With all the posts on here lately about rape, contact, and sexuality, I thought I'd talk a bit more on the weirdness that has been my evolving sex drive. I forget sometimes how different I am compared to most people, due to my sociopathy, when it comes to basic human emotions and desires.
I started probably as far from my current hypersexual self as possible. I didn't see people as attractive in the slightest, and had no physical desires in any way through most of my teens. I mean this to the point where I wanted no physical contact with anyone, and the idea of it made my skin crawl.
I viewed sex from a purely scientific standpoint. Heavy contact, and exposure to bodily fluids, with a chance of pregnancy. All of these things turned me off, and so I wanted nothing to do with it.
What I did enjoy however, was endorphins. And you know how sometimes the people around you being high on brain juice transfers over to you too? Well, this was the only reason I started fooling around.
And oh man, was I so not mentally ready. I remember the day after my first kiss, spending time with the same friend, and going way further. He got called to do something for his family, and just went downstairs and left me there for what was probably ten minutes, but felt like an hour, as I had a panic attack over the amount of contact that had taken place.
So, mentally after that, as a way of protecting myself, I had to sort of shut down in order do anything sexual with someone. It was a roadblock I had to get passed, and this was my way of training myself through it. Luckily, most of my partners were awesome, and made me feel as comfortable as possible despite this.
And, eventually I could start being mentally present, and enjoy the endorphins that filled the room. I still wasn't having sex, but those wonderful brain chemicals could activate and make me feel a little better.
And then I started realizing that only when with those awesome, trusted partners did this happen. When I was with someone I wasn't comfortable with, I became absent again, which has stayed true to this day, and is a good amount of the reason that I didn't start having intercourse until I did.
And, yes, I was a bit absent when I did start having sex. I had to be in order to get past yet more mental roadblocks. Sex felt like nothing for the longest time, and it really attributed to the teenage awkwardness that Kitty still brings up to this day. Soon after though, I found myself actually craving contact though, beyond calming bonding snuggles with incredibly close people. I craved making out, and groping, and all manner of sexy things. But because I became absent with new partners, they were incredibly gentle with me, almost with a featherlike touch.
It's then that I learned to need force. My absence made them afraid to touch me, and whether they wanted to be there or not, it seemed like they had ne desire to be near me. Force woke up endorphins, and I realized quickly that it helped me be present, and get far more from sex overall. As well, that pulling those brain chemicals from my partners made it better.
It also made me crave sex, both as a means of endorphins, and as it's own act. It started creeping into my thoughts more often, until it hit like a brick. My sex drive woke up, just as active as it is presently.
Well, sort of. I was with the gnome at the time, so I wanted sex, but the idea of having sex with him made me feel ill. Seriously. Even before he raped me and cheated on me.
I knew what it was at this point though. And that self awareness made me a much better sociopath. I could understand this aspect of people, even if from a cold, logic driven point. Which helped me, in a lot of ways.
Of course, I still had more to learn about my own sexuality, but that was just simple self reflection.
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