A New Devious Chapter

I get a lot of flak in my day to day for not sticking to the societal standard life escalator.  Partially because I had a lot of shit thrown on me early on which has made that less accessible, and also due to the fact that I have never been interested in that cookie cutter life plan.  It results in a lot of people asking if I'll ever be successful with anything, because to them, if I'm not following that life escalator, I'm not doing anything. But when you break it down, I succeed at so many things. For a year I've published at least one book every month, by myself.  Regardless of the money it makes, that requires a ton of work and self discipline.  I continue to work on this, with plans of doing even more in the future (which I am actively working on). I've survived abuse, with very little support.  Instead, when I speak up about abuse to my blood relatives, I'm met with more abuse.  I have learned to communicate and be a healthy partner the hard way, a

I've been plotting out the next couple months, and while that includes a trip up to see Lux, a wedding we are going to, and a handful of other small things, it also means starting to think about Fusion. It's the same week Squishy finishes school again, but luckily there wasn't any snow days, so we should actually be able to attend the entire event for the most part.  That means more time at camp, and given that Lux and I want to do more with the event this year, that's important. I'm planning on teaching a lot more, and pulling out some interesting performances that I'll be able to tell the story on in the coming week or so.  I also want to play with more people, and really take advantage of the event. My classes are all prepped, luckily.  I just need Pyre to go through and pick what exactly I'm bringing.  This will involve a lot of new things, which I'm excited to teach, as it involves lectures, which is something I haven't done in a long time

It's officially spring. That time when everyone is coming out of their seasonal depression, and digging their feet into the new year, with a better mindspace. Unfortunately, I notice that year after year, this is the hardest time of the year for me.  This point where winter is just letting go, and things are getting warmer is when my mind is the worst.  This year, as you've guessed, is no different. The last couple weeks have been terrible for my motivation.  While I had a thousand things going on I was able to keep going consistently.  Able to balance my own projects, create things, and do for everything going on. And now that things have calmed down, even with so much coming in the near future, I'm finding it hard to get started on anything. The worst of it is that I want to do these things.  I have that desire to see them done, and now finally have the time to tackle them because I busted my ass to make time and get ahead. Yet, it's really hard for me to

I know I said that things were calming down, and I swear they are comparatively. There is just a lot happening over the next few months that you'll hear about over time. Dansa visited last weekend, as a social catch up, and some down time for us both.  I needed to give her the present I had made for her (which she enjoyed) and she had yarn for me from her stash, both that simply needed to be turned into something, and to attempt to finish a project she had already given up on. Where Squishy was supposed to go with the gnome, she wound up coming home sick on Thursday with a fever, and I wasn't going to send her with him while she wasn't doing well.  Luckily, we had antibiotics on hand from when she had gotten sick a few months ago and didn't need it, so I could put her on them right away, and she's now doing much better. However, that meant I had to split myself between being present for both of them, which is part of being a parent, but something I like to avo

Last weekend was my mom's 60th birthday.  My father decided we were throwing a party because of that.  However, he has no idea how to do anything himself, so it turned into my mom explaining everything that needed to be done, and him being an asshole in the way he told everyone to do everything. This also turned into the week before and day of, me doing pretty much everything.  It's a good thing I'm caught up on books, and just had editing to do that week, because I felt stretched thin with how little my time actually belonged to me. At the same time, I've been trying to help Lux find a new place, taking time to hunt down options that looked like they were worth going to check out.  On the bright side, he did decide on a place that I can't wait to see in person, and help him make into a home.  Now we're going through the process of figuring out a timetable on that move. Back to this party though, my father decided to invite everyone he's ever talked to

I try to be careful with my words, as much as I know I do on occasion misuse them.  I try to let my actions speak for me more often than not, knowing what empty words can do. I also try to time things very carefully.  Or at least stay mindful of when not to say something.  Part of that includes the fact that I try not to say much affectionate right after sex and play.  When brains are high on bonding chemicals, and endorphins are floating around.  I don't want those words to feel like they're only coming from that altered state, but rather that they are created organically, and from built connection. I want words to have the most meaning.  I don't want to take advantage of those compromised states, and while I know I should give words of affirmation more often, I don't want them to be repeated to the point of being empty. The problem with not wanting to say such things after sex and play is however, that Lux and I have a ton of sex.  And those windows in between,

I read something the other day that talked about how we clean ourselves up more with new partners.  How we care more about how appearance, go about personal maintenance more, and make ourselves pristine for them, while with older partners we tend to let those actions fall to the side, and ignore our looks.  The reason they gave was a feeling of security.  The excuse of growing comfortable. It bothered me a bit, because it still rolls down to caring about our appearance for the approval for others, instead of ourselves. I'm reminded of back in high school, when still in a suit, with a pile of goth on top, I would talk about how I didn't care how I looked.  I lacked the words then, but understand now that what I had meant was that I didn't care what other people thought of how I looked, so long as I was comfortable, and felt like me. And this idea of cleaning up for new partners is the idea of creating an image you think they'll enjoy most, rather than just being yo

While Lux was here last weekend, we continued the process of small renegotiations and creating a much more coherent understanding of how our relationship and needs work. Part of that was figuring out what we should, and shouldn't do with other people.  More specifically, if there should be anything that is exclusive to our dynamic that we don't share with others. I've talked about this before I believe, how I think keeping something special to a dynamic, which doesn't get shared with anyone else can be a good way to create security, or make each dynamic unique.  Lux has had one thing of his which was a need for a long time on his behalf, which we talked about and made a bit clearer, although it likely won't change how I do anything. And then I sat, and wondered if there was anything on my side.  Part of me wanted just something.  I actually went to fetlife and looked for something that I would only want us sharing with each other, and couldn't find anythin

While Lux was here last week, as a strange change of pace we wound up not having sex. I know, let that shock process for a minute. However, with the feeling burnt from everything going on, and some situations that Lux had dealt with recently, I wanted to be sure he had some amount of security from me.  Something settling, and a feeling a safety. That's not to say that I didn't want sex.  While I have some seasonal brainbugs going, I still definitely wanted to bone.  However, I knew that he needed care first, and I'm nowhere near that selfish to not consider what he needed at the time. And honestly, in the scheme of things, his care is simple.  Provide support, be present, show care and concern.  Lux just requires basic affection and patience when it comes down to it, and I think that's what frustrates me with others when it comes down to it. There's always time for sex, or beatings, or whatever I want.  But when he needs something from me, it's never s