A New Devious Chapter

A couple of weeks ago, the new Addams Family movie came out.  I grew up watching not only the movies from the 90's, but also the cartoon, and the show from the 60's.  They were something I loved, and was very aware at a young age how all the characters were unique, but really just people. So, when Squishy expressed interest in going to see the movie, I was all for taking her to see it.  I wanted her to get to see something I loved as a kid, and share it with her, because I knew she would enjoy it.  At the same time, I was worried.  Having it be an animated movie gave too much of a chance for them to go off the wall, and far from the Addams of past. While driving to the theatre, Squishy asked about the characters and such.  I explained to her that they were honestly not all that weird, and sort of eccentric old money types that were just weird goth people.  Well, the movie was exactly what I was worried about.  There was a handful of references, but it felt like a kids mov

Lately, I've noticed a lot of bad habits in my bedroom.  I'm pushing things to the side, and letting them pile up without taking care of them completely.  At the very least, it isn't going to help my mental space, and looking at it everywhere is starting to affect me noticeably.  I'm finding that I put off cleaning it up, and that's making me feel crappy for not managing it. Last week, I decided to finally start doing some serious purge of things and cleaning.  All the bits I've been putting off, and going through all the spaces and things. Even if I just do a small area each day, seeing it slowly take shape is affirming and motivating, which is a fantastic change of pace compared to how I was feeling.  I'll also be at a point where I don't have to sort through unnecessary scraps and bits to find things I need, which means that work now will make things easier afterwards. We're coming into a hectic and stressful time of year, so it's best t

Lately, there's a lot of talk about weddings and such happening.  Friends getting engaged, already being married, or about to have a wedding.  There's just a ton of it. Meanwhile, I've been with both of my partners long enough that we've seen people meet, get married, and divorced.  Seen relationships rise and fall, and people grow apart.  Luckily, people have stopped bothering me about the state of things with my partners and relationships. It has me thinking a lot lately on how much pressure we put on being married.  That as someone female, this, and having a child are the two most celebrated and expected things that can happen.  Things that aren't even necessarily the accomplishments of that person, but with someone else as well.  That this cookie cutter life escalator just leads to the celebration of involving others in our lives. And yes, finding someone who wants to deal with you forever is worth celebrating, but not in the same way at which we do.  Peop

We're getting close to the holidays.  A time of hectic preparation, stress, and celebration.  It's also a time of routine, and tradition. I've gotten a pile of poor news in regards to the holidays lately, and it's shaking up some of my favorite parts of this time of year.  Removing the few things I take joy in, and making me look forward to the coming season even less than normal.  I've been told we aren't having Channukah at all this year.  Channukah starts just a few days before Christmas, and so my mom doesn't want to figure out how to do both, which means she just isn't.  It's upsetting, because I always prefer Channukah over Christmas.  It was always that holiday of less obligation.  When we invited everyone over, so we had some excuse to spend time together during such a busy period, and celebrate family and friends in the way the holidays should be, and without the obligation and forcefulness of Christmas.  Not having it is sad, and I will

I've noticed myself pointing out a ton of the red flags in many of the relationships I see lately.  Friends who have partners that I'm not terribly fond of, because even in front of others I see behaviors that aren't healthy long term. What I haven't been doing though, is looking at and considering the green flags that occur in relationships, including my own.  Those things that point out healthy dynamics, and help create strong, happy bonds. So, instead of the things I avoid or run from, a short list of things that me feel closer to a person: Remembering little details or preferences.  As much as I enjoy variety, I can be pretty predictable when people pay attention. Listening to me, completely.  I'm generally careful about my words, especially when speaking, and even asking a line of questions to move a thought along can help me process something while someone listens. Sharing little details.  I like learning about people, and feeling like I'm worth

I think I've mentioned on here for the entire life of this blog how my parents treat me, and even when in front of each other, it's almost encouraged.  Especially though, in the behaviors of my father.  I likely have a record counting several times a week of my telling Lux when my father shows abusive behavior towards me. Well, the other day I was having breakfast, and heard him yelling at my mom, in a very similar way that he does to me all the time.  When I went to take care of my dishes, he started blaming a ton of things on me that I hadn't done, and screaming at me for them.  When I started calmly saying I wasn't responsible for any of it, but was still starting to go through the motions to fix it, he cut me off, yelling at me to shut up, and how he was "sick of this constantly from such a bitchy piece of shit".  Because he was yelling it right in front of my mom, she couldn't claim she didn't hear.  Unfortunately, rather than flat out telling

I was watching something a few weeks ago, and there was a specific scene that stood out to me.  Something that set up conflict between two other characters, while showing the declining state of one of them.  And in that scene, I remember seeing one of those characters being a downright amazing actor, and showing some intense sexual energy and attraction to someone else. And the processes in my brain were so clear to me.  Given the state I was in, my first reaction was how much I wanted that directed towards me.  I wondered why I didn't get that.  It lasted a moment or so, before my mind practically shot a spotlight on all the things that did express just that when I saw Lux last, and that I do have that exact thing in my life, just not regularly, because we have to deal with distance, and life. I've been using mental exploration as a way to get better, but I'm definitely not there yet.  However, this was such a blatant example of how mental state can affect the things y

As I've mentioned, I've been trying to take more pictures of myself to help with my dysmorphia.  One of the things I noticed with the new camera I'm using, is that it distorts images a bit, and I've been learning to work with it.  At one point I joked that since I had a camera that did some funky stuff, I should learn to take instagram butt pictures, and how to pose for them, and learn that I have a better butt than most of the butt models on there. Well, I did, because it seemed like something fun to do that day, and I thought it would be a good way to push myself.  And honestly, I didn't hate the pictures.  They didn't make me happy at all, but looking at them when I took them didn't make my skin crawl.  I decided to share them with Lux, because he would appreciate them. While he did, he also made comments about me taking pride in them, or showing off, or whatever.  And I know that was his brain trying to make the situation hot, but as he made those co

One of the biggest things I've noticed with how I've been feeling, is how active my dysmorphia is.  How little I want people to see me, and how that feeling of panic over having someone take my picture has returned. I had it to a point where it wasn't terrible for a while, but in the last year or so, it's gotten bad that even having people see me in public makes me anxious, not for how I dress or my hair or anything, but for my body itself. And, I can't live like that.  I try to keep my dysmorphia from actually stopping me doing anything, but the anxiety is still there, and no one can survive with that. So long story short, Lux did way too much for me, and now I have a far better way to take photos.  With this, I've decided that I need to not only take more photos of myself, but try to take interesting ones, and post more online. And I've been doing so. It's hard.  Like, really hard. Taking pictures of myself isn't the worst, but I get ni