

So, I'm typing this fresh from Lux leaving the apartment.  It won't get posted for a week, but I'll explain that later.  I want to type up about the last couple days while it's all vivid still. This is the first Valentine's day I've had single in a very long time.  While it didn't get me down, it was still a little odd to think about.  Thrax would be at work, and then leaving as soon as possible to go to PA, so I'd be completely alone for most of the day. Well, Lux is also slightly more recently single.  A while back he had mentioned that he was upset that I was leaving before Valentine's, and when I asked, he said I would have made a good distraction from all the emotional stuff that he'd be likely dealing with. Then I wound up staying, and took this job upon myself to be his distraction.  I didn't think of it much, up until the night before.  However would I keep a hot sadist with a sex drive as high as my own distracted throughout th...