A year and a half ago I started this blog by discussing my dysmorphia. How I am absolutely my worst critic when it comes to my appearance, and how my body itself causes a lot of mental issues in my life.
Well, I've been working on this a lot. Especially through the current year, I've been focusing on feeling better about how I look, and learning more about my body. Lux also helps, as frequent groping and nomming is a very positive influence.
I had times at Pennsic where my mind sort of woke up to the fact that I'm going to look very different in period garb than the rest of our camp. My waist is super tiny, so unless I'm in one of my lacing, fitted gowns, it's going to be baggy in the waist, to fit over my shoulders. And even with the lace up ones, because of the type of fabric, and period patterns, it's going to bunch near the butt. This is just a fact, and anyone I saw with a similar build to my own had clothing that fit the exact same way.
I've stopped paying attention to the number on the scale. I've learned that I have far more muscle than most people my size, so I'm going to weigh more than people think due to how tiny I am. The important part is that I pay attention to my diet, and continue to work on getting stronger.
I'm wearing less makeup, because I want to look like me, rather than like my face was plastered on. Just enough to even out my skin, then make myself not look like a ghost. It's about half of what I used to put on, and nowhere near as dramatic.
Mind you, I still have days where I want to hide from the world because of how I see myself. My cycle has a big impact on how severe it is, but I'll still have random days on both sides of the scale through the month. Working out as many days a week as possible helps, as I see what my body is capable of, and how my body changes as I build muscle, calms it down a lot.
I need to start looking at myself as I do others. I focus so much more on who someone is before I ever consider their appearance. I need to pay more attention to who I am, and let self confidence bloom from there, and feel comfortable in my skin that way.
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