A New Devious Chapter

 There's been a lot of changes in the last year.  So many both externally and internally that have forced me to grow, change, and reclaim myself in the past twelve months.  I realize how complacent I had gotten in a lot of ways, and how much I am pushing myself as a result now for what I want, and striving for even more. So this year, as much as there has been a lot of hurt, stress, panic, and feeling lost, I have a lot that I'm grateful for.  I'm making a lot of progress in becoming a better me, and building a better life. Which means, today I get to make the obligatory list coming into the holiday. I am grateful for introspection.  Being able to look at how I actually felt during various times, and realizing what was a survival behavior, versus getting to decide what I want. I am grateful for my drive.  I am constantly taking on more.  Finding new ways to work with what I have, push myself, and move into new venues. I am grateful for my ability to le...

 I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have a new student, and how they've also started selling some of the things I make.  Well, after many weeks of trying to organize and get past other things, she was able to come and visit for a bit.   Overall it was a quiet visit, but good to see her.  We talked about some plans for the future, started working on something that will hopefully sell off a good amount of the things I've already made, and had a decent class in person that let me point out where she is making progress. There's a lot of ambition in what we're doing, and hopefully we get to it all.  In the meantime though, because I wanted to get so many things done because I felt like I was falling behind, I now feel like I don't have enough.  I feel like a failure because I'm not juggling twenty thousand things, even though this week is packed with the end of the school year for Squishy. I'm hoping to find balance this summer.  To have just enough ha...

 I haven't gotten to talk a lot on just general update things in a while, because I was pre-writing entries. And oof, there's been a lot, and much of it is pretty good. I've been able to stick to working out almost every day, and I've noticed myself making progress with a lot of things.  I have more energy in my day, and it helps me focus and feel better.  Likewise, it's helping me build a small bit of muscle, and get into better shape.  Trying to drop weight has slowed to a crawl, but overall I'm feeling better about my body. And on the idea of getting into better shape, I've started helping my friend Scar with her attempt to get healthier as well.  She was trying to go way too hard in the beginning, and it didn't stick for the most part, but I've been putting together personal workout sessions that will teach her belly dance, as well as be functional physical therapy, and encourage more movement into her day.  She's enjoying, and refused to do ...

Last year for Christmas, we got Squishy a switch.  The main thing she wanted on it was Just Dance, and honestly, I still play it more often than she does.  The new game just came out, and to help market it, they were releasing new songs on the older games to play. One of the new songs was Lizzo's "Boys".  I had noticed Lizzo being mentioned in headlines and such, but had no idea who she was, or what was so amazing about her music.  I however am not one to turn anything down without giving it a shot, and the preview looked fun, so I gave the song a try. Now, if you haven't heard it before, I highly recommend it.  Go on, give it a listen. Did you go? Ok. This song is fantastic.  It's very modern, but also carefully written.  In many ways, I found the song affirming. It creates an idea that people (most  contextually female) can be sexual without wanting to be an object, but wanting to pursue men.  That women can want se...

I'm home from Fusion, and this last week was a whirlwind.  Juggling multiple groups, being a switch, managing poly, teaching, performing, friends, and everything else. There's a lot for me to write about in the coming weeks, and I'm going to need to figure out how to spread it all out into coherent topics. My classes went well, although one wound up falling right in the hottest part of the day, and so it didn't happen. While Lux and I are thinking about putting together one new one for the future, I think four classes is definitely my maximum.  I kind of want to develop a rotating roster of classes to present, so I can be known for bringing far more things to the table. My double sword set went incredibly well.  I forgot one move, and got a little tangled at one point, but didn't drop the swords, even while rolling around on the ground.  I was nervous to the point of shaking while dancing with my swords, and it absolutely made me more confident in what I could...

Over the past month or so, I've been trying to do more to help myself get into better shape again.  Looking into a lot of science on things, and trying new ideas. I picked up some resistance bands for working out.  For the first time in my life I find myself not hating doing normal repetitious exercise.  I do notice myself adjusting over time, and I am adjusting along with it to push myself, so I guess I'm building muscle. I'm stretching every day with everything included in the class I'm teaching next month in order to express its effect on the body over time.  I'm seeing myself having more range of motion most days, and not getting stiff in any places. Every day I practice with my swords.  Whether to my music, or just drilling more complex things, I'm doing a bit of work just to get better with them, and be able to really show off once I do get down to performing. When I can, I'm also dancing for cardio.  I'm making sure not to make that my onl...

Right now, I'm feeling a bit foggy creatively.  My dancing feels like a crawl, partially because my performance anxiety is kicking in with Fusion only a month away.  I'm still practicing with swords every day, even if only for a few minutes to learn tiny tweaks and make progress on my skills.  I'm excited for my performances, but they always give me such nerves. I worry about my classes for Fusion as well.  I'm bringing three new classes, which is a lot of material to cover that I'm not used to pulling out like I can dance classes.  It's not that I don't know the subject matter, because I wouldn't teach it if I didn't know it.  It's some heavy imposter syndrome poking around in my brain. All my projects have slowed down.  They still are showing progress, but it's no longer the leaps and bounds that it was. That being said, I'm still worlds ahead of where I need to be.  I have a book and a half left to draw in order to be able to put...

I've been dancing for over a decade.  In that time I've had regular classes, taught myself to work on technique, taught regular classes, and found joy and challenge in learning and working on dance as much as possible.  And ever since I've started dancing, I've had very strong opinions about using props. Veil dances frustrate me.  The vast majority of the time, if I were to envision the dancer without a veil in their hands, they would literally just look like they were walking around or spinning on stage.  It just looks like if I were to hand Squishy a veil, turn on music, and let her play around.  When I bring this up to a lot of dancers, they flat out say they use it as a crutch, so they can let the veil look good for them. For the same reasons, I'm not fond of skirt dances, or veil fans.  Sure, there are more actual moves involved in these pieces, but a lot of the time the prop is what is doing the work on stage, and it shows. If I am going to use ...

I've been plotting out the next couple months, and while that includes a trip up to see Lux, a wedding we are going to, and a handful of other small things, it also means starting to think about Fusion. It's the same week Squishy finishes school again, but luckily there wasn't any snow days, so we should actually be able to attend the entire event for the most part.  That means more time at camp, and given that Lux and I want to do more with the event this year, that's important. I'm planning on teaching a lot more, and pulling out some interesting performances that I'll be able to tell the story on in the coming week or so.  I also want to play with more people, and really take advantage of the event. My classes are all prepped, luckily.  I just need Pyre to go through and pick what exactly I'm bringing.  This will involve a lot of new things, which I'm excited to teach, as it involves lectures, which is something I haven't done in a long time...

While Lux and I were in Philly, we ran into someone who had been to some events we had, and were chatting a bit.  I told him that I was teaching at them, and listing off what I taught, in case he had seen them in the line up. His reaction was a bit of surprise, because my classes are so specific and require a lot of education and expertise.  After a moment of quiet, he just said he teaches 101 style skill techniques, and I just kept the conversation like those classes were on the same level. I know I bring classes that aren't common in the scene.  I know I bring something that takes more training and understanding than a lot of kink basics.  I also have a lot more education and experience than even most kink educators in the scene when it comes to dance.  However, even as a dancer, I still attend beginners classes, because they're important. 101 and basics classes are incredibly important.  You need to put together something that is easy enough to dig...

I'm back from my first Fusion, and feeling better about it the longer I look at it.  There was good and bad, and the event was very different for both Lux and I just due to how we kept somewhat different schedules with my having classes to manage and all. Lux came in from Austin where he was training for his new job.  He showed up at my doorstep in a suit, and if we didn't have a two hour drive ahead of us, that suit would have been a mess shortly after seeing him. The ride was fairly uneventful, with the exception of us making the same mistake we always do when we make a trip west.  We will inevitably do the same thing in a month come Pennsic. Getting there, I got a very similar feeling to Pennsic, but on a much smaller scale.  It felt comfortable, and despite everything, I had no problem walking around Fusion by myself at night. Thursday Lux met Pyre for the first time, and I met a bunch of the fire team.  While awkward at first, they let me open up by...

I'm on the way to Fusion today! I'll be teaching two classes, and playing with others, and spending time with Lux.  I'll also be performing, helping the fire team, and exploring. I've been spending a lot of time putting together classes, and music, and packing, and prepping.  That's not all that's gone on in the last couple weeks for me though.  I published two new coloring books!  They're both out, and I have the groundwork set to start a few new ones over the summer. I also got a new prompt journal that plays with a fun writing exercise to publish as soon as I'm home.  I started playing more with how I work out every day, because time is still a little wonky unfortunately. There's also been some other things that you'll hear about soon. It's been a productive month.  I'm feeling like I have better support, and good people around.  I'm feeling like I'm doing more, and even if this isn't something huge, I'm...

After the last week, I'm feeling motivated, and drawn to teach. Which is a good thing, because I'm handing in my classes for both Pennsic and Fusion this week. Last year Kitty was very intent on the idea of me just teaching one class, and even though I wound up not going, being limited in that way made me a bit upset.  According to him, he wanted to make sure I wasn't overextending myself, and wanted to make sure I had time for me, and time with Lux.   Except that dance isn't work for me, and these classes don't take a ton of prep on site.  I'm getting to dance and share and have fun.  It's something that helps me keep going. And as an extrovert, decompression time alone isn't much of a thing I need.  I'm going to be running around full of energy the entire time.  It'll be halfway home that I run low, and Lux will see me slump down in my seat, out of energy from finally stepping away. So I'm teaching what I want, and that f...

I'm reminded fairly often, but even more this week how my appearance affects how I will exist as a dancer. I often see pictures of a dancer who started shortly after I began learning.  Her teacher wasn't certified with anyone, and had poor technique.  They had a small vocabulary, and every set they do is repetitive, and sloppily executed.  Over time, her technique has stayed in a way where she tries more to look sexy than show skill, and winds up looking like she's throwing her body around. She however has long blond hair, and big tits, and looks like a stereotypical american cabaret dancer. Meanwhile, I work my ass off to keep up strong technique, understanding of moves, and as broad a spectrum of styles and variations as possible.  I know my body will only do what I want it to do, without having the throw other parts of my body to make those moves look bigger.  I dance not to look sexy, but as self expression. And because I do that, with small tits, a ...

This year may be ending on a sour note, but more on that later.  In the meantime, I want to try and push more positivity by looking at everything I want the new year to bring. In the next year I want to: Dance somewhere new Finally get into a scorpion pose Spend way more time on an endorphin high Try something new Play around with a new coloring book Be around friends and partners more Go on adventures Continue growing beyond all the shit in my life Try to be as healthy and supportive as possible Become happy with my body That's a hell of a list.  Let's see if I manage.

This is going to be a dancey rant.  Because it needs to happen.  Consider yourself warned. Over the faire I worked at, I spent time with some of the dancers I've known for just about my entire time doing belly dance.  They've always been very chill, and decent people, but as dancers, they are incredibly frustrating. Everything from costuming, to makeup, to their dancing itself, and attitude towards it is a project for me to be around.  They have this sort of half assed attempt at education in regards to tribal belly dance that leads them to having barely decent costumes (that they don't even know what they're actually wearing) giant swirls on their face that they think are traditional harquus (normally small dots and simple lines), and a level of proficiency in dance that is just enough to where if they actually practiced with how they've been taught, they're likely to injure themselves. The point of tribal belly dance is to use a series of moves with othe...

Last weekend was a faire I was dancing at, and Lux went to fight and see friends.  It was also a really long week prior to.  Lux will be travelling far away for work in a month, and things with his family were a bit stressful, as well as things at home being difficult for me. We both have somewhat different circles at this faire.  Where Lux is good friends with all the fighters, I've become friends with the other dancers, vendors and performers over time, so we wind up doing very different things during the day.  This resulted in both of us having a very different days, that were less relaxing than we'd expected them to be. Lux saw a lot of his old partners, and there is a ton of things going on with all of them, Most of which were either creating stress in their lives, or frustrating for him.  And after they'd all expressed interest in playing, they all bailed.  Had I not been so busy as well during the day (with things I intend to write about later) I...

I have been insane over the last two weeks. Things are picking up again, and honestly, after the lull after Pennsic, it feels good. The beast is back, and she's started school again.  That's both something that gives me time to get things done, and removes time because it enforces a schedule on me that much more heavily.  She's also been trying to avoid doing what I need her to lately, with the other people in the house letting her get away with too much, which will need to change as the school year gets going. I've taken on a few new projects that I can't wait to finish.  I think they're all going to look fantastic.  They are all of course also very time consuming. With the beast back in school, I have no excuse not to get more serious about working out again.  I started slacking off too much after Pennsic, and need to dive back in head first.  Hopefully that will help me feel a lot better again. And on that note, Lux and I are going to be at a f...

I'm home from Pennsic, and this year was really fantastic.  Lux and I had a much better time than last year, and I felt far more comfortable over all.  Things moved a lot more smoothly, and it was a load of fun. My class went well, and I got in a lot of other solid classes.  Only one was a little disappointing, but the rest were all super fun and I picked up a few cute new things.  Unfortunately, we didn't spend anywhere near as much time at parties this year, so straight up dancing time was a lot lower than last year, but we still had fun nonetheless. The weather kicked everyone's ass.  It was so hot and humid that they were cancelling the heavy battles, and people were dropping left and right.  Most afternoons Lux and I would just lay next to each other, wanting to show affection, but avoiding contact.  The phrase "Don't touch me" became a joke for a few days, due to how gross it was.  With the exception of the first night, when we were clin...

This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully. And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries! I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with. I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone. And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due. I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward...