A New Devious Chapter

 One of the biggest conversations that Rabbit and I had coming up to the decision to be together, was one about polyamory.  While I've had multiple serious partners before, and made sure to put effort into all of them, he's only ever had open relationships where he had one serious connection, and the freedom to have sex with others.  In fact, the few times he had a partner who asked for additional relationships, they wound up hurting him, or abandoning him soon after. And that's an entirely valid reason to not feel safe with trying.  Still, whenever the subject came up, I mentioned that he might feel different if he saw he was still being taken care of.  Constantly with the thought process that he might change.  While he didn't seem opposed, he was definitely uncomfortable, and I only realized a couple of weeks after the last time that it came up how self centered the idea was. Sure, I may be capable of polyamory, I don't actually know if I need it.  I...

 Eventually, I did get home from my weekend with Rabbit, albeit tired and ready for real rest.  Squishy was already home, and so I was getting her caught up on some things.  At one point she asked something about him, and I mentioned that I'm a comfort person for him, and a place of safety and trust, due to the friendship we've built. And she looked at me, then, whether she understood it or not, said "You should be platonic partners". She then went on to say that she doesn't actually understand love, so she just tells all her friends that she platonically loves them.  Which sounded far more like her, but that one moment, had far more wisdom behind it than I think she realized. Mind you, she knows that I'm polyamorous.  She knows that I practice relationship anarchy.  She even knows that I am aromantic.  She's very used to me having a strong connection to people, and showing them care without having to have a romantic relationship, and I think it's help...

 In the midst of everything that I'm juggling (which had more piled onto it) I had a day of a ton of running around recently.  Picking up things for my mother demanding my time, as well as some grocery store stops to get stocked back up on many things.  While out, we decided to get lunch, which had a silly moment where I thought I wouldn't get what I'd ordered, then wound up getting it with extras. On the way from lunch to the next store however, I had something click in my head.  Something that finally made sense after contributing to the anxiety I've been dealing with for the last month.  I don't have feels for Puppy.  I want to keep him around as a friend, but there's more pressure from many angles that I should have feels for him that made me so anxious.  He's not so gently pushing for me to say we have a serious relationship, and other people are waiting for me to say there's something official.  Not to mention that I don't think he's in a s...

 I want to end this year with something that I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Especially with what I spoke about last time in regards to Felix, I've been doing a lot of contemplating on the concepts of relationship anarchy. Realistically, this is something I've been doing for years.  Just in having the dynamic I do with Lux, where we are happily cultivating our own sort of relationship, without the usual expectations and steps like cohabitation and the like.  We've instead focused on doing what's healthiest for us both, so that we can be sure that whatever we're doing is best for us in the long run. I love unique relationships.  Things that are free of the normal ideas of how partnership is shaped, and instead created based on the needs and resources of those involved.  I love letting things shape themselves organically, without putting someone into a pre-labeled box. When everyone knows they have their own form of relationship, it helps create a spa...

 I was recently talking to a vanilla friend who went through a hard breakup last year.  While chatting about various things, he mentioned acknowledging that he's polyamorous, and intending to explore that space once he's ready to date again.  I extended the offer to share what I know, my experiences, and help him sort of navigate what he thinks he's looking for before he actually starts looking, so it's easier for him to be clear with any possible future partners. And then I mentioned to him something that I hadn't really considered.  With dumping Kitty, and only having one partner, it's strangely going to make it more difficult to find additional partners.  One very long term partner can be intimidating to other people, who may think they're going to be tossed aside, or treated like they're unimportant next to the older partner.  It doesn't matter that they're wrong, and it shows that they aren't worth trying with, but it's a logical tho...

 For a while, I was trying to keep up with a side instagram.  I was posting there regularly, and it started gaining traction in some ways.  Apparently enough so that people started sending me messages.  Wound up proving to me why I need to keep everything in my life just a little separate, because people who aren't worth it definitely won't do the work. Randomly, a guy started sending me dms, and it was quite obvious that he was trying to pick me up.  I tried to steer the conversation to keep it professional and polite, while making sure to still be honest how I could.  After a few exchanges, I mentioned having a partner, and never got a response.  Completely ghosted with a single word. And while I wanted him to go away, because he was trying to pick me up without knowing anything about me, it pissed me off that he behaved that way. As soon as I had a partner, I didn't exist.  I wasn't worth anything, and he couldn't even apologize for trying to p...

 There's a lot of ways to go about being poly.  The process of having multiple partners means that you have an infinite number of factors to try and go about in a way that makes everyone happy.  While there's certainly some ways that are wrong to go about it, there's no one way that's exactly right. It was a good while back now, but it had me thinking about the idea of hierarchical poly.  Giving one partner a position and title different from another, changing levels of priority and expectation between them.  And while it's certainly not wrong, there are some people that don't like it, because they don't like that level of comparison or feeling less than anyone else. But, I think that those places will sort of happen with any polycule over time.  The demands of our lives are different, and so we seek varying things from each of our partners.  Trying to give each person the time and focus of a primary partner would take every bit of our days, leaving no...

 Often, the start of winter is referred to as "cuffing season".  I talked about it last winter as well.  That time of year when people start to feel the urge to find some manner of partner, whether short or long term, to have through the holiday season, and over the winter, when we have less time to go running about. And topped off with the pandemic, and being less able to meet new people to latch onto, it creates a temptation to go back to exes, old partners, or find infatuation with past crushes again. So even though I am barely on social media, and make it a point to not contact the people who I know won't be good for me in the long run, somehow they've been popping up.  More than one person who I know has had feels for me in the past has sent a random message, wanting to reconnect to whatever capacity. And in most of their cases, they either have a partner, or are very recently out of a relationship (nothing like a test of compatibility to actually have to spend ...

The rest of my time down with Kitty was a project.  Pyre is back down with him, sort of.  Lux helped move her back down, which meant getting some time with him, even if it was a short bit of time.  I would have liked to get some more time with him in, but he is digging out of his own life to get things managed, so I'm hoping we get time soon, but wasn't going to push. At the same time, Kitty was trying to deal with Fox leaving for some number of months.  Not just with the emotional aspect, but the mess that was the packing and prep process.  It was a long stressful situation that had Kitty running beyond fumes, and then the days afterward left him very not ok. It was hard, because half of my time there he really didn't have the spoons for me to be there.  It wasn't until the last day or so of my visit that he was prepared to actually have time with me, or contact, or anything.  There was this long period where I wanted nothing more than to help him...

It's the last real block of time I have this summer before Squishy starts school again.  While a few people had taken off time in the window of what summercamp would have been, since I generally can't be at that event, I didn't feel offput by the lack of opening in everyone else's schedules.  However, I did find out that Kitty had a week off during the time that I would be able to adventure. So, I tried for the longest visit yet this year, and Pyre came to pick me up.  I spent the weekend with her, and got to see Lux for a short period, but for the first time since Pax.  I however, got no sleep, because Pyre's kitten somehow got swapped for a shit gremlin, and so she kept us up for two nights.  It meant that shortly after getting unpacked upon getting to Kitty's, I promptly passed out like the dead. And now, we get to enjoy a fairly quiet week with it just being the two of us during the day, even if dealing with some major life things.  It will be ben...

I'm always concerned with keeping a balance between my partners.  Making sure that they both know I have time for them, giving them what I can in regards to both needs and wants.  It's something that's always on my mind, and even more so when I have them both in a shared physical space. There's also a balance I'm used to in how I think of them when I'm away.  A feeling of missing Kitty due to our longer spans of absence, and a yearning for the more frequent familiarity that I get from Lux.  Both have their own comfort in the affection and importance held, but it's certainly a different sort of sensation. With seeing Kitty twice already this summer, I've noticed myself waking up with the same sort of feeling of missing him as I would Lux.  That memory of contact, and waking up snuggled in now fresh in my mind again. It's weird, honestly.  To wake up missing both of them the same way.  To need to sort through and figure out which one I want to ha...

I remember for the longest time thinking that I was wired for monogamy.  That I could only have feelings for one person, because I typically only had a crush on one person at a time.  While spending the last day or so with Pyre though, I kept thinking about how the first couple of years I had with Kitty were.  That one of us always had another partner, and even though we claimed we were just best friends, there was absolutely a level of attraction and love that was always there. And I remember never feeling like I felt less for whoever I was dating when Kitty was around.  I had the same feelings for them both, and made sure I spent time and energy for them both.  On the same hand, Kitty had a partner he was living with, and I never felt a need to end their relationship, or pull him away from who he was with.  I made sure he had time with his partner, and enjoyed seeing the moments where they were happy. Maybe, just maybe, I've been accidentally poly f...

My birthday was the start of an invasion of people while at Kitty's place.  Something that started quiet, and while never got insane, was certainly a pile of people.  During the day, I went about making lots of little things happen, while Pyre worked.  At one point I took a break, and actually spoke with her therapist to help answer questions, and give him a better understanding of how our polycule works.  It was very interesting to see him try to wrap his head around it as a concept, and affirming in many ways, to see him happy with how we work, and the healthy dynamic that Pyre and I have. People started showing, and Kitty got home, and while he didn't have time to let his brain relax, was certainly being more affectionate than he had been some previous days.  We made silly jokes, and the night ended with him bringing me so much laughter that I had to be careful due to having a brownie at the same time. So while Lux wasn't there, this was everything else...

Lux and I threw around the idea of going to Winterfire, with a lot to talk about.  We were unsure about timing, and how we would want to travel, and a big pile of things.  Those were easy enough to figure out, but he brought up something that was causing him a little anxiety. He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners.  Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it. And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it. Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows. It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up. ...

Lux decided last minute on the Saturday before the new year that he was actually coming down here.  Prior to that, many things had been in the air, and even with him coming down, we still didn't have a plan.  It had been more than four months since I'd seen him, longer than we'd ever been apart for, and that length of distance was absolutely taking a toll on my brain.  I worried about what the visit would bring, or if that time apart would mean that we were no longer ok. He made it down though, and after Oliver demanded many hugs, we finally got to hug and spend some time together.  And even though there was so much time, and so much space, everything just fell into stride and comfort in many ways.  It was wonderfully centering, just to have that presence. The next day we moved at a fairly slow pace.  We threw around ideas of what to do that day, and opted that instead of going out for breakfast, we would go to one of the places I had wanted to take h...

There's been a lot going on with Squishy lately, I know.  She's getting to where there's a lot of things happening that I can try to teach her about that are more mature topics, and apparently she's comfortable enough to talk to me about those things, but that's for another post. I still get up with her every morning to try and get her ready for school.  She needs another person to sort of kick her in the butt, and make sure she gets everything done in time to make it to the bus stop.  Oliver also thinks putting Squishy on the bus is his job, and he's not allowed to go by himself, as much as that would make things far easier. While she gets herself ready, we sometimes groan and fail to wake up, and sometimes there is actual conversation.  One morning, we're sitting there, as I slowly work on my coffee, and make a comment about something.  Squishy starts yelling about how the person I had mentioned was cheating, even though it was a silly situation where ...

Lately, there's a lot of talk about weddings and such happening.  Friends getting engaged, already being married, or about to have a wedding.  There's just a ton of it. Meanwhile, I've been with both of my partners long enough that we've seen people meet, get married, and divorced.  Seen relationships rise and fall, and people grow apart.  Luckily, people have stopped bothering me about the state of things with my partners and relationships. It has me thinking a lot lately on how much pressure we put on being married.  That as someone female, this, and having a child are the two most celebrated and expected things that can happen.  Things that aren't even necessarily the accomplishments of that person, but with someone else as well.  That this cookie cutter life escalator just leads to the celebration of involving others in our lives. And yes, finding someone who wants to deal with you forever is worth celebrating, but not in the same way at whic...

I mentioned while talking about my visit with Lux about how he was a bit put off by how long we've been together.  How instead of looking at the obvious, we should celebrate what we've accomplished in that time together. Well, Lux went to camp, and got to really examine the rest of his side of the polycule.  Seeing that they talk about being oversaturated, but still take on partners.  That they run to others with issues instead of communicating with the partner they need to fix something with.  Lack of communication, and just a poorly juggled mess of space and questionable mental safety. He noticed people not actually acknowledging their needs, but running from them.  Treating symptoms and not problems.  Playing with tons of people but not spending the time to bond beyond that rush of brain chemicals induced by sensation. It reminded me of Lux talking about his fears and discomforts.  And it made me laugh. Because that polycule reflected that f...

Remember that wedding I mentioned dropping out of recently?  The one Lux was also supposed to be in? So, we got the invites. I got mine the day before heading up to Lux's place.  Squishy handed me the envelope, and I see "[Loki Taviel] and Guest" on the front.  Apparently I had a plus one available.  I wondered why it was worded that way, and thought that maybe they just did that for both myself and Lux because my address was more on hand. The next day, I get up to New York, and Lux mentions one of them asking for his address.  Silly situations with this aside, I tell him that I had gotten an invite with a plus one.  We express our confusion, but create a fun idea. Monday morning he tells me he has his invite in the mail, and he also has a plus one. So, fun idea is in motion.  We will each invite an additional member of our polycules, and take over a table making an awkward situation with everyone.  Openly holding hands and being affecti...

With pride month happening a few weeks back, everything was covered in rainbows.  And while I have people I love and care about who do like to carry things with the normal pride colors on it, I myself don't really identify with that flag.  I am many, many things, but none of them include that rainbow of colors. With all the stores featuring pride merchandise, it made me think about how much I should make something of my own.  Something that obviously isn't going to a greedy corporation hopping on a train of popularity. It's a difficult thing though, with not being out to my parents or siblings.  Until I realized that I don't really care. So in the last week I've started making patches.  Big proud patches covering all the things I am.  There's a jacket I love that they'll all go onto, and if my parents take the time to look them up because they're curious, then I'm out to them, and they can deal with it.  If they come after me, I will just flat ...