Thursday, June 30, 2016

Other Half

(Written on the way home)

My last post was written over the first few days of my visit north.  It was quiet, and calm for us, but we didn't get much done. 

However, the rest of the week was absolutely wonderful.  We were far more snuggly and affectionate, relaxed and had more sex than during the week, and just were able to enjoy each other. 

We discussed Pennsic, and projects, and plans.  I helped him with a few things he needed to get done, continued to take care of the apartment, and actively did what I could to help.  He seemed to relax as the week went on, and told me that everything I was doing was appreciated, and did in fact have a positive effect on his mental space.

On Saturday, we went down to the city with some of his coworkers, to see a museum, and go to dinner for one of their birthdays.  It was fun, and Lux and I got to flail over the arms and armor for most of the day.  We both burned out on the other people present though, and on the train home we were mostly just curled up happy to have quiet.

On Sunday, we spent as much of the day as possible snuggled up in jammies or naked, and playing video games.  Just how we both were with each other, whether it be from finally relaxing into how comfortable we can be together, or realizing I had to leave the next day, but it was absolutely wonderful.  The way we can be that I can just never get enough of. 

It was a good visit, and a great way to break up the long time of having distance between us.  We spoke about him possibly coming down over my birthday because it's so close to his as well, which would be wonderful, and then again two weeks later for Pennsic.  There's so much coming up, but I have a wonderful boy to do it with.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Behind, but Catching up

This week with Lux has been just what I expected it to be.

When he arrived to pick me up, so we could make the long drive back north, he felt the need to talk for a bit first.  To explain his distance, and the stress that has been heavily affecting him.  How everything is digging lately, and it's taking work not to snap.  He also made sure to say that he had a hangry, in case anything came out the wrong way.

I assured him that so long as we were in an ok place, I had no problems, and just wanted to help him in whatever way I could.

He laughed at how I was so simply comfortable with it, and honestly, so long as I see that he still cares, and is trying to be present, I'm confident we'll get past it.

Anyway, after a long trip north (with stops for coffee and fried chicken, because sometimes he really is a stereotypical black man), we got in and relaxed a bit.

Oh, and sex.  A lot of sex.  So much sex in the first night that I apparently slept through some of it.

Since the first night though, we've kind of just been decompressing with each other, while I try to take care of the apartment, because I think it'll help him feel a lot better if he has a clean place, and less to worry about.

We had planned on getting through sewing, and discussing Pennsic, and a ton of other things, and in the first half of the week, there was none of it.

Oh well.  With a full week, there's no excuse not to be able to snuggle up plenty, and get shit done.

Thursday, June 23, 2016


I'm sitting in homeroom.  It's early in the morning, and I'm digging out my drawing stuff from my backpack while sitting on my desk, getting ready to draw through geometry class and the review for the final.  As I shuffle through, I'm talking to my friend Nano.  Talking about my going to the larp that month.

He tells me that if I see a person playing a character named "Kage", to challenge him and kick his ass.  That he had beaten Nano, and I had to get back at him.  I laugh, and agree rather sarcastically.  Out of our little group, I'm probably the best fighter, but I don't really care about getting back at anyone, and it isn't something my character would do.

I'm sitting on a picnic table, late at night, with only the light on the porch of a building to go by.  There with me are two guys, one who is a couple years older than me, and wound up being a total skeezball, and one older than that, who found himself very pretty, and later admitted to being interested, but was harmless.  We're making small talk, and I'm chiming in and building some sort of whatever in the hours when almost everyone is asleep.

Someone else walks up.  He's tall.  Really tall.  He starts BSing with us, and the game talk turns into just fun random conversation.  Then it turns into dead baby jokes.  Then we get back to game talk, and around again.  Eventually while telling a story, he mentions someone addressing him, and states his name as "Kage".

Well shit.  This guy that I've been laughing with well into the early hours is who Nano wants me to fight.  Oh well, he can be disappointed.  We continue talking.  At one point he stops, and flat out says I'm pretty bad ass.  Because I'm a kid, and am even more oblivious than I am now, I look over it completely.  We may have talked a little more that weekend, but I don't really remember it.

I don't remember because it was twelve years ago this month.  Twelve long years, of support, and strength, and trust, and affection, and panic, and everything in between.  Twelve years ago that I met Kitty, and never once in that night did I think that he'd become one of the best people to ever have in my life, or that over a decade later, he'd be someone I'd still have such strong feelings for.

Today is his birthday, and he's now 34, the old man.  He's off at Fusion, so I can't spend the time with him, which I would have loved to do.  Next week he leaves for Florida, and then I have no idea when I'll see him.  We're trying to talk more though, and have better contact and time.  We started living only an hour apart from each other, and have lasted a long time with him being all over the country.  This move isn't going to stop us at this point.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Dry Spell

With Lux and Kitty both being busy, I really haven't had much time with them.  I haven't seen either one of them in months, and only now have been managing to find time to talk to Kitty on the phone because he's at home getting things finished up for the move.  However, they've both been so busy during the day that I'm barely able to talk to them.

It definitely has an impact on me.  I'm trying to be supportive and helpful, and stay present and consistent.  While that might not be helping them much, I think it does help, and sometimes I get time where they are responsive in return.

However, the lack of time with them, even if things are relatively calm here right now makes me feel like I need some sort of presence.  These lengths of time away make me want simple affection even more than I want the sex, and more than anything, I crave just having time with them.  Those silly and simple moments that don't really involve anything other than time together.

It always surprises me how much this lack of presence affects me.  How just not having simple contact drags me down, and makes me feel anxious.

The only thing I'm really hoping for in the coming week is to have those little moments, and recharge sort of with affection and care.  With helping him, and being present and rebuilding the fantastic things we have.

Thursday, June 16, 2016


It's the time of year when Lux gets sick, and this spring is no different.  We missed out of war camp because he wasn't feeling well, and neither one of us wanted him to risk anything by pushing himself over the weekend.  He needed to take care of him.

And, while I wanted to go, I mostly just wanted time with him.  Time to snuggle up and decompress.  Time to be affectionate, and show care.  Time to just enjoy him.  And, time to discuss a lot of things.

I had been trying to get a lot of answers out of him lately on things.  And the responses and figuring out just hasn't been there.  I was banking on having that time together to finally get answers, because I was just getting more and more frustrated with feeling like I was being dismissed.

However, I told him how I felt, and he told me we'd finally talk.  And we did.  A short discussion which took care of half of what we needed.  I'll be heading up and spending all of next week with him, where we'll have plenty of time with each other, and be able to relax, and figure everything out.

I'm feeling so much better, even if this does change a bunch.

It all comes together in the end.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Not so Unnecessary

I read an article the other day that said the women no longer need to have periods because of all the advances in birth control.  That they serve no purpose, and that are completely unnecessary now.

After I had the beast, I was pretty hardcore into my research on birth control.  I looked up every option out there for what I thought was best for me.  I decided on the paraguard IUD, for many reasons, the main one of which was because I wanted to continue to have my period.  I wanted that monthly reminder that I wasn't pregnant, and to be able to more carefully keep track of my cycle and my body.

My cousin, years ago, decided to just skip her placebo week on the pill.  She hopped from new pack to new pack, and stayed on those pills for a few years.  Eventually, she went off of them, because she was having a small health issue and the doctor recommended it.  It's been almost a decade since then, and she's never had a period.  Her reproductive system shut down, and now she has to be examined regularly to be sure everything is working correctly.

The body needs that hormonal cycle on some level.  To clean the organs, and keep everything functioning.  Sure, for many of us it's a necessary evil that we despise every month, but I'll continue doing my dance of no more babies every time it shows up.

Thursday, June 09, 2016


Now that summer is about here, it means clusterfuck mode is starting.

This weekend, Lux is visiting and we're off to an SCA event for the day.  I'm looking forward to watching him fight, and running around causing a bunch of trouble.  We're also supposed to discuss everything for Pennsic, and finally get to planning.  It should be some much needed fun time together.

After that, it's Kitty's birthday before he finally moves, and that has me feeling incredibly bummed that I'm not getting to see him for it.  During that time, the beast will be with the gnome, so I'll be distracting myself with plenty of Pennsic prep. 

Then, the week before mine and Lux's birthdays, the beast is back with the gnome, and I'm hoping to get up to spend the time with Lux, because I miss being up there and spending time snuggled up with him.

And then, birthdays.  Which, even though I want to do something, there's still a part of my mind that makes me want to run from the idea of even acknowledging my birthday.

The week after that, my brother visits for the first time in a year.  I'm really excited to see him again.

Then, Pennsic!

And then, I collapse.

Sunday, June 05, 2016

A Coin

The other day Lux was working from home, and when he told me, I said I wished I had been there to distract him all day.  To be there to pester him then after a while start giving him a blowjob, and being able to get away with it.  It's a normal sort of comment for me to make, and while I generally let him work when he needs to, it's not something that is out of character if I'm feeling super bratty.

He responds by saying that he knows he has no real way to threaten me anyway, except with ignoring me, which isn't actually a healthy response in any way.  We continued to discuss it for a little while.

It made me think about it from a lot of different views.  Mostly ones that were actually helpful, but some that are less fun.

On one hand, Lux has had a lot of problems with power exchange after his previous partners.  He claims he pushed too hard with one, and was too absent subsequently with another.  Yet here I am, just as consistent as ever, and happily handing over control because of who he is and how much I trust him rather than threats and punishments.  It's steadying for him, and helps me through a lot as well, and makes him feel way more proud because he knows he earned everything without having to consider any play or force into the equation.

However, it means he can't have those times of enforcing it.  Times when he just wants to actively and forcibly take control to where I have no choice but to hand it over. 

And he agreed when I pointed this out.  That it both makes him feel better as a domlyperson, but less apt to want to act upon it.  And how it isn't really a bad thing, but just something that has come upon who we are.

After this long, we're still figuring out things about our dynamic, and deciding if we need to work on them.  We however, stay consistent, and present, and as caring as ever, which is most important.

Friday, June 03, 2016


Everyone was all over the place last weekend.  With the holiday, so many things were banking on the extra time to throw events.

I however, live on the shore, and frequently avoid leaving the house over Memorial Day weekend because it's so insane here.

Weeks ago, I decided to have a bonfire, and invited a ton of people.  One of which was a friend of mine and Lux's which was apparently having his birthday.  I offered to make him a cake, and he jumped on the opportunity.

Lux however decided to take his new gear for a spin, going to a big SCA event to hit people.  I would have planned to go, but I had the beast for part of the weekend, which makes things like that difficult.  Which means even longer without a cute boy to snuggle.  Which sucks, but it saved him a lot of driving, and that's more important for him.  Give him more time to have fun out.

Kitty was off to PDF, with it being his last burn before the move.  The day he left to head out, the movers were there packing up the boxes to bring them down to Florida.  I'm sad because I honestly don't know when I'll see him again.  This trip should do him good though.

It's so strange when we're all off doing different things.  Especially when we'd all like to share those things.  I still feel kind of lonely when they're on adventures, and I'm missing them.  That part of being social and doing cool things that just makes me want snuggles throughout.

The bonfire was fun, and we burnt through a lot of wood, and had a good time, but having some cute boys there to snuggle would have been preferred.  Maybe soon.