A New Devious Chapter

 This is the last post of 2022, and should be something about the holidays.  Or it should be some manner of reflection about the previous year, and the amount of change I've gone through, and how life looks incredibly different compared to how it did.  Instead though, we had one extra event that occurred that I need to write about, both to reflect, and to remember, that I wasn't expecting. Two weeks ago, my mother's friend came over.  They were supposed to go to a tea house, and pick up some last gifts, while I got things done around the house.  With holidays approaching, my days were carefully divvied out with everything that needed to be done.  In fact, I had already baked up some fresh pita before she arrived, because Rabbit's father asked me to make some for my next visit. Well, as she was trying it, she got a message from her mom, saying that she was positive for covid.  We pulled out a test for her, and she was negative, but went home.  Because she was only at the

 Rabbit comes by for at least one night a week, so we can spend time together.  Where many weeks, we wind up with fun plans of things we want to share with each other, some weeks are just for relaxing.  Last week was supposed to just be calm and quiet before holidays hit, but we decided on some short errands anyway. He got caught up talking with my father after Squishy left for school, and because that seemed to be eating up a lot of our morning, I opted to head upstairs when they went to the basement, and grab a quick rinse.  I took what honestly felt like a normal length shower just for a quick wash, got out, and started assembling myself.  While brushing my teeth, I heard the doorknob, saw the door crack, then heard the saddest sounds as it closed again.  Rabbit was hoping he would make it into the bathroom with enough time for us to shower together, but alas, was too slow. I finished putting myself together, making sure to have time to brush his hair, and give him some comfort.  He

 Rabbit and I might be bad at holidays. We both got each other gifts, and I had every intention of giving him something to open for every night of Channukah.  I also initially wanted to give him something from the mix of handmade things and purchased presents for Yule and Christmas as well, as they fell inside the dates. He wrote me a poem a while ago, and gave it to me early in the fall, unable to wait.  That kicked off my wanting to write him something in return, having had his to work off of.  I had the time, and the drive to make something with a consistent rhyming pattern, and multiple verses.  I also made him a knotwork bracelet, some warm things, oh, and a collar.  I had picked him up things he said he wanted, or that popped up as being absolutely perfect for him. And as things showed up, and I got his stuff wrapped, I promised him that he would cry from the gifts.  We also kept going off about how we wanted to just exchange gifts, and not have to wait so that we could share the

 We're coming up to the end of the year, and looking at how things are with the holidays now, they're so much different from last year.  Both that there's things not happening, and new things that are. The biggest of which, is having a partner that wants to share the holidays, and wants to share time whenever he can.  We're starting to really find our stride in doing that, and he's starting to make sure he gets plenty of time with other friends as well.  As I encourage him, he's also having more time with music, and doing the things that make him happy, as I take on more things. We're definitely finding our stride when it comes to a dynamic, and how things work to make us both feel fulfilled.  There isn't any heavy protocols, but he's definitely made himself a happy nest of a submissive place with me, while knowing how to playfully brat and say that he's the top.  It works well for us, and I only see us being happier in it as time goes on. Things

 Part of being demisexual, at least for my particular case, involves not getting any enjoyment out of watching others have sex.  Normal types of pornography usually turn me off, or only make me laugh at best, but have never turned me on.  However, aspects of kink I enjoy that don't involve traditional sexual framing absolutely can be hot to me, and that's something that often takes a bit for others to understand. So when it comes to Rabbit, who tends to process most things sexually, or enjoy sex mixed into all parts of his life, I had gotten a little worried.  I wasn't sure if this would be a case where it would never be understood, or something that would be used against me like it has been. While I was at his place, I introduced him to one of my favorite anime.  I also told him that he was only allowed to watch up to a certain episode alone.  So he watched up to that point the day after I went home, and then had to wait a week until he came over on Thanksgiving.  And whil

 There's been a lot of changes in the last year.  So many both externally and internally that have forced me to grow, change, and reclaim myself in the past twelve months.  I realize how complacent I had gotten in a lot of ways, and how much I am pushing myself as a result now for what I want, and striving for even more. So this year, as much as there has been a lot of hurt, stress, panic, and feeling lost, I have a lot that I'm grateful for.  I'm making a lot of progress in becoming a better me, and building a better life. Which means, today I get to make the obligatory list coming into the holiday. I am grateful for introspection.  Being able to look at how I actually felt during various times, and realizing what was a survival behavior, versus getting to decide what I want. I am grateful for my drive.  I am constantly taking on more.  Finding new ways to work with what I have, push myself, and move into new venues. I am grateful for my ability to learn.  I have picked up

 Squishy had a week without school where she went to see her step family, so I spent a week with Rabbit.  His parents were just getting back from their home country, so we needed to pick them up from the train station, and see them for the first time in months.  It was good to spend time with them, and it's still amazing how welcoming they are to me. The week as a whole was enjoyable.  We spent one day going up to New York City, where I brought Rabbit into Chinatown for the first time.  We got some super cheap dumplings, and pastries, wandered around tiny shops, and watched lots of musicians.  After that we went into Brooklyn and he got to meet Dansa for the first time.  They got along well, and it was fun overall.  I'm always happy getting to introduce friends to each other. The only real thing that I can complain about, which is often something I've found happens with Rabbit, is his time management.  He's not late for things, but he sort of falls into holes of time, a

 Just before Halloween, Rabbit was over for an extra day because he needed an extra day before going back to work.  We spent the day working on personal things, and spending time curled up together.  While it didn't mean another night together (he had work the next morning) it did mean an extra twelve hours before saying goodbye for the week. And during that time, at one point I started sharing examples of things that have happened in my home.  How I'm treated by my parents, and the situation I'm living in.  And I realized, while talking about it, that I started feeling more anxious.   I noticed that even though he was being supportive, and telling me that he was here for good and bad, and asking what I might need in the moment, I was wishing I'd never said a word.  My mind could only go to Lux telling me that he couldn't deal with my home life.  That it was too much for him, and how he would disappear whenever things got bad.  I was so worried that I would lose thi

 I'm only writing this halfway through October, but enough has happened in the first few weeks of dating Rabbit that I can definitely talk about it. Right after we became official was the new year.  Even though he had work, and also had plans for the holiday (Yes, my mother is overjoyed that I found a nice Jewish boy) he played with his schedule to leave as early as possible and come to my place for a few hours.  I felt anxious about it as he talked about wanting to drive out here.  I've always had people use the things they do against me.  Like it's an excuse to do things that hurt later, because they stored up some good deeds earlier.  He assured me that this wasn't the case, and that he wanted to put into the holiday what he wanted to get out of the coming year, which was happiness and time with me.  And after almost a decade of someone who I invited to everything, and never showed, that hit hard. And we had a couple of hours where even though I hadn't told my pa

 I swear, this is the last post about Rabbit and I starting a relationship.  There's just been a lot going on with it, and most of it has been funny. The day we decided to be official, Rabbit had to go to dinner with his mom.  She had been poking at him not so gently for a while, and while we had a joke about waiting to tell his parents, he wanted to give her some good news. So while they're sitting and having dinner, he stops the conversation, and tells her that we're together.  She is smiling, but stern faced, and he asks about her response.  She says that she's happy that he's happy.  He questions it again, and she mentions that his dad had concerns about my age.   Now, Rabbit has been working at renn faires for a long time (it's how we originally met) and most of his friends are older.  A lot older, to the point where Rabbit's roommate has a couple of decades on him.   Rabbit looks at his mom and asks how old she thinks I am.  She makes up some vague lin

 The movie we went to see by the way was Clerks Three.  As we're both from Jersey, all the Kevin Smith movies are important parts of our culture.  Specifically for this series, it's all a testament to different stages of life, with characters who aren't the most proactive.  They're flawed, but they're loyal, and they all have very different stories. It turned out to be more sad than we expected, and when we went home, we thought about the loss that occurred, and how that made us feel about things that have happened with us.  I gave Rabbit directions back to my place, and when we got on the highway, I started thinking.  One of the biggest themes in all of the movies is showing ambition.  Not waiting until a perfect moment, but being proactive in deciding what you want, and taking the risk, because you don't know what'll happen. So when we got back to the house, and curled up in bed, we talked about it.  I told him that I didn't know how I was going to dea

 It was just after the start of the school year, and Rabbit was at my place for what was seeming to turn into a weekly visit.  We sat on the porch Wednesday morning after Squishy had gone off to catch the bus, and I definitely noticed that he was a little off.  And we sat there, curled up, sipping coffee, when he told me he had something to say.  He prefaced it by saying he was aware that it was full of red flags, then told me that he had some feels.  He said that he would be ok if I didn't want to see him for a while, but wanted to make sure he told me, because he always wants to be transparent with me. He explained that when he realized the feels were there, he took apart the thoughts, and did some introspection to see if it was real.  To see if it was some sort of physical or emotional rebound.  Every time he followed a trail, he realized needs had been met elsewhere earlier.  At the end of the line, was just that he liked the dynamic that was forming between us, and that it'

 We're getting through the holidays as of this going live.  We've managed past Rosh Hashanah, and getting through Yom Kippur, which my family usually doesn't observe.  This year though, it seems especially appropriate. There was a lot of wiping things away this year.  Removing people, changing priorities, and sorting out my own life.   I think spending so time in contemplation of that, and everything that needs to be left behind is healthy, and a good use of this time of year, before we gear up for everything happening in the winter months.  How I want to change, what I want to keep up with, and what I need to put down and push away. And there is a lot that I plan to pick up.  A lot that might be changing soon, and some things that are going to be very different for me. But this year deserves to have a lot wiped away.  A lot of bad, and a lot of things that I let slide that I should never have.  And so this coming year I want to focus more on acknowledging what I want and n

 Early this spring, when Rabbit and I started talking, he mentioned wanting to find a rope bottom to practice on again.  I told him that I bottom for rope once in a while, and liked helping people navigate ties and learn.  That was also when I offered to top other play for him, and well, we see how that's turned so far. But when we started talking about rope again, he realized that he'd forgotten everything, and also shared that he enjoyed being tied up.  So in order to help him learn, I showed him the basics of what I knew.  I never learned a lot of rope, because it wasn't much of an interest, but I did learn a little, just to have a better idea of safety.  I claim that I only know enough to get myself into or out of trouble. And while I've been teaching him, I've been tying him up as well.  At the same time, he's feeling more and more drawn to rope, and wants to learn enough to consider himself a rigger.  Meanwhile, I'm just trying to learn enough to tie h

 After my birthday, I spoke about how doomed I am in regards to Rabbit's parents.  How after bringing babka over, I was told that it there needed to be a break before I could make it again, but that anything I did make needed to have a little bit brought over to their house. So during my last visit, I brought with me some crumb cake that I had made a while back but was living in the freezer.  I also made challah on one of my first days there, but took my normal recipe and turned it into more smaller loaves.  I figured that this way they would be a little less upset about the amount of anything I brought over. Well, while making the challah, I mentioned to Rabbit that the dough wasn't quite working the way it normally does, and that I was worried.  The loaves baked up beautifully though, and while I let them sit and cool, I eventually cut the end off of one to test it.  Apparently, whatever I had done, I need to do in the future, because it was my softest challah yet, and I just

 When Rabbit and I first started talking again, he would remind me that in his previous dynamics where he was submissive, he was heavily trained and very well behaved.  He told me about how he was super obedient, didn't talk back, and was far more of a pet for use than anything. So when we started playing, I continually encouraged him to be him.  I would be bratty with him, and playful, while still having control.  Soon enough, he would start speaking up, playing back, pushing for more, and also being a brat.  It was like all that training went out the window, but at the same time, he seemed happy to do it all, and like he was actually having fun.   We joke about things like brat taming, and how I will spoil him with play, and making sure I have his favorite things on hand.  That I will curl him up and play with his hair, and do all the things that he wants, rather than try to instill discipline.  While he certainly still brats, and is sassy, he does it to play, and knows where he

 Between my visits to Rabbit, there was a week when he couldn't come spend a night with me.  He was taking care of some important things at home, and so didn't have time to be here.  At the same time, he had commented that he didn't clean up super well after one of the times we had sex, and some fluids dried and caused a small scab.  He mentioned that it was a bit of a raw spot, and not the most comfortable. I told him that he should abstain from doing anything that might mess with the skin for a couple of days, which included masturbation.  He whined, and tried to dismiss the idea, not wanting to be told no. Then, somehow thinking it might trick me in some fashion, he went to make a deal with me.  He said that he would abstain for three days, which meant an extra long weekend before getting to see me, which would let it heal.  In return, when I saw him, I had to edge him for as long as possible.  When I wasn't sure, purely because I was concerned with his ability to ke

 Amidst cutting ties from Puppy, there were a few final times that I had to talk with him.  One was to get back some books I had lent him.  My response to this was just to buy new copies, and if he wants the book I have of his, he can ask for it.  The other was removing myself from the D&D campaign I had been playing with him. We had started the game back in January, and for the most part only played one session a month.  I was the only player at the table that had played with someone other than him, which meant I was the only vet at a table full of noobs, and that's fine sometimes, but not when everyone is afraid to actually roleplay.  And, honestly, I just didn't want to deal with him anymore.  Trying to have conversations with him had turned entirely infuriating, and with how Puppy ran the games, he couldn't keep track of anything he'd told us, and was changing details constantly for whatever he wanted in the moment.  To top it off, so many of our sessions had en

 So, Rabbit has been in the process of some major life changes lately, which included people no longer being around.  I appeared again around the same time, and so there have been a lot of jokes, as we've gone from a few messages, to talking once in a while, to spending time together every week and talking every day.  People at his work joked that I was his boyfriend, and a bunch of his VR league team joked that I'm his rebound, and we just laugh and agree to all of it. But the best part has been with his parents, and how I now need to tiptoe a line. When I started being around, they were very stern about wanting him to take his time, and not date anyone for a while.  Then they were reminded that I'm also Jewish (his adoptive parents are Israeli), and went full stereotype of "Loki's a nice Jewish girl..." because they don't know my gender, and it's been hilarious more often than not. On his birthday I got the impromptu test of being asked if I celebrat

 A while ago, when Rabbit and I first started playing he made a comment about not really being much of a masochist, but just in primarily for sensation play.  He spoke about his bad experiences with impact previously, and I noticed him just sticking to wanting to play with a couple of different things. And I realized, that while he had done a lot of things in regards to sex, and whatever his fucket list on that front, there was very little he'd done to explore to kink.  He didn't have people who were heavily educated, had never been to a public kink event, and had done little to no rough body play. So one night, as we were winding down after sex, I gave him a solid hit on the upper ribs.  He looked at me a second, as he actually processed the feeling of it, then sort of happily curled up on himself, and asked me to do it again.  We realized we needed a snack, so we ran out, and he was gleefully announcing to a friend that he discovered he liked being punched. Even before that,

 My birthday also happened last month, and so right after going to Brooklyn, I had a short amount of time to repack, and prepare for Rabbit to come and pick me up for a long visit with him again.  We had made some plans for my birthday, which fell through, but immediately turned into backup plans that we were both excited for. I had sent him with most of my things the week before, which meant that we could finally ride the bike from my place to his, so long as I packed lightly enough to fit everything in the saddlebags.  He wanted me to bring rope, which means we had to fit a second bag, and that just barely managed to fit.  But we got up early and got on the road, with a fantastic ride across the state during the morning sun.  We then got over to his parents' house, where he had some papers to sign, and I made sure he had as much time with the piano and accordion as he wanted.  It was wonderful to see him just decompress and play, and all the joy it brought him. There's some m

 The last month was a lot.  A handful of adventures and little things that happened in different ways, and events both good and bad.  So all this month is going to be some stories and talking about a span of about two or three weeks in July. We're starting with a trip that I had finally managed to plan back in late spring.  After both of us having everything occurring, Dansa and I found a space where we could carve out time for a visit.  That meant trucking myself up to Brooklyn, where I could spend a weekend with someone I hadn't seen in a little over a year.  And after everything that happened lately, it was good to get us both caught up on everything. The trip up wasn't too bad.  I packed extremely light because I didn't want to lug everything ever through the city, and didn't have a ton of extra gifts to bring this time around, and we didn't have much in the way of things we wanted to do.  In fact, all we wanted to do was have dumplings ( a running joke whic

 It took a bit, but I finally took a bit of time to talk to Puppy about what happened.  And, it went as well as I should have expected it to. While he opened with asking how I was feeling, immediately after I started saying that I was healing, he sent a message saying that he didn't mean to hurt me. And that's great and all, but I wouldn't do anything with him, let alone be friends with him, if I thought he had any intention of bringing me harm.  Not to mention that regardless of what he meant, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  I tried talking to him about it all, and getting him to understand the severity of what happened.  I also mentioned the trauma response that I had the morning I left, and rather than understanding, he thought me running was the trauma. In response, he decided to use that moment to admit to having had feels for me, which I knew.  He thought that was a way to apologize somehow, and I just got quiet, because I didn't know how to respond at

 As a quick update, about one week post everything happening that I talked about in my last post, my neck is just about fine.  Every once in a while I feel a tiny bit of discomfort, but for the most part, I don't even notice it anymore. But anyway, it's been almost a full week with Rabbit, and while we had these plans to get lots of things accomplished, we may have accidentally let many of them fall to the wayside for sex.  Some things have gotten done.  He got his bike up and running, and we got me a helmet so that I can ride with him.  I've helped with getting the house a little more put together, keeping up with laundry, and taking care of the pups. We've also had sex in almost every room in the house, some multiple times.  This includes having sex on the motorcycle while it was in the garage being finished up.  I may have joked that if I couldn't ride the bike until it gets a new seat, I would just ride them both at once. At the same time, we've finally gott

 Remember how I said I had a lot of adventures at the end of June?  Well, as of writing this I'm only a couple of days in, and damn if it hasn't already been a trip. Puppy showed up on the Sunday evening after he was done with father's day obligations.  I was still having the off moments of feeling unsure around him from the weekend prior.  Even when we were curled up watching one of my favorite anime, I never quite got comfortable.  After everything that had happened lately, I wound up exhausted early, and we got to bed, where I slept like a rock. The next morning, Puppy and I had sex, and while I wasn't quite into it, things were a little better than the weekend before, so I attributed it to my overall mental state, and trucked along.  The morning went quietly enough, although the gnome pulled some annoyances that I should have expected, and got us out the door a but later than planned.   And then the universe started throwing bricks at me.  While only just crossing t

 My parents both recently had to take a trip down to Virginia due to a death in the mostly family.  While I didn't like the timing of it initially, it didn't interfere with any of the plans I had already made, and that made things much easier for me.  Puppy was leaving the same day they did, Squishy had their last week of school, and so Rabbit was able to come visit for most of the time we were gone. And while we were both in a bit of a compromised state still, after everything that's happened, it was also a couple of days where we could enjoy time together, be silly, and have vast chunks of time to be able to play.  Given that it's been years since he had done any kink, we're re-exploring all the things he used to enjoy, a little at a time.  I recently also did some mental exploration, and discovered a handful of reasons as to why I had never been attracted to him, given the friendship and connection we'd built over the years, and subsequently fixed some things

 When I got home, while Rabbit's now ex had finally moved out, he didn't have a lot of time to process.  I was there for a good few days, and he had work, but he wound up with the full weekend off.  And that first day, at a certain point, I get a message saying that things started to hit.  That suddenly all the change, and the realization of how dark things got, and how much of himself he sacrificed over the last few years. So I gave him patience, and presence, and the understanding of someone who has been in those spaces.  I gave him the space to sit, and process, and get himself past some of the initial hit. And then a few days later, I had something happen.  Something that tore me apart, caused me to spin, and made me feel far more broken than I had in a long time.  I was typing with a handful of people, but knew Rabbit was asleep, so while I sent one message, I didn't expect a response.  He eventually woke up, saw it, and called me.  When I picked up, he asked if I was

 Eventually, I did get home from my weekend with Rabbit, albeit tired and ready for real rest.  Squishy was already home, and so I was getting her caught up on some things.  At one point she asked something about him, and I mentioned that I'm a comfort person for him, and a place of safety and trust, due to the friendship we've built. And she looked at me, then, whether she understood it or not, said "You should be platonic partners". She then went on to say that she doesn't actually understand love, so she just tells all her friends that she platonically loves them.  Which sounded far more like her, but that one moment, had far more wisdom behind it than I think she realized. Mind you, she knows that I'm polyamorous.  She knows that I practice relationship anarchy.  She even knows that I am aromantic.  She's very used to me having a strong connection to people, and showing them care without having to have a romantic relationship, and I think it's help

 One of the things I was concerned with while Rabbit and I were negotiating any sort of play, was where our overlap in interests was.  In particular was that while he says he's a masochist, he's not a fan of heavy impact, and mostly does sensation play. And well, that got me a little worried at first.  I like using force.  I like throwing a heavy beating.  I like getting tired, and leaving someone a bruised up mess.  I was concerned that with some of my favorite things off the table, we wouldn't have enough kinks in common. But then I remembered, I'm not just an impact sadist.  I don't need to bring about excruciating pain to enjoy play.  We talk about suffering a lot in kink, and while I always think of myself as being happy when I bottom for impact, I need to remember that I don't necessarily look for that in others. I also kept in mind that I can be very patient with the creative process, and also have the ability to think out of the box, and make things fun.

I had a long weekend with Rabbit, and so much happened over a few days, that I'm boiling over with things to explore.  This month is probably going to be almost all posts related to it, which means I should have no problem staying caught up over the summer, since I have a lot of adventures planned even without going to camp. But right now, we're going to talk about an important weekend.  Rabbit had his birthday, turned thirty, and his ex finally moved out of the house.  It was an amorphous blend of stress, sleepless nights, surprises, kink, exploration, rediscovery, and unbridled joy.  At the end I went home exhausted, but wishing it could happen again soon. The first night he had work early, but his ex was also supposed to be gone before he left.  We both wound up staying up all night trying to listen for her leaving, and making sure we didn't hear them going into somewhere they shouldn't.  Rabbit and I would do little touch checks while in bed to see if the other was

 So, when Rabbit and I started talking again, he mentioned needing a new rope bottom for getting back into the scene.  I had already been wanting to do more rope after not being tied over the pandemic, so I volunteered.  At the same time, since I know he's a switch, I offered to top within my skillset, which he jumped on. We've since talked about interests, and where things overlap between the two of us, and while I am in general, far more of a sadist than he would normally go for, he's very quickly put himself into a submissive space in regards to me.  It's let me stretch out that switchy part of me that I haven't gotten to in a long time, and with him being in the same boat, had me thinking. He's been rather contentedly conflicted by it, due to having to juggle being around people he holds different roles with.  While I've been in a similar spot, I never had trouble, and he attributed it to my not having a sexual relationship with at least one side, almost

About a month and a half ago my parents got an estimate for a new front porch.  Our old one was starting to fall away from the house, and before we could have a new roof put on, that needed to be fixed.  My mother called one person, got a price, and hired him. He started working, and almost immediately the old man was furious about his work.  He threw a massive screaming fit that had us thinking he was just being difficult, and so later that day my mother and I got out of the house in order to have a bit of a break from him.  I then found out that my mother hadn't looked up the guy, nor asked for addresses to see examples of his work in the area.  I went to look him up, and couldn't find anything under his business, or anything that would put him in a more positive light. Later that week, when the guy was done for the day, the old man came in and said that absolutely everything was wrong.  He was afraid to speak up because he didn't want to be the bad guy again, but my moth

 Last weekend was something that left me sunburnt, and concerned in some ways, but feeling happy in others. Puppy came out for another weekend, which we had planned for a while, in order to go to the new renn faire that started in New York.  First though, we had a bit of time since he drove out early to avoid shore traffic.  We watched a live action adaptation for an anime that we've been digging into, and found yet another movie to get to. The faire was fun, but a long drive away.  I'm looking forward to seeing how it evolves over time as it gains more traction and notice, because right now it's a little small, as people don't want to risk an eight week contract on a gamble.  On the ride home, there was a lot of problematic people on the road, and we were both about hangry, and it was not great. However, while trying to make up plans, backups, and backups for backups, I eventually got us a solid idea for dinner.  I asked him if he wanted to try somewhere for Indian, wh

 It happens every spring, or at least it did, until the pandemic first hit.  I go from one or two things, until close to Easter, and then I barely have time to breathe. And this May, is right back to that.  Puppy asked if he could crash here in order to make Mother's day easier, and while I'd hit a point where things were difficult on my end, I told him I would be busy, but he was welcome.  It wound up actually being a decent time, and while I still need to have a serious talk with him (which will hopefully happen after he's here again this weekend) it definitely made me feel better about keeping him as a decent friend. Also, we tried a thai place nearby, and it was fantastic. This coming weekend we're going to a new renn faire that some friends of mine are performing at.  It'll be a long adventure, but one that I'm looking forward to after years without going to one. The one weekend I was supposed to have free, I found something interesting that I sent to Rabbi

Initially, I had wanted to go see Lux over Squishy's spring break.  It's been an incredibly long time since I've seen him, and it would be worlds easier to navigate how we want things to work going forward if we could talk in person.   However, that didn't happen.  He was busy with work, and hasn't been the best with communication, and so it just sort of didn't. And that was incredibly anxiety inducing.  Sitting in limbo with a sensation similar to how I was left in a void with Kitty.  And while I'm very well sure that it isn't the same situation, and won't work out the same, it still had the same taste, and didn't make things any easier. Upon realizing I wasn't going to make it down to see him though, I tried to make more plans in order to utilize the time that I had.  Even one of those didn't come to fruition, but I did get Rabbit out here for a night away so that he could relax.   And not only did he need it, but it was definitely a go

 Recently, I found a random post that I needed to keep open for a little while to just appreciate.  It was something that spoke about all the different types of intimacy, by listing all the little things that happen that do in fact count. And it made me happy, because as I navigate the possibility of not experiencing romance, seeing the various forms of connection and intimacy is incredibly important.  I've always held more appreciation for random smaller gestures, and how that builds relationships.   I remember while with the gnome, whenever he would try to have sex, he would claim he was trying to be intimate and romantic.  That was all that his idea was, and I think that's the norm.  That unless it's people doing things physically naked, it doesn't count. But intimacy exists in little moments.  In remembering little details about a person, or sharing stories.  Making your favorite recipes, or watching movies.  It exists when we sing poorly together, and hold hands, o