Thursday, July 30, 2015


Tomorrow, I get the final things collected, and Lux comes down for us to go on the longest adventure we've ever gone on together. 

We're going to Pennsic!

It'll be my first time, and I've done a lot to get us both ready for it.

I've sewn half a week's worth of period clothing for myself (the other half of the week will be in dance gear).  I've gone through all the camping stuff we have to try and make sure we have what we need.  I've made furniture, fixed other pieces, and tried to do as much as I can to make sure we have a comfortable time, in a large pavillion, for a full week.

I've also tried to do as much as I can to have all the food we'll need prepped and pre-frozen, able to keep itself cold in the cooler for us, so we have the option to eat without pants.  Last year, Lux said he ate out for almost every meal.  I'd rather not have to do that, for several reasons.  It's way cheaper for me to cook, the food is probably better, and then we don't have to really stop being snuggled, or deal with people if we don't want to.  I anticipate that if we're meandering every so often we might grab something out, but the bulk of our food is ready, and just needs to be heated up, or small work done.

Honestly, I enjoy doing things like this, and I want to put together a wonderful camp for us.  I can't wait to go, and hope I can make a home for us for a week that he feels comfortable in.  I know that I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend this week with, and will have an amazing time.

I have a ton of things I'm hoping to do.  About six or so hours of dance classes, three hours of performances to see, three days of waterbearing, and immeasurable amounts of dancing at parties while keeping Lux from being white girl wasted.  I know I probably won't get to everything I want to do, but it'll be amazing no matter what.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Evolution of Brattiness

I've got a talent for sarcasm.  If you talk to me with any regularity, you might notice that I have my own jokes, as well as pride in my own original wit.  When people rely on puns, or referencing/ stealing lines from media to be funny, it bothers me after a rather short amount of time. 

And, along with that wit, comes the sort of personality that makes me want to crack more jokes and silliness the more I get to know people.  See, with new folks, or those I don't take too kindly to, I tend to be really quiet.  I'm not sure what sorts of jokes I can make, and have no desire to really converse with them until I either feel them out, or am forced to deal with them.

So, one of the best ways for me to tell someone how I feel about them is to poke fun.  Almost like the middle schoolers who poked and prodded because they didn't know how to express how they felt.  I know when to reel it in, but most especially when in private, during those calm times, I will make cracks, just to get a rise out of the person I'm with, and the more often, and heavier digs the closer I get.  I'll test patience, find the holes in their words, for no reason other than a giggle. 

And, it's not that I'm looking for attention or anything.  There's no malice, quite the opposite in fact.  It's more or less how I say "Hey, you're awesome, and I like you a lot.  I wanna keep you around for a while."

Sure, it's fun to have that brattiness responded to, whether with returned poking, or an understanding sternness.  So long as they know where it's coming from though, it makes me happy.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Do I get a present?

So, while my last entry may have happened on Lux's birthday, today is mine!

Although to be honest, I tend to try not to acknowledge it.  Due to the amount of toxicity in my life, it's either been ignored, used against me, or just made into something that everyone involved should have known that I would hate.  I often say that my birthday is cursed, due to the sheer rarity of me even having a remotely decent day, no matter what the plans are.

In fact, one of the only times I can remember having a really happy birthday was my 17th, which I spent with Kitty and his ex, and we just hung out, and bbqed in their back yard.

It doesn't take a lot to make me happy.  More often than not, I don't want gifts, and if I do, it's something simple that I need.  Last year I asked for new sheets (which I like the super cheap t-shirt jersey cotton sheets). 

However, this year I've told everyone that I'm putting off my birthday for a week.  Why?  Because one week from now, I'll be going to my very first Pennsic.  I'll be spending a week with Lux, camping with friends, partying, learning a ton of new dance stuff, and helping a bunch of fighters.  It'll be an amazing experience, and I absolutely can't wait for it.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Two in

Today, is Lux's birthday.  He's turning thirty, cause he's an old man.  I intend to make as many jokes as possible over hitting a new decade in his life, and making him feel old.

However, this makes me think about how interesting, and odd it is that we became friends when we did. 

I had just broken up with Thrax, and ended a social media hiatus.  I commented on a couple small things on Fet, to which he sent me a message, saying how we had so many mutual friends.  Despite the fact that I was still trickling social things back into my life, I responded, with normal conversation, to which we talked a bit back and forth.  I personally saw nothing coming from it, and figured he was just another fetdom perving about.

We wound up going to a fair that we had plans to hit up, and talked for a bit there.  I found his glasses in the middle of the road, and just minor hanging out.  From there we found numbers, and facebook accounts, and continued talking, with slight comments on play. 

A few days later we went to breakfast, and a wander through the woods.  At one point in a small clearing he decided to try and call the bluff on my pain tolerance, which I wound up making a comment and causing his mind to need to take the time to wrap around the reality of how much I can take.  So we made plans to hit up a dance festival together, where I had performed at a few times, and he does security at.

Now, yes, I'm sure you're noticing a theme.  We have wound up at the same place, at the same time for what we can track back for about a decade.  We're not sure why we didn't talk until then, but we joke that it's simply because he didn't look down.  Because he never does.

So, on the ride to this festival, we talked about all manner of things, and it was relaxed, and stimulating, and comfortable.  It almost instantly gave me the feeling like he needed to be a friend in my life for a good long time, and apparently he felt the same.  We hung out on and off during the day, and instead of going to the after party, he threw me a hell of a beating, then we snuggled, and fucked for hours. 

From there, we texted every day since, slowly getting closer and more comfortable with each other.  As much as we fought it, eventually accidental power exchange formed, and everyone started thinking we were dating (even though we weren't, and still are not).

Even with moving, and huge life changes, and all manner of trial, we've never had a point where we stopped contact.  Now, we are at a point where we care very deeply for each other, and don't want any end to what we have.  We're a hell of a team, and supporting and caring for each other comes fairly naturally, which is way more than I can say for most people.

I am very grateful to have him in my life, and to belong to him now.  He is an incredible person, and I am proud to have him as a part of my life.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Not so Lazy

There was a few things Lux and I talked about while he was here last.  One was a more personal thing, pertaining to the people in our lives, which lead to discussing how Lux is as a domlyperson. 

I jokingly called him a lazy dom.  He agreed, and felt bad, but I made it a point to say he wasn't really, but rather one who simply wants basic obedience and respect.  He mentioned how he likes that I have so many self imposed rules, out of respect for him, because it means that he knows I'll constantly consider them, and follow it, without it having to become a formal order.

We discussed how if he were to give me rules, I'd only have three.  To let him be in charge (most of the time), to take care of myself as well as him, and to be openly, and consistently honest at all times.

Nothing insane. But the basic building blocks of healthy power exchange and relationships.  The other rules we create, either that I create for myself, or that he gives to me, are ones personal to us, that we will use to make our exchange more solid, and to promote happy growth for us both.  That itself isn't something that's lazy, it's something based on trust and care, which is far scarier sometimes than simply handing off a ton of prohibitive regulations so that you can sit back and not worry, or ignoring the submissive altogether unless it is convenient.

I know I'm his.  And he's not unwilling to assert that fact.

Sunday, July 12, 2015


I've recently been seeing a lot of things that include, or describe demisexuality.  I have a few friends who identify that way, but that they are the type that need to be in a solid romantic relationship before they consider sex.  This is the way I had figured it worked, so I dismissed it, blaming my sociopathy for my disinterest in most people.  I was very capable of a sort of casual sex, between friends, that needed no romantic stimulus to create that desire.

Then, I continued to think past that.  Sure, I absolutely consider myself hypersexual.  I want sex all the time, and am damn near insatiable, whether with one of my partners, or in the middle of a dry spell.  However, I never look at the option of finding partners.  I could have someone standing in front of me that is my absolute ideal physical type and preferred personality, and if I ask myself if I want to fuck them, the answer will generally be a loud and resounding no.  However, give me a week or two of contact with that person.  Let us get to know each other, see how we mesh, and become friends.  Suddenly there is that possibility of sexual interest poking about, and the decision of whether or not to explore it appears.

And, I realize, the people I've been the most sexually attracted to have never been people I've dated.  They were the people I had an intense emotional connection with, but never had a formal relationship with.  Those that I could share anything to, spill myself in front of, and know they'd be there to hold me together, and that they'd do the same.

The fact that I find no attraction to most porn, and even concepts I find hot, I'd rather imagine them, or have them happen involving a partner I'm close to.  That it's not necessarily the context, but the emotional bond I'm seeking.

And, that too makes sense with my sociopathy.  The fact that I prefer not to interact with many people, or those who are too emotionally driven, and instead work with logic, surrounding myself with, and protecting those who I hold closest.  And that I am so picky over partners at all, due to how seldom I form strong bonds with anyone.

Maybe hyperpolydemisexuality is a thing.  And maybe that thing is me.  Someone who constantly craves sex, sometimes with a pool of partners, but with a unique but strong emotional bond to each one.

Thursday, July 09, 2015

Blow shit up Day!

While I was so fortunate as to have an empty house, Lux decided to come down and spend the weekend with me.  I had leveled out from having less exposure to my toxic family, and was now at the point where I needed extra stimulus in a positive manner to help me reset.

And it worked.  In spades.  Even if I didn't want Lux to leave as early Sunday morning as he did, I enjoyed having him around so immensely.  We got caught up on the normal goings on, discussed a bit what is going on with folks lately, and all of the Pennsic prep we needed to chat over.

We also had a ton of sex, and despite intentions of beating me, we legitimately were unable to find the time for it.  We did however, get to relax on the porch a lot while he got work done, and on Saturday evening Zero came over with games, and we giggled at them until near midnight, listening to the fireworks on all sides of the house.

We also talked a lot about why we haven't been as violent lately.  About the stress going on in his life, and why it is conflicting.  It's all very understandable, and I know exactly where he's coming from with it.  I do hope it is remedied soon enough though, because I do miss being covered in marks from him.

Not to say there was no violence.  In the middle of the night on Friday, we both woke up as we often do to fuck.  He decided that was a good time to start giving me solid hits to my upper back (which I adore) and had I not been half asleep, I would have asked for much more.  There was also a lot of smacking Saturday night before bed, and learning that his fist is the same size as the space between my ribs and ilium.  He was trying to punch me as I was riding him, and at one point moved a fraction of an inch and just caught hip bone.  Apparently my torso is too tiny for his giant fists when we're sleepy.

Overall, it was a wonderful, relaxing weekend which has me looking forward to the next month.  In two weeks it is both our birthdays (and Zero's as well, so the three of us) and two weeks after is Pennsic, which I've started packing for.  The next few weeks have a lot of promise, and this was the best possible way to kick it off.

Sunday, July 05, 2015


I have trouble asking for things.  Between being so service oriented, and my own past/family, I hate asking for anything, or even acknowledging that I have to ask for something.  I don't want to turn this into a sad recollection of abuse though.

Every so often, to try and get myself more able to request things, I will ask for small tasks, to get things done more quickly, or just to provide some small comfort or aid.  Even those I have to talk myself in to though.  It's a project, and I'd almost rather just ignore it, or do it myself.

I recently told Lux I needed more time with him, and asked if we could either have more chance to talk, or see each other when we're not about to go to sleep, or forcing ourselves to keep from doing something else.  Something that I understand is a basic thing in any relationship, and there are far worse issues to occur, but feeling the need to ask this, had me near tears.  I hate the idea of feeling like I need to ask for things.  Especially when he has so much going on, and now it's more on his shoulders.  Time, no matter how it's spent, is something I need from partners.  It's one of the biggest ways to show me affection, even if we're not snuggled up or fucking somewhere.

I did ask though, and after calming myself down from actually bringing it up, I can hope that good comes of it.  At least it's proof for Lux that if anything does happen between us, I will bring it up.

Thursday, July 02, 2015

Blessing and a Curse

Fusion occurred recently, and a good number of my friends, including Kitty, attended.  The event does spark my interest honestly.  Camping, spending time with friends, getting to play with fire, and having the chance to play with people I am very close to are all things that will get my attention.  I've thought about attending a few times.

However, there's a part of me that never enjoyed public play.  There's too many reasons for me not to.  When people look at me, they generally tag me as submissive, and well, that's right some of the time, but definitely not always.  People that don't know me don't expect me to be a sadist, and act like I'm a service top.  No, I really just want to tear people apart, and I'll rip them to shreds too, just for being an ass.

The biggest downside for me though, is that my pain tolerance is actually so high that I've had DMs tell me they don't trust a scene with my as a bottom to be safe.  I can take so much force they won't let someone hit me as hard as I enjoy, because they worry, even if it's someone I've played with before.  And, honestly, bottoming to new people that aren't friends makes me incredibly nervous, because of the amount of pain I enjoy.

And sure, certain play requires a different venue.  Kitty can't go at me with his new fire-chuks in my bedroom, and neither can a friend with a bullwhip.  It can also be useful for working on skills, playing with different folks who need levels of force, or certain areas.

But then you get people in private, and the distractions are gone, and you can play together.  No extra energy involved, or stigma to keep a scene going.  Just time with a partner, where you can stop and go and not be afraid to discuss issues or just ride out the happy things going on.  And that is what good play honestly should be.