A New Devious Chapter

 Just when I thought it was done.  I honestly thought I had found all the shitty moments from Thrax, the things burrowed into my brain like land mines.  The ones that no matter how much he tries to tell himself that he did nothing wrong, did lasting damage to my brain.  I thought I'd found so many that I'd found them all. But apparently that wasn't the case.  Underneath all the other things that had been done, was at least one more, undiscovered and covered in dust. Until my last visit with Kitty. And it was small, but when he did it accidentally, and then made more comments not knowing what he'd done, it hit like a truck.  Burst from the dust, and I couldn't do much but lay there and cry for a few minutes.  And while trying to navigate what was happening, also trying to tell myself that I was with Kitty, someone I trusted.  Just like every time it's happened with Lux, that didn't matter, and I just tried to navigate back to a level space. It was ...

Lux and I threw around the idea of going to Winterfire, with a lot to talk about.  We were unsure about timing, and how we would want to travel, and a big pile of things.  Those were easy enough to figure out, but he brought up something that was causing him a little anxiety. He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners.  Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it. And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it. Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows. It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up. ...

The other day, after plodding along a bit more with my vibrator, I cleaned it up, and plugged it in to charge.  I flopped onto my bed, and giggled a bit. I thought about the time with Thrax where he attempted to use a hitachi on me.  How he just put it near my genitals, and waited about two seconds before shifting it once, and giving up.  He put on an attachment, tried to insert it, and after about five more of it being stationary gave up.  To keep it in mind, he was able to get me off with digital stimulation. Frequently though, he would try to shame me when I would ask for more play.  Turn it into a gaslighting attempt, because he couldn't enjoy his biggest kink with me, claiming it to be forced orgasm.  I would tell him that he could always indulge in this manually, and he would tell me it was too much work, and that he just wanted to be able to strap a toy to my leg and watch. Really, he wanted to avoid work at whatever cost.  Wanted unwarr...

There are many times when I think about the things I've done which I may not enjoy, and wonder about them. Somewhat frequently, I remind Lux that he's in charge, and that something I may not outwardly have interest in, I'm open to trying with him, because I can definitely enjoy something for who I'm doing it with rather than just the action.  It's something he forgets, which I understand, because it's a bit weird. I also think about things and feel more curious about them.  Things I've done which I say I don't enjoy, but wonder if it was just the conditions.   So I think, is this against my hard limits, which I know enough that I do not do well with?  Is this something that I should try to experiment with further?   And lately, the thing I decided to try was vibration.  My previous experience was with Thrax (which I think I'll write about more later) and did not go well, for several reasons.  I decided it was worth a shot to te...

I spent some time curious. Seeing what other people are writing about when it comes to a few of the things I want to teach.  Taking ideas to help adapt classes, and build them in a more accessible way. Except, a lot of what I saw on similar subjects were near the complete opposite. Things like how to speak to dominants in a pleasing way. How not to get angry with a dom. How to ask for things without annoying a dom. Just a pile of things that slowly made me frustrated. All of these things muddle communication.  They dismiss emotions, and create an assumptive and unhealthy scale for a relationship.  They felt like my dynamic with Thrax, where I had to say what he wanted regardless of how I felt.  That my frustration with his lies and bringing them up was wrong.  That my constantly asking for what I needed, or things he promised should have just been ignored. Even if it isn't straight abuse, it doesn't help encourage any sort of healthy communicatio...

When I was sixteen, I remember sitting at the computer, and deciding that at some point, I wanted a body piercing.  Because it was me, I then went about researching different piercings to see exactly what I wanted done.  Most of the piercings out there looked at the time rather unappealing to me, but I really enjoyed the way pierced nipples looked.  I loved them, and decided that I would at some point have it done. Well, then I was dating the gnome, who, along with any other form of self expression I wanted, tried to fight against me ever having the piercing done. Then, on April 21st of 2011, I decided to go and have them done.  It was a gift to myself for finally getting rid of the gnome, and gaining new independence and sense of self. I unfortunately had also already started playing with Thrax. Well, he decided that these piercings were something that he didn't need to care about.  He pressured me to stretch them faster than they should be, and if I we...

I looked down at the date on Tuesday, while having a particularly difficult day for a ton of reasons, and realized that it was four years to the day since Thrax and I broke up.  I mentioned it to Lux, and that I should do something he would have hated.  He jokingly just said "Yea, forget about him."  And while yes, it's best not to dwell on the past, and it's not like I went out of my way to remember it, or had even thought about it before that moment, it's not the best thing to completely forget. I don't think back on him fondly.  I don't think about it and blame myself.  I think about it, and remember the things he did.  How often he lied, or kept secrets, or tried to manipulate me, gaslight me, and use me to do whatever he wanted with disregard for myself. I try not to fixate on it, but I do think about it and feel glad that it's been gone from my life.  That I keep it in mind so I never do deal with it again.  It's something to acknowled...

It's been a long time since I've broken up with Thrax, and gone without an abusive partner in my life.  A long time since I've had that negative influence, and everything that comes with it. In that time, I've learned a lot.  I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more. Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through. I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time. Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault.  Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time.  Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked. Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in m...

I recently was talking to some folks, and when talking about exes, I mentioned some of the things that the gnome and Thrax had done.  I said it all casually, just like normal conversation.  After they got over their surprise of how much I'd dealt with through them, they said they were glad that I'd forgiven them for my own peace of mind and healing. I very quickly corrected them. I'm not the type to forgive a person for things they've done, and I definitely don't forget.  It doesn't bring me peace, or help me heal or anything like that.  What I can do though, is move on, and realize that they aren't worth my time any longer, or the effort to actively wish them ill. I'm aware of what they've done though.  Always.  People don't change.  They don't deserve to be treated like everything is bright and shiny for everything they've done.  I will take what they've done as something to learn from, and never stand for anyone doing similar...

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side. There's a reason I point this out, I promise. Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together. And Lux will be just back from h...

When Thrax was trying to convince me that we needed to date Bit, I constantly told him that I didn't want it to happen.  I told him that if he was going to bring in another partner, it had to be someone I approved of, because with how often we spent time together, and that he wanted her to live there, it would be like me dating her too.  He swore that I wouldn't be dating her, but then also said that "our" relationship needed a girlfriend in the same breath, hoping that would make him look less like a selfish asshat. Well, y'know, I didn't want someone who lied, stole, did drugs, had a bunch of unprotective sex already with STDs, and was generally disrespectful in our dynamic.  Oh damn, look at me being the bad guy. Now, while I don't really care if my partners become super besties, it is significantly easier for me if they get along.  I'm really lucky that Lux and Kitty approve of each other, and hit it off pretty well. And, Kitty feels the same...

I was thinking the other day, of how Thrax was so vehemently against anything he deemed to be submissive.  This included things like doing favors for me, or even education in order to be safe during play.  He would refuse to do things like self tie while I would do the same in order to teach him basic single and double columns, because he would swear it made him submissive. And, really, this is just fear on his part.  As a switch, I've always been very aware that any act has the potential to be done with any side of power exchange, or with none at all.  Treating an act as though it can only be done one way, is going without looking at the possible fun in it.  Yes, there is an obvious top and bottom to any act (unless, you know, the same thing is being done to both, in cases of mutual violence, or molestation) but to say that an act inherently gives or takes control absolutely makes no sense.  Things like when I dig my hands into Lux, doesn't mean I'm in c...

Both of my last two relationships were incredibly emotionally, and at times somewhat physically abusive.  To be honest, it's something I've dealt with my entire life, and currently as well from my parents, but I'm focusing more on those last two relationships in this case.  And while a lot of it had a shitty effect on me, it's also helped me become a better partner I think.  I know the effects it has, and I don't want people to ever feel that way.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, I feel like you can't really be conscious of it all unless you've been through it. Things like balancing partners, and making them both feel cared about, even though it's something I've pretty much gotten used to, is something I still worry about and make sure I manage.  I know how it feels to be tossed aside just for the prospect of something new and shiny, or because someone has decided to stop giving a shit.  I hate the idea of ever doing that to a partner, and if I ever...

Because I haven't been in a good mood for a while, and I get to see Lux tomorrow, I figured I would put down a collection of short little stories which make me giggle about him.  Some of those little moments that are just too funny not to keep around to tell when the timing is right. Background: So, Lux has giant schween.  Like, similar to, or larger than most porncock.  I generally don't mention this, because I care more about him than his genitals, but it apparently is something that brings about humor, so hooray. First, one of our favorite stories, from while I was living with Thrax.  It was just before the weekend that I was going to move out, and there wasn't much food in the apartment, because I did the shopping, and saw no point in filling the place with food if I was leaving in a couple more days.  The following exchange occurs: Thrax: Hey, is that sirloin still in the freezer?  Is it cool if I bring it out to PA? Me: Yea, but the filet in the f...

I remember a conversation that Thrax had with me one day while walking into the house.  Something that he felt completely justified with, and that he was right to tell me. He said that even though I was his girlfriend, I wasn't a "trophy partner".  That he needed to pursue the other girls he was going after, in complete disregard for who any of them were, because they were girls he felt he could show off more in public.  Yea, tell that to a girl who already has body dysmorphia.  Needless to say, it made me feel physically like garbage for a while, because I knew the only thing they technically had on me, was that they fit closer to society's standard of beauty.  This did just cement in that Thrax didn't really give a shit about me more than feeling like I needed to compete, but it still dug in what didn't need help in my brain. I'm very well aware that my build doesn't fit what society would normally prefer.  I'm not photogenic, but rather someo...

I try to be very relaxed about my partners finding other fun people in their lives.  I try to trust their judgement, because, hell, they decided to keep me around, so they make some good decisions. I learned while with Thrax not to think of myself as being in competition with anyone.  That if someone is going to treat me like shit, they'll do it regardless of the other people, and anyone worth keeping around will listen to me warning them about unhealthy or attacking behaviors. Jealousy doesn't serve me, and I'm very comfortable in my view that so long as I'm being treated consistently, everything is cool in the world.  If at any point I need more attention, I have no problem asking for it, and generally get it.  However, I get nervous whenever a partner of mine finds a new person.  It's not really out of worry for how it'll affect me, but how it'll affect them.  I'm incredibly protective, and I've seen partners get hurt by others far too often to...

So, go look at the very first post in this blog as a reminder, because it makes this post a bit funnier, and have more meaning.  Go on, I'll give you a minute. Did you read it? Got it all fresh in your head? Good. That party I skipped out on last weekend wound up being a complete clusterfuck.  Lux is actually glad I wasn't there for my own safety.  It seems that crazy feminist friend had gotten super drunk around Thrax the last time he visited without his girlfriend, and they wound up making out, with him not remembering any of it the next day.  Last weekend, she wound up doing the same with Felix.  After they were done, she amusedly told him about the time with Thrax, and his girlfriend heard.  She flipped shit, and jumped on Thrax, physically attacking him.  Crazy feminist pulls her off, only to get attacked herself.  Once they put enough bodies between the two of them, his girlfriend threw a fit to have someone drive her home (which wound u...

Thrax used to constantly refer to people as "spinning plates", which was something I hated.  Any time you compare someone to something mundane and generic, it's showing you don't see them as a complex unique being.  And always when using this, he would say that my plate was "well spun", and use it as an excuse to ignore me, thinking I was perfectly happy being on the backburner, as he spent all his time, money, and energy, attempting to woo toxic girls, despite my speaking up about issues. He was so concerned with just obtaining people, and then seeing them as taken care of just because they were present.  He would constantly neglect me, thinking I was happy despite my blatently saying otherwise. People, especially significant important partners, are not spinning plates.  They aren't something you just check in with once in a while, or put work in at the beginning, and then move onto the next.  It creates that cycle of neglect, occasionally looking and...

I remember a lot of my posts in my old blog that said that things would be good in a matter of time, I just needed to wait for something to happen.  Then, it would, and I'd still be waiting for something new to happen for things to be better with Thrax.  It was this empty chase, waiting for things to be good, and I stayed along because I'm stubborn, and the sparse days where things were good compared to the normal. And then, shortly after he and I broke up, I read something about not waiting.  If you have to say that things will be good with a partner when some external thing occurs, you'll always be putting weight on the relationship that everything in life needs to be perfect for things to be happy with your partner.  This constant building towards an ideal just to be able to say you and your partner are doing well. And dear gods, did that resonate with me. After the initial honeymoon period, things with Thrax and I were never good.  Waiting for something w...

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm not a big fan of the holidays.  They seriously drain me, provide a massive amount of stress, and in general make me rather cranky.  And to top it off, my family has a tendency of forgetting me around this time of year.  Treating me more like shit than usual, but ignoring, and forgetting about me.  Mind you, I'm not the materialistic type.  I don't want much, usually because anything I'm told I'll get by most never happens, or I'm told no to things I need.  It's how I grew up, and it's always a bit of a shock to find out how abnormal it is. But, as you can see, this sort of environment doesn't make for much Christmas spirit.  It's why I'd get so upset with Thrax, when he'd literally spend thousands on Bit (usually on things from my wishlists, or that he'd previously promised me), then realize he forgot to get me anything, and yell at me that I was wrong and he was waiting for it to show if I aske...