Most mornings, in those few minutes between my eyes opening and braving the world outside my blankets, I will spend that time grabbing my phone. I tell Lux good morning, and then check Twitter the one time that I will scroll through for the day. And one morning, I found a post that woke me up better than any coffee.
It was talking about how people who are abusive typically don't benefit from therapy. That if anything, it just gives them tools to try and learn to say the right things to justify their behavior, and behave worse.
As soon as I read it, and started poking through the comments, I was reminded of my last visit with Kitty. How he would try and justify all of his actions as being healthy and trying to help people, when they made no sense, or weren't consented to.
Things like my bringing the switch, and both he and Pyre wanting to try the ring fit. When they finally got to it the last day, he tried to blame me for his not getting to it, because he "never knew when I was going to use it, and he wasn't going to ask, because of healthy boundaries". Not that I was trying to work out while he was working so that I wasn't using the small bit of time we could have together, and didn't want to impede on that sliver of time by asking when he was ready to try it. I put the ball in his court, to find a half hour to test it, to respect his boundaries, and he dumped it on me.
Likewise, he tried to claim that his deciding what he needed to do to "fix" me, after explaining that abuse through my entirely life has made it difficult for me to do some things by triggering me, and constantly putting me on the spot in ways that I told him made me uncomfortable was something that he did just to make me better. That it would be the move of an asshole to do it differently, rather than asking me what best would help me adjust, or work on it myself.
He told me that triggering me was meant to help me, rather than asking what the best response would be to help my mind relax and function.
And reading that post, it all made sense. He doesn't plan on doing things to grow. He just wants to collect the words to justify worse behavior right now, and that's something that I can't deal with. I can't enable those behaviors, and I can't allow them to happen to me.
Because healthy boundaries are about doing the things to keep me functioning.
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