Sunday, September 27, 2015


I mentioned how my friend last weekend decided to piss off Lux last weekend in the middle of a story.

The story was about a friend of his, who is transitioning, and he finds their new behviours as they try to as their new gender to be unattractive.  He was explaining this, as it was appropriate to a picture he had seen, where he saw a woman to be attractive, but her body language wasn't, and this transitioning friend is frequently pushing a lot of the same habits and postures.

My friend, before Lux even finished the story, started accusing Lux as being transphobic, shoving the idea down his throat without actually listening to him.  Needless to say, the judgement like that had Lux upset, and then she decided to go on about how she had to learn to profile people as a defense mechanism, and in a most condescending way told Lux he "was still a good person".

Hence, going upstairs for cathartic sex shortly afterward.

The next day, on the Tumbls, she decided to post a long generalized rant about how Lux was a shitty person (of course not actually naming him) and how he should be better than that.  And it reminded me of the fiasco at Flea two years ago.  With one of Lux's friends posting to Fet about how he had beaten her to tears and left her sobbing on the floor, when I was two feet away, and she was fine, constantly saying she was good as we checked in, and then told me later that day that he could have gone harder.  I wanted to kick the shit out of her, and it made me want to flip on my own friend to because of how wrong she was in this case.

To make matters worse, the day after that, another rant was posted about how if you dislike anything or anyone it is the result of phobia or prejudice, and you should get over your brain issues to become a better person.

That's like saying my heterosexuality is a mental illness that I need to "cure".

Hi, that's about the same logic my ex tried to force on me, and he was just an emotionally abusive douchebag.

This friend is incredibly introverted and avoids people at all costs.  She admits to having learning problems, and has issues with things that are signs of normal brain function.  She had a family that wasn't picture perfect, and claims she was victim to a ton of emotional abuse, that when she explains to me just shows that she never actually thought for herself growing up.

Sorry, you never became a strong person.  You just went from obeying the thoughts of your elders, to obeying the thoughts of who you thought were supposed to be better role models.  There is never any logic in your rants, and you bring up these vehement, but halfhearted claims of abusive behaviour at every turn.  You obviously need to expose yourself to more thought processes, and work through your own mind before you start pushing judgements on others, and maybe start actually listening to them too.

Accusing everyone of -isms and prejudice and throwing judgement at them is bigotry too.  And it's why the internet hates most feminists.  Congrats, you're just as bad as the people you try to push down.  Aren't you proud.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

A Long Ride

So, it's been an odd, but fun few days.

Last Friday, I looked outside, and saw one of the main branches on the apple tree had split.  We yielded so many apples this year that the tree literally couldn't stand up to the weight, and broke.  My guess is that we wound up with near 400lbs of apples.  Which has meant bagging them up to go to everyone we know, as well as making a ton of applesauce and pie filling.

Instead of going to the faire that Lux and I normally go to, and camp at, we wound up staying with friends and attending the faire in Tuxedo.  As time went on after we decided on this change, we felt more and more comfortable with this decision, due to the overall vibe we were getting, and things happening at the local faire.

I went up Friday, after the beast got home from school, though Lux didn't make it down until Saturday morning.  Friday was calm, just hanging out and catching up mostly.  The faire was basically a much needed day away for us.  We saw a few people we knew, but for the most part just wandered and relaxed.

I kept feeling like I wanted to be more affectionate with Lux, but never was.  I'm not sure what stopped me, but I'm certain I'll more than make up for it in time.

Again, I was reminded that I almost only get hit on by women.  I'm still not sure why this has become such a common thing.  Maybe Lux scares them off being a giant brick wall of man.  Oh well.  They can't deal with me being snuggly with him, then they don't deserve me.

When we got back from faire, my friends had made dinner, so we ate, and showered off the yuck, and tried to be social despite being tired.  We however wound up in bed about ten, and proceeded to have lots of sex throughout the night, while attempting to sleep comfortably in the bed upstairs.  It's not a bad bed for one person.  However, the bed is actually two twin beds against each other.  Which means, that Lux takes up an entire side, and when I go to snuggle in, I wind up in the crack.  I woke up hidden in the crack, and got fucked into the crack several times.  Even when trying to be sideways on the bed.

Oh, and we almost thought we broke Lux's penis.  We didn't though, which makes us both super happy. 

Sunday was my friend's birthday, so we took her to brunch, and hung out a while longer.  At one point, Lux made the accidental mistake of saying something that would set off her feminist rage, which caused him to see just how illogical and insane she gets, showing just how little she sees of the world, clouded by her own ideas of her past and the parts of the internet she checks out.

I went up to pack up my things, and talked with Lux for a while about how he did have a right to be pissed at her, and how she didn't listen to the full situation, and that there was nothing wrong with him.  We snuggled for a bit, and then wound up having super hot sex with lots of power exchange help him feel better. 

Apparently it was what we both needed, because afterwards I felt happy and snuggly and affectionate and submissive.  It was a feeling that I miss enjoying with people, and informed Lux that we need it more often.

It was a long weekend, but a good one, and dear gods did I get reminded how easy it is to make me feel cared for again.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

No Veto

I've been trying to help Kitty a lot through his current relatioship.  On the bright side, he's actually sharing the things going on with me, so that we can work through them. 

After saying it was his preference, he's finally in his first poly relationship (despite how we were in the past, I was never actually his secondary).  He's generally as protective and territorial as I am, which means there's more of a learning curve involved for how to deal with his primary having other partners.

And well, she found one.  An old primary of her's, with a history of emotionally abusing her.  Needless to say, that, and the fact that it completely turned their dynamic upside down piqued his jealousy, and he's been trying to work through it.

Well, months later, it's still there.  And he knows himself well enough to say that this feeling is caused by the situation, rather than the people involved, so he continues to trudge on.  One of the things that is likely not going to help with this though, is that he wants a "no veto" type of dynamic, because he's only seen it become a means of insecurity instead of safety, and he feels he should always be able to trust his partner.

And while trust your partner is important, the ability to veto partners is too.  The aspect of checking in on potential partners opens up communication without having to go prodding or finding the right moment to bring things up.  At that point, a fully informed veto either helps keep issues from arriving, or brings issues within the dynamic to the surface to be dealt with at a much higher priority.

It's when people just start saying no to everything, with no reasoning behind it that it becomes a problem.  And that in itself shows that there are other things that need attention.

It all just makes a lot of things move more smoothly to be honest.  The more open and level it all is, the easier it is to manage. 

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Through the Looking Glass

A year and a half ago I started this blog by discussing my dysmorphia.  How I am absolutely my worst critic when it comes to my appearance, and how my body itself causes a lot of mental issues in my life.

Well, I've been working on this a lot.  Especially through the current year, I've been focusing on feeling better about how I look, and learning more about my body.  Lux also helps, as frequent groping and nomming is a very positive influence. 

I had times at Pennsic where my mind sort of woke up to the fact that I'm going to look very different in period garb than the rest of our camp.  My waist is super tiny, so unless I'm in one of my lacing, fitted gowns, it's going to be baggy in the waist, to fit over my shoulders.  And even with the lace up ones, because of the type of fabric, and period patterns, it's going to bunch near the butt.  This is just a fact, and anyone I saw with a similar build to my own had clothing that fit the exact same way.

I've stopped paying attention to the number on the scale.  I've learned that I have far more muscle than most people my size, so I'm going to weigh more than people think due to how tiny I am.  The important part is that I pay attention to my diet, and continue to work on getting stronger.

I'm wearing less makeup, because I want to look like me, rather than like my face was plastered on.  Just enough to even out my skin, then make myself not look like a ghost.  It's about half of what I used to put on, and nowhere near as dramatic.

Mind you, I still have days where I want to hide from the world because of how I see myself.  My cycle has a big impact on how severe it is, but I'll still have random days on both sides of the scale through the month.  Working out as many days a week as possible helps, as I see what my body is capable of, and how my body changes as I build muscle, calms it down a lot. 

I need to start looking at myself as I do others.  I focus so much more on who someone is before I ever consider their appearance.  I need to pay more attention to who I am, and let self confidence bloom from there, and feel comfortable in my skin that way.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Random Advantage

So, I've managed even with the beast being home for summer, and Pennsic, to keep up with regularly working out.  And, I'm noticing some fun random benefits that have appeared over time.

Simple things like my posture are a given.  I'm standing straighter again, and a bit taller, though not enough to be noticeable with how short I am.  It still could be a bit better, but it's getting there with time.

More fun though, is random things.  Like how my hips are way more open now, and Lux can not only press my legs back and past my torso without any pain, or even feeling a stretch, but he presses them flat out sometimes, with his weight on me, and even with how broad his hips are (which, boys with hips, omnomnom) I don't feel sore like I used to, at all.  I shall enjoy reaping these benefits, and so does Lux.

Also I can finally touch my toes bending forward without being in excruciating pain!  This is seriously something I've never been able to do.

I still can't do a handstand, but my arm balances are getting better, and that means I'm gaining strength, and moving closer.  It is why I started kicking myself in the ass to get working out anyway.

Now I just need to stop having old people knees when Lux and I bone.  This getting old shit blows goats.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Why I Will Never be Popular on the Internet

Along with my blog here, I have a Tumblr which I post to frequently.  There's a good amount of nerdy stuff and silly things, but it's mostly porn.

And by porn, I mean violence and power exchange.

Even though I've been posting to the blog for well over a year, I have a relatively small number of followers, especially compared to Lux, who posts far less frequently, but sees much more activity buzzing from his blog.

And, it never surprises me as to why. 

I'm straight.  And there is this insanely common fantasy for men to pay significantly more attention to bisexual girls, in hopes of threesomes.  This goes to the point where partners in the past have tried to ignore my sexuality, or force me to have sex with women.  It seems as though folks on the internet have a fixation with group sex.

Also, I am very realistic in my sex and thoughts.  I don't want humilitation, or to be degraded and compared.  It seriously fucks me over mentally, because of past shit that my mind still hasn't worked on.  For me, partners should always bring each other up, and because sex naturally fires off so many bonding hormones, it can only help that strengthen.  Either way, I'm not going bring myself down to make anyone's dick rise.

I also don't post pictures of my tits all over the internet.  This is a very obvious way to gain followers, and I'm not going to post anything unless I'm completely comfortable.

If people don't want to enjoy pure violence, snuggles, happy power exchange, and silliness, then they can go find a less fun corner of the internet. 

Sunday, September 06, 2015

Of Sex and Sociopaths

With all the posts on here lately about rape, contact, and sexuality, I thought I'd talk a bit more on the weirdness that has been my evolving sex drive.  I forget sometimes how different I am compared to most people, due to my sociopathy, when it comes to basic human emotions and desires.

I started probably as far from my current hypersexual self as possible.  I didn't see people as attractive in the slightest, and had no physical desires in any way through most of my teens.  I mean this to the point where I wanted no physical contact with anyone, and the idea of it made my skin crawl.

I viewed sex from a purely scientific standpoint.  Heavy contact, and exposure to bodily fluids, with a chance of pregnancy.  All of these things turned me off, and so I wanted nothing to do with it.

What I did enjoy however, was endorphins.  And you know how sometimes the people around you being high on brain juice transfers over to you too?  Well, this was the only reason I started fooling around.

And oh man, was I so not mentally ready.  I remember the day after my first kiss, spending time with the same friend, and going way further.  He got called to do something for his family, and just went downstairs and left me there for what was probably ten minutes, but felt like an hour, as I had a panic attack over the amount of contact that had taken place.

So, mentally after that, as a way of protecting myself, I had to sort of shut down in order do anything sexual with someone.  It was a roadblock I had to get passed, and this was my way of training myself through it.  Luckily, most of my partners were awesome, and made me feel as comfortable as possible despite this.

And, eventually I could start being mentally present, and enjoy the endorphins that filled the room.  I still wasn't having sex, but those wonderful brain chemicals could activate and make me feel a little better. 

And then I started realizing that only when with those awesome, trusted partners did this happen.  When I was with someone I wasn't comfortable with, I became absent again, which has stayed true to this day, and is a good amount of the reason that I didn't start having intercourse until I did.

And, yes, I was a bit absent when I did start having sex.  I had to be in order to get past yet more mental roadblocks.  Sex felt like nothing for the longest time, and it really attributed to the teenage awkwardness that Kitty still brings up to this day.  Soon after though, I found myself actually craving contact though, beyond calming bonding snuggles with incredibly close people.  I craved making out, and groping, and all manner of sexy things.  But because I became absent with new partners, they were incredibly gentle with me, almost with a featherlike touch. 

It's then that I learned to need force.  My absence made them afraid to touch me, and whether they wanted to be there or not, it seemed like they had ne desire to be near me.  Force woke up endorphins, and I realized quickly that it helped me be present, and get far more from sex overall.  As well, that pulling those brain chemicals from my partners made it better.

It also made me crave sex, both as a means of endorphins, and as it's own act.  It started creeping into my thoughts more often, until it hit like a brick.  My sex drive woke up, just as active as it is presently.

Well, sort of.  I was with the gnome at the time, so I wanted sex, but the idea of having sex with him made me feel ill.  Seriously.  Even before he raped me and cheated on me. 

I knew what it was at this point though. And that self awareness made me a much better sociopath.  I could understand this aspect of people, even if from a cold, logic driven point.  Which helped me, in a lot of ways.

Of course, I still had more to learn about my own sexuality, but that was just simple self reflection.

Friday, September 04, 2015

Time to Thrive

I've been thinking lately on how I function best.  How I get the most done, and work the best, in a healthy way.

Right before Pennsic I didn't have many projects, and it made me feel like something was missing.  I was only reading one book, and could barely get through it, and most people weren't sharing and coredumping with me because this summer has been really hard on me in my home environment which has my stress levels insanely high.

In regards to the vast majority of things, I work best with a load that makes most people feel overwhelmed.  Right now I have a stack of books on my nightstand, and it's relaxing to know I have plenty of different things to get to.  With the fall coming up, I'm thinking of a ton of gifts to make, and planning the next couple months.

Even when it comes to my stress levels, I thrive when other people dump their stress on me.  Focusing on helping loved ones, and knowing I am doing what I can for them makes me feel better, and like I can tackle the stress in my own life.

You know, in case me being service oriented wasn't obvious enough yet.

Let's hope I can balance this pile of everything, without being totally overwhelmed at home, and stay functioning like a well oiled machine.