A New Devious Chapter

Something crazy has happened.  Something unheard of for this time of year. For a couple of days, I'm caught up on everything.  As in, there's no holiday prep to do right now, no schlepping to manage, and no gifts to make.  I started early, and so I'm caught up on just about all of it. It's a strange feeling to be sure, and almost makes me more anxious that I don't have a thousand things to do at every moment. It also makes me crave time with people even more though.  Not knowing when I'll see them again, and now having space when I'm not running, and could be getting in quality time recharging with them.  It makes me feel like a big awkward jumble, and almost impatient to get moving again just so I don't have to miss them so much. This time of year is such a strange thing for my mind.

I read a lot of things about poly, and hear a lot of arguments for it that give the reasoning of one person not being able to be everything a person needs.  That they need another person to fill in the gaps, and this should just be considered normal. Except, I feel like that cultivates a negative space.  It means telling someone they aren't enough every day.  It encourages a competitive environment in hopes that you'll become the more tended to partner by being more appealing than the other.  It creates a space where we look at things as needs, which may just be surface desires.  And it makes us look at people more as a checklist than as people. I have the same needs for every partner I have, regardless of their space in my life.  Those needs are things like presence, acceptance of who I am, respect, and conversation.  They are all pretty basic, and that's because I need that to be fulfilled more than most other things.  There's never a gap ...

I will now take advantage of the fact that my posting schedule means I will always have something appear on Thanksgiving. This year, I'm particularly grateful for only a couple things in my life, but they're pretty big ones. I'm thankful for having people who stay around.  The vast majority of the people in my life have been there for a long time, even if they aren't constantly present.  They're people who know who I am, and what that entails.  Knowing they've been around a long time and still haven't disappeared gives me feelings of support, and that's the best ever. I'm also thankful for my sense of inspiration and desire for growth and progress.  I've seen myself be able to do a lot of things I couldn't, or wouldn't even touch a year ago.  I see myself becoming more comfortable and content with some things, all in positive ways. While this year was hard on my mental state, and there wasn't much good overall, I'm finding...

It has to be something with the seasons, but I've noticed that especially with so many people becoming busy with the holidays, I'm craving presence.  Rather than wanting to simply be out among groups and wanting to be social, I feel like I need to be with the people I care about most, and have more time together to take care of them, or snuggle up.  I'm not even craving force in play, but rather the affirmation of power exchange and affection. I think that part of this is also just the long time I've had apart from so many of the people I can actually be affectionate with.  The ones I can just relax around, and feel inspired and relaxed and like I can recharge however I need. Hopefully with the holidays I'll be able to spend more time with them soon. In the meantime, I'll find self-affirmation in the things I'm learning over the next few weeks.

We've officially moved into the mass of holiday prep.  The other day I was going through my project lists, and massively time consuming things that need to happen in the next few weeks.  And, it's the time of year when I barely have time to breathe. Well, I was working on a bunch of things that I had needed to get more done with, but now that gets put aside again.  Not because of my mental space though, but because I have so many things to do on a deadline that it has to move to the backburner.  That alone makes me feel a little better about it. This year is really pushing me in a few ways.  I'm trying a completely new medium, which is going pretty well.  I'm also attempting some new techniques with other mediums, and just making up patterns as I go along.  It's the sort of year where I'm really feeling like I'm rather adept with things.  It's also fun to actually make things up just from a flat picture rather than follow a pattern. It's als...

Almost as though it's being shoved in my face to show my own progress, I've seen so many cases of people being insecure lately, and noticing how normal that is. A few cases were the after effects of abuse causing people to be overly paranoid, or constantly placing blame on themselves.  Some were simply being afraid of voicing their own needs, or feeling like they were wrong for having them.  Even more were being told they felt they had to ignore their own limits, and learn to do things they didn't enjoy to get the attention that other partners did.  And occasionally to the point of being shamed for not simply blindly obeying alongside other parts of a dynamic. I look at these, and first I feel badly for those people for being in those situations and mindsets.  Then, I realize how much more secure I am in being me, and knowing that I am justified in what I need.   There was too much of my life where I wasn't secure, and it was because of the shitt...

I had a friend over last weekend, who is going through a breakup, and realizing her needs and such in the process.  It's insane, to see so much of my past in another relationship, and that imbalance and disregard of needs. Over the last couple years, I've had so much concern for my partners.  For their lives, and safety, and taking care of them how I can.  I've also had to keep track of my own bandwidth of being able to balance them both.  Something frequently in my thoughts, and that I take great care with. And the number of people I see that don't do that astounds me.  The people who simply throw attention where they want.  And how people make excuses for that, and encourage that behavior, will never solve the problem. I've realized a lot of things about myself over the last weekend, and how far I've come.  I've also realized how far from the norm I am, and that I am not the kind of person most would be able to deal with in any sort of dynami...

I finished a massive project about a week ago. Like, lace tablecloth size project. And I feel like it helped kick me in the ass to want to work on more things. I have a few things I want to get to, but I also have projects that got put down earlier in the year.  Things I had a lot of drive for before I wound up in such a shitty rut for a good while. And while I may have first said I would pick them back up in the beginning of the year, now that I'm through a small pile of projects, I feel like I should just do it now.  Tackle what I can and see what I can get through. I need to cultivate more creativity in my life.  I need to create more in order to feel more inspired, and that will make me feel better and more motivated overall.

I've managed that even though lots of things are going on, to keep social lately, and it's helping me.  Last weekend I spent some time with a friend who I hadn't seen in about a year, and I have plans for this coming weekend as well. It was nice to see a friend though, even if it seemed very confusing on more than one occasion. When I saw him last year, he was just barely fresh into a new relationship.  And a full shift in lifestyle with this person.  For his entire life, he'd had open, and kink positive relationships.  He's spent a year though in a monogamous, vanilla relationship, with someone who is incredibly sexually insecure, passive, and limiting. He goes from one breath saying that she's "the one" and going to be his forever, and then in the next breath saying he can't stand his sex life, and that it's taking a toll on his everyday life beyond where he can deal with. Why is it that so many people share this to me, and I have t...