A New Devious Chapter

 Amidst it all, we have even rockier roads.   I found out last minute that the weekend after Chanukah had Squishy going up to her father for one last visit before Christmas.  I had enough things to do that I would have been busy at home, but told Rabbit about her leaving as soon as I knew.  Without pause, he asked if he could come get me for the weekend.  I brought up his returning to work, and so it sat in limbo a bit, but I told him that instead of getting specific things I needed to do, I could accomplish some other tasks which would make a lot easier. Rabbit had prep to do for returning to work, and still needed to finish the yard after the neighbor filed complaints.  Where I had intended to get other things done, I wound up helping with that all weekend, after we had said things were more relaxed than we thought, and there were other things that I needed to get done.  We also wanted to go and spend time together, having not had the chance to ...

 After all of the explosions on all sides, I had two days home to try and get things done before heading out with Rabbit again.  I was suddenly dumped with the mental load of a home that expected me to do without any regard for anything, and it was quickly affecting me.  Even with everything we were juggling out at Rabbit's, I found it easier on my mental state than just being home for two days.  He saw what was happening, and felt badly for me.  I explained that this has been what I was raised to think was normal, and he immediately felt stressed about it, and wanted to get me out of the house and moved in with him. However, we got Squishy home from school, and all packed up to head out.  The plan, even with the obstacles, was to have dinner with his parents for Chanukah, and then the next day he could tackle the yard while we cleaned in the house, and then have a Friday dinner at his place.  Most of his parents' friends weren't feeling up to celebrat...

 Thanksgiving may have been last week, but that doesn't mean it isn't time to show appreciation.   This year especially, I have a mix of things to be grateful for.  While I want to talk about the year as a whole soon, I can certainly be thankful now. I am thankful for drive, motivation, and inspiration.  Having a partner with ADHD means that I've seen what finite energy looks like, as well as the freezing, or inability to self start.  I've learned that not only do I manage to gather ideas as the people with ADHD can, but I have the drive to start them and stick to it.  I also manage to keep up with more than most people can due to my time management. And while mentioning ADHD, I'm grateful for my desire to learn, more than most years.  By knowing that Rabbit is diagnosed, I have something to learn about, and where I would normally be frustrated, I understand where our minds work differently, and likewise can try to find ways to help him function, ...

I got home from my week with Rabbit, with only just over a week to go before Thanksgiving.  By the end of the week we had mostly settled after the situation early on, but with so much that had to happen during the week, we still wanted time, and had some lingering anxiousness. Before starting the drive, we talked about it, and he was sharing that he was feeling guilty about things turning out the way I had thought they might.  I told him that we had adjusted during the week, and we made sure we got time together every day.  Then we asked if we each felt we had gotten what we wanted to out of the week.  While we wished we had the chance to go do something together, we were grateful for the time, and he was feeling productive, and like he was moving towards better and healthier habits. Overall, we were finding enough positive in the week, and agreed that what we needed was a day where we just spend time for us soon.  Much like the weekend we took for our anniversa...

 I spent the week after Halloween at Rabbit's, after many speedbumps and difficult brain spaces in the time beforehand.  We got there, and had some things set up, but with his back still acting up, we didn't get to make the plans for the week that we had wanted.  What I needed was decompression, and I didn't know how I was going to get that. What had stacked onto things, was that on top of our sleep schedules still being very different, a new game had come out that was basically a remake of something Rabbit played a lot.  It was something that needed a lot of time, and consistent time in that was keeping him strapped to a computer most of the day.  So a few days into the visit, he went to show me something, and commented that I didn't want to hear about it.   Something I should point out, was that of the majority of the time that the gnome was living with me after Squishy was born, he was unemployed.  Rather than taking care of the child he forced...

For wanting October to be calm, there was so much to juggle and adjust for, and we've managed to find the silver linings in all of it, or make the best of what we could.  In many ways, we're recovering slowly, but things are tough, and I'm put in a lot of situations that are forcing my hand in ways that I don't want to so soon. A brighter part is that I may stop posting here as much.  I still want to try and write up a post a week in order to help me process my own thoughts and stay organized, but I've decided to pick up a monthly vlog, and so I may not need to write here as a trade off.  It's appearing to be more difficult to try and get the video clips than anything, but I'm sure that will get easier with time. I'm trying to get more ahead with things like writing, drawing, and making videos to help with the busy holidays coming.  With my house still having zero intention of doing the cookiepocalypse again, I'm sad, but it is giving me extra time t...

 Recently, Rabbit and I had our one year anniversary.  For the first time in so, so very long, I got to celebrate the length of a relationship.  As much as we have both certainly learned that the health and quality of connection mean more than the timespan, it felt good to celebrate a year passing in the way that it has.  There's been so much in the last year, and so much that we've learned and healed just by being together that this one felt big. We started the weekend with Rabbit still feeling a little guilty that we had to change plans.  Initially I had gotten us a little private cottage and we were going to go to a renaissance faire where one of my favorite drum and pipe bands was performing.  With his back however, we scratched that, and I cancelled the reservation, opting instead to get a room in a nearby historic town we've been meaning to visit together, which would be much less traveling and walking, so thereby easier on his back and legs.  I ...

 Since coming back from my last long visit to Rabbit's, there has been a lot going on, but also a return to routine with the school year starting.  It's been helpful in a lot of ways because it gives me some set time to get work done, and get through everything on my list, rather than just trying to cram things in while everyone is demanding my time. And because of that, I can get more done, and really sort out all of my priorities, as well as look at the things that will be more worth my time in the coming weeks and months.  When I know I have set time to do things, I can often get what would three weeks worth of work while at Rabbit's place all done in four days at home. So with that, I've managed in the first few weeks of September to get my youtube channel set for the rest of the calendar year.  All the audio is done, and the videos are rendered and uploaded.  It's a major thing off my list, and I have the beginning of the year planned in a way that will mak...

 We come upon another new year with the high holidays rolling through.  This year started out oddly, and certainly didn't wind up like a normal year, but was a good change of pace.  With having a Jewish partner, it means that rather than navigating things like Christmas or Easter, we need to sort out the many Jewish holidays, on who goes where, and how we celebrate. My family as a whole more or less has been threatened by their doctor to finally behave like diabetics, and so they've been much more strict with their diet.  Going up to the holidays, as my mother makes the exact same things for every holiday she was incredibly clueless.  When I offered to make two or three things (which she wouldn't have to put in any work for) she tried to stop me from cooking, and I said that it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than buying seven little containers of each tiny thing.  That made her quiet down, and so it very clearly became another holiday that I would cook ev...

While Rabbit is trying to heal, there are times when he needs to be able to stretch for the comfort of his leg and back, and he is choosing to do that in VR.  He can feel like he's running and jumping around like a normal person.  Evenings in particular are difficult for him, as his back is strained from going about the day.  This means that most of the night I would be alone while at his place. At the same time, I needed to be on top of my sleep schedule due to Squishy starting school soon.  I was making sure to go to bed by a certain time, and had an alarm for far earlier than Rabbit was waking up.  In some ways, this was nice, because I was able to get a lot of my work done in this time, without having to enforce that time alone.  It however meant that outside of going to appointments, or running errands together, we had little more than mealtimes sharing space, and with both of us being home, and it being my last long stint there for a while, I was feel...

 One of the things that I was concerned about with this last visit to Rabbit's, especially with his still being injured, was getting to be able to get work done.  I'm used to holing up at his place when he has a long work day, but having to get things done with him there hasn't worked the best in the past.  Between wanting to spend time with each other, him not being able to do much without my being present, and things going on in the house that have some spaces less friendly right now, I was incredibly worried about getting things done. The last visit, when he first wound up out of work resulted in me not getting anything done other than necessary product postings for two weeks.  I couldn't take that time off again, knowing that while I was ahead on some things, I was also quickly catching up to deadlines on others.  It wasn't going to look good if this visit also resulted in my not being able to get things made and done.  So I told him leading up to the v...

 Months ago, I picked up tickets for what I had wanted to do for my birthday.  Initially, it was supposed to be open well beforehand, but then as time crept forward, I noticed myself being more set on what normally happens, and didn't expect it to open.  I was sad, but tried to find a backup plan, and unfortunately couldn't find something.   Then with Rabbit's leg and back, and him going out of work, I knew that most things we wouldn't be able to do.  However, where we had thought we only had a certain day, this meant we had more time if we did find something.  That's when I saw a message about the soft opening of where I had bought tickets for.  Rabbit offered to still go, but he could barely do ten minutes in the car, and the thing involved crawling and exploring.  I wanted the both of us to be able to run around and explore, so as much as he pushed, I told him that because the tickets were good for a year, we would have plenty of time. So ...

 I'm home from my month with Rabbit, and while not the month we wanted, it was certainly eventful, and an overall good experience.  We both came out of it happy to not feel done with each other, and still wanting to curl up and spend time together after so long.  At the same time, it was a tough month overall. Rabbit has had some issues with his back and leg since we went to Israel.  They started to get better after a few weeks of us being home, and then it started getting worse again.  A week or so into my visit, he could barely get through a work day, and often came home early.  After some plans went awry with one doctor, we finally got to a chiropractor to start having him get better.  The one we wound up seeing actually wound up being fantastic, and told us that it was something that would completely heal, but wound take time. That meant he would be out of work, which started with a single week off, and has now turned into short term disability whi...

There's been some weird things going on in my brain leading up to this long visit with Rabbit.  I'd been coming to grips with how much I was people pleasing, and losing track of my ability to figure out and feel the things that I actually want.  It's had me second guessing a lot, for a lot of reasons. I had times when I doubted how I felt about Rabbit as a whole.  Leading up to telling him about the beans, and eventually ordering them, I had that digging excitement that I wanted to tell him, and I was so excited about the decision.  Worrying about when, or how to say it, and everything in the vein.  The day I told him I felt more sure of it than anything before in my life.  And then as the couple of months after it went on, that digging excitement left, and as the novelty of our relationship has worn off with a big trip under our belts, and real life taking the forefront, there's less of that constant giddy love in my brain all the time. And it had me think...

The day that Rabbit was feeling overwhelmed, we first went to drop off something to my brother.  Squishy had plans to go meet friends, so we didn't have to be up and moving super early like we normally would during the school year.  When we did get out the door though, we initially had plans, but it didn't quite work out.   However, while on the ride, I don't remember what prompted it, but something came up that had Rabbit saying about how he didn't need group sex anymore because he had me, and that I wasn't interested in it.  I told him that regardless of me, if he wanted to do something, we'd figure out a safe way to go about it that made us both comfortable and happy.  He assured me that if he wanted to, he would tell me, and that he understood that I wouldn't provide everything he might ever want, just like how I couldn't do some things for him.  Then he gave the example that he couldn't do impact the way I want, because I don't see him that ...

As I continue to get caught up on things here, I was reminded of something that happened about a week before leaving for Israel.  There was a massive relationship landmark, which for many, would now consider Rabbit and I, nearly eight months in at the time, to have a real relationship finally.  Amusingly enough, we didn't even realize it at the time, but we wound up having our first fight.  And of all things, it was about money in a way, which makes it count double. Leading up to the trip, I had wanted to send Rabbit money to cover expenses.  His parents wanted me to pay them back for the ticket, which I was prepared for, and likewise intended to pay for everything else I did.  We both use different platforms to send funds normally, so I asked him to set up one so that I could send him money, and brought it up regularly, in the months and weeks leading up to the trip. Well, while many times he legitimately forgot, and I try to stay patient because he can't juggl...

While in Israel, I was talking to my mother, and she mentioned an old friend was cleaning her pond, and wound up shattering her ankle.  She would need some heavy surgery, and my parents intended to go out there for a couple of days to help give a hand as she recovered.  I told her we would look at dates once I got home, but I planned to be gone for most of the weekend after I returned, because it was Rabbit's birthday.  She asked for then twentieth time when his birthday was, and I reminded her, with the same landmark of being the day after my grandmother. A few days later and I'm back in the states.  We have a day or so to recover from jet lag, but rather than just some relaxing sleep and getting through a mountain of laundry, Rabbit was in the middle of moving rooms around, due to some roommate issues, and other friends moving in.  We got a call during our trip that had Rabbit dreading conversations that needed to happen, and were keeping him from sleeping....

 One day my parents get home and I help them bring in some rocking chairs that need to be assembled.  They're going to be put together in the house, and then put on the front porch, my mom having finally decided on what she wanted.  The old man asks me about something he doesn't know about, then starts yelling at me when I go to explain it, because apparently I'm wrong, even though he didn't know to start. I went upstairs afterward, and thought about it.  I thought about how different my relationship now is with Rabbit.  How we listen and care, making sure to respond rather than react.  We learn from each other, both with the questions we ask, and as well how to respond to issues.   There's a part of my mind that's constantly yelling because of it.  That love and a relationship can't be this peaceful.  Something this healthy and considerate must be a trick.  It tells me that I should run, before I'm torn apart, abused in pieces like...

 For a couple of months now, I've had the feeling that Rabbit and I are gonna make it for the long haul.  We're both committed to us, and have created a patient, caring relationship that is the complete opposite from everything I've ever experienced.  In many ways, we still have the comfortable friendship we've always had, just with the loving space of a relationship on top of that strong foundation.  I realized one day, that I wanted to make him a permanent part of my life, and even started quietly looking at rings for him. At first, I didn't tell him.  I didn't want to feel too forward, and had a lot of anxiety over some of the surrounding issues, and the logistics of them which were very in the air.  Eventually though, while spending time with him, he started tiptoeing around similar topics, and I called him out on it.  He begrudgingly admitted to feeling about the same way, but didn't go into details then.  For a couple of days afterward, we d...

 A while ago, probably near the end of March, my old man asked me what was up with Rabbit and I and our relationship.  Having just passed being together for six months, I sort of shrugged and said that it's still a relatively new relationship.  He just asked if it was looking like we might live together at some point.  I told him that I still liked him, but not much past that. I wasn't going to tell him that we had just talked about some day living together.  Likewise, I wasn't going to even remotely mention that I had already been looking at rings to pop the question to Rabbit. So he started on about how we've been dating for a while, and how he liked him, and then kept saying all the things that reminded Rabbit of himself. And I won't lie, there was a moment as he said it that my brain tried telling me that because he liked my boyfriend, I couldn't.  That anyone like him was going to be horrible for me, and anyone he likes is clearly not the right option....