A New Devious Chapter

 The last month or so has not been the easiest, for anything.  Squishy has given me no breaks in her behavior.  My parents are being their normal difficult selves, as well as finally realizing things that I've brought up to them multiple times.  I've had some things crawling around in my brain that are important, but still hard, and even with doing things to help my mental state, the thoughts have stuck around, or been proven even more true. Things have been challenging for everyone lately, and so while trying to be understanding of them, and not dump onto them, I feel worse because I can't do anything helpful either.   I've realized I'm craving just the chance to relax.  At all.  The few times Squishy has been gone I've been in such a garbage space that I can't let myself relax, and I don't have the space to reset at all, because most of my stress is still right here.  At the same time, because so much is going on with everyone, I'm not getting time

 Over the summer, a friend wound up getting a ton of spools of rope "seconds".  Perfectly sturdy jute, and all full spools, from a good quality rope maker.  They had some small aesthetic issues that kept them from being able to be sold as normal. And so, this friend started passing the spools around.  One to Kitty, one for Pyre, and apparently, one for me. During the first span of lockdown, I had thought about learning to self tie.  I was drawn to the idea of learning the skill as a challenge for myself, and as something fun to do.  I however, had no rope. Here I was now though, with a whole spool, needing to be cut, finished, and treated.  Requiring all the work that riggers would need for a full kit, rather than newer rope tops, who would normally opt for something lower maintenance, or at least getting something fully treated. It's interesting thought,  cutting it down myself, and learning to finish the ends.  I'm going through and whipping them in different colors

 Over the course of summer, I found that even though I was spending time with people, my dysmorphia was more often than not acting up an incredible amount.  Once the summer was done, and I was dealing with things home as well, my body image plummeted, dealing with all the tics brought on by real dysmorphia. I'm sure it didn't help that over the summer I started to feel like an obligation, and even if sex wasn't happening, treated like there was no attraction at all.  No words or gestures to help me fight the voices in my brain, even tiny ones.  And because my brain only overthinks once it starts going, there was no real way for me to dig myself out at a certain point, especially after telling Kitty how much small gestures help, and having none. Now that I'm taking things into my own hands again, and trying to make better habits, it's giving me the time to quiet the bad thoughts, and start to create the space for better ones.  Even a week and a half in, I am noticing

 At the end of summer, something happened that changed a lot of things for Kitty.  It caused him to be rather upset for a few days while I was there, but also made it so that Pyre had the chance to stay with him a bit longer.  The thing was, we didn't know the timeline on that change. Because it's me, my mind started in on quite a few ideas.  Having the chance to take advantage of these change of plans, and create some things that would potentially make the polycule as a whole happy.  I didn't tell anyone though, because things were in the air. Unfortunately, now I won't get to. That timeline is coming to an end soon, and it's causing a lot of shake up on things.  Pyre is a bit of a mess trying to juggle everything going on, and making a plan to get out.  And likewise, I now need to be aware that the chances I have to travel down there are probably no longer an option. And while I know I can get by without these things, and that I don't need time out with people

 Last week, I grabbed an app to track what I eat, and my exercise.  I was curious what it would do for me, if I went into it telling myself that I wouldn't remove anything from my diet, but see how it influenced me overall. It's making me more aware of my movement during the day, and encouraging me to do at least a bit of something every day.  I'm also noticing that I enjoy logging everything in.  It makes me feel like even if I forget some parts of my day, there's still something I completed, and that it's meant to help me be a better, healthier me. I'm more mindful of what I'm eating as well.  It's not stopping me from things, but it's encouraging me to only eat when I'm actually hungry, and removing all the little bits and snacks throughout the day that I was making excuses for.  It's already had an effect on how my body feels, and how I think it looks as well.  Not massive, and it's that start of change thing that happens, but it'

 The last couple of weeks have had a huge downturn in my mental state.  Both the situations with Squishy, and some other smaller things have caused my mood, motivation, and mental health to be on a continuous downward slope. It's caused me to not be able to get everything done that I've wanted to during the day, which of course makes me feel worse.   I'm trying to make myself tackle things in bite sized amounts.  Any progress is still progress, and so long as I'm managing through each thing on my daily list, it means things are being accomplished. As much as I can, I'm trying to enforce self care.  I'm trying to get back to working out regularly.  I'm trying to eat healthier things, and doing loose calorie tracking, just to get an idea of how it affects me.  Just getting back to working out more often though, has managed to create a bit of an upturn, that I always forget happens.  Even during the start of my cycle, which normally results in me feeling lazy,

 I saw something on Fet a week or so ago.  A writing that talked about submission, and how it's great when someone is doing things they're happy about, but that submission really matters when you're doing something you didn't want to. As I read it, I hated it.  It tried to seem respectful of consent, but turned victim-blamey, and encouraged those no limits types of power exchange that aren't healthy in any frame. I got angry at it,  upset with how popular the writing was.  It wasn't meant to be hot, but an actual point of view, and it was getting people agreeing with it to a point where I couldn't help but be off put. Submission isn't giving up consent, ever.  If you just don't share something earlier, it doesn't mean the domly person is entitled to something else.  The only time that this is ok is in a highly negotiated situation, where time is invested, and an immense trust has been built. Where submission counts extra, is when it happens natur

 Squishy going back to school, and doing so remotely hasn't been terribly smooth.  We've had trouble almost every week with one thing or another, but luckily, most of those things were able to be fixed.  She's also on a device provided by the school, so they have software that allows her teachers and the staff to see what she's doing, and either close things, send messages, or even block things in order to keep the kids on task. Last week though, after she was done with class, and as we were finishing up lunch, I got a voicemail from the vice principal of the school.  As I went to call him back, I got a call from my mother, as they had also contacted her.  Apparently she'd spent the day, on her school chromebook, on the day the class got access back to youtube, watching videos when she was supposed to be paying attention to school.  Worse yet, was that those videos all were entirely inappropriate content for her age anyway, not to mention to look at on a school devi

 This year killed a lot of plans for me.  Destroyed a lot of things I had wanted to do, and killed a lot of motivation in its tracks.  It has caused me a lot of anxiety over not doing everything that I've wanted to, but as we pass this six month hump of the pandemic and the effect it has had on society, I'm finding myself coming out of that slump.  As a result, it's giving me more ideas on things I am thinking about starting into.   I'm thinking about a starting a new blog.  Something that covers all the creative things I finish, whether books read, recipes tested, or things made.  Reviews of how I enjoyed them, how they worked, and things I needed to do with them.  I think it'll encourage me to stretch myself more, and think more deeply about all of the arts I consume. It wouldn't stop me from posting here (though I may go down to one post a week, which potentially could mean longer, more in depth writing here as well) as that space wouldn't hold much going