A New Devious Chapter

 It's been a year since I wrote that letter to Kitty.  A year to process losing one of the few people in my life that I've ever called my best friend.  Losing someone who was a rock of mine for so long, and seeing him disappear.  And that was the hardest part of it in many ways.  There wasn't something where we grew apart while having contact.  There was just that disappearance on his end (on top of other things) that made it so hard. And with having dealt with that for so long, as well as the silence after the letter (as I still haven't heard a word from him since Oct2020) it's apparently left its own obstacles for me. While I'm still incredibly patient with the important people in my life, and don't need a lot in the scale of things, I'm learning that little reassurances mean a lot.  Especially for the people I don't get to share space with often, little things like sending a link or a gif can be entirely comforting.  Sometimes though, I do stil...

 There are very few things I am patient with, although I have gotten better as I've gotten older.  One thing I am often patient with though, is my partners.  I may grump around with things that are irritating, but I am very quick to appreciate the good first, and put those annoying moments aside in order to enjoy the overall time with a partner. However, when things turn into consistent disrespectful behaviors, lack of change when talking about issues, and there's no positive actions or moments to balance it out, I'm not going to just sit and take it like I should be fine with what's going on. And Kitty, after how long I've cared about him, and tried to keep some level of connection, I've hit a point where I can't try and spin his behaviors to any perspective that looks like he cares at all.  I've been left ignored, lied to, feeling manipulated and disrespected.  What's worse, is where I was done with him months ago due to the imbalance of good and b...

 Most mornings, in those few minutes between my eyes opening and braving the world outside my blankets, I will spend that time grabbing my phone.  I tell Lux good morning, and then check Twitter the one time that I will scroll through for the day.  And one morning, I found a post that woke me up better than any coffee. It was talking about how people who are abusive typically don't benefit from therapy.  That if anything, it just gives them tools to try and learn to say the right things to justify their behavior, and behave worse. As soon as I read it, and started poking through the comments, I was reminded of my last visit with Kitty.  How he would try and justify all of his actions as being healthy and trying to help people, when they made no sense, or weren't consented to. Things like my bringing the switch, and both he and Pyre wanting to try the ring fit.  When they finally got to it the last day, he tried to blame me for his not getting to it, because...

 Just when I thought it was done.  I honestly thought I had found all the shitty moments from Thrax, the things burrowed into my brain like land mines.  The ones that no matter how much he tries to tell himself that he did nothing wrong, did lasting damage to my brain.  I thought I'd found so many that I'd found them all. But apparently that wasn't the case.  Underneath all the other things that had been done, was at least one more, undiscovered and covered in dust. Until my last visit with Kitty. And it was small, but when he did it accidentally, and then made more comments not knowing what he'd done, it hit like a truck.  Burst from the dust, and I couldn't do much but lay there and cry for a few minutes.  And while trying to navigate what was happening, also trying to tell myself that I was with Kitty, someone I trusted.  Just like every time it's happened with Lux, that didn't matter, and I just tried to navigate back to a level space. It was ...

The rest of my time down with Kitty was a project.  Pyre is back down with him, sort of.  Lux helped move her back down, which meant getting some time with him, even if it was a short bit of time.  I would have liked to get some more time with him in, but he is digging out of his own life to get things managed, so I'm hoping we get time soon, but wasn't going to push. At the same time, Kitty was trying to deal with Fox leaving for some number of months.  Not just with the emotional aspect, but the mess that was the packing and prep process.  It was a long stressful situation that had Kitty running beyond fumes, and then the days afterward left him very not ok. It was hard, because half of my time there he really didn't have the spoons for me to be there.  It wasn't until the last day or so of my visit that he was prepared to actually have time with me, or contact, or anything.  There was this long period where I wanted nothing more than to help him...

It's been a strange trip so far. Fox is off for work, leaving for three to six months.  Kitty is sad about it, overly stressed, and sort of letting himself wallow.  Pyre is going to help him, but I'm wondering how much that will do for him with how much he is fighting everything. Kitty also needs to check his privilege.  On more than a few occasions over the last week or so, he's responded to things with some manner of mansplaining, treating me like I'm an idiot, or simply not being aware that I didn't grow up with an affluent, intelligent family.  He's starting to try and argue with everyone on how to do things, and not just with me, but with Lux when he was here as well.  It's hard.  Because I do love him, and I know how he can be, but he's lost so much of himself trying to just be his career, and do what society defines success as, that it'll be really hard for him to dig out a sense of self that isn't so tied into societal competition a...

It's the last real block of time I have this summer before Squishy starts school again.  While a few people had taken off time in the window of what summercamp would have been, since I generally can't be at that event, I didn't feel offput by the lack of opening in everyone else's schedules.  However, I did find out that Kitty had a week off during the time that I would be able to adventure. So, I tried for the longest visit yet this year, and Pyre came to pick me up.  I spent the weekend with her, and got to see Lux for a short period, but for the first time since Pax.  I however, got no sleep, because Pyre's kitten somehow got swapped for a shit gremlin, and so she kept us up for two nights.  It meant that shortly after getting unpacked upon getting to Kitty's, I promptly passed out like the dead. And now, we get to enjoy a fairly quiet week with it just being the two of us during the day, even if dealing with some major life things.  It will be ben...

I'm always concerned with keeping a balance between my partners.  Making sure that they both know I have time for them, giving them what I can in regards to both needs and wants.  It's something that's always on my mind, and even more so when I have them both in a shared physical space. There's also a balance I'm used to in how I think of them when I'm away.  A feeling of missing Kitty due to our longer spans of absence, and a yearning for the more frequent familiarity that I get from Lux.  Both have their own comfort in the affection and importance held, but it's certainly a different sort of sensation. With seeing Kitty twice already this summer, I've noticed myself waking up with the same sort of feeling of missing him as I would Lux.  That memory of contact, and waking up snuggled in now fresh in my mind again. It's weird, honestly.  To wake up missing both of them the same way.  To need to sort through and figure out which one I want to ha...

I remember for the longest time thinking that I was wired for monogamy.  That I could only have feelings for one person, because I typically only had a crush on one person at a time.  While spending the last day or so with Pyre though, I kept thinking about how the first couple of years I had with Kitty were.  That one of us always had another partner, and even though we claimed we were just best friends, there was absolutely a level of attraction and love that was always there. And I remember never feeling like I felt less for whoever I was dating when Kitty was around.  I had the same feelings for them both, and made sure I spent time and energy for them both.  On the same hand, Kitty had a partner he was living with, and I never felt a need to end their relationship, or pull him away from who he was with.  I made sure he had time with his partner, and enjoyed seeing the moments where they were happy. Maybe, just maybe, I've been accidentally poly f...

Friday of the invasion, many people went to take a nap, right around when Kitty was finishing with work.  While I had wanted to find some time alone with him, he wanted to relax in the pool, which was also ok.  So it was the two of us, another couple who got invited (and stayed fairly distant the entire time), and Fox in the garden, pulling out weeds.  Fox was continually trying to pull Kitty from the pool to do things for them, and it made me angry each time.  He had just needed to work a full day, when they had off, and was trying to decompress, knowing he had another meeting Saturday morning, while juggling being a host.  They wouldn't let him have more than a couple of minutes of floating along, and I could see the frustration on his face. The couple also attending was a guy who is very toppy, and a girl who only bottoms, and was goading on Fox.  At a certain point she brought up that she's a brat, but likes to help, and is often very helpful in wha...

There were many times over the course of my time with Kitty that he seemed unsure, and uncomfortable with trying to figure out us.  People would ask about our dynamic, and he had no idea how to answer, where I absolutely could say one way or another. And yes, it's been a long time since we've had the idea of where things sit between us.  Time where he has lost track of what I'm comfortable with, what I've done, and how I play.  It's caused him to be incredibly reticent about things, which leaves me unsure of how he feels. I've never stopped being absolutely comfortable with him, and so anything that I felt safe and interested in doing with him over the years, is still the case on my end.  Distance and time hasn't changed how I feel about him, or the trust we've built.  However, given that Lux and I try to reset our negotiations every few years, Kitty and I are likely overdue as well. Taking care of relationships is often the aspect of doing mainten...

My birthday was the start of an invasion of people while at Kitty's place.  Something that started quiet, and while never got insane, was certainly a pile of people.  During the day, I went about making lots of little things happen, while Pyre worked.  At one point I took a break, and actually spoke with her therapist to help answer questions, and give him a better understanding of how our polycule works.  It was very interesting to see him try to wrap his head around it as a concept, and affirming in many ways, to see him happy with how we work, and the healthy dynamic that Pyre and I have. People started showing, and Kitty got home, and while he didn't have time to let his brain relax, was certainly being more affectionate than he had been some previous days.  We made silly jokes, and the night ended with him bringing me so much laughter that I had to be careful due to having a brownie at the same time. So while Lux wasn't there, this was everything else...

Having been down at Kitty's for a couple of days, it is incredibly noticeable the amount of change from last month, and even since talking to him the slightest bit.  Most of base level need is taken care of, regardless of having not even told him what any of it is.  It's still odd though, being asked about wants.  A strange tiptoeing vibe on his end, of not knowing where we sit after time of not cultivating things has left a strange existence for our relationship, and we need to figure out where we are now, in order to grow and move further. On the same hand, being asked about wants in the abstract remains difficult.  I find myself needing to fight the thoughts that I am not allowed to want, because of the consequences.  That I need to do without because it'll just result in an empty promise.  That it'll be used against me later.  That I'll just be told no because even simple needs are too much. I realize that even though I've had years of space ...

Coming out of the last visit to see Kitty, and up to this one, I had brought to him a few things we needed to talk about, and he agreed.  One of which was him saying that he wanted to go over the actual parameters of our relationship, what it included, and what that meant.  As well, in a way to make that easier, things like wants and needs from us both. And, that's incredibly hard for me.  I've never taken the time to create outlines for my relationships.  They were things that developed organically, with their own rules and cautions that came about with time.  I dislike the idea of putting a relationship into a box of expectation.  I suppose for some people it makes things easier, but life gets in the way, makes things exist in flux, and so aspects of relationships constantly change. I've also up until now been in states where my words held weight in relationships.  Where my wants and needs mattered, and where me speaking up wasn't met with att...

The weekend of my birthday is supposed to be another gathering at Kitty's place.  The one thing I wanted for my birthday, an unofficial thing happening of just that.  While I'm not trying to push my birthday in anything going on, I'm more than a little happy that I'm getting the simple thing I do want, even if all the people I want to spend it with will likely not be present. Squishy left earlier this week though, and that would give me a week and a half of being home without her.  A week and a half that I had hoped initially would be spent with Lux, celebrating both our birthdays together, and finally seeing each other after yet more months of distance.  To help him make this new place into a home. Before I can even consider the risk of seeing him though, he needs more time in quarantine, having just come back from traveling to take care of family matters.  As much as in many ways these things look like selfish acts, we really are all keeping safety in mind...

Shortly after I arrived at Kitty's house, I was bringing my things in, and trying to decide where I was sleeping.  When I left the room that was initially suggested for me to stay in, Kitty was standing in the hallway, saying that he wasn't sure about things like hugs, and I could see the conflict in his face, even with a mask on. I told him that I was prepared for the risk he came with, and it was his decision.  After continuing to waffle, he nearly flung himself forward to hug me, and we both teared up, a little overwhelmed with everything happening.  Bandaid ripped off, and feeling the relief of not only seeing each other, but getting to hug for the first time in a year. Over the weekend, while not actively showing affection in front of each other, there were many hugs, which we both needed.  There was a lot of the back and forth that only we have, bouncing off of each other in such an energetic way, which kept everyone entertained. Saturday night, when almo...

I didn't get to have camp this year, but I very nearly had the next best thing.  The invasion that we planned, albeit for many reasons, created the sort of environment that I had needed from camp, without the risk of hundreds of people all having sex on top of each other. Everyone didn't even show up who had planned to, which made the entire thing a small gathering of safe people, with as few risk for issues as possible. We all worked together to try and take care of everything, and were all happy to do so.  It was obvious how much we all needed this, and it created an environment to bring us all closer, while getting the bit of relaxation we needed.  Throughout the weekend, things kept happening in reflection of where we are mentally.  While everyone was having cups done outside, no one could deal with it.  During harder conversations, people had to walk away and process.  I had to remind everyone at one point or another that we were all compromised ...

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else. Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me?  My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me....

Today, I should be at camp.  At the end of a week with friends, my polycule, and loved ones. Instead, we are all concerned with safety.  Keeping apart even while our worlds are on fire, trying to stay healthy so we can keep each other healthy. Now, we rewind to a couple of weeks ago.  I'm on a call with Pyre, talking about how Kitty's birthday is soon, and she is planning a trip up, which has changed from just a short trip due to her current situation.  She mentions another one of our friends talking about making a long trek down, because it would be the week of camp, and spending the weekend.  She asks what I'm up to, and I tell her that Squishy will be gone. And so the plotting began.  Trying to make something happen as safely as possible, while taking stress off of Kitty so we would show up with everything taken care of. A fantastic surprise that brings us back to the important people, and creates a positive space for mental health. Which means...

The last couple of weeks have been a bit on the easier side, as we're all starting to learn how to cope and function in this lockdown situation.  There's still stress and things to deal with, but things are adjusting with time. Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now. This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream.  Or at least I don't remember them.  There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up. I've had four in the last week or so. All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.  The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day.  However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction.  I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands.  And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in...