Sunday, January 29, 2017

A Ladder

In a way to continue my focus on a more positive mindspace, I think about the ways my mind works.  The things that give me better focus, and bring me peace.

Obviously, I've talked about how service is how I show affection.  Getting to do things to help and take care of friends and loved ones gives me a sense of satisfaction in showing how I care.  Even when people are overly stressed, if I can take on some of it, or do things to help, it actually helps me manage the stress in my own life, and makes me feel happier, and more like me.

Bringing people up, bringing them affirmation, and being a source of help probably brings me more positivity and peace than most other things in life, and I think I need to figure out how to utilize that.

I know that I have a lot of experience with a lot of toxic and shitty behaviors.  I know that when I am not constantly being pushed down that I am a force of nature, and someone that many people are intimidated by.  I know that I am someone who is unlike anyone else, and never want to be.

I need to figure out how to be heard, and maybe inspire more people in the process, and then pull further inspiration for myself.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Accurate Reflection

One of the things I'm determined to manage this year is having a better sense of body image.  To do whatever I can to have a more realistic and loving view of my body and who I see in the mirror.

My dysmorphia has been doing a hell of a job on my mental state lately, and I am absolutely not going to stand for it.  I shouldn't hate the way I look, or my body at all this much.  It's not healthy, and it's impacting on my life at times.

If I didn't mention it recently, I've finally managed to do a headstand for the first time in my life!  I've been practicing it as a part of my workout almost every day, and it's making my shoulders and upper arms noticeably stronger.  I am finding issues with balance rather rather than strength, and so I know I'll find progress just with continuing practice.  I'm also enjoying seeing the progress I make overall with time.

I've gone back to short hair, and that will be getting fixed soon after the clusterfuck of the last cut.  It has me feeling more like me again, and I've decided to play with more colors as well.  Less routine, and more dynamic.

I'm trying to keep myself from just throwing on clothes.  I'm wearing what makes me feel like me.  No more shapeless schlubby stuff that makes me feel like a blob.

I know I am strong.  I know I am a force of nature, and someone absolutely unique.  I know there is beauty inside me, that other people see.  Time for me to find that, and see it myself.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Throwing on Blinders

Recently Fetlife went through and made a ton of words forbidden.  Made groups with vast sources of information invisible, and removed them from searches.  Some of the list includes things that we can pretty much all agree were not things to discuss on the site itself, and happen to be illegal in every sense.

A lot of them though, were my major kinks.  I looked through that list and realized that all that was left of my interests were some very popular surface things, and it gave me a reminder of how many things I enjoy are considered taboo and edgeplay.

And then I think about how often people acknowledge what they do as edgeplay.  That there is such a large chance for error if someone isn't educated or doesn't keep their focus.  To be honest though, that applies to so much of kink.

If Kitty gets complacent with fire, he could give someone serious burns that require hospitalization and skin grafts.  If he gets greedy with hypnosis, he can completely reset someone's mind, which in some cases can remove their ability to give consent.  If he plays with rope and doesn't double check placement on everything, nerve damage can permanently fuck up a limb, or worse.

If other people are hit with the force I enjoy, they could have serious damage done, or be knocked out.  If I grab the wrong knife of mine, I have a sharp edge to someone's throat instead of a round one, and have to hope they don't twitch.  Should I feel too lazy to grab a sterile scalpel blade, I'm risking infection when I cut into someone's body.  If I rush needles, I could kill feeling in part of my bottom's body.  Even verbally, if I touch the wrong button on a mindfuck, that's a serious mind altering trigger that could cause long term damage.

So much of what I do, as well as my partners, and my friends has the potential for very real damage and problems.  What's needed to make sure this doesn't happen is education, and an awareness so as to not become complacent.  Trying to put on blinders to this and covering up the information and resources on any subjects creates a higher chance for error, and I'm not looking forward to seeing what comes of that in the nearby future.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

A belated birthday

Eight years ago today there was snow on the ground, and more falling.  It was cold, but quiet and beautiful.  I remember sitting in the car, sore, feeling awkward, and still not like my body was right.  I was on the way home with the beast, less than 48 hours old, and still scrunched up in her green pajamas that didn't even fit yet.

The previous days had been insane.  My water broke in the middle of cake for my brother's birthday.  I found out when I went to use the bathroom, and because I wasn't sure, I went to check without telling anyone.  Obviously, because of this everyone panicked, and I was off to the hospital.

I didn't know it then, but I was apparently feeling contractions of labor.  Everyone swore that I wouldn't be able to function through them, but they just felt like irritating cramps.  Apparently, that's what early labor feels like.

At the hospital, the nurses are weird.  However, one of the doctors I like is on duty, and that makes it a bit more pleasant.  My family gets yelled for there being too many people in the room with me, and I have to deal with several of the most awkward feeling things that I've ever experienced.

When someone's water breaks, you get 24 hours until a forced c-section has to happen.  The beast decides she is going to take her time, and after twenty hours I get hooked up to antibiotics, after listening to the doctor yell at the nurses time and again that I'm allergic to what they grabbed.  An hour later I'm finally told that I have dilated enough for an epidural.  A woman is screaming at the top of her lungs while I'm having the catheter for it put in.  The anesthesiologist makes jokes about her.

No one tells me I can't use the bathroom while my entire bottom half is a warm fuzzy noodle.  I wind up being catheterized.  My epidural wears out once, and they do a half refill.  It wears out again as I go through transition.  I feel like I am dying, as all the muscles in my body start contracting and trying to push the beast from my person.  I ask why people would ever want to go through this more than once.  We are just barely short of 24 hours from my starting labor.  The nurses tell me I'm almost crowning.

A giant table is wheeled in full of tools, and the doctor still isn't in the room.    After two pushes I'm asked if I want to see the crowning.  I tell her no, and that I just want to be done with this.  After two more pushes, the weirdest thing I think I will ever feel happen to my vagina occurs, and the beast is flopped onto my chest.  She looks just like me.  Pushing only takes 18 minutes after all that waiting.  She poops on the nurses, and manages to roll herself over in the bassinet, which is apparently well beyond what newborns should even be able to do accidentally.  I am starving after not eating in a full day, and send the gnome for food.  The shower the following morning is the best feeling shower I have ever taken.

Not feeling something kicking at my ribs feels weird.  The beast whines if she is left laying down for too long, not because she is hungry or dirty, but just wants to lay in my lap, or on my chest.  The old man meets his only grandchild and officially becomes a grandfather on his birthday.  A ton of people are in and out visiting, and the gnome spends most of the day off drinking with friends.  His friends who show up wind up hitting on me, and it's awkward.  My family brings way more food than I could ever need.

And so, eight years ago today, I brought her home.  I enjoyed seeing the snow fall, and sleeping in my own bed after two days in a hospital.  My sister takes the day off of work to spend as much time with the beast as possible, and winds up spending most of the afternoon snuggling with her while I nap.

Eight years later, and she still takes over birthdays, and demands snuggles all the time.  Now she's just able to be more adamant about it.

Sunday, January 15, 2017


Because I want to try to focus on the positive more, I feel like the most important thing is to remind yourself to find joy in the smaller things, and use that to bring light to the shitty situations, instead of only surrounding yourself with negative.  And so, I feel like thinking about all the little things that make me super happy.

  • a good cup of coffee
  • a cigar after a long productive day
  • successfully doing something new for the first time
  • seeing a finished project
  • long car rides in spring
  • fresh fruit
  • smelling something cooking in the oven
  • a piece of really good dark chocolate
  • snuggling up and watching someone play video games
  • sitting down with a puzzle
  • having winding conversations that wind up being silly
  • discussing science and logic
  • going on an adventure
  • sitting in front of a fire
  • running around with friends
  • dancing around to fast music
  • listening to fun music and singing far too loudly
  • walking through old books stores
  • making food for, and taking care of loved ones
  • bringing happiness to others
  • a scorchingly hot shower in the afternoon
There's a lot of things that bring me happiness despite all the negative going on.  So long as I bring those things to the forefront, this year will be full of far more joy than I have felt.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

My Kink

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what draws me to most kink. I very seldom get the chance to enjoy that floating rush with anyone, and don't ever expect it to happen.  I don't find zen in almost any play, or get a meditative feeling.  And yet, I want to do these things, and enjoy them.

Lux and I recently have been talking a lot about how our tastes in video games differ.  He likes vast open world games, without a lot of demand, and the ability to just run around and zone out and do whatever.  I however, really enjoy very mentally stimulating games, and puzzles, and things that force me to think and learn.  I enjoy the intellectual and psychological challenge in video games.

And, I think that's exactly it.  I enjoy rope because I don't know exactly what's coming next, and because there is always another step further.  I'm going to be challenged in rope, and need to focus my way through the ties, holding on in some places, and relaxing in others.  When I'm being beaten I need to pay attention to that balance between good pain and possible problems, and know where that line is.

I didn't see much appeal to the contact fire Kitty and I did outside of getting time to play with him.  It was so passive on my end, that I didn't really need to focus, and found myself unable to relax.  When I talked to Lux about it, he pointed out that I need to be an active person in whatever I'm doing (which is sometimes more fun than others), and that without pushing myself and being active and present, I find myself less interested.  Like with how often I can't just sit and watch things.  I need something on for noise, or to glance at once in a while, and do other things during it.  Multiple forms of stimulation, which actively doing something that uses my brain.

I think, as a bottom, my biggest kink really is feeling a challenge.

On the other hand, Kitty is convinced that my kink as a top is manipulation for fun.  Getting people to do things that might get them in trouble for the sake of entertainment.  And, y'know, he might be right.  Even as a sadist, I find myself manipulating a bottom through different forms of pain until I get the exact reaction I want.  On the rare chance that I do know a bottom long enough that we get to more mental sadism, I absolutely try to manipulate what brainbugs I know are safe for them to get them squirming.

Neither one of these things needs to be sexual, which explains why I often play in way that don't also involve sex, but also give reason to why I need to know the other person involved, and a level of trust needs to be there.

My kinks aren't quite normal, but they definitely make sense for me, and the people I play with tend to enjoy them.

Sunday, January 08, 2017


I finally got to the post office last week to send off the box of things for Kitty and everyone in the house down in Florida.  After I very impatiently waited for the two days it took to get there, I got to enjoy all the happy messages from all of them, snuggling their new things, and flailing with them, and having them oogle everything.  I was so happy that everyone found joy in the little things I made, and that it brought peace and happiness to house that has had a lot of anxiety all around lately.

Afterward, I was talking with Kitty in the moments before he wound up falling asleep on the couch.  I reminded him to enjoy the happiness of the house today, and use it as time to relax and reset.  Apparently, his anxiety was so high, he hadn't even thought of that, and thanked me for the reminder.  I joked that it was part of my job, and something I had signed on for a long time ago.  That he had dealt with so much of my shit long ago that he didn't have to worry about things not being quite equal now.  That I would do these things regardless of him "paying me back" for being present, but still reminding him that I wouldn't be nearly as present if he wasn't being a good partner.

He still didn't feel great about all of it.  I told him that I'm not going to sit around saying that things will be good when a condition is met, because there will always be something new to wait for, and wanting some perfect situation.  That now it's my turn to be present, and help and find happiness in the little things.

He asked what he did to deserve me being so awesome.  And moments like that are all it takes.  People recognizing that I'm worth something, and saying it, when they actually take the time to know me.  I don't need a lot outside of basic presence and respect.  So long as I have that, I'll do everything I can to help and take care of the people in my life, and happily do so.

That's the job I take on, and I'm very happy to do it.

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Another Goal

So, I notice that I post a lot of negative on here.

I need to stop focusing and overthinking on that, and finding more sources of positivity to try and cultivate something better.

As such, I will try to post less about negative things going on in this blog from here on out.  I will still keep things relevant and current to my life, but without so many things that hone in on the bad, and instead, try to talk more about the good.

I've even posted here before about how people talk too much about the negative online, and not enough about the things that make them happy.  Time to try and start turning that around.

Sunday, January 01, 2017

A Fresh Look

This year may be ending on a sour note, but more on that later.  In the meantime, I want to try and push more positivity by looking at everything I want the new year to bring.

In the next year I want to:

Dance somewhere new
Finally get into a scorpion pose
Spend way more time on an endorphin high
Try something new
Play around with a new coloring book
Be around friends and partners more
Go on adventures
Continue growing beyond all the shit in my life
Try to be as healthy and supportive as possible
Become happy with my body

That's a hell of a list.  Let's see if I manage.