Thursday, June 29, 2017

A Hopeful Wake up

A while ago, my mom and I were out to lunch after running a bunch of errands.  We're sitting in a local diner, waiting on our food, and she mentions how my old man refuses to do anything for himself, and has never actually had to do for himself.  We talk about it for a bit, and then she makes the comment of "You had better hope I outlive him, so that you don't have to take care of him."

And I didn't even pause before responding.  I told her that she had better hope one of her other kids steps up, because I'm not doing it.  That with how he treats me every day if he says I'm too stupid to have a conversation with, that I'm too stupid to take care of him.

I said it very plainly, and sternly, and she just looked at me as if something clicked and she was afraid.  She didn't argue, or respond in any way, and just sat quietly for a moment.  As if in that moment, she realized that her husband is actually abusive, and that I sit and tolerate more than she knows, but that there are some consequences.

At least, I hope that's what it was.

Because if this is something that actually sticks, in a way that didn't cause he to just attack me where we were, she may have started to get the necessary kick in the ass of just how toxic the two of them are.

They've both fought growth and emotional maturity for so long that it's going to take more than just that one kick in the ass, but if this is the first step, maybe some day I'll actually be treated like a person.

I doubt it though.  I'm probably much better off just permanently cutting them from my life at the first chance.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Hippy Dippy Junk

I like to consider myself pretty low maintenance in the scheme of things.  I don't do any real stuff for my skin, and use cheap soaps and shampoos.  My makeup comes from the drugstore, and I'm not into all sorts of vitamins and meds all the time.

And this is where the warning comes up.  This is gonna contain a ton of talk about my cycle and bits.  If you wanna be a weenie, go away.

I've been getting my period like clockwork since I was ten.  The only times I've ever not gotten it right on time is either when I was pregnant, or twice because my stress levels were through the roof.  In fact, I got the IUD I currently have (and plan to stick with, but more on that in a minute) because it would not remove my period.

However, even though it was regular, and my flow has never been super incredibly heavy, I have also always had absolutely intense pain during my period.  When I was a teenager, and trying to tell my mother about it, she would say she was going to call the doctor, and never did because she didn't want to feel like she had to get an exam herself as well.  By the time I could have called and found a doctor myself, I was pregnant, and had to go for that anyway.

While in high school, I would often have to go home early because the pain was so bad, and considering my own pain tolerance on a normal basis, should say something about how extreme my period has been.  Once I got my IUD, one of the most common side effects was heavier period cramping, and I still decided on it, because the pros to me outweighed the cons so much.

Well, it turned into me feeling like I was in labor for several days every month.  I would take pain meds, and it was like a roll of the dice every time to see if they would even work.

Recently, I decided that I'm done with this level of pain, and I needed to find something that would make it a little easier.  I picked up a heating pad, but before that, I started taking tumeric.  It's supposed to help with inflammation, and can help with cramping and lighten flow.

A month later, I get no warning cramps to say my period is going to happen like I normally would.  A few days later, and my period arrives with no other physical symptoms.  The next day, I should be in excruciating pain, but feel my uterus contracting with no cramps.  It's the weirdest feeling ever.

Eventually, I did feel some cramping, but nothing near what I had the month before, and a dose of ibuprofen took care of it without issue.  My period was also a day shorter than normal.

I may be low maintenance about almost everything, but if one supplement a day means my period is tolerable and I can function better through it, I'm all about it.

Slowly, I may be becoming a crotchety old hippie.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Unfortunate Lessons

It seems like the end of the year is always really hard for Squishy.  She's now done with school for the year, and the last month or so has been a lot of talking with her about things.

There are some girls in her class that would flip flop with day by day.  One day she'd be telling me they were attacking her, lying to everyone about her, and yelling at her on a near daily basis.  Then she comes home and says they were nice and asks me if they can come over.

And, I know I can't control who she's friends with.  I can however try to talk to her about what is and isn't healthy behavior in people you keep as friends.

She later would tell me about how she would get told off and attacked whenever she didn't want to play the same things as them, and would even do what they wanted for a little bit of time, wanting to compromise, and they would go off on her.  Then, whenever she would ask if someone else in the class wanted to play, these girls would walk up and say they were already going to play with them, not even giving these kids a chance to answer.

It's hard to explain to an eight year old that even though someone is attacking her, she isn't do anything wrong.  That she needs to just keep being her, and that she is a good person at heart, even if she does have a hell of a bossy streak, and does still need to learn a lot.

I've had to explain to her that anyone who only wants you around when you just follow and blindly obey isn't the kind of person you want to be around.  That healthy, decent people consider those around them, and find a way to make themselves happy while doing so.  That friends can argue every day, but those arguments aren't attacks, and you don't use the other person as a distraction to do things you know are wrong.

It's the things you don't think about as a parent that are the hardest sometimes.  And they're important things to learn in life, but you still hate seeing your kid have to learn them, especially so young.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Stuck on a Theory

So, I said I would talk more about Zero, and things going on with him that have me rather cranky.

I had to be all pride though, cause it's the thing to do.

Last time I talked to him, I was trying to make plans for us to hang out, because it's been a while, and he keeps saying he's missed me.  I made a few suggestions of dates that worked with his schedule, and he started saying that he wasn't sure, and might be hanging out with "the girlfriends".

To which, I asked if this new girl had flat out said she wanted poly and to date.  He said "Not yet, but just taking it day by day".  Bitch, if you already started calling this person your girlfriend, when she isn't, and hasn't yet said she wants to be, you aren't taking it "day by day".  You're reaching for an ideal situation in your head, and don't want to accept that things might not be that way.

We continue talking though, and he fills me in that this girl has a ton of serious medical problems.  Like, life threatening, long term permanent medical problems.  And I tell him that he needs to just be patient, and present, and that she probably doesn't have spoons for a relationship on top of everything else.  That just being there might be all that she can handle right now.

He agrees, and we keep talking.

Then he drops the line "I will have her.  She will be mine"

And I'm immediately saying in a most furious manner, "The fuck you say?  Be happy that she is there.  Be happy just having a part of her life.  Don't fixate on a title or specific relationship."

He says very plainly "I'm not after a title"

Ok, you're already calling her your girlfriend, and saying you want her to be "yours".  You are after a title, you are after a picture perfect closed poly triad, and won't see any other situation, and that's being a piece of shit.

If your ability to be happy with a person is entirely dependent on the title and situation attached to them, you don't give a shit about the person.  He isn't interested in building a friendship with this person, just blindly pushing for a picture in his head, and that's shitty for everyone involved.  Unfortunately, no matter how much I repeat myself, it appears he is too fixated to understand that.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Pride Part Are You Tired of This Yet?

Happy Agender day!

As much as this is something that I've actually used to identify me for the shortest time, it's something I've been aware was different about me since I was my daughter's age or younger.

That I didn't recognize any sort of difference between people in regards to their gender, but simply found myself getting along better with boys.  Apparently, the gender divide was already there and strong, because other girls had a lot of issues with that, and attacked me over it.

As I got older, and started to actually have some personal agency over myself (because my family) I found myself wanting to present more masculine, and of course my family then started to shame on me, and again refuse to let me look the way I wanted.  My father still hates that I keep short hair, but he can blow goats.

No real terms for me have ever fit.  In fact, most gendered terms besides pronouns kind of make my brain tweak because they just feel wrong.  Even though I can't correct the majority of people I come into contact with because I know it'll be just cause me to be attacked and gaslit, even though I feel like it's something that fits me correctly.

Since actually deciding on this, I feel more like me.  As though I can embrace this as something that explains me in a more true fashion, that gives me a static identity and leaves no expectations on how I have to be.

This gives me the chance to feel like me, and so much more than when I was younger, and didn't understand why I couldn't just be a person.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Pride Part Two!

Is Polyamory day!

I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet.

Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves.

Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps.

Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a respectful manner.

However, I don't want to do that right now, because cute boys are cute, and I would like to keep them around for a while.

My current poly situation, even with distance, has given me a ton of good experiences.  I feel like I can speak freely with them, which is something I have been able to do very seldom in my past, and even with many people in my life now.  I have no need to feel jealous, and while things are nowhere near perfect, they're each healthier dynamics than most people have probably ever had.

And, honestly, this isn't much easier or harder for me that any other type of dynamic to balance, other than having to make sure I give time to multiple people.  Distance really does make it more difficult than anything, but both boys being around doesn't create nearly the challenge that I had anticipated.  That is probably partially due to me being mentally prepared for it needing a ton of work, and because they're both fantastic.

Unfortunately, I still need to keep quiet about things at home, which is incredibly unfortunate, but it's just one more thing on the pile of not being allowed to be me the vast majority of the time, and then being told I'm a thousand horrible things that I'm not on a daily basis.

The people that put you down for who you are don't want to accept the variations of the world, but this is something I am proud of, because I am incredibly proud of the people in my life.

Thursday, June 08, 2017

Pride Part One!

It's pride month and shit!  And it just so happens that the days that would apply to me actually match my posting schedule!  Which means the next few posts are going to focus on an aspect of me is meant to be celebrated, because it's weird, and that's cool.

Today is Demisexual pride day, and I can clearly say this is something I've been more aware of for the longest time.  The fact that I'm attracted to so few people out there, that for a very long time I had no idea that sexual attraction was actually a thing, and that it was separate from emotional attraction.

Because it's something people especially don't talk much about when they're younger (and for reasons I'll probably get to in a post soon) I thought all this was normal.  As I got a little bit older and figured out what the actual difference was, I thought I was just really picky.  Incredibly picky, and awkward.

Well, the awkward part is right, but that has nothing to do with it.

See, almost every partner I've ever had was a friend first. and while I may not have had a real attraction to them (which is a relatively small percentage of the total) I've always been disinterested in doing anything on a "first date", one night stands, or random anonymous partners of any sort.

In fact, the more I got to know people even after being attracted to them, I didn't grow disinterested or complacent like many people do.  In fact, it's quite the opposite, and I find myself more attracted to them over time.

And it took a while for me to realize how out of the norm that was.  That many people leave their partners just due to not being attracted after a certain amount of time, or wanting to bone several people they see throughout the day.

I realized that my disinterest in porn was born from it.  That I could watch two people going through something and be bored out of my mind, but if a partner suggests it, I will jump at the opportunity, and be giddy to go about it.

Even though I am definitely in the minority with a lot of things due to this, I've never felt like it made me wrong at all.  It's just an aspect of who I am, and honestly, I'd rather be attracted to a few people in my life for the long term, rather than a million people for a few minutes.  Not that there is anything wrong with either, but this certainly seems to be the easier one for me, and it is an aspect of myself that I do take pride in, because it helps make me who I am.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

A Weird Club

Lux and I were chatting the other day, and he asked me if I'd seen Berserk.  I actually just watched it recently, so it was all fresh in my head.  Then he asked me if I felt like Griffith was justified.

If you don't know, Griffith is the leader of a mercenary group who starts taking on a lot of royal contracts, and gaining status while holding onto a cursed pendant.  At one point, he is captured, and tortured every day for three years.  He then is rescued by the protagonist Guts, and his second in command, Casca.  Shortly after, he sees the budding romance of the two of them, then triggers the Eclipse with his pendant, sacrificing his entire group to a collective of greater demons, in order to become a demon himself.  To top it off, he then rapes Casca in front of Guts, who is barely alive.

And, then he sort of helps some people after.

Here's the thing.  He's classically pretty in the silver haired bishounen kind of way.  Which means that he honey dicks everyone.

There are literally piles of articles saying he was justified in doing this.

Needless to say, Lux and I are not in that party.

And, this is where it's gonna trigger every Tumblr feminist ever.

It's mostly women who write these articles, and say that he did nothing wrong.  And those women, are why there are so many predators in geek culture.  Yes, I will victim blame them when they wind up with the wrong person, and no, they get no sympathy from me.  These women romanticise and play pity party to characters just because they look lithe and pretty in a special anime way that honestly is normally saved for villains.  They watch him rape a major female character in front of her lover, the protagonist of the story, who previously considered this person his best friend, then say he did nothing wrong.  I'm sorry, but they're going to wind up in a shitty situation, because they think demonic rapists and perfectly fine and heroic characters.

And sure, there are people who will fetishize that and get off to it.  There's a ton of kinks that scene feeds.  There's a major difference in an aspect of a scene being hot, and excusing that behavior in a character and a person.

Lux and I agree he needs a pineapple tree shoved up his ass.  Not just a pineapple, the whole plant.

And the more people who feel that way, the less welcome predators will feel.

Thursday, June 01, 2017

Welcome Change

Last weekend with Memorial Day, the beast was gone with the gnome for a while, and I had figured on spending the time cleaning through things that really needed sorting, reading, and catching up on a ton of things that I need to start forcing myself into head first.

Well, Lux was just back from a trip to see his family on the island, and wasn't sure when he was headed home.  One morning, he asked what I was up to, and I'm pretty sure my answer didn't matter.  He said he was going to pick me up so I could help him with some things, and we could spend time together.

It was a day out of nowhere, and he was pulled in many different directions mentally, but in several ways, almost seemed like he was better put together than he has been in a while.  And honestly, a lot of things are more resolved now than they were a while ago.  So many things that were up in the air have been decided on, and I think it's brought him peace of mind.  He's been much more affectionate again, and I don't know if that's him forcing it to find his normal, or if he's actually back to wanting that contact.

Either way, I think things are on the way to getting better there, and that things will be improving all around.

We even have plans for me to head north again at the end of June, which I'm looking forward to.

Sometimes, little things bring hope and that's all it takes to make things better.