A New Devious Chapter

While I was riding on those fumes after getting the news about Felix, I was grasping just to get through the day.  I went to shower before getting ready for bed, and while there, standing under the water with nothing other than my own thoughts, my brain went spinning.  And for some reason, it decided to focus on why out of everything else, I'm not really into a lot of verbal degradation.  It wasn't hard for me to figure out.  I get verbally and emotionally abused almost every day, by people who are supposed to care about me.  For as long as I can remember, and even in front of my child, I've been called everything in the book, over and again, without the option to say anything in return. I remember when I first explained how I'm treated to Kitty, and he looked at me while he was only 22 or so, and said that he was amazed I wasn't an addict.  That I wasn't taking drugs to try and get through the day with what they put me through.  And then top that off with y

The end of the first week of isolation with schools closed was hard.  Teachers were difficult, parents were worse, and Squishy wasn't helping. I was already mentally compromised, and running on fumes, but trying to keep chugging along.  And then I got a call to tell me Felix, who I've mentioned here, passed away.  It was definitely a death that hit me harder than the majority have in the past. Now that I've had a day to process, it's still weird, but I'm better.  It's still weird though, hitting that point where someone who was a partner of mine is gone.  That's something that I haven't yet had to figure out mentally. It feels very strange, losing someone who never lost their infatuation with you.  That unrequited love that we never did figure out exactly how to work around.  That awkward thing we worked around because of mutual friends, and genuinely wanting to be able to figure out a friendship that made us both happy. I realized that evening

I knew, after Pax that the next chance I would have to see Lux probably wouldn't be until Easter.  Usually I try to get up to see him if I can, because the last couple of years that's been the only time we see each other in the spring.  While I'm not happy about the long windows of distance, I'm prepared for it, and know we both need to take care of our own things in the meantime. But now, with the enforcement to stay indoors, and being told not to travel, I am noticing my touch starvation even more.  All I want is to curl up with Lux.  To have the time just with him and no plans that we don't often get.  It's difficult dealing with touch starvation here.  Especially given everything around me, and the toxic environment.  That every day is a fight.  And then add in that I am the type of person that knows how important getting out of the house is.  Adding in touch starvation makes it a thousand times worse. A lot of things are hard right now, but all I need

We're all being affected by COVID, and so I have a feeling my next few posts will have to do with that.  Squishy is homeschooling for at least two weeks.  It's a good thing I get everything done from home, and know how to do the work she's currently doing, so I can help her while trying to get things done myself. At first she was excited, and wanted me to lay out her day, do school work on the weekends, and all manner of things.  She has since woken up, and realized that this isn't playing school, but actually having to create her own sense of self-motivation, and buckle down to get through things.  She's losing steam as soon as she has anything that isn't a quick assignment, despite my making sure she has plenty of different things to do during the day. It's very different from how I was as a kid, and still am, as someone who wants to constantly get things done and accomplished.  I was the kind of kid who would have tried to knock out all the work giv

There's been a lot going on in my head since returning from Pax.  It's not all bad, but simply taking in everything that happens around me, and trying to give it all some time and exploration. I've had people wanting to make time for me.  People who appreciate my patience, and how it's given with only the smallest bit of presence in return. While at dinner one day, I asked Lux how much I was going to need to ask for in regards to us being covered for Fusion.  He said he wasn't sure about the event, and rather than having that disappointment over him not wanting to be there, my mind went elsewhere. I thought about how nice it was last year when he and I had a week that was figured out somewhat last minute, but we had very little plans.  We just enjoyed each other, were present when we could be, and had time we needed together.  We made that effort to give time.  And that means a lot to me.  I realized I need more from people than saying we'll go to an eve

Leading up to Pax, I tried to keep things tied up well enough that I didn't feel like I was overwhelmed with things I should be doing instead of having fun.  It's a fairly normal thing for me, to have things I wait to start on, or time things out so I have a window of very little left in progress when I am traveling. I knew that when I got back, it would be back to drawing for me again.  I had taken a couple of months off from drawing for books to keep myself from burning out, and so it gave me a good chunk of time to work on other things.  And I have, in many ways. I knew coming back, I would have a good many things to do, and plenty to keep me busy, but things have turned in a way that have me looking at a mountain of things to do. In the first two days alone of being back, I was reminded that I have a ton of baking to do, was asked to do sewing, and asked to make a pattern for a project I would have to paint soon after. Put that on top of my own constant projects, an

Last Sunday morning, before the mess that was my trip home, I had turned on my alarm so I would be sure to wake up early.  It went off, and Lux and I woke up, but then we both rolled over to snuggle under the covers instead of getting up right away.  I didn't feel ready to start moving, and I especially wasn't ready to leave those snuggles. Lux and I hadn't really gotten that much time in to curl up together, and after two months apart, and who knows how much more time before I would see him again, we needed that bit of time.  So with only a sheet as a wall between us and the other people in the room, we snuggled in, and being us, things didn't just stick to being gently cuddled together. We managed to stay quiet enough to not wake the others up, but it was a bit of a fight at least on my part to keep it that way.  Hands on my throat, and that quiet controlling force made me want to make noise, be responsive, and throw away that respectful silence in favor of being

Lux and I made it to Pax and home again, after a lot of difficult obstacles and things.  I've even managed to get through my first one without catching any sort of pax flu, despite how common it is for everyone to catch. Mostly, we were there to spend time with friends.  It was a good social time, even if a reminder of how I am far more extroverted than everyone else.  There were also reminders that how Lux and I work is far more subtle and unique than the other dynamics often around us.  It often makes me happy that people don't quite get how we work.  Like a reminder that we really have made something that just fits us. However, it was my first pax, and it was a really interesting sort of event.  I don't think this year was as busy as intended due to corvid, but there were so many fantastic cosplays, and still plenty of lines.  I saw a ton of smaller titles that caught my interest, and had a bunch of tabletop games brought back to the front of my mind that I had wa

About a week ago I went onto Facebook. At the top of my feed, was a picture memory.  A photo of a shoot I had done to help a photographer in the area who was starting a new project.  I was in some amount of dance stuff, and I saw how my body has changed over the years, and how I presented my body. And yes, my body has changed.  I some ways that I'm both happy, and unhappy with, even without my dysmorphia speaking for me.  I also present myself a bit differently.  And I noticed that as I went into all my old pictures.  Looking at the things I had changed that I thought I needed to do differently in order feel more put together. I noticed, looking at those pictures, exactly what I was trying to change about my body when I made that change, and wondered if I was helping or hindering with what I had done.  Was I making the change in my body more noticeable, or was I actually avoiding the look that I feared due to my dysmorphia. The thoughts and concepts spun in my head, but not