A New Devious Chapter

Coming into the end of the year, Lux has been mentioning goals for next year a lot.  When he first brought it up, I had no idea what I wanted to focus on next year.  Normally, I would have a long list of little tasks I wanted to be able to cross off, but nothing that would necessarily promote growth. While I do want to continue to learn all sorts of little things, and improve in many ways, I wanted to find something more substantial to try and work on this year. And, I want to work on me.  More specifically, how to take care of me. I have over time sort of lost track of how my own self care works.  I know that the more stereotypical gestures don't work, and normally I would look at simply being productive as a way of feeling better and clearing my head.  The problem there is that if I'm not constantly making or doing something, I tend to slowly feel worse and worse, making me think that if I'm not doing something, I'm wasting time and space. So I need to find th

Not only is the year about to end, but an entire decade.  All over social media I've been seeing pictures of people in 2009 next to them now. And, for me a picture can't do it justice. So, some major points of the decade: I had a kid I was engaged I ended not one, but two abusive relationships I both lost, and reconnected with my teenage best friend I learned that I am polyamorous, when I don't have abusive partners I had my first belly dance performance, which only encouraged me to learn more I started teaching dance I started publishing my own books I experienced a many many more aspects of kink, and how to build a healthy dynamic I ended toxic friendships, and started new healthy ones I discovered that I am not cisgender I found a proper name for my sexuality Overall, it's been a decade to learn.  Whether it's learning from good experience, or having to learn the hard way, I've become smarter, wiser, and stronger. Here's t

I think every parent hopes that their child feels safe talking to them.  I know one of the biggest things that gets considered when I teach Squishy about anything is that in the future, she'll be comfortable talking to me about important things.  At the same time, I've been the one to teach her about all manner of actual life topics, which she wouldn't learn about anywhere else. And before I go further, I'm going to mention that I did get her consent before writing this. A couple weeks ago, I am at the bus stop to get Squishy after school, and she runs off the bus and yells something at me that I don't quite get.  I ask her to repeat herself while we walk home, and she says that she likes a girl and thinks she might be gay.  I mention her liking boys, and she says that she does, and that in this case she might be bi.  It's all just sort of matter of fact how she says it with me.  No hesitation, and far easier for her to tell me than on occasions when she had

There's been a lot going on with Squishy lately, I know.  She's getting to where there's a lot of things happening that I can try to teach her about that are more mature topics, and apparently she's comfortable enough to talk to me about those things, but that's for another post. I still get up with her every morning to try and get her ready for school.  She needs another person to sort of kick her in the butt, and make sure she gets everything done in time to make it to the bus stop.  Oliver also thinks putting Squishy on the bus is his job, and he's not allowed to go by himself, as much as that would make things far easier. While she gets herself ready, we sometimes groan and fail to wake up, and sometimes there is actual conversation.  One morning, we're sitting there, as I slowly work on my coffee, and make a comment about something.  Squishy starts yelling about how the person I had mentioned was cheating, even though it was a silly situation where

When I wrote my last post, we were still digging our way out from bin mountain.  Buried under piles and piles of decorations everywhere, wondering if our house would ever be livable again. What didn't come upstairs was the loaf pans ma had bought last year, which spawned the idea that I wouldn't get to have the cookiepocalypse.  I told her that I needed to see them in order to adjust my recipe for yield of exact loaves, as well as the cooking time and temperature. Since writing that post we've dug ourselves out.  The house is covered in Christmas, but surfaces can be found again, and Oliver is happy that he can run around.  I brought the bins downstairs, and stacked them away, and ma went poking about.  She said that she was looking for the pans, and pointed out a bag.  I looked, and immediately noticed that it didn't contain pans, but containers that she had purchased years ago, still wrapped up, for cookiepocalypse past. She looked around at the room with all of

Thanksgiving is done, and we're into December, and I'm finally now feeling ready for winter and the holidays.  Christmas has vomited all over the house, and we've dug ourselves out of the mountain of decorations.  I'm slowly trying to adjust for the lack of cookiepocalypse, and all the different baking that will happen this year (although I'm not looking forward to that having been forced on me, and Squishy has also voiced her disapproval). I've also been working to get ahead on a lot of things.  There are a lot of things I've been able to get ahead on, and try to get done in the next couple of weeks.  The pre-planning is strong, just in case I do some travelling over the new year, but I'm managing it all really well. I have to say, I'm still not looking forward to all the family and obligation of holidays, but I'm ready for winter, and the things I want to do.  I want to bake, and cook lots of warm comfort foods, and spend time under blanket

There's been quite a few talks with Squishy about things lately.  Teaching her more interpersonal concepts, and aspects of healthy interaction.  She's finally at an age where these things are relevant, and she's going to need those tools. Well, we were playing Just Dance again, and she had picked a map that I hadn't really taken the time to listen to, because I'd only played it once.  Because Squishy was dancing by herself, I could actually pay attention to lyrics of the song "Done For Me". And in the middle of the song I started talking to her about how incredibly unhealthy the message was.  It's a duet, where the girl is singing about how she stopped talking to everyone to make a boy happy, and never did anything wrong anyway.  The guy is telling her that he's completely devoted and heartbroken, but wants to know what she is doing for him, because that isolation doesn't mean anything. It's a toxic situation in nutshell.  When I call

For the last few months, I've noticed things all over the internet talking about dysphoria in regards to being transgender.  Statements saying that you have to have dysphoria in order to be trans, or saying that this concept equates being trans to requiring some form of suffering. And it's something I consider a lot.  I'm definitely further from cisgender the more I explore the concept, but I find that my body dysmorphia is very different from a feeling of dysphoria.  My dysmorphia is me viewing my body differently than it actually is, and my brain hating what it turns that image into.  It's not a case where my body feels like it's the wrong one. I don't have any issue with having breasts, or hips, or a vagina.  In fact, after many years, I've learned to actually like the fact that I have a very naturally curvy shape.  My body for me isn't something that defines my gender, as much as it does for many people. What is an issue for me though is how to

I've noticed something popping up in articles, and had no idea what it was.  This concept of "cuffing season" that I had to look into to figure out what it is.  Apparently, this time of year we're supposed to be drawn attaching ourselves to people for the span of the holidays.  That we try to find a partner to avoid the awkward questions of our status from family, or to avoid loneliness during holiday celebrations. And I mean, I don't know if I've ever been completely unpartnered during the holidays, even with not having a partner that society sees as normal for a long time.  However, even besides that, I also haven't spent a holiday itself with the people I care about for many years.  It's been a separate thing that everyone does on their own, because we all have our own lives. It's something that has never really bothered me too terribly much, if at all.  Of course, I want to spend time with the people I care about, but no more than any oth