Thursday, December 29, 2016

Picked Up

This year has been... weird.

I learned that I can balance multiple partners in person, and not just stare at them confused about which one to snuggle.

I learned that metamours, and building connections with them can be awesome.

Headstands became so close to my reach I can smell it.

I experienced polydrop for the first time, and it sucks.

I attended a partner's wedding, and used that time to dig into him in ways only I can.

I was present.

I learned as much as I could.

Over just a couple weeks, I put together a coloring book to share with friends.

For the first time, I wore rope, and got suspended.

I built new friendships.

I ended some toxic ones.

The karma dance was performed.

I spoke up.

I started explaining to my daughter about negative behavior, manipulation, and abuse so she will always be able to recognize it.

I discovered how much my body and mind is affected by my diet and exercise, even after only a couple days.

This year has been a lot of good and bad, but it's almost over, and that means it's time to look toward all the new things we can accomplish.

Sunday, December 25, 2016


A little over a month ago, Kitty had a friend over, who had asked for help with some serious stuff.  We talked about it, and discussed about how she would likely start attaching herself to him, and that he needed to be aware of that.

Well, gave it a couple weeks, and she wants to be a serious partner of his.  He's saying that she's making legitimate progress on making herself a better person, and someone who he would consider dating, but mostly just says she's cute.  Sometimes, old habits die hard.

However, he already has three partners, and still has trouble balancing that many.  He knows this, and often talks to me about how badly he feels for not being able to give proper time to everyone.  Of course, he barely thinks about that when considering taking on another partner though.

And it makes me think about how after a while of having two partners, that I'm still completely poly-saturated.  I can't imagine taking on another partner.  Both because I doubt there's another boy around that makes me as happy as they do, or that would treat me as well, and because if a time like now were to occur again, I don't know if I could spread care and presence properly amongst any more people.

I also joke that cute boys are traps.  Twice now I've gotten close to someone, and had all the feels and all, and then had to deal with them moving away.  If that ever happens with another boy, I give up.  I'm well beyond normal expectations of loyalty (which Kitty reminds me of often) but if another cute boy develops an amazing thing with me, and then moves hours away, I'm not balancing more than two long distance things.  Not doin' it.  These two are enough of that.

There are some people who may want to have a dozen serious partners, and figure out how to balance them all happily, and feel content with it.  It's one situation, and there's nothing wrong with saying that you're feeling happy and like you have enough.  Right now, and probably for a very long time, these two are enough for me.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

All the things

Along with all the normal holiday stress, this year also brings about the cookiepocalypse, and making a ton of gifts for people.

This year the cookiepocalypse happens to be a little smaller than normal.  I was initially told to barely make any, and when I pointed out how little it would be, I then said I would be making more, and it was understood.  The house is full of a ton of cookies, but unfortunately, there's been very little healthy stuff in the house as well, which has been turning my mood to garbage.

I have also put together a whole box of stuff for Kitty, and the house down there.  I need to remember to mail it, and at this point it likely won't make it for Christmas, but it will make it there eventually.  I think it's all stuff they will enjoy, and can't wait for them to see everything.

I've made some super cool stuff for Lux, and it's been really hard to keep it a secret.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him over the holidays, and getting to finally give it to him.

Speaking of which, to holidays are really weird this year.  I'm spending Christmas Eve talking with Kitty, because we'll both be home alone.  I'm also not headed north with Lux, because he's spending the week with his family, though I did ask for time to just hang out together.

There's also been some stuff that I made for the beast.  She was asking for a plushie from a short anime I found, so I made up how to crochet one as I went along.  I think she's going to love it.  I also made her a new scarf because the gnome always loses the old one I made her, and I made a large drawing of the super cutest pokemon possible, after she asked for something to hang up in her room.

This year is super weird, but it's going.  Honestly though, I already have time planned to spend with people I care about, and that actually give a shit about me, and that's all I ever ask for, because I know better than to want anything else.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Without Walls

I saw Lux before he went back home last week.  He has been dealing with serious issues with his parents, and finally came by to see me while taking care of things.

And where he had said he planned for us to go to brunch, he instead dropped the emotional bomb of everything going on.  And I just listened, curling up next to him while he dumped it all out.  Normally, Lux focuses so hard to keep everything at a baseline.  To act like he's unphased by things, and just able to move and flow with things.  This time, he let down those walls, and just spewed.

It was one of those times when it reminds me there are still people who think men, and domly folk can't feel stress.  They need to be a rock through everything.  Those absolutely unrealistic expectations that prove they've never had a partner through any sort of serious life event.  This didn't make Lux weak, or any less of what he is.  If anything, it showed the trust and connection we have.

And of course, he apologized afterward, as if he was at fault for spewing emotion like that.  I assured him that I had no problem with it, and that he had nothing to apologize for.  That if this is what he needs for a while, then it's how we spend time together, and I'm fully prepared for that.

It's going to be a long time before he's ok again, and I'm here for whatever he needs during that time, and well beyond then.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A Stronger Net

I've mentioned how Pyre and Lux are going through a lot of stuff right now.  There's chaos on all sides of my polycule, and it's creating a lot of stress.

Kitty has been using what time he can to help with Pyre, and I've been trying to give him time and presence through it to process things.  Also discussing my view on the situation as a whole.  He's been helping Pyre, because they're living together, and she's his partner.

I've also been talking a lot with Pyre through everything.  Even though she doesn't effect the stability or health of my relationships, she's still important to one of my important people, and someone I know would be a good friend regardless of us having a mutual partner.  

Side notes: When Thrax was trying to win over Bit, I didn't approve of her at all.  She had no ambition, no respect, and barely took care of herself.  If Thrax wasn't trying to get into her pants, I never would have given her the time of day, and Thrax was constantly using his shitty excuse for power exchange to force me to do for her.

However, I outwardly offered in this, and that's the difference.  We had a lunch date the other day, talking about things going on, and trying to give input and perspective.  We both agreed at the same time, that it was fun, and needs to happen more.

We giggled about this, because it means I'll probably have Hangouts dates with her as often as I do my own partner.

Speaking of that, I was catching Kitty up about everything with Lux while we were talking.  He immediately said that while he wasn't sure he was on that list of trusted people, he would be a third party to talk to if necessary.

The last couple weeks make me really happy that I have this healthy of a polycule.  It has it's issues, and it isn't perfect, but it is made of strong, supportive pillars that all want to build upon each other.  Every single one of us has our own brainbugs, but together, I think we're doing this poly thing pretty damn well.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Blaming Brainbugs

Everyone is entitled to bad days.  The world isn't all sunshine, and so we don't all need to be happy and sparkly every day.  In fact, that is part of what makes life and the world beautiful, is all the complex emotions and things that occur every day.

And sometimes, on those really bad days we might be a bit of an ass.  Someone tries to help at just the wrong moment, and winds up being snapped at, taking the brunt of the stress from the day.  It's something that happens, and being able to see that this is what happened is important as well, so both parties can recognize it, talk as necessary, and move on.

However, mental illness doesn't give an excuse for that to happen more often.  It doesn't create much excuse for it at all.  Unfortunately, a lot of people use mental illness as an excuse for poor behavior.  That it allows people to turn toxic, and then sweeps that under the rug because they have something to throw it at.

But toxic behavior is never acceptable, no matter what is going on in someone's life.

Having two partners who go through anxiety, and have gone through, or are going through depressive spells, I can clearly say they've never treated me in any form of abusive or toxic manner.  Sure, on bad days they'd be cranky, and I'd need to try and be a little more careful talking to them, but not out of fear of being attacked, but rather out of wanting to try and make them more comfortable.

And that's the difference.

If I have to say "It's ok that they attacked me, they have (whatever), and I need to avoid something to not be attacked again." it's a lot different from "They're having a bad day.  Let's keep things simple, and I will be helpful and supportive where I can so that tomorrow is better."

And the more you let someone act that way, the more they'll do it, because they can.  Because they have some amount of control, and that they either want to make someone feel worse to feel like they do, or because they don't want think to the point of figuring out how their actions will affect people, and will never be made to change and consider the people around them.

Toxic behavior is always toxic.  Whether it's meant or not, and regardless of what else is going on through the person's brain.  And it's part of our job to take care of ourselves and recognize that.

Thursday, December 08, 2016


I want to talk a little about mental illness.

Which, I don't like calling it that.  It makes it sound like something similar to a cold.  Like you can just take something and everything goes away, and you feel fine, and go about the world like normal.  Like someone can visit, and tuck you in and bring you tea and soup and the next day you wake up feeling like you're back in fighting shape.

And, it's not like that.  Things like depression, or anxiety or a slew of other things are something that sticks around for a long time.  Even if you manage to overhaul your life and feel better, you're still susceptible to it.  If the personal case is enough to feel that meds are necessary, they often lessen the symptoms, but don't completely alleviate them, and in most cases, isn't something that after taking them long enough you no longer need.

While talking to Lux after Thanksgiving, he said he often feels like people go away when they realize that he doesn't want people to try and fix him.  I told him that I understood, and that while I want to help, that's me trying to be supportive and care.  He assured me that I was not included in that group, but rather that instead of support, they saw him as a project to fix.

In my head, I screamed in rage.  Because while Lux does require some care and attention from partners and friends, he just like many others, doesn't need to be fixed.

There's nothing there to fix, because he isn't broken.

People aren't projects.  And the majority of the time, people aren't broken.  It's not like a model car that might have a piece snapped.  People are themselves, and whatever is in their brain is just an aspect of them.  It's important to try and grow and improve as people, and it can be useful to have friends and loved ones around for support  and encouragement through that, but it doesn't make them broken.

I know a lot of people who almost consciously seek people out with mental illness to try and turn them into projects for their own satisfaction.  Like if they can have their mental state improved it is something they are responsible for, and take the credit of doing, rather than seeing the person as a person, liking them for who they are, and encouraging them to simply be their best self so they can enjoy more of life.

Brains are complex things, and so are people.  Mental illness is one more layer to everything.

Sunday, December 04, 2016


The last week has been rather weird.  Sure, the weekend was good, but this week overall has just been a lot of stuff coming from everywhere.

Apparently things exploded down south with Kitty, and now a lot of things are very shaky.  I've spent a lot of the week trying to talk to Pyre and Kitty about everything going on, and give my view on it all.  Unfortunately, it either has a lot of potential for harm, or people to be very upset for a good while.  It has me feeling rather protective of many people, and with them being far away, makes it worse.

Lux is having some family issues, which has him incredibly stressed, and makes me very concerned for his family as well as for him.  He has a lot of anxiety over it, and I'm trying to help him stay calm and help where I can.

Many things are going on, and not for the better.  A ton of things are in the air right now, and many others are exploding.

While I may be trying to deal with things in my own house, it's times like this when being as present as possible can be the most important thing.

Thursday, December 01, 2016

Getting Comfy

While Lux was here for the holiday, we had initially made plans to go see a movie together, and hang out and talk and try to relax together.  A couple days before I looked up movie times and we made up a plan to spend Saturday together.

We had also been talking about wanting to play more, and get back into things, and interest with all the stuff.  About having more comfort getting back into play, and how to have the little kick in the ass so that we do actually play, and not just have sex and snuggle, and more sex and video games.

Well, Lux got to my place late on Saturday, and said that we should go get food.  On the way, he made a point of showing off his new toy bag (mostly because of some new things he got for himself), and mentioning all the other things in there.  We talked about some serious things, and some fun things, and found somewhere to eat near the theatre.

During dinner we talked about some more serious stuff, and asked about the time once, and shrugged when I said it was getting close to the movie time.  He kept bringing up wanting to get comfortable playing again, and with kink in general, and once we were done eating he looked at me and just asked if I wanted to get beaten up.

Well fuck yes I do!

So we went out, and had a lot of sex, and I am covered in lots of dark pretty bruises.  We talked about how he didn't play as hard as he has in the past, and how a lot of that is him getting back into practice with things.  About him becoming comfortable with him, and what he wants out of play, and how that doesn't make him any worse than anyone else.

It was a lot of fun, and now I'm super happy to spend that time with him, and can't wait for more.  I feel like he really is making a lot of steps to get back to being happy with himself lately, and I'm so proud of seeing him doing this.

Afterward, we got ice cream an talked about playing games together.

Sometimes, you just need the simple things to stay happy.