A New Devious Chapter

 Part of being demisexual, at least for my particular case, involves not getting any enjoyment out of watching others have sex.  Normal types of pornography usually turn me off, or only make me laugh at best, but have never turned me on.  However, aspects of kink I enjoy that don't involve traditional sexual framing absolutely can be hot to me, and that's something that often takes a bit for others to understand. So when it comes to Rabbit, who tends to process most things sexually, or enjoy sex mixed into all parts of his life, I had gotten a little worried.  I wasn't sure if this would be a case where it would never be understood, or something that would be used against me like it has been. While I was at his place, I introduced him to one of my favorite anime.  I also told him that he was only allowed to watch up to a certain episode alone.  So he watched up to that point the day after I went home, and then had to wait a week until he came over on Thanks...

 Squishy had a week without school where she went to see her step family, so I spent a week with Rabbit.  His parents were just getting back from their home country, so we needed to pick them up from the train station, and see them for the first time in months.  It was good to spend time with them, and it's still amazing how welcoming they are to me. The week as a whole was enjoyable.  We spent one day going up to New York City, where I brought Rabbit into Chinatown for the first time.  We got some super cheap dumplings, and pastries, wandered around tiny shops, and watched lots of musicians.  After that we went into Brooklyn and he got to meet Dansa for the first time.  They got along well, and it was fun overall.  I'm always happy getting to introduce friends to each other. The only real thing that I can complain about, which is often something I've found happens with Rabbit, is his time management.  He's not late for things, but he sort of...

 Between my visits to Rabbit, there was a week when he couldn't come spend a night with me.  He was taking care of some important things at home, and so didn't have time to be here.  At the same time, he had commented that he didn't clean up super well after one of the times we had sex, and some fluids dried and caused a small scab.  He mentioned that it was a bit of a raw spot, and not the most comfortable. I told him that he should abstain from doing anything that might mess with the skin for a couple of days, which included masturbation.  He whined, and tried to dismiss the idea, not wanting to be told no. Then, somehow thinking it might trick me in some fashion, he went to make a deal with me.  He said that he would abstain for three days, which meant an extra long weekend before getting to see me, which would let it heal.  In return, when I saw him, I had to edge him for as long as possible.  When I wasn't sure, purely because I was concerned...

 A while ago, when Rabbit and I first started playing he made a comment about not really being much of a masochist, but just in primarily for sensation play.  He spoke about his bad experiences with impact previously, and I noticed him just sticking to wanting to play with a couple of different things. And I realized, that while he had done a lot of things in regards to sex, and whatever his fucket list on that front, there was very little he'd done to explore to kink.  He didn't have people who were heavily educated, had never been to a public kink event, and had done little to no rough body play. So one night, as we were winding down after sex, I gave him a solid hit on the upper ribs.  He looked at me a second, as he actually processed the feeling of it, then sort of happily curled up on himself, and asked me to do it again.  We realized we needed a snack, so we ran out, and he was gleefully announcing to a friend that he discovered he liked being punched. Ev...

 My birthday also happened last month, and so right after going to Brooklyn, I had a short amount of time to repack, and prepare for Rabbit to come and pick me up for a long visit with him again.  We had made some plans for my birthday, which fell through, but immediately turned into backup plans that we were both excited for. I had sent him with most of my things the week before, which meant that we could finally ride the bike from my place to his, so long as I packed lightly enough to fit everything in the saddlebags.  He wanted me to bring rope, which means we had to fit a second bag, and that just barely managed to fit.  But we got up early and got on the road, with a fantastic ride across the state during the morning sun.  We then got over to his parents' house, where he had some papers to sign, and I made sure he had as much time with the piano and accordion as he wanted.  It was wonderful to see him just decompress and play, and all the joy it brough...

 As a quick update, about one week post everything happening that I talked about in my last post, my neck is just about fine.  Every once in a while I feel a tiny bit of discomfort, but for the most part, I don't even notice it anymore. But anyway, it's been almost a full week with Rabbit, and while we had these plans to get lots of things accomplished, we may have accidentally let many of them fall to the wayside for sex.  Some things have gotten done.  He got his bike up and running, and we got me a helmet so that I can ride with him.  I've helped with getting the house a little more put together, keeping up with laundry, and taking care of the pups. We've also had sex in almost every room in the house, some multiple times.  This includes having sex on the motorcycle while it was in the garage being finished up.  I may have joked that if I couldn't ride the bike until it gets a new seat, I would just ride them both at once. At the same time, we've fi...

 Remember how I said I had a lot of adventures at the end of June?  Well, as of writing this I'm only a couple of days in, and damn if it hasn't already been a trip. Puppy showed up on the Sunday evening after he was done with father's day obligations.  I was still having the off moments of feeling unsure around him from the weekend prior.  Even when we were curled up watching one of my favorite anime, I never quite got comfortable.  After everything that had happened lately, I wound up exhausted early, and we got to bed, where I slept like a rock. The next morning, Puppy and I had sex, and while I wasn't quite into it, things were a little better than the weekend before, so I attributed it to my overall mental state, and trucked along.  The morning went quietly enough, although the gnome pulled some annoyances that I should have expected, and got us out the door a but later than planned.   And then the universe started throwing bricks at me....

 My parents both recently had to take a trip down to Virginia due to a death in the mostly family.  While I didn't like the timing of it initially, it didn't interfere with any of the plans I had already made, and that made things much easier for me.  Puppy was leaving the same day they did, Squishy had their last week of school, and so Rabbit was able to come visit for most of the time we were gone. And while we were both in a bit of a compromised state still, after everything that's happened, it was also a couple of days where we could enjoy time together, be silly, and have vast chunks of time to be able to play.  Given that it's been years since he had done any kink, we're re-exploring all the things he used to enjoy, a little at a time.  I recently also did some mental exploration, and discovered a handful of reasons as to why I had never been attracted to him, given the friendship and connection we'd built over the years, and subsequently fixed some things...

 Well, it finally happened.  After four years, the one vibrator I've had that actually worked for me died.  Through all the different shapes and types I had tried, just a simple mini wand was the one sort that actually elicited any response from me. It's not even that I used it terribly often.  Maybe once a week during the most frequent time period, and even that was only for a month or so.  And I did find that about a year ago the motor had started dying, and the battery didn't last nearly as long.  Despite that, it was an inexpensive experiment that lasted me several years, and did the job it needed to. Now that it's gone though, I'm left trying to figure out if I want to replace it or not.  And on that matter, with knowing that there is an amount of bludgeoning that my external genitals can enjoy, would I get the same thing, or upgrade to a more expensive brand.  Knowing how many toys did nothing for me, spending more with the risk of it being ...

 Finally, we hit the end of the holidays here.  All the birthdays are done, and big obligations.  Sure, we still have things coming up, but they're smaller, and don't require actual work.  I'm looking forward to the little things that those involve, and just getting to have fun. Squishy had some friends over for her birthday.  They both live right down the road, and while as loud as you would expect three young barely teens to be, they're good kids.  I'm glad she's made some better friends than she had, and has settled into the middle school fairly well.  I've unfortunately had to have words with my mom a few times about them though, because she keeps insisting that they're all girls despite being told otherwise multiple times.  It's irritating, and I try to be extra attentive of my language with them to help them all feel better. The weekend after, I went out to Philly for Puppy's birthday, because apparently I'm never allowed to find people...

 Something interesting about my talk with Lux about No Nut November, was that I had recently had some slightly related conversation with Puppy a week or so prior.  We were in the process of sort of updating mental notes on each other, and seeing what may have changed, and so I needed to start the conversation about how I don't get anything from, and don't often cum. I've talked about it a handful of times here before, but it's always a conversation that I need to have with others, because it's so far from what would be considered normal. And that was made apparent by his response.  Saying that he was still going to try, because he wanted to have a bar to aim for, seemed in and of itself to miss the mark.  And no matter how much I told him, he seemed intent on that being his goal (and also that he was going to satisfy my constantly wanting sex, which, I know how that's always ended in the past with others). It took me just telling him to set the goal at having fu...

 Near the beginning of the month, Lux and I had a conversation about the idea of No Nut November.  That doing things like forcing orgasms, or prohibiting them shouldn't happen, because it stifles us being our sexual selves, in either direction.   And while yes, we should be free to be whoever we are sexually, I think taking chunks of time to explore things with a different framework can be beneficial.  Much like how over the years, I've found more enjoyment out of several holidays, by utilizing them in ways that are far from what we've been taught is standard. Rather than a full month of abstinence from all sexual contact, maybe we need a month where we simply remove orgasm.  To encourage contact, physical intimacy, and sex, but without the pressure to have it result in cumming.  Rather than a limit, to look at it as a time to explore, enjoy, and bond without that race to the finish that most people find in sex. For so many people the bar to aim for is...

 I've been rewatching Buffy over the last couple of weeks.  A full watch of the series, in order, which is something I don't think I've ever actually done.  It's been good seeing that some of my favorite things are still great, that there are some parts I'm still not fond of, and seeing just how low budget many parts of this were. But one plot device made me more annoyed than anything, especially with what they continued to do with it as the series went on. In Season two, the big bad was Angelus.  The true vampire mind of Buffy's boyfriend, Angel, once the soul cursed upon him was removed.  Buffy needs to confront her boyfriend, who is now a merciless sadist, bent on destroying the world, and trying to drive people to madness in the process. The thing that broke the curse mind you, was one moment of true happiness.  Otherwise he would be forced to constantly suffer with the possession of a soul. And the thing that causes that happiness?  Taking Buffy's...

 It was only for a night, but over the weekend of Valentine's, Lux was able to visit.  Squishy was away with the gnome, so I was able to just enjoy time with him for a day.  And while these visits are short, and we're limited in what we can do, having him around again after so long in between makes me happy. After so long without sex, our bodies weren't at all used to the amount that we enjoy, but it didn't stop us, and at least on my end, it helped tremendously.  I don't need sex as a form of self affirmation, but I do gain some level of mental reset from it, and it helps me relax a bit in knowing how Lux is doing as well.  In many ways, it's a way of checking in with each other, which we don't often get to just sit and do with how life gets in the way. We talked on and off about our plans for the year.  Lux changing jobs is going to do him a lot of good, and be very beneficial for him in the coming year, but he has some things he's going to need to do,...

It was about a week ago now, deep into feeling like I was barely running on fumes, and counting down the days until I would get a break from how things were.  I had showered one night, and as I was finishing up, a strange thing came to mind. In my learning to masturbate, and exploring therein, I've realized that if I want my body to have any response, not only do I have to hope that I have the exact right angle and position, which changes every day, but I also need to only focus on specific parts of how it feels.  If I wanted to try and let my mind wander at all, it's more or less me deciding that I never want there to be any end result.  There is no thinking about even the things that I know my mind would enjoy, and when I'm done, there's no feeling of being done.  I'm not more turned on, or satisfied, or anything.  It just is. What I had remembered in this moment though, is how there would be times when Lux and I would be messaging each other, and while I was ...

Over the course of lockdown, you would think that I would be getting reliant on the sex toys I have.  That I would actually have a masturbation habit by now, if only due to lack of opportunity to be with a partner.  Especially with the time this summer, where my touch starvation was being taken care of, and my normal sex drive is back and vocal. However, I've found masturbation less and less appealing.  More often than not, I am finding myself feeling like I would rather go without if I can't be with a partner, because it isn't anywhere near as good anyway. And apparently my body agrees. On the rare occasion that I do decide to do anything, not only is it something I get no real satisfaction from, but it goes pretty much nowhere.  Previously, at least I knew that I just had to use a ridiculous amount of force to make my body respond.  That eventually, I would just overstimulate myself, and make my body react that way. Now, my body is almost completely unresponsi...

While at Kitty's the last time, getting ready for dinner one evening, I threw one of my random lockdown thoughts at Fox and someone else.  And they leaned on the island in the kitchen, looking at me, wondering about how it would work as well. I posted a while back about how I get torn over how to explain my sexuality.  Over only being attracted to men, but how my lack of gender messes with that in how I talk about it, without picking a side within the binary, for myself or others. And of course, the two of them just tried to tell me to use the term "queer" but I've spoken about my dislike of that.  We also then discussed that with "queer" comes the assumption of some level of pansexuality, which doesn't fit for me at all. And so weeks passed, and then on facebook I saw someone mentioning their sexuality, and said they were androsexual, and my brain lit up.  A quick google, and I learned that it was a very clear term that explained an attraction t...

Coming out of the most recent trip to Kitty's there's been an odd swirl of feelings.  Some of which I've already spoken about, but others I've had to take time to process through. Once I had a day home without any of my polycule present, drop started to hit like a brick.  I was exhausted, and doing anything for the first day or so was a project.  Squishy wasn't being easy to deal with, and that certainly didn't help as the I trudged my way through a few days. I wasn't dealing with the usual symptoms though that also accompany that mental state.  I was anxious over not knowing what would happen in the next few weeks.  Overthinking the options that depended on others, possibilities for when Squishy goes back to school, and a thousand other things.  Enough that would overwhelm most, but instead all of gave me a sense of anticipation.  Wanting to know what would happen, and feeling a bit like spinning wheels, but enough possibility for good that it was...

I posted on here several times about the touch starvation caused by lockdown.  The odd dreams, and the way it affected my mental state through everything else going on.  One of the things I needed with the last invasion was an end to that lack of touch, which is why Lux encouraged contact. And like with most things, I only needed a little bit.  A handful of truly heartfelt hugs, and I felt everything lighten up. With it, the touch starvation I was dealing with was sated, so even though I may have wanted more, what I needed was taken care of. And brought me to my baseline.  Which meant back to wanting all the sex constantly.  Even before I left to head home, I noticed my sex drive hit like a brick as it returned to normal, no longer needing to be put aside and barter for smaller contact. It's a good thing to feel this way again, honestly.  As irritating as it is to still not have a way to fix it, it's good to not feel overwhelmed out of just needing ...

Last Sunday morning, before the mess that was my trip home, I had turned on my alarm so I would be sure to wake up early.  It went off, and Lux and I woke up, but then we both rolled over to snuggle under the covers instead of getting up right away.  I didn't feel ready to start moving, and I especially wasn't ready to leave those snuggles. Lux and I hadn't really gotten that much time in to curl up together, and after two months apart, and who knows how much more time before I would see him again, we needed that bit of time.  So with only a sheet as a wall between us and the other people in the room, we snuggled in, and being us, things didn't just stick to being gently cuddled together. We managed to stay quiet enough to not wake the others up, but it was a bit of a fight at least on my part to keep it that way.  Hands on my throat, and that quiet controlling force made me want to make noise, be responsive, and throw away that respectful silence in favor of bei...