I remember sitting in Kitty's old car. We were at a gas station, heading out to go to one of his favorite places for dinner, as I told him about the insanity of my parents. He looked me dead in the eye, and with that slight crack in his voice that happens when he gets into his protective mental panic, said "Y'know, I really am surprised you haven't started drinking or doing any drugs."
I was 17 at the time, and just a few months after, my parents would force me to see a therapist because I demanded to be treated like a person, and with respect, and they saw that as "unruly and uncontrollable behavior". The therapist said I was oddly clear headed and well adjusted for how badly they treated me, and once I turned 18, they didn't see me needing to go to them. My mother said the therapist was a "waste of space, and did nothing", because I didn't turn into the moronic slave they treat me as though they want me to be.
Needless to say, I've had a lot of toxic and unhealthy exposure in my life. I have had every opportunity in life pulled out from me, full of lies, and false assumptions. Things that are conveniently remembered in ways that villainize me, and make them look like they did everything perfectly. Ignoring every fact, and only acknowledging what they want to be the truth. Empty promises, degredation, and generally being treated like garbage.
It's no mystery why I had all of my relationships up to this point be with people who were anywhere from mildly unhealthy, to whatever form of abusive. I had no example of how healthy interaction worked, and my parents never mentioned of what should be a red flag, but rather just speak ill of everyone they encountered.
Through my teens, early twenties, and even now, I question how I am so different. I get so dragged down by them, and am constantly beaten by their judgemental and ignorant nature, and yet I remain myself. Someone strong, caring, honest, stubborn and loyal. I love learning, and want nothing to go untouched. I feel driven to create, and do, and experience.
And while I may have gotten close a couple times, I've never lost myself. No matter what, I've stayed me, and, that's something I'm really proud of. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I fight through it all, and have fantastic people I couldn't be more grateful for.
I know I have faults (as does everyone) but so many of the ones in my head were put there by others, and I've been trying to remind myself of that, and really solidify in my mind that I am a good, healthy, and strong person who deserves much better than I've had for most of my life.
I have a lot I want to do, and while I'm not the happiest with my life, I am happy with the person I've turned out to be.
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