A New Devious Chapter

There are many times when I think about the things I've done which I may not enjoy, and wonder about them. Somewhat frequently, I remind Lux that he's in charge, and that something I may not outwardly have interest in, I'm open to trying with him, because I can definitely enjoy something for who I'm doing it with rather than just the action.  It's something he forgets, which I understand, because it's a bit weird. I also think about things and feel more curious about them.  Things I've done which I say I don't enjoy, but wonder if it was just the conditions.   So I think, is this against my hard limits, which I know enough that I do not do well with?  Is this something that I should try to experiment with further?   And lately, the thing I decided to try was vibration.  My previous experience was with Thrax (which I think I'll write about more later) and did not go well, for several reasons.  I decided it was worth a shot to test it ou

Over the past month or so, I've been trying to do more to help myself get into better shape again.  Looking into a lot of science on things, and trying new ideas. I picked up some resistance bands for working out.  For the first time in my life I find myself not hating doing normal repetitious exercise.  I do notice myself adjusting over time, and I am adjusting along with it to push myself, so I guess I'm building muscle. I'm stretching every day with everything included in the class I'm teaching next month in order to express its effect on the body over time.  I'm seeing myself having more range of motion most days, and not getting stiff in any places. Every day I practice with my swords.  Whether to my music, or just drilling more complex things, I'm doing a bit of work just to get better with them, and be able to really show off once I do get down to performing. When I can, I'm also dancing for cardio.  I'm making sure not to make that my onl

In the process of negotiating things for Fusion, there's been a lot of me checking in with whoever I'm playing with to see what they are good with.  And in return, I notice there is a lot of focus on asking tops how they want to feel in a scene. And, perhaps it's my weird brain, but that's the least of my worries in play. I don't care about being made to feel a certain way.  I don't want people to behave in a way that elicits an emotion from me.  Perhaps if there was a scene that involved power exchange, we may find something where I wanted to feel some kind of way, but that's not what I want normally. I want something organic.  I want us to just feel like people. I want to feel like we're having fun. I want to be able to punch people. And yea, that's about it.  It's not about feeling powerful, or in control, or feared, or anything like that.  I want to know we're having fun.  If the other person feels like they're being pus

A bit over a week ago, I woke up and checked my social medias to find that a youtuber was announcing his divorce.  I told Lux, and we said we felt badly that it was happening, and went to move on. And then.  Oh then.  Where he had simply posted that note, his now ex had gone on to tell the whole story.  He had cheated on his wife with someone he was regularly working with, sending nudes to underage fans, and using that implied imbalance of power to coerce fans both of age and underage into sending him nude photos or various explicit conversation. Needless to say, we are no longer fans of his. And this bothered Lux a lot, to where he wondered if this needed to be handled more quietly than it was.  I told him that because this had to do with fans, it needed to be public, because he is now a safety risk at conventions or panels.  This isn't for the defamation aspects, but to keep him from continuing these behaviors with people who aren't mature enough to be responsible unde

Right now, I'm feeling a bit foggy creatively.  My dancing feels like a crawl, partially because my performance anxiety is kicking in with Fusion only a month away.  I'm still practicing with swords every day, even if only for a few minutes to learn tiny tweaks and make progress on my skills.  I'm excited for my performances, but they always give me such nerves. I worry about my classes for Fusion as well.  I'm bringing three new classes, which is a lot of material to cover that I'm not used to pulling out like I can dance classes.  It's not that I don't know the subject matter, because I wouldn't teach it if I didn't know it.  It's some heavy imposter syndrome poking around in my brain. All my projects have slowed down.  They still are showing progress, but it's no longer the leaps and bounds that it was. That being said, I'm still worlds ahead of where I need to be.  I have a book and a half left to draw in order to be able to put

About a week and a half ago, Pyre sent me a link.  She said that she went and got pre-approved, and reserved an appointment to look at a new car, which she very badly needed for a while from the sound of things. While talking to her, she mentioned bringing Kitty along with her so he could tall white male privilege to help.  I then started dropping information on the things that need to be included in the sale, for her to look for.  She was surprised with all the knowledge I had on it, and so I offered to write up a list of all the things she needed to stand firm on, what she legally should expect, and the charges to call bullshit on.  Unsurprisingly, she hopped on that offer. So being a good part of this polycule, I wrote up everything, albeit last minute, and hopefully helped her since she did wind up pulling the trigger on the car. While talking about it though, I had mentioned that tall male privilege helps, but it really knocks people on their ass when you show how much

A few times now, Lux and I have had conversations about certain things he finds attractive.  And while he talks about features, or styles he finds himself drawn toward, to often say he doesn't enjoy androgyny. Now, let's break down that word. Andro- much like Android, means male. Gyno- as in gynecology, means female. Oh yea, word nerding again on here, and my medical background helps this time.  Wee! So androgyny is the act of presenting as both male and female.  This is obviously different from being intersex, which breaks down to being between biological sexes, and causes that particular development of the sex organs and all that. ANYWAY. Mixing of both male and female.  Which means that it isn't necessarily that idea of having ambiguous gender, but simply possessing aspects of both. And, y'know, that sounds a lot like how I present, both physically, mentally, and through my image. I brought this up, because obviously that blanket statement wasn't

I often have to encourage Squishy to speak up for herself, especially at home.  My parents follow that old mindset that they have say over people younger than them, and don't need to ever consider them ever. It's caused a ton of issues with Squishy's comfort and appearance, which I have needed to help with in secret more than I should have to admit to. The other morning, my mom, who is a hairdresser, called Squishy in while she was getting ready for school, saying there was something she wanted to do with Squishy's hair.  I knew it would likely be something she didn't like, just out of past experience.  A moment later, I heard Squishy asking about it, and my mom making statements like "I want this here" and "If you don't do this, I'm just going to cut your hair off".  And it's unfortunate, because they are so heavily ignorant to their own abuse that I can't speak up without also being targeted.  If I tell them that she needs

Overall, my trip up to see Lux was good.  We were busy in many ways, and there was a lot of difficult things going on.  It meant that in general it wasn't the most relaxing trip we've ever had, and that we didn't get through some of the things we had intended to do.  It was good to have that time though, and I'm still glad we got to have the week together. Near the end of the week though, I had to deal with some stuff that was far more difficult than Lux had expected it to be for me.  I couldn't talk about it at the moment because I just didn't have the words, and it has hard for me to bring up afterwards. A situation that makes me feel helpless.  Like there's too many things counting against me.  It makes me feel like a burden, even though I know I'm not.  Like I'm not worth having around due to how difficult I make things. And I know all that isn't true, but it doesn't keep the thoughts from living in my mind. There are times, when